this is me at the ending of Forrest Gump...

I owe my cats an apology, although I'm not sure what good it would do to talk this out to them...

I had a nice dream a month or two ago, actually I think it was like two nights in a row, maybe not, about living in my birth-state, California. I remember beauty all day every day every where, in the mid-part of that place, a couple driving-hours away from San Francisco. A lot of people imagine California as being some unbearably hot place, but those people are the ones that are sold on the concept of Los Angeles being the only city in California. In Monterey county, it was fairly cold, it rarely got hot. It rained a lot, but there was often a glow of sun when it wasn't raining, and the air was sprinkled with the feel of the nearby ocean. In the actual town of Monterey, there was a lot of places where you had to park your car away from and then walk to in order to be...I remember riding the bus, a beautiful machine in and of itself, around the tourist town of Monterey. Of course, the town right next to Monterey was, and probably still is, infested with drug dealers and gang-violence. As with most social disgraces, the police can't do much about it except drive them away to someplace else (isn't jurisdiction great?), which, in this case, would be (possibly) Monterey; and the tourists wouldn't like that, so they'd stop coming and tell their friends to do the same...kinda sux that the police are society's only answer to the problems that arise, when society itself could be fixing these problems, but nobody seems to understand or accept that the social disgraces of the world, like weeds, have roots; the roots need to be destroyed. Easier said than done (A LOT easier said than done), but it's the only way. But, I think, deep down, society doesn't want a perfect world. If it was desired, we would put our resources to good use and fix them and they would never haunt our lives again.

But about that apology; (went from that to the explanation of the reason for the apology to something pretty much unrelated...sorry...) If I ever traded this billy hill for the Wild West, I would have to get rid of my cats; they are my only companions, aside from my pair of immediate family members that live nearby;

see, when I lived in California, I was plauged by symptoms of allergies. One of those allergins was cats; I was over 13 and 1/2 when I moved from California to Missouri, and I noticed almsot instantly that my allergy symptons were virtually non existent when I began living with my adopted grand mother until my mother found me and my sister (and herself) a place to live...

It's bad enough knowing that Napoleon isn't gonna live forever, but to just DITCH him would be heartbreaking...I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to make it in California, just b/c I'm not very resourceful and wise at making best use of what limited resources I know of, but when I realized this about my cats I couldn't believe I was even mildly considering it!

shame, shame, SHAME on ME...

Napoleon, I apologize. Dang it, he didn't even look up at me. He's sleeping on my bed...well, what life do I have to blog about aside from my thoughts? Here, happy? I wrote a new post, go fetch...BLEH...

purely good moods

well, for those of you who don't have windows or live in Antarctica (are either of "you" even reading this?), the weather in the USA, or at least the greater part of the midwest, is very sweet; feels like the set of an arthouse film, it surely does...it's hard to describe.
It's weird how I'm enjoying BOTH SIDES (1993) by Phil Collins a lot more with this (Seal)crazy weather...I was listening to Tangerine Dream's PHAEDRA (1974), which I just got in the mail today from an Amazon mktplce seller, and it went good with all this wind...it's like the wind went through my body and the music went through my ears...or something like that...I guess that might not make a whole lotta sense without having heard PHAEDRA or anything by Tangerine Dream...if you've heard Yanni, just imagine something kind of along those lines as far as "genres" go, except more "experimental" sounding...
Oh, well, I just got the cables necessary to hook the DVD player up to the receiver that I had received via UPS on Wednesday this morning, so along with enjoying PHAEDRA, I just HAD to listen to INVISIBLE TOUCH (1986) by Genesis, since I know that CD like I would recognize the sky and it's one of those very detailed sonic-layered CDs; kind of like the yardstick to which I judge a stereo system's value...the sound quality isn't that great, but I guess for $175 apprx, that's about as much as I can expect. It definitely sounds better than my TV. And it looks a lot better than that $100 shelf system that I returned to Amazon several months ago. So basically I paid $75 for looks...man...I'm not worried about it, just interesting to think about, although not too much, or else I'll start devising some odd plan(s)...or maybe not...I mean, to ME $175 seems like a lot of $. But, really, it isn't...I mean, what can I do? If I return it, I'd be without a decent-looking and sounding sound system. Which I do not want. The only downside to it is I'm almost out of $, but that's not the sound system's fault, and I can certainly do without $ for 25 days apprx...I mean, all my bills are paid, and I got a few+ CDs coming in the mail. Junk/fast food isn't worth the $ I'd spend on it anyway...I have like $1.50 (I think) on my debit card, which I could use to buy some junk food at the grocery a little ways up the street, but I was too lazy to walk there and I finally decided on tomato soup for dinner, so it's not even a big deal anymore...but, of course, this isn't the last battle with "snack attack"(s), so I know I'm in a little bit of a rut, but music is important to me, so it's just shameful to return a music-enhancing system for the sake of some food that I SHOULDN'T BE EATING(!). That makes sense to me. Sorry, I'm just kinda thinking out loud, so everyone (...) knows my intentions...I want to and plan to keep this system. It's gonna be difficult, but I think I can do it.

