Well, I can't say I'm prophesying and casting out demons, or that I feel JOY! sweet JOY!
I can say my worries have subsided. It felt great being at church, I had only the nervous tug that goes when I fail to include the unfettered truth when people asked me how I am and I said "I'm doing pretty good". And that's not The Holy Spirit, although it may be in line with His will. I've been obnoxious about the whole Honesty Policy as far back as I can recall. My sister was telling me I owed her X dollars less than what I had calculated and she kept coming up with responses when I called her upon this and I kept finding fault with them. My mom eventually decided to expedite the conversation and said "she's giving you a break" I turned back to facing my sister and said "Is this true?" and my sister said "yes" or something to that effect. And that settled it.
Anyway.
I'm not satisfied with the richness of my soul, but I know that is rectifiable. I felt welcome into church. I am feeling optimistic about the future. The fact that I managed to get through and beyond church on less than 5 hours of sleep is a miracle on its own. The only drawback I felt during church was a hunger for physical nourishment due to my puny breakfast (I had 2/3 serving of grape nuts and a couple Keebler cookies; a good caloric intake, but not as much nutrition as I probably needed, since cookies are nothing but lard basically).
I did get a good size nap in from 3pm to after 6. And yet again I got to sleep around 9 pm and got about 8 hours of sleep broken up by a few hours, so that I wasn't fully up and at'em until 10am. I should have mowed the lawn even though it was The Sabbath. I was thinking it would be wrong, because it was The Sabbath, but then I realized how much rest I am free to partake in due to the government's assessment of my emotional weaknesses etc. This book my mom heard about she's been reading and hasn't spoken about much since she began, she said before she started that it's premise is taking a look at mental illness in a more Biblical perspective because not all abnormal or immoral behavior can be definitively explained by psychology, much less treated by psychiatrists.
I do need to keep chewing on the idea of venturing outward. I don't think I am designed to live in a tent like Paul did and climb steep mountains to reach untouchable people groups. Maybe that was in my capacity at birth, but my physical health and whatever the heck my major malfunction is has changed all that. I can however most likely find something to do with my time that isn't so wasteful and /or selfish.
In time. God is probably ready when I am. But He's here to help me get ready. I just need to keep asking. The less I ask God for favors, the less I find myself mindful of the favors at hand. I personally don't find myself in need of anything particular. The only thing I need is God. God is far more satisfying than anything on this planet and even though electricity and infrastructure have yet to fail me, they are not built to withstand the ravages of time and God did not design man to live forever. I as my great grandparents and even some of my grandparents already, and their parents before them, will not be sitting on this computer desk forever, freely able to go get more sandwich supplies when hungry and plug into Spotify to fill my molecules with color. This state of existence will either be destroyed by changes within society, or government paperwork errors, or the deep dark absennce of God or the great pulsating magnification of His presence as my skin is made new and my eyes are unveiled to see fully the Majesty of God The Father.
You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous
Monday, June 17, 2019
Sunday, June 16, 2019
still floating
I'm trying to be more mindful of the Sabbath lately and more open with my time and resources (money). I'm doing kind of a half assed job with Sabbath. So much is so easily accessible. The Bible is easily bought, but it's never easy to read. I guess I could start reading that Study Bible I got from a dude who attended (possibly still attends) Legacy Church in Marietta's Men's Bible Study. Sadly his name is not coming to mind. I have to be in church in exactly 6 hours 9 minutes and I'm not even finished typing this, even farther from laying down and sleeping.
Anyway...not even sure what my point is. There's so much I'm off the point regarding. I believe in the power of The Holy Spirit. Someone on some Bible theology website said "What is The Holy Spirit like? Look at Jesus. That's what The Holy Spirit is like." (paraphrasing here). I honestly don't know how that answers my question. Jesus' personality was not in any way detailed in The Bible. He's depicted as being kind and loving, but you really don't get a sense of Him as a Person. He doesn't even speak on His own accord, but that of The Father. And it's not like anything else about Jesus was documented. Jesus is The Savior, Mankind's Hope for a better life. And he did everything he could to hammer that message home to people with every minute of his 3 year ministry -- which is only partially documented with very little else about His life on record.
