Weekly recap Friday 21st

 Uyyy
I don't know how to mark my improvement.  Maybe things are slightly better than the week before.  Maybe.  It seems like I did go 2.5 days if not longer without delving into porn, but then I was rummaging through Amazon Prime trying to get the dark corners to the surface....since they don't make it very easy to find the kind of stuff that is audacious enough to really capture my attn.
eeg.  I'm sinking, obviously.  I wonder if I'm just a black sheep, destined to not follow His Voice.

I know I'm not showing the hallmarks of Godly sorrow for I have not been zealous and active in repenting.  I don't know what I'm missing.  I think I understand as much as I "need" to understand...maybe it's a lack of faith.  Maybe I'm just too lazy.  Regardless, I might not make it.  I don't know.

Shut Up & get to work

I seriously need to quit talking.  Nobody wants to know what I'm thinking or feeling.  I need to "prefer others" as "think of others as more important" than myself.  If I'm not acting on God's behalf, nothing I say matters.  I need to quit burdering my family with texts and emails.  Nobody cares.  They don't have to.  They got a whole universe beyond me to think about.  I need to just make do with what I have and quit asking for rides, asking for help acquiring this or that. 

sick venal ...all the animals at night

 eeeikg

Fudd'd up again today, and I knew what I needed to do to avoid it but I was an awful distraction of determined and lazy....determined to stay on course and too lazy to pick up the crap I'd left on my bed.  At some point not long after the climactic finale of my immorality, I finally did have to pick up the small assortment of things that were on my bed and move them so I could take a 3 hour nap  ug.

I mainly came to this URL to note something I've noticed about my brain, but I figured I'd confess my failures too..........not entirely sure why, I just don't feel like it'd be truthful to continue without acknowledging that.  I guess one benefit is if you want to avoid "immoral men like Esau", you have more information to help you decide about reading any further...

aaaNyway,
I've noticed my memories of the past few years have been kind of blurring together.  Like, it seriously seems like I ordered Elevation Worship's HERE AS IN HEAVEN while I was living in Loganville (Georgia), but according to the order history on Amazon, I was actually living in Lawrenceville.  Like, I remember sitting against that white stone wall that I had in my basement at my desk asking the seller to cancel that order and reading their response, but that email is apparently a combination of multiple memories.  I don't know how they got mixed up as they did, but that's apparently what happened.
I reckon my memory will only get worse over the next 5 years :/

Glorified coasts

This book I'd been kinda half heartidly "studying" observes that "Nothing coasts toward order".  Yet I coast.  I don't know any other way, really.  I don't feel the strength to pull up straps and walk boldly forward.  It seems like the answer is always "Ask God" but of course I'm writing this instead.................Made to sound so stupid simple, yet it's nothing of the sort.  Jesus half brother James said you cannot have any doubt when asking God for something.  Yet I have no reason to believe things, individually or collectively, will be this way or that way.  Yes, I know we as human beings are to blame for that.  What else is new?  Nothing.  Jesus came and elevated many sects of society, one of which I grew up in, and nothing has changed.  I live in a society that has had Jesus well before I was born.  Jesus didn't change the United States.  He changed the nation of Rome and continues to push on through the world but nothing in my life has changed.  I have to ask, but what kind of jerk asks for something EXPECTING to receive it?  Does The Bible not say "God resists the proud"?  And that's GREATER grace(!).  It would be just plain murdering Jesus for me to expect that my prideful self will receive anything I ask of God.  So what?  I ask God for humility?  How?  "Humbly"?  How does someone as arrogant as I "humbly" do anything???  If I'm not temporarily transported to another vessel, how do I void myself of pride so that my prayers are not resisted?
My go to Pastor these days talks about when The Trinity looks at me He doesn't see all the mistakes I've made but sees Jesus.  Well, how does He know I'm a sinner if He doesn't see my sin?  I'm guessing what he means by that is he doesn't count my sin against me but instead imputes Jesus' righteousness to me.  In fact, I think we've had that conversation before, but the intended meaning doesn't come through when I hear it said the way he typically says it and he's constantly using that exact explanation, as if to say God is blind or willfully ignorant or something...neither notion seeming Biblical to me, at least, although specific scripture indicating such escapes my mind at the moment unless you refer to Old Testament scripture, where things get a bit vague, as there are VERY few people in The OT that God even suggests went to Heaven.  If you merely go by the text, it'd seem as if Adam & Eve went to Hell.  I personally can't say if they did or not.  It doesn't seem to me like they did, but who am I to conclude such a thing without any doubt?

