FB

 I don't remember exactly why but I reactivated my Facebook account a few days ago.

I've been just really hazy headed for the past 5 days+/-.  Maybe it's been longer than that, I'm not sure.  Days seem like they just tick by as unremarkably as sand passing through an hour glass.

Still having difficulty staying away from/fleeing immorality.  I was doing kinda sorta better the week before, I think, but not enough to cause anyone else to care.  Just the same as always; "You're going to die!!!, unless you stopppp!".  I have two people that counsel me.  The other guy is a bit more sympathetic toward me.  Neither one of them are hateful or anything but just this back and forth "You're saved. It doesn't matter what you do." vs "You better be afraid!". Idk.

I'm having an extremely difficult time being mindful of the sacrifice God made for mankind and the ramifications of it. Someone suggested I look into computer science or something and make a career out of that.  I was just thinking how painfully exhausted I'd likely be each day.  I'd go to work, come home and HOPEFULLY just go to sleep except I'd be wanting to enjoy some of the time I have on earth so I'd try listening to music but it'd end up being as cold and empty as anything else because I'd be too tired to pay it any mind.  Idk.  It might not be that bad.  But I don't know why anyone would pay for me to go to college.  Getting a loan for it at this point even seems unlikely.

For the sake of purity...

 

This post is kindofa two in one.  I started writing it and then while in the middle of it a friend called me.  

1)"To the pure, all things are pure, but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure; but both their minds and their consciences are defiled."

I feel like I'm stuck in a pattern of negative thoughts.  Even when I'm happy, there's still some negative something or other nestled in the midst of the scenery.

I don't know what I can do about this.  I read The Bible fairly regularly, probably not as frequent as I could and should.  I ask Him for more power and ability to be self controlled and willing to serve, to serve Him joyfully.  

2)My friend says he can see change occurring in me.  I can't see it but I'm trusting between his insights and, not least, God's power and GREAT LOVE for people ("...for God so loved the world..."), that I will be healed of my illnesses.

LoFl

 Lord of the Flies was contrasted with an actual incident from 1965, when a group of schoolboys on a fishing boat from Tonga were marooned on an uninhabited island and considered dead by their relatives. The group not only managed to survive for over 15 months but "had set up a small commune with food garden, hollowed-out tree trunks to store rainwater, a gymnasium with curious weights, a badminton court, chicken pens and a permanent fire, all from handiwork, an old knife blade and much determination". When ship captain Peter Warner found them, they were in good health and spirits. Dutch historian Rutger Bregman, writing about the Tonga event, called Golding's portrayal unrealistic

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_of_the_Flies#

Lord of the Flies presents a view of humanity unimaginable before the horrors of Nazi Europe, and then plunges into speculations about mankind in the state of nature. Bleak and specific, but universal, fusing rage and grief, Lord of the Flies is both a novel of the 1950s, and for all time.

—Robert McCrum, The Guardian.[7]