objects afront you usually more disgusting than they appear

NENA: THE DEFINITIVE COLLECTION

this looks intriguing. It has some not-so-awesome songs on it, but it also had people working on it who were unbraindeadened enough to include 2 KILLER songs from Nena's album 99 LUFTBALLOONS that, even though (as far as I know) weren't on the radio were still REALLY GOOD songs...although, really; was anything of hers on the radio aside from the title track of 99 LUFTBALLOONS and its English counterpart? Maybe in Germany...but regardless, it seems like compilation makers intentionally take the "greatest" away from "hits"; these compilations shouldn't usually be referred to as "greatest hits" packages and CERTAINTLY not "best of" packages. Do these albums have hits? Yes, more or less, but GREATEST? Just b/c a song climbs up the Billboard charts does not make it a GREATEST hit. Dancability, and catchiness are only important to ditzes who have nothing but empty space in their head. What about gut-wrenching confessionalism or anthemic life-savers? "Rhetta Miche" IS catchy, and it's got a quirky devilish beat, with multiple layers of sound, and X/? song (that one that translates from German to "Light House" in English) has a very deep and resonating beat, almost creepy bass, definitely worth hearing (AND it's catchy!). Are these songs danceable? Maybe, but you probably won't find wasted youths/young-adults dancing to these tunes for the sake of forgetting half the week they just lived out.

the problem is that there are no problems...yet

Ok, well, there's not NO problems, but we sure have a lot less than we once did...war isn't all around us, biggotry still exists, but most of us are working on it...I see a bright future for us, if we can keep our heads going and not let our brain cells turn to mush in our comfy world.
I don't think the majority of people are airhead ditzes that drool over the next little sliver of information about Brangelina's new baby; however, the majority of people who are willing and able to let advertisements on television work their magic on their heads ARE airheaded ditzes. Simply stated: the majority of people either don't watch TV or don't pay much attention to it if they do watch it.
But television and its viewers are not the only forces that can take over our brain for us. I doubt this will happen, if I'm right about the majority of people not watching TV, but I think books like 1984 and all them resonate with people so much long after the Cold War's end b/c so many people, although hopefully not the majority, are willing to let the gov't take away their freedom. The gov't hasn't yet taken away any basic freedoms, but if they did, what would we do? How would we do it, if we could do anything?...

I never wanted to...

Yesterday I asked that attractive woman who recently (?) moved into my apt on a date. She (supposedly) has a boyfriend, so that's out of the way...naturally, I tuned into my Pandora "emo" station and a song by Saosin was the 3rd or so song I heard, titled "Finding Home", and I remembered there was an EVEN BETTER (!) song by them that I heard via a torrent download, and I wasn't sure what it was called. It seemed there was that and another song or 2 that was really good off of their self titled album, but I wasn't sure exactly what they/it were called, so I had to go on Amazon and listen to samples, before either downloading the ENTIRE album (again) or selecting tracks from it that I didn't want to hear yet thought I did...
so...
i've been listening to those two Cartel songs + "Finding Home", "I Never Wanted To", & "You're Not Alone" since yesterday afternoon...

we know there's an answer

I updated my playlist.com playlist just now to highlight the MOST AWESOME song(s): Q & A by pop-punk band Cartel. I went outside for some reason, I think to get a coffee, and I had music in my heart; I felt like singing out "REACHING OUUUT, REECHING OUUOUT; NO ONE'S NEAR ME-AFTER ALL THIS TIME, BEEN REACHING OUT BLIIIIIIIINDLYYYYY...", but I was afraid I was alone in that sentiment and all I'd provide was (further) evidence of my insanity...
I've created a seperate playlist on Windows Media, 'cause playlist.com is without a few songs that I think are central to my current mindset.