So the question is: What do I say to God? People have said "Say what's on your heart". What's on my heart? Usually it's nothing. As far as I can tell. When it's not nothing, it's "Hey, that was hilarious" or "Damn, I'm horny" or "Father, please forgive me for being so depressed" or "F---ng internet is screwing up. Yiyyyyyyyyg!" Does God want me to say those things to Him? I can ask Him to better me in all these ways. But from the writings of Paul, and the teachings of Jesus, it really does seem like mankind is expected to simply do as told, with no ifs ands or buts. If only it were indicated somewhere in the actual text how much of Jesus' teaching is an exaggeration and how much of it is to be taken at face value. My pastor says the whole cut off your foot if it makes you stumble into sin and kill yourself if you love life etc...., is meant to imply "do everything you can to avoid sin". My question is: How all encompassing is EVERY THING? The Lord's Prayer says "Please forgive our trespasses as we have forgiven our trespassers" But I don't know how to even do that. I can't seem to let go of my anger. I can't seem to let go of my judgement. I don't know how to let go of my welfare recipient status or at the very least get the fkn lawn mowed once in a while before it gets 5 inches tall and needs to be done twice back2back. I don't even know how to make friends with people and "love them like Jesus" as the ever popular Casting Crowns sang in one of their songs.
I keep asking for help in these things but I always sense that I don't wnat what I'm asking for enough for God to grant it. And if that is the case...........ugh. I keep forgetting I've earned Hell 10x over and do NOT deserve anything better. I keep wondering if that's a way of saying "If I were God, everything I touch would turn to ash" and therefore I should expect the same from He is Actually IS God, or if God's love is a crime that we humans are supposed to be pleasantly surprised with.
Saturday, June 1, 2019
not worthy but it's ok
It perplexes me that people put so much emphasis on "You don't earn your way to Heaven" yet Paul calls Heaven a "reward". Reward for what? Nothing? I understand I have much to be condemned for and that God is a lot more forgiving than I am. I understand this. In fact, in the state I'm currently in, it seems I've met every bullet point for being disqualified from entering Heaven based on Paul's letter to the Corinthians. Jesus Himself states that there will be people who served Him that are by definition "lawbreakers" (although not defined in that particular verse, which is where I have to rely on varying bits of scripture elsewhere such as 1st John and 1st Corinthians) and will not be granted entry to The King of Kings' palace.
The impression I get is that God understands our limitations and does not nitpick when it comes to the multitude of laws that we have broken and sometimes continue to break. Some of these hard to break sin habits are of our own making, and some of them we are led into. Jesus Himself in His time on Earth as a fleshly being and God the Father through the Prophets' pens refers to in multiple instances "causing" other people to sin. Moses knew better than to strike the rock instead of speak to it. He deliberately gave into his anger. That's not to say he wasn't provoked. But his sin was still damaging to who knows how many people who otherwise would have more fully understood God's kindness and mercy and did more to please God and less acting on their own accord. My mom is full of much anger and sadness, and has much to be forgiven for, and some of the time she spends acting on those things is simply the limitations of her human self and some of that is simply choice. I myself am often guilty of omission and some of that is my own limitations and some of that is willful. Speaking for myself as only I can, I can say, that much of my laziness and lack of gratitude is willful, either by consequence of overall disobedience or by general defiance. Some of it is inherent in my upbringing, but knowing the scriptures as I do, which is not to say that I'm a scholar or anything, but I have read 90% of the New Testament and all of the Old Testament, I ought to have a better standing with God than I do and rely on His power to get me through the days better and with more success. Too much of the time I spend lusting after meaningless possessions and tricks of the eyes and ears and tastes of the tongue as well as grumbling against this or that thing that someone said, or did, or simply laying in bed half asleep on the off chance I might justify that by actual sleep, as if I won't have enough time spent sleeping when I enter Heaven (assuming I do get there.......)
If you look at the big picture, nobody earns anything. Money is not earned. God gives us our lives. We don't earn them. Family is not earned. We have a loving Heavenly Father. We don't earn the earhly parents we have, we don't earn the kindness or cruelty they dole out. We don't earn the degree of kindness with which God doles out, that much is true. A person with much rebellion as myself has no right to expect to enter Heaven by any means other than Faith and Prayer. I don't get the full benefit of God's Holy Spirit because I am full of filth on the inside of myself. The fact that I have Hope and a Future and the promises of a prosperity beyond comprehension is above and beyond what I deserve.
But to say that a practicing Christian such as Paul, or any of the numerous people in this planet who have "strived to enter through the narrow gate" deserve to be in Hell does seem like something I would expect an unforgiving PERSON to say, given Paul's past sins, but not a forgiving and gracious God, which is what God is -- forgiving and gracious. I can only assume such emphasis on "not earning" Heaven is meant to dissuade us from becoming arrogant and acting in ways that go along with that, which lead nowhere except...death...an endless cycle of no less.