It really seems like people have too good of a view of mankind.
It also seems like people have too negative of a view of mankind.
Evil can and sometimes does eclipse or enshroud any perceptible goodness in a person.
However, people can be taught how to overcome evil with good.
I'd heard an old pastor quote some other guy saying of the concept of "necessary evil": "Evil becomes regarded as increasingly necessary and less evil"
People have had the attitude of "necessary evil" in regard to just about every perceivable act of depravity, from lying and cheating to sexual immorality and ultimately even murder (although abortion isn't murder, and when else has anyone ever felt justified killing another human being?).  When you take God out of the equation, as people, to varying degrees, tend to do, all bets are off.  And when I say "God", I'm talking about the God that IS DESCRIBED in The Bible.  Regardless of what "people say", The Bible is clear about who God is.  If you're confused about who God is at some point while reading it, there are plenty of people to talk to about different things.  People try to talk about The Holy Bible as if it's two separate writings.  It's not.  The Old Testament is not "The God of Wrath" who is replaced in The New Testament as "The God of Love".  God has always had a high standard and has always had compassion and understanding and has always expected people to trust Him. People today who reject what Yahweh has spoken will suffer the same fate as those who God told to take hold of the Promised Land and refused to do so, instead whining and crying about how evil they think God is. 
People are "basically good", to an extent.  It's not because people are incapable of evil, it's because God has provided instruction on how to live from the beginning when He created Adam.  People have since then taken His instruction and refused to acknowledge the giver OF the instruction, and have tried to tweak His instructions to suit their needs, just like the stereotypical Gordon Gekko - wannabe type who wants a bigger slice of the pie and ends up throwing their business partner under a bus to get it.  Who says there's anything wrong with THAT?!  Who?  Really, WHO?  You?  Why does Mr. BigShot care what YOU think?  Or what your friends and relatives, and/or your neighbor think?  Or his own neighbors and relatives for that matter?  You want something badly enough, whose to stop you from getting it other than your own ineptitude?  God doesn't force people to love Him and act in His ways.  If He did, life would certainly be EASIER for all of humanity...if only we had no free will, sure...
aaaaanyway....

the burning skindin (title added 3:07pm)

(I wrote this midmorning.  I added a random title at 3:07pm same day)

Ppl of the church I'm going to decided to gather around talking all cocky about the supposed differences between them and other Christians because of their interpretation of the "Sovereignty of God" / Calvinism described in Romans 9.

There might be some nuances of error or I could be entirely off base but the bottom line is man has the freedom to do what he wants but does not have the knowledge or wisdom to make the best decisions.  God could come down and say "Hey!  Stop going that way!", but He doesn't.  People end up going too far too long and they end up blinded by sin.  That blinding effect can be offset however.  My mom has always tried to instill in me generosity and kindness.  Neither of us practice either of those as well as we should but the affinity for looking out for others and such was part of my upbringing.  My mom didn't know what she was accomplishing in doing that.  But God knew, even before it was happening/had happened.  God was able to reach me because of that.  I can already hear people crying out "self righteousness!". Bull!  What am I "taking credit" for?  The work that other people have done?  And I say people, plural, because someone in my mom's life instilled that in her before she gave birth to me.  And so on.  

God could have, instead of saying "If you don't obey God, other people are going to get the wrong idea and go to Hell", which He does say in 1 Peter.  But in Romans 9, the emphasis is on God's omnipotence and the fact that The Holy Spirit seals believers with rock solid faith whereas other people are going to parish despite God's ability to save them.  There is no injustice with God.  God does not have to do everything conceivable to stop people from becoming evil.  He could, but He doesn't want to.  That is how I interpret Romans 9, because I'm not just looking at the paper and ignoring the world around me.  The Bible doesn't encourage people to detach their faith from their everyday observations.  Yes, our own bodies are at work against us.  The culture is to varying degrees polluted.  That's why The Bible gives clear instruction on how to live.  If your body says "Go to her", you have God's word saying DON'T.  If your friend says "come to the mosque", you know not to.  Does that mean your ability to see the mountains and your desire for peace and comfort are also untrustworthy?  Of course not!  The Bible doesn't say anything about giraffs.  Does that mean the devil put giraffs here?  

Ugh.  I'm probably not being very "nice" idk...

Crystalized

 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0141907/?ref_=nm_flmg_t_15_act

