a little better

 I've felt less bitter this week, although I've somehow got this sad feeling that me and my sister are not on good terms.  I don't really understand it or know what the solution is.  She says she's not mad at me.  ??

The week started off rocky in regard to my inner evil, I started off of course with Sunday, which was a double header of sorts.  I had church, and then a really great Bible study afterward and I came home and between being a bit fatigued and, me, I ended up giving in sometime at night, I don't really remember what time.  Monday I did OK, although I don't think I was reading The Bible enough.  I was around other believers again on Tuesday, and as I suspected, I came home and fell again.  However -- I took precautions and requested a ride to the Wednesday night church service, and managed to close out the day without the inner evil roaring its head and devouring me.  I stumbled a bit a few minutes before midnight Thursday (it's just barely Friday as I write this now...I really should be in bed......:/ ) but, honestly, I was just wasn't interested.  I was more interested in companionship and the notion of physical contact but I didn't see any indication of that occurring.  The sight of all the crazy videos for surveying was more cringe inducing than anything else.  Perhaps Jesus Christ has transformed my heart at least partway, already(!?!!)  It's really hard to say, because there's times when I'm like this, thinking clearly and doing a halfway decent job at behaving logically and then there's other times that I feel like a frog, just floating above the water like I have nowhere to be.

I need to read some of The Bible before I go to bed or be extra vigilent about reading it in the morning before I get busy with the day(!), so the bits of seed I sowed in my brain today don't sprout into a monster.  Even though I wasn't interested in that moment, I don't think that's a permanent reality.  Like I said, I've felt that way before.  In fact, I'm usually not interested in that sort of thing.  I go most of the day occupied with other things, things that aren't a direct affront to God, but then my mind goes that direction and I find myself moving closer to destruction in mind and then body and then in deed.  It's like my counselers keep telling me -- CLING TO CHRIST!  I know reading The Bible can be done in kind of a surface manner, without a whole lot of engagement, so that is something I need keep in mind to do my best to avoid, and instead try to be THANKFUL and submit my petitions to HIM and look brightly toward the future, not dimming my mind and being all gloomy etc.

Sour

 This week has been rather sour.  I've felt betrayed several hours of the week, recollecting various hurts.  I've also been rather sleepy.  A few days of the week, I ended up sleeping 12 hours.  I think I actually slept more than that one day.  Then of course, my travels to the parts of my brain that contain almost every conceivable hedonism which have been more frequent lately.

I hope things look up soon.  

Doubts... even here

 Borrowed from a Joy Division song title.  I haven't been really doubting my salvation because I just haven't been thinking about it.  When I do think about it, it seems presumptuous to make a distinction about it.  If salvation rests entirely on the finished work of Jesus, then it's a coin - toss as to whether or not I'm going to Heaven or Hell.  Jesus didn't save EVERYONE and The Book Of Life has not been published.  

And I'm still struggling with attraction to Satan's perversions.  I keep praying for God to transfer me from that domain of thinking.  If this period of limbo, uncertainty is all of Hell that I experience in my existence I am indeed beyond fortunate.

Edit (2/2); Choose to be chosen

 I keep coming across these dual realities that are referred to in The Bible, but are usually referred to as individual unique truths that have no relationship to each other.

Exodus 10:27 "But the LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he was not willing to let them go."
https://www.gotquestions.org/today-if-you-hear-His-voice.html

Mark 1:15 "And saying, “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.”"

Ephesians 2:8-10

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."

One pastor noted that God's "providence" is practically screaming out of the pages of scripture.  If one gets the impression that we have free will but we also don't have free will ("It doesn't have to make sense!") it's only because we are aware beyond the truth of our own abilities how much control we have and need to be humbled.

I probably don't really have much point in saying any of this.  My sister thinks God could be, and possibly is, utterly detestable for all we know because He's holy and thus exempt from judgement.  Other people I talk to don't seem to think there's an issue with God flippantly rejecting some people and not others.  My church's worship leader stood up and said "There is no reason that God chose you".  Yea......

NO, NOOO!

 https://www.blu-ray.com/movies/Nope-4K-Blu-ray/320287/

"Collector's Edition" --- as opposed to what????  It's the ONLY edition!!!!!!!!!! ??!

I resumed watching this movie a couple days ago.  Still have almost an hour left.  I started watching more of it today but then I had to go to the bathroom and I didn't feel like rushing back to the TV.  This movie is an interesting piece.  It's got some genuinely disturbing moments and an overall feeling of dread.  The only thing I don't like about this movie is it's got some subplot(?) about an episode of a TV show being filmed unsuccessfully, and I don't think the filmmaker necessarily needed to resort to making a piece of pop culture ABOUT pop culture.  Movies should be about things that naturally exist.  The heart of man does need an overlapping running commentary.

Your request for burial insurance can't be processed at this time

Cool plastic on marble countertops telling me I'm not all that, not tall enough, couldn't ever be tall enough

To you, I'm never tall enough
To you, I'll never be tall enough

Red writing on wooden faded walls reading me a story that I can't quite hear, couldn't ever understand it

To them, I'm never smart enough

To you, I'll never be smart enough

Big sound on bigger recess stops telling me I'm not all good, not good enough, couldn't ever be loved enough

To you, I'll never be loved enough

To you, I'll never be loved enough

To me, I'll never be tall enough

To me, I'll never be smart enough

To me, I'll never be loved enough

To me, I'll never be loved enough

It's never enough

Doing better......kinda.. ish..

 I managed to keep my hands off myself through this weekend, a whole whopping TWO days!!  I stumbled and fell this afternoon a couple hours ago after my mind had been veering farther and farther into mucky thinking.