The impression I get is that God understands our limitations and does not nitpick when it comes to the multitude of laws that we have broken and sometimes continue to break. Some of these hard to break sin habits are of our own making, and some of them we are led into. Jesus Himself in His time on Earth as a fleshly being and God the Father through the Prophets' pens refers to in multiple instances "causing" other people to sin. Moses knew better than to strike the rock instead of speak to it. He deliberately gave into his anger. That's not to say he wasn't provoked. But his sin was still damaging to who knows how many people who otherwise would have more fully understood God's kindness and mercy and did more to please God and less acting on their own accord. My mom is full of much anger and sadness, and has much to be forgiven for, and some of the time she spends acting on those things is simply the limitations of her human self and some of that is simply choice. I myself am often guilty of omission and some of that is my own limitations and some of that is willful. Speaking for myself as only I can, I can say, that much of my laziness and lack of gratitude is willful, either by consequence of overall disobedience or by general defiance. Some of it is inherent in my upbringing, but knowing the scriptures as I do, which is not to say that I'm a scholar or anything, but I have read 90% of the New Testament and all of the Old Testament, I ought to have a better standing with God than I do and rely on His power to get me through the days better and with more success. Too much of the time I spend lusting after meaningless possessions and tricks of the eyes and ears and tastes of the tongue as well as grumbling against this or that thing that someone said, or did, or simply laying in bed half asleep on the off chance I might justify that by actual sleep, as if I won't have enough time spent sleeping when I enter Heaven (assuming I do get there.......)
If you look at the big picture, nobody earns anything. Money is not earned. God gives us our lives. We don't earn them. Family is not earned. We have a loving Heavenly Father. We don't earn the earhly parents we have, we don't earn the kindness or cruelty they dole out. We don't earn the degree of kindness with which God doles out, that much is true. A person with much rebellion as myself has no right to expect to enter Heaven by any means other than Faith and Prayer. I don't get the full benefit of God's Holy Spirit because I am full of filth on the inside of myself. The fact that I have Hope and a Future and the promises of a prosperity beyond comprehension is above and beyond what I deserve.
But to say that a practicing Christian such as Paul, or any of the numerous people in this planet who have "strived to enter through the narrow gate" deserve to be in Hell does seem like something I would expect an unforgiving PERSON to say, given Paul's past sins, but not a forgiving and gracious God, which is what God is -- forgiving and gracious. I can only assume such emphasis on "not earning" Heaven is meant to dissuade us from becoming arrogant and acting in ways that go along with that, which lead nowhere except...death...an endless cycle of no less.
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
We're not ok
https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2019/03/pennsylvania-lawmaker-islamophobic-prayer.amp
Aside from praising Donald Trump's "support" of Israel, I fail to see how a call to self improvement in the name of a religious leader who has had incredible impact over the last apprx 2000 years can be called disrespectful to anyone. The criticism that the prayer "divides" us is just stupid. We as individuals, regardless of timing and placement, are not synchronized in thought and feeling.
Aside from praising Donald Trump's "support" of Israel, I fail to see how a call to self improvement in the name of a religious leader who has had incredible impact over the last apprx 2000 years can be called disrespectful to anyone. The criticism that the prayer "divides" us is just stupid. We as individuals, regardless of timing and placement, are not synchronized in thought and feeling.
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
Hope
God is for "us" but who is "us?" As far as my eye can see, i do believe. But i have minimal inclination to act on that faith and the promise of salvation is conditonal; if you don't blaspheme the Holy Spirit you're eligible but you lose it if you fail to forgive others. People try to spin that around replacing the breathe of God with words not found in any Bible translation. Jesus says HEAVEN AND EARTH SHALL PASS AWAY BUY MY WORDS WILL NEVER PASS AWAY.
And i do recall the apostle Paul talking about churchgoers arriving who are destined for destruction. He even seems to be referring to mutations such as myself at one point; saying something about a coming day when gluttenous arrogant people know the Word but are unaffected by it. Jesus didn't say anything about miniscule spiritual growth. He said BEAR MUCH FRUIT. He also said His desciples will be recognized by the ability to cast out demons and perform miracles but not everyone who does these things will enter Heaven.
I guess I do have a backlog of crap to clean out. 25 years isn't "old" but is "a long time"....i was almost 30 before I wisened up to the reality that I don't have a say in the existence of life after death or what that existence is.
