better ness

 So far today I've been doing better.  (see yesterday's post to see how things were then, for at least part of the day).
I've been doing more prayer, which has helped.  I did read a little bit of JOHN (Gospel), ch3.  I didn't leave myself a whole lot of time to really delve deep into it.  I had an appointment to volunteer at the coop.  My wheels arrived a little after 9:30, and I got out of bed at 8:30.  After piddling around on my phone, I had just enough time to eat breakfast.
I hope (PLEASE GOD!), that I maintain at least a semblance of closeness to Christ.  I can't do this myself.  And I'm not going to feel better or be more fruitful if I just don't do this at all.

increasiment

 I increased my The Holy Bible reading this morning.  I read a whopping 3 chapters of John's gospel as opposed to the one chapter I'd been reading lately.  I wasn't expecting that to result in a more difficult fight.  The sinful inclinations dwelling within me rose up and I was, as usual, unwilling to put up a fight.  :/

I need to double down on this and keep doing so.
One thing that got me a little deterred was the notes saying that if you don't obey God you're not a Christian, or something to that effect.  I have no idea how to interpret that snippet of theology / fact other than if you disobey God, you're not a Christian.  I mean, seriously...what does Jesus command me to do?  The ten basic commandments are not DOS.  They are DONTS.  The only "do" in there is to honor your parents.  I guess? I've been doing a better job at that...for the longest time I don't believe I was, and I can't seem to to convince anyone that I am not the scum of the earth for "abusing" my mom from the beginning of my conscious existence until whenever.  I have not forgiven everyone, although I think (?) I've been successful at not demanding anything from anyone, although saying that just now reminded of 1-2 hour long chain-yanking that my brother in law enticed me into, so I got distracted and sent him an email.  OK, so that half-baked success is now no-baked.  So I'm a sexual monster, a disrespectful punk AND I'm a murder.  So HOW CAN I BE SURE I'M A CHRISTIAN?  God's promises were not directed to me.  God "loved Jacob and hated Esau"  That point gets brought up almost every Sunday at my church.  I maybe just need to stop attending that church, idk.  The names in the Book Of Life have not been revealed.  No supernatural power has spoken distinctly saying "Your name is in the book of life" or "You ARE a child of God"  So what basis do I have to think I'm saved?

We talked about this yesterday, me and my counselor.  He seems convinced I'm a Christian because I've read The Bible and am not refusing to believe what The Bible says very clearly.  Obviously, there is a class of human who takes the truth and pretends it's different than what it is so they don't feel as guilty or whatever.  That's not spiritual blindness.  That's dishonesty.  If there's one Christian virtue I'm good on, it's honesty.  That's not because I have The Holy Spirit.  I have always been honest.  I guess I'm more honest than I used to be, but I'm still not going to give Bible tracts to my roommates and get kicked out of my dwelling space b/c of or stand up in church and say "Forgive me bretheren, I have masturbated this past week"  I don't even forsee confessing my sin via text message, although I have given my counselor a link to this blogpost, so maybe this suffices...except that's not really a confession, so :OK, I MASTURBATED THIS MORNING (AYGGG)

I don't know what I'm even talking about yakyakyak..............

Sliver

 https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splinter

The definition of sliver, according to the dictionary, does include that which makes up a splinter.  A small fragment of wood is not a splinter.  A splinter is a very light piercing of the skin from a sliver.  I have lots of slivers, I'd presume anyway, since I don't clean my living quarters very often.  I have had far less splinters.

I find it hard to believe that anyone not stuck 75 miles out in the middle of the woods with no access to TV or radio doesn't have a familiarity with the word "splinter".  Up until recently I was completely unaware that a splinter was sometimes known as a sliver.  If my disbelief is unwarranted, I'd like to know.  Unfortunately it seems I'm mainly just talking to myself here.

Ureika

 I almost sent this to my pastor.  I got to the end and realized there's a perfectly sound solution to this matter that doesn't involve wasting his time.

