FEAR some God, idiot me

I don't know what to do.  I feel myself constantly falling back on God's grace, being disobedient and swaying to my own inclinations and not submitting.

I'm not even sure I understand how this whole dynamic is supposed to work.  Am I supposed to FEAR God, like, "I'm gonna kill you if you don't quit this nonsense" or is sexual sin just like any other sin i.e.: you can be forgiven infinitely?
Hopefully The Lord takes this confusion in consideration before He decides on the severity of the consequence.................

gratitude at the grill

 So far, I'm aware of only ONE cure for sexual immorality --- and that is, gratitude.
I don't know if this is unforgiveable or not, but if I were being cut into pieces while alive, I would not be thanking Jesus.   I would be EXPECTING that something better than it lay beyond the horizon, in the after-life, but the pain would not be something I could FIGHT.  "You have to fight the pain!"  Paul lived exclusively for God, even before he was an apostle.  He did out of self righteousness, basically taking whatever pent up sexuality he had and replacing it with violence.  He met Jesus, and saw how beautiful He is, and his sexual desires were the last thing on his mind.  Also, Paul was not lazy.  He didn't have time to be lazy.  Between his devotion to God, and his very physically demanding life, he was able & willing to do everything it took to pursue holiness.  And I realize there are lots of other people in modern day Earth who for whatever reason love God more than I do and are eager to serve Him, regardless of the cost.  I don't understand how "The chains are gone".  Every time I hear a song that talks about that, I just go "WTH?"  Versus in The Bible that talk about that, I'm just like "Ok..", and just keep reading, because there's usually information that's at least instructive and comforting, or at least one of the two.  I'm going through counseling regarding this, and I just don't forsee this being something that talking over is going to help.  This is not a theological term paper.  This is the reality at hand and much of The Bible deals with reality secondhand.  We know that objects fall when not held by anything.  The Bible isn't a means to figure out the fabric of time and space.  The Bible isn't a means to diagnose and cure mental illness.  There is some very good instruction in there and if followed will lead to a prosperous life, overall.  But the stank of humanity, which varies from person to person, my stank being especially foul given my ungrateful brat self, JESUS CHRST DIED FOR ME TO LIVE LIFE ABUNDANTLY and I just reject it, what the foul is wrong with me???  That's how it is.  Instruction only goes so far.   And there's a little snippet somewhere in The Bible, proverbs, I think, that talks about the kind of person I am, who has instruction and it hasn't changed anything.

Ghostbusters 3

 ARRG!
Still not wrapping my mind around people who lambast a sequel for being exactly what it claims itself to be -- A SEQUEL!
GBII was a perfectly fine sequal to the 1984 film.  It did exactly what it was supposed to do -- deliver up a 2nd helping of "Ghostbusters"
GBIII obviously is not able to simply just deliver up another supernatural episode involving the comedic talents of Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, etc....  The original cast are going to be appear in this new installment and they might even don the equipment they're known for, but the idea is to keep it coming and in order to do that, they need to introduce new characters.  So, that aside, GB3, in its' "placating of old fans", as some buthead on the interenet accuses the film of doing, is succeeding at being what it is -- a sequel. 
A sequel CAN of course be a completely new film independent of anything that came before it.  That is not an impossibility.  But that's not why SONY is funding a 2nd sequel to Ghostbusters.  The goal is not and never has been to start a new franchise or create an entirely new intellectual property.  Seriously, ppl!!!!

