HOMEWORK APR 29 (ongoing)

I missed yesterday.

2nd Corinthians CH7 vs. 9-11

 

It seems like he's basically expounding on what it says somewhere else in The Bible about coming to God with a clean conscience, basically saying that your regret should keep you from continuing the same manner of life that led to those/that feeling(S) of regret.  This passage refers to "sorrow", but is not so much about the feeling but about the consequences of it.  If it bothers you, either the problem is you or it.  If it's it, either deal with it or get rid of it.  In this case, it's kind of a matter of both.  We can't get rid of sin's temptations and presence but we don't need to walk up to it.  I need to do a much better job at not greeting sin with a kiss like I sometimes do.

PtII Sunday May 2nd

I apparently didn't have enough Godly sorrow...succame to temptation.  Had managed to keep myself together for roughly 72 hrs.  I noticed after I finished my plummeting behavior that I was rather sleepy.  I didn't get very much sleep last night.  I'm about to go to bed now but felt I should complete today's entry.  I did ask God for His forgiveness, acknowledging a lack of due respect for His presence and all it entails.  I asked that He instill a healthier dose of that consideration and that I have the strength to continue this week without the same or similar episode.  

I really do want to rise above this.  Of course, I say that now.........Only God truly knows my heart.  I seriously don't know who I am.

 

 PtIII Monday May 3rd

I must say; I haven't felt particularly tempted.  Well, ok, ok.....a little tempted.  Just a little.  Nothing significant.
I slept a good sleep last night.  I went to bed kind of early and woke up kind of late.  Granted, I did wake up briefly a couple times, but still .... I must've got AT LEAST 9 hours of sleep when the norm for me, when you subtract half an hour for each burst of wakefulness that occurs during most nights, is about 7 hours.
I haven't been especially mindful of God.  It's not like my mind has been void of Him, but most of my day has not been devoted to Him or things that would have an obvious stamp of God's approval.  I haven't been singing praises to God or serving up meals to the homeless or talking up God to a non believer or anything of the sort.  I've just been pretty much doing what I can to enjoy the day without delving into sin.
I thought about going for a walk a couple times.  It's weird living with strangers.  On one hand, I don't feel it's fair to them to show distrust to them by locking my door but on the other hand, if I get robbed, it's my own damn fault and I don't even know who else to include in the blame or to hold responsible.  When I head downstairs, I typically don't even include my keys & wallet.  Oops...

Anyway.  Ok, ok...so; Godly sorrow---- I don't know what to say about it.  Seriously, my brain is coming up empty.

PT IV - MAY 5
Ug.  Missed TWO (out of 7) days.
Um...well.........I obviously don't have enough Godly sorrow.  I still struggle to find the sense in this whole business.  I don't fully understand the severity of my sins.  I know some corners of the pornography industry are involved in human trafficking/kidnapping etc., but you could say the same thing about THE UNITED STATES....and you could say similar things about the fashion industry, and sports......there's always a dark side to everything.  The thing that many Christians focus on is marital brokenness, and really, I don't plan to get married.  I don't think I would be a good husband.  I'm not saying God is wrong.  I'm just saying it's really difficult to take Him at His word when the people he spoke with were largely coerced or forced into marriage by their parents and community.  They didn't have to consider "Gee, how do I get to know this woman so I can maybe have sex with her (after I marry her of course)".  Marriage was a done deal not long after puberty hit.  I realize there's probably more to it than that, a lot more.  I think the fact that we won't even have gender identities in Heaven is one of the reasons God commands us to lay aside our sexual appetites.  It's a difficult series of notions to latch onto when they're so at odds with my feelings and the logic of it is so "eeh..."
Hmm.  As for Godly sorrow and how to develop it more.....idk.  I know I failed today.  I need to go further into my walk with God and be more IN His Word, like reading it, taking a small break to maybe have some water, go back read some more, and just do that until something worthwhile comes up.  I really don't do much through most of my days.
........sounds kind of ridiculous that I haven't been doing that already.  What am I stupid or something??(!!!!)

The big bad ......

Just when I think it's safe...........I get comfortable and slip soooooooo
I need to DO MORE BETTER!!!!!!!!!  I don't think this is what Paul was talking about when he said "the thing that I want to avoid I end up doing anyway" (paraphrasing)  It would be easy for me to think that's what he was referring to, just by my own experience but then he curses everyone who even considers this type of shik.

