Aw, seriously

 I know Ghostbusters would have / could have been a breakout role for Ernie Hudson, but it wasn't.  I understand him being sore over the whole thing, being re-written as a character to appear midway through the film etc., but it just seems like he's being a bit pompous for no apparent reason about GB4.  Ghostbusters fans know who Ernie Hudson is.  Nobody else even knows who Ernie Hudson is because nobody else freakin' cares.  Lots of actors are in the same boat, working for decades and never getting much other than a steady paycheck or two here and there.  1987's LEVIATHAN had Ernie Hudson in it and because he was working alongside other quasi unknown actors, and he had just done GHOSTBUSTERS a few years prior, his name was worth putting on the marketing materials.  By 1989, when GHOSTBUSTERS II came out, it was probably welcome info, pre wifi etc., to have Ernie Hudson's image on the poster, since, for people who were really into GB1 (Ghostbusters fans), it felt kinda weird at best to think of GB2 without Ernie Hudson.  Most audience members probably didn't care enough for that to solidify or shake their anticipation of the film, and the poster art reads a rather impressive list of names anyway:

BILL MURRAY
DAN AYKROYD
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
RICK MORANIS

Honestly, Harold Ramis' name probably didn't need to be on there either, because most people don't know who he is, except real rarified film buffs, since most of his contributions to cinema are bts.  But I'd imagine they just put his name on there anyway, because he was something of a bigshot as far as Ghostbusters is concerned.
Bottom line is I don't believe Ernie Hudson is being singled out or any more mistreated than any other second or third tier box office draw.  To think the studio has any ill feelings toward him, I just don't get it.  If he doesn't want to be in GB4, for whatever reason, I'd imagine the studio probably will refuse to make the movie and then before you know it, being a Ghostbusters fan will be synonymous with funneling money to neo-Nazi lobbyists

ptth

Managed to blow over $150 this month.  How ever does he do it?  And I didn't even donate anything to charity.  Am I happier now?  Eh....not...........really?  maybe?  I honestly don't even know what the answer to that question is......I suppose the real question is AM I $150 worth of happy-er now?  The answer to that is.............I don't think.....probably..not....maybe....I strongly doubt it.

For the time being, now that I have no money to steal from God, I'm....uh...kinda, determined to tithe a tithe and maybe give a little bit of an offering once I finally get money, but.......I mean, yeah.................Will I actually do what I should once the time comes or will I bow into idolatry and friendship with the world?  I............don't know (?!)

Dkhd the Saga continues

 My inclination of perverting God's design continue to get in my way.  This past week, idk if I've made any discernable progress....I don't think it was any worse than the week before, but.........eh...
One good thing about this past 8 days is I didn't defile the New Covenent Sabbath in that way....   I just got done incurring guilt b/c that's just the kind of dumb crap that I do sometimes.........................

If I can go Tuesday, Wednesday and Thrs w/o fkn up, I'll maybe cut myself some slack, as I get the impression from hearing other people talk that I should....My sister cites that passage "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man" as meaning that my predicament is not to be considered a sign of hellboundness, but then one guys that tried counseling me and gave up with it somehow managed to get me thinking that the verse meant the exact opposite of what I'd always been told it meant.  

(sigh)

three out of 6...is.... not particularly good

 Well.....I didn't read any of The Bible before trying to go to sleep (unsuccessfully).  I think I'm still, overall, doing slightly better than I was last week......which admittedly isn't saying much.........

a little better

 I've felt less bitter this week, although I've somehow got this sad feeling that me and my sister are not on good terms.  I don't really understand it or know what the solution is.  She says she's not mad at me.  ??

The week started off rocky in regard to my inner evil, I started off of course with Sunday, which was a double header of sorts.  I had church, and then a really great Bible study afterward and I came home and between being a bit fatigued and, me, I ended up giving in sometime at night, I don't really remember what time.  Monday I did OK, although I don't think I was reading The Bible enough.  I was around other believers again on Tuesday, and as I suspected, I came home and fell again.  However -- I took precautions and requested a ride to the Wednesday night church service, and managed to close out the day without the inner evil roaring its head and devouring me.  I stumbled a bit a few minutes before midnight Thursday (it's just barely Friday as I write this now...I really should be in bed......:/ ) but, honestly, I was just wasn't interested.  I was more interested in companionship and the notion of physical contact but I didn't see any indication of that occurring.  The sight of all the crazy videos for surveying was more cringe inducing than anything else.  Perhaps Jesus Christ has transformed my heart at least partway, already(!?!!)  It's really hard to say, because there's times when I'm like this, thinking clearly and doing a halfway decent job at behaving logically and then there's other times that I feel like a frog, just floating above the water like I have nowhere to be.