An attractive woman appears to have moved in my building. I'm not really "into" her, and I haven't spoken a single word to her (I think...), but, supposing she isn't disgusted by me or currently involved with somebody else, the fact is: my life has been given opportunity. The sad thing is, I'm not sure I wish to bother with it. And so I'm feeling a smaller degree of the whole 2001-2002 Megan Irvin crush. Actually, I guess it feels more like when I first moved out 5 years ago and was going to the college library to use their computers & listening to RAGE 103.7. Kent (the SEMO University's) library no longer allows non-students to use their computers and RAGE 103.7 has become just another faceless radio station (basically REAL ROCK 99.3 w/o the "classic" rock). And of course I have my own computer and have pretty much mapped out the "modern rock" landscape of the last 5++ years enough to know how to find music I like...which means I've grown bored with a lot of the bands who sang "That song" I had heard on RAGE 103.7 in their pre-koksucker days, via listening to the CDs that have "that song" on them repeatedly...
My life is better lately b/c of Pandora. I managed to select the most quintessential modern-day emo bands (i.e.: Hawthorne Heights, Silverstein, Armor For Sleep, Senses Fail...) and based on those selections, Pandora delivers emo-tional bliss 95+% of the time (well, maybe not THAT often, but a heck of a lot more often than RAGE 103.7 EVER did...and this is keeping in mind that RAGE 103.7, circa 2003-2005, was the best radio station I'd heard since KISS 93.9 started trying to reach out to the teeni-bopper market with the heartless sounds of the Backstreet Boys/N'Sync; from about 1998, when they first came on air, to about...late 1998? Maybe it was 1997 when KISS 93.9 went on air...but by 1999 or 2000 they'd "branched out"...the Cape Girardeau, MO region had a fairly good soft rock station from like sometime in 2001 to sometime in...i don't know exactly when the soft rock station started getting cruddy; I think it was a gradual progression, from slightly mediocre to flat-out annoying. I'd had it pretty much for good when I couldn't seem to turn on their station without hearing Michael McDonald's Motown re-work album...and WHAT IN THE HECK was Uncle Kracker doing getting so much attn from soft rock radio? Sure, he's SOFT (or at least some of his music is), but the guy's a jerk. If you can't listen to "Follow Me" (or whatever the heck that song's called) without getting that sense, then perhaps knowing he is/was buddies with Kid Rock should do it for you...of course, Kid Rock is emensely popular, so who am I talking to? Anyway, it seems being a macho-ish-jerk is perfectly acceptable; Toby Keith makes his NAME off of that crap. But I hate it. And I'm crazy...

But anyway; this 16 track Windows Media playlist is really good. It's also got 4 songs from WARNINGS/PROMISES by Idlewild. And a couple by Staind. I Love "Trust Me" by The Fray. That album, HOW TO SAVE A LIFE, was pretty good, but I don't think people are "spoiled" for being disappointed with their follow up "just b/c" it wasn't "AS GOOD" as their debut...now, if The Fray had made a bunch of songs as good as "Q" and "A" by Cartel, and their follow up was only half as good, THAT would be spoiled. People really don't DESERVE to be lured into paying for music that isn't as good as the bait used to do the luring...

mysterious answers...

I got MYSTERIOUS SKIN (the Gregg Araki film, based on Scott Heim's novel) in the mail today. This is the 2nd time I've bought that movie. The first time I bought it was over a year ago (maybe?) and then I didn't buy it for a long time after that 'cause the first copy I bought had a dented case and I just couldn't handle keeping it on my entertainment center or bookshelf...so I sold it for $3 measily bucks (good think I didn't pay what most "major" retailers charge for it - which is usually AT LEAST $19.99 + applicable shipping charges...)...how am I to ensure any given purchase I make doesn't arrive all beat up? I got a fairly good deal on the 1st copy I bought, given the fact I didn't know it was all funked up, but the place where I got it from (eBay) kicked me off 'cause I wouldn't pay my fees RIGHT THEN AND THERE...and, in all honesty, I don't like the idea of buying on a website that got it's reputation from selling on eBay or Amazon...word of mouth and marketing is the way a business should operate, not by using someone else's reputation as the foundation of yours. If a business wants to sell on Amazon and lower the overhead by not having to maintain their own website, that's great, but it's just stupid to have a website that nobody would go to if it weren't for a different website...
bottom line is I didn't want to go to monstermart.com and buy MYSTERIOUS SKIN. 2ndly, I didn't want to doll $15++ on a dVD that I don't NEED to have (I don't watch the same movie that many times...) and then wait almost a month or however long for a friggin' refund and then do that a zillion times until I'M satisfied! After all, obviously nobody gives a crap about my satisfaction anyway...
but I got it in the mail today 'cause I had a $25 coupon that I was totally clueless as to what to use it on. so I got that and a CD for $0.34.
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW! the case is dented on this copy, too. See, not all superstitious am I? But whatever; looks like I'm never gonna have a "mint condition" copy of this cinematic treasure to behold and cherish...I might sell it on Amazon...maybe not...

poem #?????????