HONOR, Love and Gozer's pet rat

I don't get how how people express an interest in seeing Bill Murray's character's misguided declaration that "the franchise rights along will make rich beyond wildest dreams" come to fruition.  Dan Aykroyd's character, and Harold Ramis', were both knee deep in the study of spiritism (how am I spelling that wrong??Rr) and neither of them had high hope for the business venture that Venkman (Bill Murray) had sprung up on them.  Stantz (Aykroyd) is shaking his head in disagreement the whole time Venkman is declaring how the franchise rights will bring them great fortune.
GHOSTBUSTERS is told from the POV that ghosts do indeed exist but they are not lurking behind every other house.  The idea that theyd be able to make a decent income off of paranormal investigations and eliminations was a very long shot. 
I was thinking earlier that if GHOSTBUSTERS had been a true story, it would point to GOD (THE God, not Gozer The Gozarian) being in control despite the spiritual turmoil that was apparent in the film.  And I was thinking the presence of a gender fluid supernatural force that thinks of itself as a God and isn't declaring itself to be Satan, I was thinking "How do you insert that into any kind of narrative that is true?"  And honestly, **if** GHOSTBUSTERS had been written from factuality, I would simply have to concede it's one of many mysteries.  Bottom line is there are things that UNFOLD - IN - THE BIBLE ---- things that are not ambiguous or otherwise in need of decoding, but are plainly explained as part of a narrative ---- that people like myself and most everyone I've met simply cannot explain without at least appearing to contradict some facet of commonly understood truth.
For instance, is it still possible to summon spirits from the dead?  In the Old Testament, it was.  King Saul summoned Samuel after he'd departed this Earth.  But people suspect that OT saints were being held in kind of a vault until Jesus came.  Maybe that's more or less accurate.  Maybe only people that go to Hell are summonable by the dead. 
But that's an interesting series of questions that pertain to doing something that God flat out told His people not to do.  If you look at the passage, it's basically Saul wanting information that Samuel isn't able to offer.  Saul asks Samuel whatever it was he was wanting and Samuel says something to the effect of "Why are you bothering me about this?  I told you all of this was to come about and how to avoid it.  But you never listened to me"  That's got some larger implications.  Basically, it's one of many many MANY examples of mankind expecting to find a cure for its' ailments.  Saul wanted to be disobedient to God and hateful toward his fellow Hebrew, his successor, of all people, mostly, and still find satisfaction in life.  I can attest to this: You can't be happy in life and be disobedient to God.  You can be happy in life and not be a Christian, yes.  You can be tainted with sin, and be apathetic about it and carry on like it's 1985.  But if you are called by God, if you have accepted His call, and you haven't turned your back on it, then you can't find satisfaction, at least not fully, in seasons of disobedience.  It just doesn't work that way.  The tried and true hymm "Trust and obey" I do believe states it with utmost clarity: "There is no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey". 

Samuel did right by God in telling his brethren, including Saul, what God wanted them to know.  Samuel was dedicated by his mother for the purpose of hearing God speak to him and proclaiming what he'd heard.  That is a good example for all of us to follow, to not hold back in speaking of our beloved savior, the precious gift of salvation He has given freely to all who trust Him.  But the story of his after-life presence, although it does have questions that I'm sure more than just me would prefer to have the answer to, it is above all a tale of a man desperately caught up in disobedience to God Almighty thinking he can find a way out.  There is no way out.  This life will always have a promise of greener greens, higher highs and greater greats.  Sometimes those promises have something of a hint of value to them, but there is nothing of equal value that one can trade for peace of mind.  And chasing anything, be it information, stuff, whatever it may be, is counter-productive to any receiving of peace.  I can attest to this as well.  I mean, there are things worth chasing obviously.  Pandora internet radio isn't going to just happen.  Someone had to toil at mass producing computers and then lobbying to free the internet, and then of course someone had to start Pandora internet radio and keep at it until technology caught up with everyone including Pandora.  As for myself, I do have to enter it into a "search" bar or type the whole thing into the address bar and hope I don't mis-spell it and walk into a virus...which does indeed happen to me sometimes.....But I would much rather just chill out and listen to Pandora than constantly be sifting through full length albums trying to determine if any of them are worth buying individually and figuring out why they aren't and trying to excuse myself from things I don't like about either myself or my lot in life or the nature of commerce in general.  Truth be told, only a handful of artists made money pre-Spotify.  Now, they all make money, but most of them are lucky to make enough to live off of.  However, it is more equitable so really my main issue is my asinine persistence in buying music CDs instead of just chipping in a reasonable amount to the music I truly like.  So many ways to do things better.  And it's worth it, IMO.  Staying in the same tarpit through life is just abysmal.  It's one thing to make it shore and then fall into another tar pit.  A guest preacher noted that there's a fundamental wrongness in the children's Sunday school song about climbing Jacob's ladder.  And I agree with him, the idea is not to sneak into Heaven.  The idea is, trying to be accurate here, I might be falling on my face ---- the idea is HONOR.  I've been reading Romans chapter 13 a few times over the last couple days.  We should honor those who are worthy of honor, those who have taken on the challenge of resisting temptation and are 8 to 10 or more, coming along victorious.  We should honor government.  We should honor the governments' clerical workers.  But we should LOVE one another.  Bros & sis' in Christ should love each other, as Christ Himself loved us.  We should love everyone else as well, as one of the other places in The Bible the pastor pointed out a couple weeks ago, it's not the same depth of love that we have for each other as the bridegroom but it's more akin to honor; rather than debase them or belittle them or humiliate them, we should respect them for the potential that is within them and their inherent value as imagebearers of God, and we should communicate what we can about God to them when opportunities arise to do so, but we should not have inward affection toward them the way we do toward other members of The Body.