"I was trying to read Isaiah ch30 earlier today.  First 5 verses, he's talking directly to the Israelites.  The header for vs 6 says "oracle against beasts in Negev". Is that part of the original text?  If so, that would make sense, given the overall heaviness of obscure symbolism in this section of Isaiah.  I started this week sometime reading ch26.  [X] was saying he had just finished reading ch28 so I figured I'd start somewhere in that general area.  I don't remember the exact context of Isaiah but I do remember it was largely God rebuking the people for various wrongs they'd carried out.  Chapters 26-29 weren't any exception(s).. I'm guessing vs6 and 7 is God speaking to Isaiah about the Israelites... The header gets me expecting to read exactly that; an oracle against the beasts.  So far it seems like I'm reading about the proverbial beasts...it says "they" travel to Egypt (with a bunch of words in between) ... I guess I should just survey all the  disparate pieces and then run through it again and piece them together... seems like an odd way to read but then again that royalty guy probably felt likewise about being told to take a bath to be healed of his leprosy..."

I'll update this blog once I finish executing my attempt at the above strategy.

UPDATE: I finished reading it...I think I was having difficulty with it because I was trying to read it out loud and the inclusion and placement of various words seemed to me to very dense and I couldn't read what I was seeing on the page out loud with any kind of expression because so much of it is not obvious as to what it's saying.  The only thing I get out of the passage is that God is seriously pi**ed off and wants people to stop whatever it is they are doing wrong.  There's a passage that sounds like it might be referring to the coming of the Holy Spirit and then there's passages that talk about the future which I can only imagine are written for the benefit of future generations and have no intention of comforting anyone who would have been reading them at the time...or maybe I'm wrong about that... maybe some of the not *as* guilty folks who'd gone to Hell pre-Jesus got a 2nd chance to enter Heaven or maybe they were let in graciously...idk.  He says things throughout like "I won't be burn against you forever" which to me sounds like possibly what I just described or at least something similar to it.  I guess maybe He means the collective "you", like collectively everyone who will ever read this text...but the sentence doesn't indicate that.  Not every person who has read The Bible is an Israelite.  And the people who live today and in previous centuries are not the same people who read these prophecies.  So it's really confusing.  The only thing I can think of is the questions I'm asking aren't really relevant.  God does not promise to save the world.  He does promise to offer salvation to it, and it's a given that some people won't get it.  I don't think it makes sense to think God preemptively rejects people on the basis of hatred, which seems to be how many people preach on Romans ch9.  God even tells His people in Matthew 18:18: It's up to Christians to hold the door to the Kingdom open.  If we just give someone an invitation to church and let them be, not talking to them, not encouraging them and challenging them, it is their responsibility to take the invitation but the only thing that might keep them from going is sins that they committed and kept adding to and were encouraged to hide or defend.  God's people are not required to protect every person from falling into sinful patterns of deed and thought.  God's people would be much more numerous if more people were as concerned about the future of humanity as they really should be.  It is beyond tiring though and I believe God understands that but I don't think he's necessarily *happy* about it.  He does confirm it however and accepts the outcome.  That would have been a lot for Paul to include in Romans ch9 and I don't think people would have read and responded to it in a way that God would be glorified in.  God doesn't want a kingdom of Marthas rushing to get everything done and stressing out over everything. He certainly doesn't want an ongoing debate about "Who'se more loving than who?".  Or people despairing over their role in humanity s destruction.  Plenty of people deny God based on a linear meat and potatoes interpretation of Romans 9.