Falling
Who knows where to?
I just hope I’m not
Fading
I know I’m just
Fading
But it feels like I’m
Falling
When I think of
Dying
I hope for the best, fear the worst
Who’s to say the rules
When people will always do what they will
Who’s to say what makes the world go round
When your explanations are merely based on what you want to believe
And what someone else wrote
More so the latter than the former

But I fear my demise
I don’t know why
I battle my fear with my dreams of
Falling
Like an ocean wave
Like a person jumping from an airplane
Like a thing I’ve never had the courage to experience
Like a thing without fear
Like a thing without hesitation
Like a thing that knows what must be done
-what must be done
Regardless
-of what I think in my current state, bound by gravity and flesh
Regardless
Of what I think of
Falling

February 11th, 2009

HH pt 2

I just bought Hawthorne Heights' 2nd CD used on Amazon and am listening to it courtesy of a torrent site...it's got a lot of energy and sonic intrigue mixed with the usual emotional fireballs. What's weird is I listen to IF ONLY YOU WERE LONELY and then go back to THE SILENCE IN BLACK & WHITE and find SIBW to be rather dumb sounding...like the singer/screamer are like totally not good at articulating their words; like "bluh bluh bluhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." is the first thing I hear from the album. I guess a good comparison would be when I hear a 5 year old try to act like an adult, or a 12 year old pretend to be someone they're not when they totally aren't good at it...stupid. Their 2nd CD has a more refined, solid sound. Their 1st one sounded really dusty, like...idk...if you don't get what I mean, then NVM...I don't even know why I'm writing all of this...
Basically, I'd say their 2nd CD does less to prove their haters wrong at the whole "boy band" nonsense; it's full of "slick", catchy anthems for the warped love-struck teens of the country...whereas their 1st CD has more of a rugged sound and the songs on it blend in with each other less...or maybe I'm just too sleepy right now to even know what I'm talking about...yaaawn...

Hawthorne Heights are not a boy band!

Hawthorne Heights; they write short catchy, emotionally charged, guitar based music with lots of screaming. Firstly, the only piece of that description that fits Backstreet Boys/N'Sync/New Kids On The Block/etc./... is the "short catchy" part. BSB and their brethren may have lyrics in their songs that go something like "love you forever" and "stay with you forever" and whatever, but they sing it with no feeling(s). Heck, even the "beauty" that can be found in their singing is totally mechanical. Hawthorne Heights may not be the T.S. Elliot of music lyrics, but why does that matter? If you want words that are well put together, read a book of poetry. Also, the boy bands of the world are notorious for not playing their own instruments. Not a big deal to ME, but it was/is to a lot of people I talked to back in the day...
Also, I must say that even though I'm not one of those clueless punks who thinks Black Rebel Motorcycle Club are the future of rock or whatever, I do think it's interesting to note the quality of HH's music has steadily decreased through the course of 3 albums. THE SILENCE IN BLACK & WHITE was a miniature masterpiece, while IF ONLY YOU WERE LONELY had a few genuinely good songs plus a bunch of filler, and FRAGILE FUTURE wasn't even as good as IOYWL, for reasons I can't quite put my finger on...I'll probably end up buying their 4th record, if they make one, but I'm not holding my breath with the hope of it being anywhere near as good as their debut.
Also, what is it with people saying "it's rare for a debut to be as good as X CD"??? For any band that's worth anything, their debut it usually their best CD!!!! Counting Crows, Bush, Gin Blossoms, Guns N' Roses, Tori Amos, Armor For Sleep, The Starting Line, Third Eye Blind, a ton of others...of course, there's bands like Aerosmith, Genesis, The Grateful Dead, The Beatles, etc., who took awhile to find their footing, but how can anyone say it's "rare" for a debut to be "this" good?