Town & Country (2001) just strikes me as a movie that was just after it's time.  I don't know why really but the NYC Jewish lineup of Hollywood stars such as him and Warren Beatty, Billy Crystal, and other guys whose names I'm not familiar with precisely because their time was just about ending when I got old enough to explore movies and find out about whose who.  People like Jack Nicholson and Al Pacino were still going strong in 1997/1998, but people like Billy Crystal, although I knew his name well enough, even he was on his way out.  He did one film before he was basically all but disappeared from Hollywood and since then he's basically been doing voice work for people who are too young to care who's who in anything.  I don't think anyone has anything against those actors, really...other than people who've always been dumbfounded anytime an actor gains any kind of starpower...but they have like an aesthetic that, just like any other, I guess, seems to have been pushed over to make way for a newer aesthetic.
I think some of it may be their NYC - ness...NYC used to be where it was all at.  Any town that wanted to be anything basically took its' cues from them.  Nowadays, all NYC is good for is Wall Street.  Nobody longs to visit NYC and experience all of the various hotspots.  And I think that might be because of a variety of factors.  The "back to the roots" strategy of people who have enough dollars and sense to choose healthy foods has probably opened people's eyes to the beauty of other, more natural, environments and I think there's been a moderate uptick in Christianity in that time and Christianity is against the materialism that NYC ultimately stood for and still does.  

Idk...I might be just basing all of this on my own small glimpse of what's going on, ie the people around me and things I've heard people say, which is not the greatest indicator of anything...Maybe NYC actually was still The Big Apple even in 2012, 2013 +/-  Maybe it's just me that's being drawn away from it.

Facebook is gone

 I deleted my Facebook account yesterday.  I don't even remember why.  I think I might have had a reason that actually makes sense............  I was seriously wanting to switch email to some other thing but I could not for the life of me figure out how to port everything over and I was having difficulty deciding how much I actually wanted to port over.  I was trying to delete unwanted passwords from my password manager on Google Chrome and the mobile browser was apparantly NOT taking me seriously.  :/

I've been grumbly all afternoon it feels like, more and more.  I need to lighten up and be grateful and joyous.  I really have virtually nothing to be grim about.  I think I'm more sleepy than I'd like to be so I can't take as much advantage of the things I enjoy in this life and of course this life should be all about service to God and my fellow man, but I'm honestly coming up blank regarding how to carry that out in this moment.  I'm just sitting here biding my time.  .....  I guess I really just need to go to sleep.  It seems ridiculously early and it doesn't make any sense to me to think that I need to sleep.  But idk, I didn't take my mental health medicine yesterday, and I am a freakin' weirdo (psychosis)...maybe that's as much explanation as I can expect.........

I wrote this down because I couldn't get my thoughts straightened out just thinking

I have been arrogant and have acted in accordance with it. Arrogance still lingers within me as I struggle to acknowledge the inherent goodness of your call to humility. I don't know how far I'm supposed to go in that. Am I wrong in wanting clear communication about pertinent issues or expressing my frustration in not getting them? I honestly don't know how to "gently restore" someone on this matter. I don't recall finding anything in Your words about communication. I lack the generosity and patience necessary to be content with this reality of the way my sister responds to what I say. I don't know how to ask you for it without doubting. How can I keep from doubting when your response is so difficult to discern? Yes, no, wait and maybe all look alike for at least a little while. Sometimes a rather long while. I feel like I'm a drain on you. It would not surprise me to find that you've spat me out already. I wish I were more rightfully sorry but all I feel is my own sorrow.  

The Associated Press doesn't like Tim Scott too much....

 https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/tim-scott-is-the-top-black-republican-in-the-gop-presidential-primary-here-s-how-he-discusses-race/ar-AA1gaG3Q?OCID=ansmsnnews11