:(

Feeling a little more Jesus-y

 THANK JESUS for a new day, a new opportunity to rise above life's challenges.
It's still a bumpy ride.  I haven't been great at avoiding lust etc. today but compared to yesterday and the day before, I'm a champion.  I actually listened to some Praise/Worship music on Pandora radio for about 20 or 30 minutes.  Still need to try to read some of HIS WORD.  Seriously, for real.  And yet i'm here writing this bs
Anyway.
Life truly is better when one's mind is on The LORD JESUS CHRIST.  Even things that don't seem all that great are better through JESUS.

ayyg

(huff)
DAMN THIS SIN!  I feel like a two-faced liar.  I keep wanting to fight this, but then I let myself give in like I've been doing for the past couple days.  I need to stop this.  I know I should.  I know it's right.  But I forget.........and I end up being pulled into it.  And then I stick around like gum on a shoe.
ggg

so much waste

 I keep thinking "I need to quit wasting time!" but then I'm shot with the sad reality that everything I perceive as "good" ultimately IS a waste of time and anything that ISN'T a waste of time, while I agree is good, is either far too cumbersome to carry out or is not attainable either due to material resources that I lack or simply a lack of knowledge.
Daily Bible reading is a little bit of a challenge, but more so than that is the KEEPING HIS WORD in my heart, which requires multiple trips into His Word.  Most people have a reasonable excuse for not being in His Word throughout the day, but I am literally doing nothing except an occasional good deed (like this afternoon for instance I'm helping distribute food to the poor) or blissing out to music or outright sinning (see yesterday's entry) or reading His Word.  Then there's a huge chunk of time I spend trying to either bliss out or sin, and I end up doing a little bit of both, and compound the matter of waste into all the worse.

Ug.

no closer to

 Still just coasting along, hoping something will change.
I went for a walk.  Came home.  Ate lunch.  Couldn't think of anything to do that I wanted to do except have sex and watch porn.  I failed at both.  And I don't even really care, honestly.  I'm glad in a way, even though it makes no real difference in terms of my scorecard.  I'm still a detestable creature in God's sight.  Maybe it'll be enough ammo to keep away from this stuff for at least the remainder of the week.  idk.

 

ug.

 

 

"nobody does it that way"

I find it interesting that so many people exist, yet so few of them seem to own any one particular album.  Ok, ok -- let's just forget for a moment that "owning" music is a worthless pursuit.  Back when music was being sold without questions of utility or morality, you could often hear about a small handful of albums most years that sell 5++ million copies.  For example -- the 3rd highest selling album of 2002 was Avril Lavigne's LET GO, a nostalgic one for me personally.  It has sold - all together - 16 million copies throughout the world.  Let's look at US domestic sales and suppose sales of used copies are included in that.  Let's say 20 million.  

According to the US Census beer-o's website, the US population (nobody wants to do a citizen count...), as of 2019, was well over 300 million.  Let's say there was a bit of a population jump between 2004 and 2019.

250 million sound like a fair estimate?  I think it was more than that.  But let's just suppose....

20 million people (give or take) bought LET GO by Avril Lavigne.  That is less than 10% of the entire US population.
You might say "well, she was only the 3rd best selling.  Two other artists far surpassed that"  Ok, so let's say 20 million copies of whatever bile the Backstreet Boys churned out that year sold 50 million.  100 million people bought the album because used copies don't count.

How do people who criticize boy bands escape being assassinated by lynching?  You'd think of that 50% someone would be not only vapid in their appreciation of art, but arrogant & crazy enough to do something like that.

Anyway.
So basically, every GOOD piece of music that sells is bought by weirdos.

I keep hearing people talk about other people as if they know the personal lives of each and every other human being.  "Nobody looks at the nutrition facts"  "Nobody listens to that"  "Nobody says that"  "Nobody buys that"  My mom swore up and down that a camera lens for a SONY camera would sit in my Amazon storefront inventory for years and years because "nobody buys cameras anymore"  Yes, an increasingly small % of people have reason or want to buy a camera.  That does not mean that NOBODY buys cameras.  In fact, I'd suggest that the only reason MOST people HAVE cameras is because cell phones come with them.  Before cell phones, camcorders were not something that everybody had.
And people keep saying CDs are not worth buying because "nobody buys CDs"  Yes, they have shrunk in their usage.  They may or may not continue to do so.  They have year after year for over a decade shrunk in usage.  Cassette tapes were the same way.  Guess what?  They're making a comeback.  So is vinyl.  CDs are like rich people.  Everyone on the planet can be rich, but most of them will only be so temporarily.  It is only a very small -- but nonetheless existent -- % of people who will stay rich throughout their duration of stay on Earth.  That analogy is very abstract but the truth of it is quite evident when you dig into it.
anyway.
...
Just writing this down because I was envisioning a possible argument with someone who tends to think about things that way.   rrr

"Is it reeeeeeally that bad?"