Clutter

I was reading Isaiah ch28 this morning and was confused...  I noticed while trying to research the point of reference regarding an obscure piece of symbolism that the word "as" was included in the text.  He wasn't going to rise AT the mountain, He was going to rise AS AT the mountain.  The word "as" in italics.  The explanation for cluttering up a sentence with squiggs didn't make a bit of sense.  And the concept is rather irrelevant unless you're some serious Bible student, which would require hours of history lessons and possibly multiple seminaries. Most if not all words in The Bible were not found in the English text. My ol pastor was telling me (in more neutral terms) that when The Bible says "loving kindness", it's actually watering down the original Hebrew word because there is no English word that succinctly encompasses it.  Maybe I don't particularly remember lk being italicized because it's such a distinct word you can't confuse it as being a verse number or something.

Someone was making a Bible concordance and felt the need to insert verse numbers a few hundred years ago. I think verse numbers are a lazy person's guide to Bible reading.  You can get some seriously flawed understanding if you hear some person saying "Well.. The Bible says this". Ya?  What verse?  Ooh..I guess it does say that.  I've actually been advised to be aware of context when I'm reading The Bible apparently because I'm one of those weirdos who understands when Paul says "Hello, Philippians" that the book of Philippians is a letter that he wrote to the Phillipian believers.  I have never found it useful or even entertaining to just read some selection of verses from The Bible.  It's one thing when you're buying and looking at home decor but I don't consider that to be Bible reading.  It is good opportunity to meditate on it assuming you're familiar with the context.  Matthew 7:1 is not something to meditate on unless you understand it in context.  And people constantly take it out of context.  And in all truthfulness, it probably is safer to just not judge.  If you look strictly at Matt7:1, you're setting yourself up for Hell if you have any negative opinions about someone else's actions.  From what I've read, God did accept Jeffrey Dahmer into His kingdom but that doesn't mean whoever was in charge of whatever jurisdiction of The USA he was tried and convicted in was committing a sin.  People say "We all have the capacity..." And true, many of us, if not all of us, probably would be mass murderers if it were not looked down on by parents and punishable by most jurisdictions in the US.  Jeffrey Dahmer wasn't raised in some pagan culture.  His evil actions were a threat to anyone who crossed paths with him.  My own perverted tendencies of thought offend God and have maybe an indirect negative impact on other people and although my sins against God are probably not a significant stretch from Jeffrey Dahmer's, I find it difficult to believe that is true with most professing Christians or even ordinary working folk.  The important thing is not to delude yourself into thinking you're the most evil person that's ever lived.  The important thing is to realize your sin, whatever it is or how justified you feel in it, is an offense to God and should be dying if not altogether dead.

Anyway...got a little off topic sorta...

ppphh

 Still inhaling my vomit.  What else is new?

I was supposed to spend half the day in Athens today.  I thought I'd be asleep by now.  I've been awake since 1am after falling alseep at apprx 10pm.  I called the people who were expecting to meet with me and drive me over there and told them I'm not feeling up to it.  I might end up falling asleep shortly.  They're probably in the middle of enjoying being over there.  idk.  

Last night I was at soup night for a little over 2 hrs.  Probably more like 2.5.  My ride lives right down the street from me, so I went with her to take care of something she'd volunteered to do that evening before going home.

Tomorrow...is Wednesay?  I don't have anything planned that day.
I got groceries on Sunday.  So I'm well stocked on food yet again.  I have plenty of milk and...*probably* enough creamer...it's going by kinda fast, it seems to me like...maybe I'm just oversensing the lack of content in the container...like "it's already 1/5 of the way empty!  Noooo..."  (rolls eyes).  I might be able to get more creamer from Walmart to be delivered.  Some food items I can get delivered for free.  I don't know if it's because of my EBT rcving or they just offer that in general...it's not all food items, just an odd assortment of various things...I kinda doubt I can get liquid creamer delivered...I *could* be wrong..I'll have to check when I get done yacking about myself here....

Um..