I can see why the author of this article has such a scoffing tone (I'm probably not wording what I'm saying as articulately as I'd like...).  I don't know Tim Scott's position well enough to say much about it and even if I did it wouldn't really matter.  I can't expect to full heartedly agree with every fine point of any political figure.  And the topic of racism is not just one big header.  The fine points are what make it such a difficult thing to combat.  Yes, racism is still a problem in the U.S.  It's a problem in a lot of countries (If any country was ever guilty of systematic racism it was Germany while Adolf Hitler was its leader, and that's just one very obvious example outside of the U.S. government allowing -- and actually encouraging -- its citizens to participation in chattel slavery).  
I don't see how racism in the U.S. can be referred to as "systematic".  There is no law that says people to any extent need to or should be racist or do things to demonstrate racism.  There were laws on the books that were to that end, but they are no longer in effect.  They've been done away with.  Not by black people demanding it, but by black people calling to the attention of politicians (99% white) the need to do so.  And yes, it was a difficult fight.  Not because racists are obligated to make up a certain % of congress, but because the population has, and had even more at that time, a certain % of racists and congress is basically a sampling of the population.  If you want to know the social mores of the day, look at what congress is doing.  How much corruption is there in congress today?  There's probably just as much corruption going on in homes and businesses across the country in a much smaller scale.  How much racism is in congress today?  It's probably not much different across the overall U.S.  How many times does a congressman or woman use "the f word"?  It's probably not much different with the average joe (although most congress people don't use the f word publicly, at least not when they're on official business or on the campaign trail...That's probably more to do with their circumstances.  If you're trying to win people over, you don't generally say things that make people think you might be angry.  Even if the anger is completely warranted, there's always going to be people who think you're overreacting, no matter what it is you're angry about...).  
Anyway....  That's another thing that gets me, this talk of a "white savior".  What is wrong with a "white savior"?  Abraham Lincoln committed a crime by being white?  Or did he commit a crime by emancipating the slaves?  Should he just let the slaves do it themselves?  LBJ signed the voting rights act and the civil rights act.  Should he have stayed out the way instead?  That's like if a woman gets raped and Arnold Schwarzenegger comes in and pummels the guys ass and the woman says "Well, THANK YOU, but I don't need A MAN to help me!"  People who are in trouble need someone to save them.  Viola Davis was lambasting her role in the film THE HELP because it has a "white savior" in it.  I guess the journalist in the story could have been black and it would have such a better movie.......??

Spirit Fresh

 I was trying to communicate this a few+ years ago to some guys in a Bible study but they seemed skeptical of the idea.  I thought about texting one of those guys about it but I don't know if he's even alive anymore.  One of those guys I'm friends with on Facebook and he's no longer with us.  It's strange to think I have like 14 friends on Facebook and three of them are deceased.
Anyway, we were going over Genesis where, after Jacob, later known as Israel, meets God, he tells the members of his household to forsake their idols.  People in my Bible study were wondering how Israel knew that since The Ten Commandments were not written and the text says nothing about any conversations that God had with Jacob/Israel (as if The Bible were all that detailed about every little thing like that...).  I was supposing that meeting God would have encompassed obtaining that knowledge, for two reasons:

A) God is not an object, like people are.  People, even ones who are full of LIFE, contagiously exuberant, or otherwise emotional, are still largely objects.  Marrow, blood, skin, etc...  God is not only far more alive than any of us, but He is not bound by those constraints.  B) God is not a matter of consequence.  Who am I?  Who are you?  Many potential answers to that question are a sheer matter of happenstance.  Where does one work?  What foods do "like" to eat?  What is one's fondest childhood memory?  Who are your parents?  What are your sources of comfort?  All of these things, to varying degrees, are manufactured.  A person's "favorite food" is often limited by their region, as well as their economic status.  A lot of people can't afford to eat their FAVORITE food, so they might not even be thinking about that as an option.  What are your sources of comfort?  That often corresponds with what you're familiar with.  What you're familiar with is largely based on what other people around you are familiar with.  That's why music from 50 years ago is often very different from music of today but music from 5 years ago isn't all that different.  Innovations in music are typically very slight.  Yet these are "creative" types of people.  People who don't create music or any other kind of art simply hear what gets put in their direction.  Why some of it is liked more and some less or not at all is too complex to really unravel here.
As Samuel said to King Saul "...the Glory of Israel will not lie or change His mind; for He is not a man that He should change His mind"
When you meet God, you meet HIM.  You don't meet his skin.  You don't meet whatever mask He's wearing.  You don't meet a phony smile or any sort of pretense of confidence or whatever.  You don't meet his "favorite" color, or anything else that might change with the seasons, but you meet HIM, HIS ESSENCE!  His essence is that idolatry is forbidden.  He is a jealous God, an all consuming fire.  Undoubtedly Jacob did not meet God face to face, or He would have been evaporated ash.  There was some distance between Him and Jacob but Jacob saw enough of Him to see that idols were a hindrance.  When you see someone sincerely crying and you KNOW you did something to hurt them, you almost feel their pain.  At least I do.  That kind of honesty that only God has, and the empathy that man at least has the potential to have, that could be a more straightforward simple explanation of how Jacob knew about the evil of idolatry, but then again, I can't speak for Jacob, but I know that before I learned about God through the words and sentences in The Bible, that I had no idea idolatry was anything to be concerned about.  I don't even know if I knew what idolatry is.  After my mom converted to Christianity, I think I learned about it a little...of course, there's varying degrees and kinds of idolatry...   So I think my initial explanation is probably more plausible, although it does appear at least that the early humans, i.e.: Cain (the first recorded instance of murder) were better able to communicate with God.  Romans 1, although people I know interpret that as a statement about each individual person, I think, unless I'm some weird exception, that those verses that talk about people having an internal knowledge of good and evil and God making His invisible attributes evident to people, are more in relation to ancient humans.  Those verses may? still pertain to some more primitive societies...I think when Jacob was alive on Earth, that kind of osmotic communication may have still been effective enough to resound with people.  And I think some people, who aren't exposed to and surrounded as much by sinful influences, might be more able to receive God's communication than I was.

I don't really know how to "properly" close this...uh.....

telepathy

 I really get sick of people saying "Jesus said anger is the same as murder" or some variation of that sentence whenever the word "murder" ends up used in a sentence.  First of all, Jesus did not say that.  He simply said, in a nutshell, that you don't have any business applauding yourself for not having murdered someone, which lines up with the rest of The Bible.  The social taboo of murder is cross cultural and even if it weren't, God is the one who decreed to Jesus' audience (the descendants of Abraham and Sarah) that they should not murder and should love one another.  They probably did succeed in mastering that, inasmuch as anyone has, before or since, but there are times when a person simply ends up a violent rage and the only thing stopping them from murdering someone is the knowledge of the consequences, i.e.: public scorn, jail time and even death depending on the circumstances.  There are times also when a person might hold back strictly because they know it would grieve God, but, at least in my experience, those times are far outnumbered by the times a person holds back for the lesser reasons.  If you have not murdered, you probably still have sins in your heart, some of them may not be pressing issues that need constant scrutiny, but some of them might be, and even if there is no pressing sin that needs to be constantly battled until it is killed, A) you have no authorship over that and B) you are not exempt from the need of God and the propitiation for your occasional bouts of sin that Jesus The Christ volunteered to be so that we, all mankind, might find reconciliation with Father God and have fellowship with Him at His feet.
But murder and thinking about murder are simply not the same thing.  Murder *begins* in the heart, but it does not begin AND end there.  The seeds of murder are called malice.  Malice is malice.  Murder is murder.  The two words cannot be used interchangeably.  Scripture in some instances might use the two words interchangeably but people in the USA (and probably much of the rest of the world, I'd imagine, although I can't say I know that for a fact) don't talk with the same heavy handedness that The Bible is written with.  The Bible is constantly hammering home a point, in many cases it's hammering home more than one point at the same time.  When James says "You don't have so you murder", he's making an overall point, but he's also making a point just by use of the word "murder".  It is not a light thing to be angry at your brother or sister in Christ.  But not every word people in everyday speech say is meant to be scrutinized and double checked the way The Bible is.  If I say "murder", I mean the unjust taking of one's life.  Murder is not an act of telekinesis.