Communion

 

I'd been skipping communion for I don't know how long.  Pastor usually just says to let the elements pass by if you're refusing to repent.  Thing is, I don't know if I'm refusing to repent.  I am lacking in willingness.  If I were 100% absolutely willing to repent I'd do whatever it takes to get it done.  I'd haunt my room, alternating between wailing in frustration and praying, like a total schizo.  I'd endure going without tv or internet.  I'd turn my face against every female that comes in my line of sight.  I'm still not sure if taking it today was appropriate but it's done.  This time, my pastor said something to the effect of 'Examine yourself, and look 10 x more at Jesus '.  I decided to take a leap of faith.  Ill informed faith, perhaps.  I just can't conceive of being joyful denying myself and preparing myself for burial.  Maybe someday I'll get this figured out.