Anyway........that wasn't a very strong closing sentence, but I'm kinda half needing to go to bed and I'm out of things to say at the moment......

SLAPPED

 

RED MARK for feeling bitter

RED MARK for seeing a correlation to my sin and other’s preceding behavior

RED MARK for taking an interest in & action on my continual accumulation of red marks

RED MARK for thinking there was a way to be an acceptable human before God’s people and have these red marks on my face.

cursed

 My hands are behind my back and over my head
I have no gun.  I have dropped my sword
Do with me what you will.  Accuse me.  Condemn me.  Throw me aside forever.
Nobody will care.  Nobody ever has.  

I have tried to reason with.  I have tried to contend with.  I have used my pen as a sword, and I have even used my tongue as such, in lieu of friends or allies to commiserate with.  My lack of ability to forgive is exposed.  I have made myself a target for attempting to gain sympathy, for not settling into condemnation, for hoping to be accepted and loved.

I wish I were dead.  I wish I were never born.  Someone, maybe many, have been blessed by my hands and speech.  I am cursed.

Thy is Dead, so is "The End"

 Found this book called A SERMON FOR THE WORST MAN ON EARTH by Charles Spurgeon, who lived and died roughly the same time as the dinosaurs and William Shakespeare.

The DESCRIPTION of the book says Spurgeon shows that, among other things, "a sense of sinnership confers no right to mercy."
First of all, does ANYTHING confer a right to mercy?  Secondly, if it DOESN'T confer a right to mercy, how is that relevant?  Does it confer a withdrawal of mercy?  If not, then what the hell is the point in making such an observation????

Ug.

the pain cont'd

 RRRB
This accountability software being de-'d has made it feel easier to delve into filth.  Go figure.
I really wish I hadn't done that.  Arb.

Got to thinking about all the times I took communion over the years and how few if any of them I was taking it an unfit manner.....or however it's said...idk...  I don't even understand the word "communion".  I don't feel closer to God eating the church appointed wafer than I do not eating it...I don't feel the weight of Christ bearing my sin more then than I do any other time.  Ug x indefnt..............................:/

it's a pain

My pastor suggested that sexual imoorality / lust was one element of greed.  I don't know if I agree with that.  When a person gets the urge to have sex, trying to satisfy that desire is not greedy.  It's wrong, duh, God says so....it just doesn't resonate with me.  I've been trying for the past couple months -- not consecutively or successfully -- to live by that rule of thumb and I had an accountability software installed for that purpose to help be reminded to keep my mind off that facet of reality so that I wouldn't get hot'n'bothered and go searching for t'n'a.
I just sunk again, if that's not already obvious.  I don't really have a legitimate reason except I'M TIRED OF THIS!  Obviously I shouldn't be.  Any emotional or intellectual opposition I have to keeping off sex until/unless I get married is just me not submitting to God.  There's no excuse for that.  I feel like me being born evil and not being completely stripped of my evil nature serves as a sort of excuse, but it isn't.  

Ug.

Deed End

God resists the proud.

I am insanely arrogant.  I don't know if I'll ever be humble.  I think I have faced such stagnation in my spiritual growth -- and hence doubt and fear etc -- because of that.  Regardless, God has not abandoned me.  I have made progress as slow going as it is.  I think God is making a grand statement here.

God hardens who He wants to.

I think God has hardened me in response to my pride and other detestable behavior.  I need to keep seeking God's counsel.  I need to increase my worship to Him.

I don't believe anyone is beyond saving.  I do think continual sin makes it less likely that salvation will arrive.  I could be mistaken about that.  But at the moment it seems like a solid enough theory.

Jesus did day He will return and that upon His arrival the world will be judged according to its deeds. He also says that Sodom will be judged less harshly than the unbelieving Jews.  I don't think our good conduct is forgotten by Him.  My bad conduct far outweighs my good conduct but I have made an attempt throughout my life to do what is right even though I also do what is wrong and I also don't do enough of what is right.  I think maybe my silver lining of goodness is what at least partly compels God to not completely forsake me.  Like I said, maybe I'm totally mistaken.