I started today off ok.  I caught up on Bible reading.  I'm on a get-through-The-Bible-in-a-year plan recommended by my counselor.  He recommended a specific one but it happens to be the same as another book that my mom gave me for my birthday a few years ago that I pretty much gave up on after a couple years of half heartedly trying to get through it, without success......  I started just plowing through it.  I realized as I was reading it that I should have prayed first.  I did that eventually, about midway through.  I should have been more thorough with it, tho.

I really hope this week isn't as bad as last.

Still anchored in schitt

 I started out ok.  Don't we allways?  I let the morning get away from me.  And then my mind started going places it shouldn't... and so forth.  I finished and went to bed.  I figured someone would be coming by to pick up something I'd posted for sale, so I kept an ear out for my phone to figure out if they were on their way.  After they arrived and picked up the stuff, I went to sleep and slept for over an hour.  Not a great qty of sleep but I was so ready for it.  As per my usual, I attempted to go to sleep before I gave way to temptation, and didn't succeed.  I really hope this coming week turns out better.

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

It's been

 a wild and turbulent week.  I sunk like the Titanic Tuesday afternoon.  Satanic desires started leaking from my fingertips and took over like a tsunami, avalanching as I went along.  I did a little better yesterday which isn't saying much.  And likewise today.  I don't know if I'll ever get out of this rut.  I don't have the discipline and general propensity for wise thinking necessary to do what I think I need to do.  Which is read The Word!!!  I read a chapter and I know I'm not done but I never find a "good enough" moment to continue reading.  I need to feel more urgency about this.  This is really disconcerting.

1/20 already?!

The church I've been attending for the last couple years is a truly grounded church.  It is anchored in Christ, and it is truly endeared toward His word.  This concept of "election" keeps being brought up, without ever being exposited, except to say "God does whatever He wants.  Who's to judge?"  By that logic, why would anyone ever feel a negative emotion about ANYTHING??  Everything happens by his will, so who cares if I get butchered into pieces and eaten and shat on while I'm still alive?  Why would I care?  It's God's will!  Not only would a Christian be not un-OK with it, they'd be PRAISING Him for it!  "You, God, who only bring about GOOD things, are accomplishing something miraculous in this situation!"  The ONLY good that could POSSIBLY come from that scenario is the understanding of the wrongdoer in this scenario is the victim's faith in God shines brighter and changes the mind and heart of the person who's doing wrong and they repent and continue believing in what they witnessed.  That's not a given.  That's not an un-given.  But it's not a given.  God tells us to turn the other cheek, so that, as Paul explains his epistles, people with evil intent may be put to shame, and even if they shamelessly continue pursuing evil, they will be without any conceivable excuse.  It won't be "well, you didn't exactly help the situation"  They may have that to say about other people, but Christ's children should not be in on that.  We should be compassionate in understanding that they are in danger if they continue acting evil.
But what is EVIL?  God has HIS definition.  But do we have ANY CONCEPT of what that word means?  Or do Christians just parrot what God says?  Surely, there's a part of us that knows at least some of the things that make up right and wrong.  The sexual immorality laws of The Bible are more foreign to natural man, they don't SEEM to make much sense, but the fact of the matter is that God will more likely than not withhold blessing from people that partake in it.  But every other facet of God's law is beyond fair.  Not "fair" because God says it's fair.  Fair because WE, mere mortals, recognize the goodness of it.  Had the Israelites kept God's law, as He says to the people who are entering the Promised Land, they would have attracted people throughout the world because they'd be like "Wow, these laws are so fair and just.  Who HAS laws like these?!"  They'd be joining the faith left and right.  It didn't work out that way, obviously because of Israel's repeated and exceeding rebelliousness toward God.  But the early Isrealites still understood the goodness that was in His word, even if they didn't feel the full weight of it.  People sang praises to Him repeatedly throughout the early books of the Old Testament.  Is that because God TOLD people He's good or is that because we are able to identify what IS *GOOD*?

So, no.  I don't believe God's goodness is outside of our ability to judge.

I emailed my pastor about this yesterday and got a response.  The response made sense, kind of...

The annoying thing about this is I tend to look for a way out of owning up to things.  If it's not my fault, I don't have any intention of being blamed for it.  I don't have any intention of paying for something that isn't mine.  Sure, I'll give to those in need, as long as I'm not depriving myself, but I'm not going to give someone the satisfaction of pinning their ill will on me.  So if I don't feel like pulling my hair westward toward Eden, I'm fine thinking "Well, God's in control.  I don't need to worry about it."  Except I'm not fine with that.  That's my tendency, but I always have a sneaking suspicion that I AM ABLE.  He IS ALSO ABLE, to what I should do, and to pay the price of my NOT doing what I should do, and far more than I can even imagine, but I AM ALSO ABLE to do A LOT.  True, I am not the creator of the world.  True, I don't know literally everything or even understand as much as I perhaps may like to, but THE CHRISTIAN LIFE is not about TRUSTING IN GOD.  The CHRISTIAN LIFE is about LIVING **FOR** GOD.  You trust in God when you FAIL TO live for Him, but inasmuch AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU, PURSUE GOOD WORKS AND CARRY THEM OUT DILIGENTLY.  I don't understand people who are constantly "not relying on good works".  Yes, your good works won't save you.  How the heck could they?  They DO, however, earn favor with God.  In Heaven, we're all equal, maybe, I'm not sure if that's stated in scripture, but on Earth there are indeed consequences for evil and neutrality.  I don't think those consequences are just "The natural order of things".  Those consequences reflect how God feels about you because of WHAT YOU'RE DOING.  I wish I could just preach this to myself, but one thing I'm maybe too good at is not deferring to my own thinking.  My feelings are indeed strong, but my thoughts are just more like "I'll take that into consideration"  Obviously it has to make sense in order for me to consider it.  I'm not going to "have faith" in something that literally makes no sense.