Hi Lites and Lo Lites

 Well.....................................................................
My determination is still kinda "meh".  I don't know if I'd call myself complacent or what......just..idk.
About ... 2 weeks?   Maybe a little less 

ago

I signed up for this site that enables people to connect for casual sex.  I really don't forsee it happening any other way.  But anyway.  Yesterday I deleted that account.  I was arguing against doing it in my head because I had paid $15.00 for 3 months access and after I continued thinking about it, I decided it's money out, it's wasted, and if it's not wasted, it's even worse.  That means I've been using my money AND My time and the temple that God has allowed me to be for evil purposes and I've already dishonored God with all 3 of those, but....as far as masturbation goes, at least I can kinda claim ignorance since The Bible doesn't say anything against masturbation.  As far as lust goes, that could be considered a defiling of the body, but I don't think lust defiles the body anymoreso than the body already is defiled by the presence of sin that is already within every human being.  Yes, looking at erotic cinema and pornography films is definitely not a good idea.  I consider that a dishonoring use of my time and money.  And the "self abuse" that goes along with it......ya....that's dishonoring to God but I don't think it's AS dishonoring.  Paul refers to becoming one flesh with a prostitute.  I fail to see how masturbation accomplishes the same thing.

AAAAAAAANyway.
I've been doing better than I was the week before last, but I'm still not where i should be, physically and mentally.  It's a long crawl out of the gutter.

HOMEWORK APR 29 (ongoing)

I missed yesterday.

2nd Corinthians CH7 vs. 9-11

 

It seems like he's basically expounding on what it says somewhere else in The Bible about coming to God with a clean conscience, basically saying that your regret should keep you from continuing the same manner of life that led to those/that feeling(S) of regret.  This passage refers to "sorrow", but is not so much about the feeling but about the consequences of it.  If it bothers you, either the problem is you or it.  If it's it, either deal with it or get rid of it.  In this case, it's kind of a matter of both.  We can't get rid of sin's temptations and presence but we don't need to walk up to it.  I need to do a much better job at not greeting sin with a kiss like I sometimes do.

PtII Sunday May 2nd

I apparently didn't have enough Godly sorrow...succame to temptation.  Had managed to keep myself together for roughly 72 hrs.  I noticed after I finished my plummeting behavior that I was rather sleepy.  I didn't get very much sleep last night.  I'm about to go to bed now but felt I should complete today's entry.  I did ask God for His forgiveness, acknowledging a lack of due respect for His presence and all it entails.  I asked that He instill a healthier dose of that consideration and that I have the strength to continue this week without the same or similar episode.  

I really do want to rise above this.  Of course, I say that now.........Only God truly knows my heart.  I seriously don't know who I am.

 

 PtIII Monday May 3rd

I must say; I haven't felt particularly tempted.  Well, ok, ok.....a little tempted.  Just a little.  Nothing significant.
I slept a good sleep last night.  I went to bed kind of early and woke up kind of late.  Granted, I did wake up briefly a couple times, but still .... I must've got AT LEAST 9 hours of sleep when the norm for me, when you subtract half an hour for each burst of wakefulness that occurs during most nights, is about 7 hours.
I haven't been especially mindful of God.  It's not like my mind has been void of Him, but most of my day has not been devoted to Him or things that would have an obvious stamp of God's approval.  I haven't been singing praises to God or serving up meals to the homeless or talking up God to a non believer or anything of the sort.  I've just been pretty much doing what I can to enjoy the day without delving into sin.
I thought about going for a walk a couple times.  It's weird living with strangers.  On one hand, I don't feel it's fair to them to show distrust to them by locking my door but on the other hand, if I get robbed, it's my own damn fault and I don't even know who else to include in the blame or to hold responsible.  When I head downstairs, I typically don't even include my keys & wallet.  Oops...

