three out of 6...is.... not particularly good

 Well.....I didn't read any of The Bible before trying to go to sleep (unsuccessfully).  I think I'm still, overall, doing slightly better than I was last week......which admittedly isn't saying much.........

a little better

 I've felt less bitter this week, although I've somehow got this sad feeling that me and my sister are not on good terms.  I don't really understand it or know what the solution is.  She says she's not mad at me.  ??

The week started off rocky in regard to my inner evil, I started off of course with Sunday, which was a double header of sorts.  I had church, and then a really great Bible study afterward and I came home and between being a bit fatigued and, me, I ended up giving in sometime at night, I don't really remember what time.  Monday I did OK, although I don't think I was reading The Bible enough.  I was around other believers again on Tuesday, and as I suspected, I came home and fell again.  However -- I took precautions and requested a ride to the Wednesday night church service, and managed to close out the day without the inner evil roaring its head and devouring me.  I stumbled a bit a few minutes before midnight Thursday (it's just barely Friday as I write this now...I really should be in bed......:/ ) but, honestly, I was just wasn't interested.  I was more interested in companionship and the notion of physical contact but I didn't see any indication of that occurring.  The sight of all the crazy videos for surveying was more cringe inducing than anything else.  Perhaps Jesus Christ has transformed my heart at least partway, already(!?!!)  It's really hard to say, because there's times when I'm like this, thinking clearly and doing a halfway decent job at behaving logically and then there's other times that I feel like a frog, just floating above the water like I have nowhere to be.

I need to read some of The Bible before I go to bed or be extra vigilent about reading it in the morning before I get busy with the day(!), so the bits of seed I sowed in my brain today don't sprout into a monster.  Even though I wasn't interested in that moment, I don't think that's a permanent reality.  Like I said, I've felt that way before.  In fact, I'm usually not interested in that sort of thing.  I go most of the day occupied with other things, things that aren't a direct affront to God, but then my mind goes that direction and I find myself moving closer to destruction in mind and then body and then in deed.  It's like my counselers keep telling me -- CLING TO CHRIST!  I know reading The Bible can be done in kind of a surface manner, without a whole lot of engagement, so that is something I need keep in mind to do my best to avoid, and instead try to be THANKFUL and submit my petitions to HIM and look brightly toward the future, not dimming my mind and being all gloomy etc.

Sour

 This week has been rather sour.  I've felt betrayed several hours of the week, recollecting various hurts.  I've also been rather sleepy.  A few days of the week, I ended up sleeping 12 hours.  I think I actually slept more than that one day.  Then of course, my travels to the parts of my brain that contain almost every conceivable hedonism which have been more frequent lately.

I hope things look up soon.  

Doubts... even here

 Borrowed from a Joy Division song title.  I haven't been really doubting my salvation because I just haven't been thinking about it.  When I do think about it, it seems presumptuous to make a distinction about it.  If salvation rests entirely on the finished work of Jesus, then it's a coin - toss as to whether or not I'm going to Heaven or Hell.  Jesus didn't save EVERYONE and The Book Of Life has not been published.  

And I'm still struggling with attraction to Satan's perversions.  I keep praying for God to transfer me from that domain of thinking.  If this period of limbo, uncertainty is all of Hell that I experience in my existence I am indeed beyond fortunate.

Edit (2/2); Choose to be chosen

 I keep coming across these dual realities that are referred to in The Bible, but are usually referred to as individual unique truths that have no relationship to each other.

Exodus 10:27 "But the LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he was not willing to let them go."
https://www.gotquestions.org/today-if-you-hear-His-voice.html

Mark 1:15 "And saying, “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.”"

Ephesians 2:8-10

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."

One pastor noted that God's "providence" is practically screaming out of the pages of scripture.  If one gets the impression that we have free will but we also don't have free will ("It doesn't have to make sense!") it's only because we are aware beyond the truth of our own abilities how much control we have and need to be humbled.

I probably don't really have much point in saying any of this.  My sister thinks God could be, and possibly is, utterly detestable for all we know because He's holy and thus exempt from judgement.  Other people I talk to don't seem to think there's an issue with God flippantly rejecting some people and not others.  My church's worship leader stood up and said "There is no reason that God chose you".  Yea......

NO, NOOO!

 https://www.blu-ray.com/movies/Nope-4K-Blu-ray/320287/

"Collector's Edition" --- as opposed to what????  It's the ONLY edition!!!!!!!!!! ??!

I resumed watching this movie a couple days ago.  Still have almost an hour left.  I started watching more of it today but then I had to go to the bathroom and I didn't feel like rushing back to the TV.  This movie is an interesting piece.  It's got some genuinely disturbing moments and an overall feeling of dread.  The only thing I don't like about this movie is it's got some subplot(?) about an episode of a TV show being filmed unsuccessfully, and I don't think the filmmaker necessarily needed to resort to making a piece of pop culture ABOUT pop culture.  Movies should be about things that naturally exist.  The heart of man does need an overlapping running commentary.

Your request for burial insurance can't be processed at this time

Cool plastic on marble countertops telling me I'm not all that, not tall enough, couldn't ever be tall enough

To you, I'm never tall enough
To you, I'll never be tall enough

Red writing on wooden faded walls reading me a story that I can't quite hear, couldn't ever understand it

To them, I'm never smart enough

To you, I'll never be smart enough

Big sound on bigger recess stops telling me I'm not all good, not good enough, couldn't ever be loved enough

To you, I'll never be loved enough

To you, I'll never be loved enough

To me, I'll never be tall enough

To me, I'll never be smart enough

To me, I'll never be loved enough

To me, I'll never be loved enough

It's never enough

Doing better......kinda.. ish..

 I managed to keep my hands off myself through this weekend, a whole whopping TWO days!!  I stumbled and fell this afternoon a couple hours ago after my mind had been veering farther and farther into mucky thinking.

I started today off ok.  I caught up on Bible reading.  I'm on a get-through-The-Bible-in-a-year plan recommended by my counselor.  He recommended a specific one but it happens to be the same as another book that my mom gave me for my birthday a few years ago that I pretty much gave up on after a couple years of half heartedly trying to get through it, without success......  I started just plowing through it.  I realized as I was reading it that I should have prayed first.  I did that eventually, about midway through.  I should have been more thorough with it, tho.

I really hope this week isn't as bad as last.

Still anchored in schitt

 I started out ok.  Don't we allways?  I let the morning get away from me.  And then my mind started going places it shouldn't... and so forth.  I finished and went to bed.  I figured someone would be coming by to pick up something I'd posted for sale, so I kept an ear out for my phone to figure out if they were on their way.  After they arrived and picked up the stuff, I went to sleep and slept for over an hour.  Not a great qty of sleep but I was so ready for it.  As per my usual, I attempted to go to sleep before I gave way to temptation, and didn't succeed.  I really hope this coming week turns out better.

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

It's been

 a wild and turbulent week.  I sunk like the Titanic Tuesday afternoon.  Satanic desires started leaking from my fingertips and took over like a tsunami, avalanching as I went along.  I did a little better yesterday which isn't saying much.  And likewise today.  I don't know if I'll ever get out of this rut.  I don't have the discipline and general propensity for wise thinking necessary to do what I think I need to do.  Which is read The Word!!!  I read a chapter and I know I'm not done but I never find a "good enough" moment to continue reading.  I need to feel more urgency about this.  This is really disconcerting.