And i do recall the apostle Paul talking about churchgoers arriving who are destined for destruction. He even seems to be referring to mutations such as myself at one point; saying something about a coming day when gluttenous arrogant people know the Word but are unaffected by it. Jesus didn't say anything about miniscule spiritual growth. He said BEAR MUCH FRUIT. He also said His desciples will be recognized by the ability to cast out demons and perform miracles but not everyone who does these things will enter Heaven.
I guess I do have a backlog of crap to clean out. 25 years isn't "old" but is "a long time"....i was almost 30 before I wisened up to the reality that I don't have a say in the existence of life after death or what that existence is.
Monday, March 18, 2019
Deep paper cuts
You'd think this article was about child abuse from the tone of it. I imagine it is anxiety inducing for these people but middle class families should be grateful that they can afford to move.
The federal government has been given too much mercy and not enough disciplining. People who are obviously untrustworthy almost always win elections and even those that almost win are not any more qualified. It's no wonder Bill Clinton removed the federal deficit. He came about two hairs away from stripping the military of its existence. Osama Bin Laden attempted an attack on the twin towers the year Clinton took office. We had our warning. It's not like the Islamic terrorists were being inconspicuous. We chose to ignore the issue and reelect all who joined in allowing us to do so. We should have been studying our enemy and figuring out a method of counter terrorism most cost effective. So yeah Bill Clinton ended his 2 terms with no deficit. Bush jr undid all that by trying to adequately fund the military. Obama could've at least attempted to cut some government spending but instead he went the complete opposite direction. All 3 of these Presidents got reelected. And how many congressmen have drafted laws that nobody can find on the world wide web of all places?? That's reason enough to kick everyone out. Maybe then it'll seem less appealing to make pacts against constituents.
So the government is in a tough spot. If we don't reduce our deficit, we won't be able to handle adding anything to our plate of any grave importance like ISIS gaining traction to flourish, the effects of global epidemics on our communities or any number of possible scenarios. We owe too much money. If the government can't keep up, taxes will indeed increase. This scenario here is just an appetizer.
https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/tax-return-2019-salt-deduction-cap-middle-class-homeowners-hit-by-the-new-tax-law-this-is-going-to-wipe-us-out/
Saturday, March 16, 2019
Wow; my mistake
Seriously all these years I thought Anna Paquin was in the movie QUILLS (2000) but as it turns out that the character of Simone was played by a much lesser known actress whose name I've already forgotten.
I saw QUILLS about 13 or 14 years ago. Pretty rousing entertainment. Basically a rallying cry against censorship.
I saw QUILLS about 13 or 14 years ago. Pretty rousing entertainment. Basically a rallying cry against censorship.
Thursday, February 7, 2019
The Joy of God
I found myself feeling rather abysmal about the world around me. I don't even know why. Heck, I can't even articulate what it was I was feeling.
Basically, I guess my doubt regarding my Heavenly residence finally culminated in a realization that people's certainty in their future was either A) True or B) The Bible modified for human consumption. I guess I was leaning toward the latter.
A letter I had hung on my wall from Franklin Graham's Sumaritan's Purse organization just filled my heart with joy and re-ignited a joy in me that I was fearing to be endangered.
Thank You God and thank you to all who've accepted Christ as your Savior and Lord. Thanks to the folks at FAITH COMMUNITY GRAYSON for their hospitality and warmth. And a good size shout out to my old friends at LEGACY MARIETTA, especially the Monday Night Men's Bible study. Keep on keepin' on!
Basically, I guess my doubt regarding my Heavenly residence finally culminated in a realization that people's certainty in their future was either A) True or B) The Bible modified for human consumption. I guess I was leaning toward the latter.
A letter I had hung on my wall from Franklin Graham's Sumaritan's Purse organization just filled my heart with joy and re-ignited a joy in me that I was fearing to be endangered.
Thank You God and thank you to all who've accepted Christ as your Savior and Lord. Thanks to the folks at FAITH COMMUNITY GRAYSON for their hospitality and warmth. And a good size shout out to my old friends at LEGACY MARIETTA, especially the Monday Night Men's Bible study. Keep on keepin' on!
ecoomerce
Trying to buy BATMAN RETURNS (1992, Warner Bros) on Blu-ray. I don't want the steelbook format. Just a basic blu ray case is fine with me.
TARGET.COM -- $7.99
they won't ship it unless you add $17.01 or more worth of stuff to your cart.
WALMART.COM -- $7.99
They'll ship it for $5.99 extra. No in store pickup option available. wth???
AMAZON.COM --- N/A
Amazon Marketplace sellers are few and far between when it comes to reputable dealers with the ability to offer reasonable prices.