Anyway.  Ok, ok...so; Godly sorrow---- I don't know what to say about it.  Seriously, my brain is coming up empty.

PT IV - MAY 5
Ug.  Missed TWO (out of 7) days.
Um...well.........I obviously don't have enough Godly sorrow.  I still struggle to find the sense in this whole business.  I don't fully understand the severity of my sins.  I know some corners of the pornography industry are involved in human trafficking/kidnapping etc., but you could say the same thing about THE UNITED STATES....and you could say similar things about the fashion industry, and sports......there's always a dark side to everything.  The thing that many Christians focus on is marital brokenness, and really, I don't plan to get married.  I don't think I would be a good husband.  I'm not saying God is wrong.  I'm just saying it's really difficult to take Him at His word when the people he spoke with were largely coerced or forced into marriage by their parents and community.  They didn't have to consider "Gee, how do I get to know this woman so I can maybe have sex with her (after I marry her of course)".  Marriage was a done deal not long after puberty hit.  I realize there's probably more to it than that, a lot more.  I think the fact that we won't even have gender identities in Heaven is one of the reasons God commands us to lay aside our sexual appetites.  It's a difficult series of notions to latch onto when they're so at odds with my feelings and the logic of it is so "eeh..."
Hmm.  As for Godly sorrow and how to develop it more.....idk.  I know I failed today.  I need to go further into my walk with God and be more IN His Word, like reading it, taking a small break to maybe have some water, go back read some more, and just do that until something worthwhile comes up.  I really don't do much through most of my days.
........sounds kind of ridiculous that I haven't been doing that already.  What am I stupid or something??(!!!!)

The big bad ......

Just when I think it's safe...........I get comfortable and slip soooooooo
I need to DO MORE BETTER!!!!!!!!!  I don't think this is what Paul was talking about when he said "the thing that I want to avoid I end up doing anyway" (paraphrasing)  It would be easy for me to think that's what he was referring to, just by my own experience but then he curses everyone who even considers this type of shik.

:(

Feeling a little more Jesus-y

 THANK JESUS for a new day, a new opportunity to rise above life's challenges.
It's still a bumpy ride.  I haven't been great at avoiding lust etc. today but compared to yesterday and the day before, I'm a champion.  I actually listened to some Praise/Worship music on Pandora radio for about 20 or 30 minutes.  Still need to try to read some of HIS WORD.  Seriously, for real.  And yet i'm here writing this bs
Anyway.
Life truly is better when one's mind is on The LORD JESUS CHRIST.  Even things that don't seem all that great are better through JESUS.

ayyg

(huff)
DAMN THIS SIN!  I feel like a two-faced liar.  I keep wanting to fight this, but then I let myself give in like I've been doing for the past couple days.  I need to stop this.  I know I should.  I know it's right.  But I forget.........and I end up being pulled into it.  And then I stick around like gum on a shoe.
ggg

so much waste

 I keep thinking "I need to quit wasting time!" but then I'm shot with the sad reality that everything I perceive as "good" ultimately IS a waste of time and anything that ISN'T a waste of time, while I agree is good, is either far too cumbersome to carry out or is not attainable either due to material resources that I lack or simply a lack of knowledge.
Daily Bible reading is a little bit of a challenge, but more so than that is the KEEPING HIS WORD in my heart, which requires multiple trips into His Word.  Most people have a reasonable excuse for not being in His Word throughout the day, but I am literally doing nothing except an occasional good deed (like this afternoon for instance I'm helping distribute food to the poor) or blissing out to music or outright sinning (see yesterday's entry) or reading His Word.  Then there's a huge chunk of time I spend trying to either bliss out or sin, and I end up doing a little bit of both, and compound the matter of waste into all the worse.

Ug.