Idk.  I spent a long weekend with my sister & co.  a couple weeks ago.  That was awesome.  I got over there midday Friday and was there until my usual time, got home about 3 or 4pm, somewhere around that point...I was also supposed to meet with folk at the church on Sunday but I just figured "count me out" because I had no idea how long it'd take to get everything done on Sunday afternoon after church ie: groceries.  I thought I'd be done later than I was the week before...maybe I was and I just misread the time or misremembered what I'd saw on the clock when I was thinking about it...idk.  It seems like I could have tentatively gone over there and had a ride from my sister, but I didn't think of that until she mentioned it.  I don't get why.  The only thing I can think of is I just didn't want to go, when all comes around.  I do realize it's nourishing to the soul to be around Godly men and discuss God's revelations with others, but...idk.  I guess I wanted to be able to come home and enjoy some of the food that I'd bought.  "Their God is their stomach.  Their glory is their shame."  I really have to just hope that doesn't characterize me.

tyran

Failure 1) I didn't read The Bible Saturday

Failure 2) I didn't take my antipsychotics Saturday night

Failure 3) I didn't read The Bible Sunday monring.

AYG!  So I've struck out again, falling into the usual web of temptation....

I'm probably not as miserable as I should be.  

 

Some

 (EEEH)  I was doing better Saturday and Sunday at not diving headifrst into sin(!) but the chain of amazing-ness (rolls eyes) was broken this afternoon  :/  (!!!)  I hope I can chisel another couple "good" days into my week....maybe even (!GASP) THREE good ("good") days......... (and the crowd goes woah!!-----😮)
I spent the first 3/4 of church just very much feeling a wave of pushback.  I could relate to the ideas in the guest preacher's sermon.  I can tell he has somewhat of the same struggles I have to love and serve God, albeit not with the same degree of severity.  I had just enough hope after his relating to sing the closing hymn.  I felt like a vibrating stone until I got about halfway through the sermon and something slightly akin to hope & peace started piercing through the darkness of my mind.

I got a new credit card in the mail today.  It was only a $350 credit line ($301 available credit to begin with because of the annual fee).  I still have $100 of that remaining but I don't think that's going to last.  I'm not even sure if it's up to date really.  I'll have to tally everything up.  It wouldn't too terribly surprise me if I only *should* have $75 available credit.  On the plus column, it wasn't like I spent $200 on futile rounds of self-discovery or whatever..........Probably more like $125...

I was thinking about what are THE BEST movies.  I don't like to count movies such as THE EXORCIST that are, to an extent, telling a story about some other movie that doesn't even exist.  The main character, as you might recall, was an actress and there was an entire scene that consisted of some imaginery filmmaker filming an imaingary movie.  If everything that mankind has ever known collapses and we have to rebuilt from scratch, and stumble upon an old crusty print of THE EXORCIST, how the heck are we going to have any context?  That is not TIMELESS cinema.  That is very much OF the times cinema.  THE BEST movies can be appreciated by everybody, regardless of their level of education or quantity of experience.  I think THE EXORCIST achieves that despite its' meta qualities, but I don't think it's THE BEST movie.  Probably could very well fit somewhere on the top 50, but I wouldn't put it in the top 10, I don't think....