BESTBUY.COM -- $7.99
I didn't want ti to have to come to this, but it isn't coming to that. I just looked, that's all! $3.99 s/h.
DEEPDISCOUNT.COM
Same price as BestBuy when you factor in the s/h. Seriously? Those are the only two choices? C'mon!
I kinda wanted to buy it from BULLMOOSE.COM, but I am seriously freaking out b/c A) Their list of locations that they ship it from just decreased for almost no reason and B) their price went up. Is there some kind of opposition to ecommerce as it pertains to Hollywood? Or is blu ray seriously dropping in popularity???
TARGET.COM -- $7.99
they won't ship it unless you add $17.01 or more worth of stuff to your cart.
WALMART.COM -- $7.99
They'll ship it for $5.99 extra. No in store pickup option available. wth???
AMAZON.COM --- N/A
Amazon Marketplace sellers are few and far between when it comes to reputable dealers with the ability to offer reasonable prices.
BESTBUY.COM -- $7.99
I didn't want ti to have to come to this, but it isn't coming to that. I just looked, that's all! $3.99 s/h.
DEEPDISCOUNT.COM
Same price as BestBuy when you factor in the s/h. Seriously? Those are the only two choices? C'mon!
I kinda wanted to buy it from BULLMOOSE.COM, but I am seriously freaking out b/c A) Their list of locations that they ship it from just decreased for almost no reason and B) their price went up. Is there some kind of opposition to ecommerce as it pertains to Hollywood? Or is blu ray seriously dropping in popularity???
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
this explains it, maybe
Chris Cornell of Soundgarden's reported suicide took me by surprise. It doesn't surprise me that he was depressed. Reading the section about his drug addictions and freedom from them, I find it hard to believe that he'd take his own life, and then I read this regarding his death, also from Wikipedia
Cornell's widow contacted insurance lawyer Kirk Pasich within a few minutes after her husband's death in order to handle publicity.[271] Pasich became the spokesperson for Cornell's widow and blamed Ativan for the singer's death, stating that Cornell would not intentionally take his own life.[272][271] Cornell's widow said, "When we spoke after the show, I noticed he was slurring his words; he was different. When he told me he may have taken an extra Ativan or two, I contacted security and asked that they check on him.
Of course, the Medical Examiner disagrees --- doing otherwise would be picking a fight with the FDA, which he would not get paid to do and might actually cost him his job.
I know people of all ages commit suicide, but there was no indication that he was anymore depressed in the 2010s than there was in the 1990s. If anything, it would have been less surprising to hear he committed suicide in the mid or late 90's, but the guy had not only managed to cope with his depression, but he took the painful steps necessary to combat this addictions to drugs and alchahol because he was deadset on living the best life possible. And this was 20 years before he hung himself.
Granted, I don't know the guy personally. If his wife hadn't spoken to back my perceptions up, I would just agree with the M.E.
Anyway...some random question that kept running through my head and finally got around to getting answered. Thought I'd share this miniature breaktrhough.
The real tragedy, as far as anyone knows, is that he didn't acknowledge Jesus Christ as his savior and thus missed out on his potential place in Heaven.
Cornell's widow contacted insurance lawyer Kirk Pasich within a few minutes after her husband's death in order to handle publicity.[271] Pasich became the spokesperson for Cornell's widow and blamed Ativan for the singer's death, stating that Cornell would not intentionally take his own life.[272][271] Cornell's widow said, "When we spoke after the show, I noticed he was slurring his words; he was different. When he told me he may have taken an extra Ativan or two, I contacted security and asked that they check on him.
Of course, the Medical Examiner disagrees --- doing otherwise would be picking a fight with the FDA, which he would not get paid to do and might actually cost him his job.
I know people of all ages commit suicide, but there was no indication that he was anymore depressed in the 2010s than there was in the 1990s. If anything, it would have been less surprising to hear he committed suicide in the mid or late 90's, but the guy had not only managed to cope with his depression, but he took the painful steps necessary to combat this addictions to drugs and alchahol because he was deadset on living the best life possible. And this was 20 years before he hung himself.
Granted, I don't know the guy personally. If his wife hadn't spoken to back my perceptions up, I would just agree with the M.E.
Anyway...some random question that kept running through my head and finally got around to getting answered. Thought I'd share this miniature breaktrhough.
The real tragedy, as far as anyone knows, is that he didn't acknowledge Jesus Christ as his savior and thus missed out on his potential place in Heaven.
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