a static

 My confidant confronted me head on with something that had occurred to me from time to time, and had actually gone through my mind a couple days before we met up.  He emphasized that Christians are to be born again.  I of course recall this being spoken of by Jesus in the Gospel of John (chapter 3) and being a bit perplexed by that because I often feel like a lump of fat and not much else.  I don't recall ever feeling different except on brief moments where I'm pumped up about something.  I don't ever recall being overwhelmed with grief or its flipside, gratitude.  I don't recall my state of being ever changing.  My mom said she could see a difference after I accepted Christ's calling and was saved, but I never did.
While discussing this, he pointed out some verse that "should scare me".  And I finally got down to it -- "OK, so what if it does scare me.  What am I supposed to do about it?!"  He said to ask Christ to save me from this deadness.  As far as I know, He hasn't done that, but if He had, I don't even know if I would be able to identify it.  He makes a good point, although I'm honestly a little confused as to how to being scared for my life fits into it.  He said I should "tell Him" that I'm "tired of" living in sin, and ask for Him to deliver me from it.  Which is a bit different than "I'm scared, please help me".
Anyway...  to be continued....