I need to read some of The Bible before I go to bed or be extra vigilent about reading it in the morning before I get busy with the day(!), so the bits of seed I sowed in my brain today don't sprout into a monster.  Even though I wasn't interested in that moment, I don't think that's a permanent reality.  Like I said, I've felt that way before.  In fact, I'm usually not interested in that sort of thing.  I go most of the day occupied with other things, things that aren't a direct affront to God, but then my mind goes that direction and I find myself moving closer to destruction in mind and then body and then in deed.  It's like my counselers keep telling me -- CLING TO CHRIST!  I know reading The Bible can be done in kind of a surface manner, without a whole lot of engagement, so that is something I need keep in mind to do my best to avoid, and instead try to be THANKFUL and submit my petitions to HIM and look brightly toward the future, not dimming my mind and being all gloomy etc.

Sour

 This week has been rather sour.  I've felt betrayed several hours of the week, recollecting various hurts.  I've also been rather sleepy.  A few days of the week, I ended up sleeping 12 hours.  I think I actually slept more than that one day.  Then of course, my travels to the parts of my brain that contain almost every conceivable hedonism which have been more frequent lately.

I hope things look up soon.  

Doubts... even here

 Borrowed from a Joy Division song title.  I haven't been really doubting my salvation because I just haven't been thinking about it.  When I do think about it, it seems presumptuous to make a distinction about it.  If salvation rests entirely on the finished work of Jesus, then it's a coin - toss as to whether or not I'm going to Heaven or Hell.  Jesus didn't save EVERYONE and The Book Of Life has not been published.  

And I'm still struggling with attraction to Satan's perversions.  I keep praying for God to transfer me from that domain of thinking.  If this period of limbo, uncertainty is all of Hell that I experience in my existence I am indeed beyond fortunate.

Edit (2/2); Choose to be chosen

 I keep coming across these dual realities that are referred to in The Bible, but are usually referred to as individual unique truths that have no relationship to each other.

Exodus 10:27 "But the LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he was not willing to let them go."
https://www.gotquestions.org/today-if-you-hear-His-voice.html

Mark 1:15 "And saying, “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.”"

Ephesians 2:8-10

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."

One pastor noted that God's "providence" is practically screaming out of the pages of scripture.  If one gets the impression that we have free will but we also don't have free will ("It doesn't have to make sense!") it's only because we are aware beyond the truth of our own abilities how much control we have and need to be humbled.

I probably don't really have much point in saying any of this.  My sister thinks God could be, and possibly is, utterly detestable for all we know because He's holy and thus exempt from judgement.  Other people I talk to don't seem to think there's an issue with God flippantly rejecting some people and not others.  My church's worship leader stood up and said "There is no reason that God chose you".  Yea......

NO, NOOO!

 https://www.blu-ray.com/movies/Nope-4K-Blu-ray/320287/

"Collector's Edition" --- as opposed to what????  It's the ONLY edition!!!!!!!!!! ??!

I resumed watching this movie a couple days ago.  Still have almost an hour left.  I started watching more of it today but then I had to go to the bathroom and I didn't feel like rushing back to the TV.  This movie is an interesting piece.  It's got some genuinely disturbing moments and an overall feeling of dread.  The only thing I don't like about this movie is it's got some subplot(?) about an episode of a TV show being filmed unsuccessfully, and I don't think the filmmaker necessarily needed to resort to making a piece of pop culture ABOUT pop culture.  Movies should be about things that naturally exist.  The heart of man does need an overlapping running commentary.

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Cool plastic on marble countertops telling me I'm not all that, not tall enough, couldn't ever be tall enough

To you, I'm never tall enough
To you, I'll never be tall enough

Red writing on wooden faded walls reading me a story that I can't quite hear, couldn't ever understand it

To them, I'm never smart enough

To you, I'll never be smart enough

Big sound on bigger recess stops telling me I'm not all good, not good enough, couldn't ever be loved enough

To you, I'll never be loved enough

To you, I'll never be loved enough

To me, I'll never be tall enough

To me, I'll never be smart enough

To me, I'll never be loved enough

To me, I'll never be loved enough

It's never enough