1)  BRINGING OUT THE DEAD (1999)  Aside from GHOSTBUSTERS (the most "me" film ever), this is probably my absolute favorite movie.  It's very slow, it seems twice as long as it is, but none of it was boring.  It has a very ghostly feel to it, very sad and eerie.  A beautiful looking film, richly layered cinematography.  I don't expect most people will feel of it the way that I do.  I don't know why I find it so appealing.  Supposedly a lot of people who've been paramedics can relate to it better than others, but I have never even considered being a paramedic.
2)  REQUIEM FOR A DREAM (2000) Definitely not boring.  Maybe lacking a couple degrees of realism, somewhat cartoonish, maybe, but the same could be said of many films over the decades.
3)  12 ANGRY MEN (1957) I actually saw the remake by William Friedkin first, not knowing anything about it.  The premise is of a character who takes his duty as juror seriously and skillfully convinces his co-jurors, who exhibit varying degrees of apathy, to re-consider their knee-jerk guilty verdict.
4)  CARRIE (1976) I wanted to like the remake better, given how timeless the story is, and how it doesn't really hurt anything to re-posit the story in a modern day setting.  However, the cell phones are about the only indication of this "modern" retelling.  What I found most at odds was they tried to tell a fairly simple straightforward story differently than it had already been told.  It's a more realistic film in some ways, but it still retains the cartoonish portrayal of Margaret White, tho she's not AS cartoonish as Piper Laurie's portrayal was.  The writers seem to be at least guessing as to what might have motivated the main character to latch onto whatever superstitious sect of Christianity she had with such fervency.  It also ups the ante on the cartoonish portrayal of the "evil" teenagers.  The original was cartoonish, with all the characters, not just the villains.  As much as today's kids might require a more up to date wardrobe and tech presence, it's one unified piece of storytelling.  Nothing is out of place.
5)  SCANNERS (1980) This film is AMAZING. It's fairly standard to begin with, but the climax is...I mean, it's just....wow.  It's a visually stunning spectacle.  It's not like all random artsy rainbows abound or anything like that.  It doesn't break into a painting or something, it's just....idk.  You might be underwhelmed now that I'm talking it up so much.  Just take it from the beginning and see.  Maybe you'll totally disagree.
6)  MYSTERIOUS SKIN (2004)  It's just one of those transcendent film experiences that you'll have to experience yourself.  You might not agree, but I honestly don't know how else to explain it.
7)  GROUNDHOG DAY (1993) Hilarious as all get out, and provides plenty to chew on mentally.
8)  THE SPECTACULAR NOW (2011) It kind of reminds of Mysterious Skin in its raw emotional power.  I don't really know what to say beyond that.  Not *quite* as good, but definitely up there in the ranks.

I might update this list at some point.  There's plenty of other good movies out there.  I really should not still be awake.  I've been up since 5am.  It's now almost 9pm.

!!? XXVIII

 Still struggling to be "the elect", if that makes a damn bit of sense...

I found some helpful notes in John MacArthur annotations of The Bible.  I kept reading Luke 5:39 and void of understanding.  I don't know why that's included in The Bible.  I can only assume it's information that should inform evangelist methods.  Basically saying that people need to be GIVEN God's word regardless of whether or not they ask for it.  Because they're not going to seek it out, being in the middle of drinking the wine they already have.  While I was looking that up I found some elaborations on what Jesus states about the Sabbath.  Which probably shouldn't be necessary but I'm so dull hearted it nonetheless helped.

Most of the notes are typified by his note in Matthew 12:6.  "This was a straightforward claim of deity". So straightforward in fact that it needed to be expounded upon!

12:38 "They were expecting a sign of astronomical proportions". What does that even mean?  If the text needs expounding upon, then this also does.  Of course there's notes on other verses that deal with the matter, that he refers the reader to...  

It's good to have this nonetheless.  It's easier to look up this stuff in one place than to figure out what search terms to enter at the internet.  It just seems like he could have pared this down a little by not assuming that everything in scripture needs his expertise to be understood.

Doubts

 I stand before You wholly guilty and condemned.  You are GOOD even if I perish.  My future could be cut off from any and all semblance of pleasure and for no other reason except that You are GOOD and I am not.  I don't agree with this but I acknowledge that my opinion is of negative value, regardless of what it is.  The thoughts of a mere mortal are a continually and rapidly depreciating embankment.  I feel the same is true with me.  I have not been inclined against sin.  My desire for your happiness is negligible.  My humility is slightly less so.  For you have loved my sister and hated me.  It doesn't matter why.  Or how much or little I ask.  I can only hope that if I keep asking I'll receive at least something other than eternal and optimum suffering.  I don't reap any kind of heavenly crown.  I feel like a fraud just thinking about being given one.