3PM on Friday afternoon --- Not my brightest moment.
I got finished with a counseling session yesterday at 4:30PM discussing how downright evil sexual sin truly is.
I got to admit, I'd shook off temptation multiple times from then to roughly 3PM.  (it's now 3:30 ish).
I concocted a logic that most would probably disagree with and I'm not sure how convinced I am of it;

A) The Bible does not forbid sex on film
B) Sex on film depicting extra-marital sex or sex between people who should not be married (same sex-marriages, incestuous marriages, animal/human unions...) is a record of wrong and should not be applauded, in either body or spirit, for the body is where The Holy Spirit dwells and works within Christ's children.

So..........
Hmm.
I didn't exactly follow that logic completely.  I did watch a married couple, but the husband I think was unable to fully satisfy his wife, so he hired a more capable man to give her a more thorough satisfaction. 

Anyway.
I didn't even go a whole day :(
I'm not even entirely sure when I had last ventured into that sort of thing.  It seems like it's been 3 days +/-, but it probably hasn't.  The days go by so slooooooooow...

Alrighty.  Time to wrap up this shame piece and go crawling.
Oh, also -- I seriously did not get enough sleep when I FIRST woke up, but I did go back to bed and get another couple hours of sleep.  I'm not sure why I'm so tired  I did turn on my overhead fan earlier because for some weird reason it felt really warm in here a couple hours ago.  I probably should not have it on.  ..........I may be weird in this regard also, but fans just make me sleepy.

"punishment" vs. "discipline"

People talk about the difference between a punishment and discipline.
Just get this -- when I say PUN ISH MENT --  I mean PAIN!
Yes, you're doing it "out of love" if it's a discipline.  So what?  Does the pain feel different then?
PRISON is pain.  SPANKS are pain.  THE DAY OF JUDGEMENT will be painful (probably more so)
HELL is is also painful and cannot be made comparison to because nobody who is around can testify about it.  The Bible doesn't talk much about it except to say it's a place of weeping and gnashing of teeth, which is also what Earth is, depending on who you talk to and when you're talking to them.

 "God disciplines his children" (paraph) ---- It is good to know the reason why God hurts us, and someone who is loaded with love for everyone and everything can totally ignore the first hand matter of pain but that's not me.  I cannot say that I am void of "what's in it for me?"  I think anyone who says they are and directs others to be likewise is a complete liar and a hypocrite.
Yes, we should be willing to sacrifice (at least) some of our time for the greater good.  And when I say "Our time", I don't mean "We created it"; I mean "WE OWN IT".  Gifts are not owned by their givers.  Any such gift I don't even want.  If it's not mine to freely determine what to do with, then keep it! A "gift that you might want back someday" is not a gift.  It's a loan.
God does technically loan us what we have.  But that's only because everything in this planet we live in is tainted by the same sin that dwells wildly within us.  Anything we could possibly want and more is waiting for us in Heaven.  The best music, the best sculptures and paintings.  It's all there.  My collection of Ghostbusters (TM) toys are nothing compared to what God can fashion.  Of course, The Bible doesn't say that's the reason everything on Earth will be taken from us and destroyed at some point............

Day 5 of my new living arrangements

 Hmm.  I'm kinda getting in the swing of things.
Haven't been on my best behavior.  Been rather unwise in regards to sexual purity.  I seriously need to get a grip on myself.  RRrrr.  It just seems so impractical.  Jesus spoke His words when people had wives just handed to them.  Nobody had even the slightest excuse to forgo marriage and just philander.  I don't view myself as the kind of person who can serve as a husband.  I don't say the right things.  I don't do the right things, even when it's possible for me to do them, which is not often.  People keep trying to tell me that it's stupid to not have a job and to not drive.  I agree.  But that's how it is.  I realize psychology as a study tends to be interspersed with philosophy, but if you go about it as a science, there's nothing un-Biblical about it.  Granted, some psychologists tend to spend more time dwelling on certain specifics elements and sometimes a full understanding of psychology can get muddled by these super - psychologists who take it upon themselves to write a book.
People assume that God created everyone with the same ability to carry out His word.  The Bible acknowledges hunchbacks and people with speech impediments and even says they are not to perform the sacred duties of His temple.
The root truth of The Bible hasn't changed.  Mankind is evil and God wants us to be in closer proximity to Him than we are because our proximity to Him is presently stunted by our sinful nature.  Jesus makes a way for that to happen.
I'm not saying that God will allow me to draw close despite my impurity just because I have more obstacles before me.  I'm not boasting about my obstacles or rejoicing in them.  I just hope that He can take into account how difficult this whole thing is on the Day Of Judgement.