a tangled web of evil

My mother will always think her life is more valuable than mine.  She will always despise and snoot over me because of the "murder" I "commit" and the arrogance (bullshittedly referred to as "pride" as if I have a damn thing to be P R O U D ***OF*****) I embody and my overactive impatience, and, above all else, the fact that I 

treat her in accordance with and don't reward her for
her embodiment of those very same things.

When she commits theft and / or fraud, she wails in condemnation against NO ONE except the person who has enough backbone to TELL HER SHE'S WRONG.  She accuses me of "You just like to argue" and then condemns people for stating any opinion that she didn't pre - approve, even when the opinion she's arguing with is very similar to one she not long ago pre approved.

I know I don't deserve to be treated as if justice is a concept that matters to anyone.  Jesus endured THE MOST injustice and did not scold or condemn those who orchestrated and enacted it.  I don't see myself in that.  As an elder of the church once said, that should be a dead give away that Jesus does not know me and that I will be cast away from Him.  I have no desire to "seek Him in His word".  I have read The Bible.  I've read many section of if various qtys of times.  I don't LIKE reading.  "Well, then do it even when you don't want to"  WTF kind of bullshit?  Who does something that they DONT' WANT to do????  Is God a kind and understanding father or is he "provoke children" to negativity like He commands His underlings NOT TO??

oBVIOUSLY all this thick smoke I'm choking on is me repeating what i sow.  Beyond that, I don't feel as gung ho about committing to the notion that "I don't know Christ" as other people do.

How can it be?

It really saddens me that THE BIBLE gets lumped in with every other religious propagation and then make a career out of  their passion against it.  People like Dawkins and Sagan... I know The Bible cannot be scientifically proven to be accurate.  Much of The Bible is basically The One True (allegedly) God telling His people what He thinks they should do.  Some of it is examples of people who do what He thinks they should be doing.  There's a few pages of poetry giving hope of insight into the condition of a person who wants to live as The One True (alleged) God calls mankind to live.  There's very little, if anything, in The Bible that stands alone in its sufficiency.  The Bible, as we who are Christians read it, does not have a section of cliffnotes.  The closest thing to that is Paul's letter to the churches in Rome titled ROMANS.  God didn't lay it out like that from page 1 onward, because the JOURNEY, no matter which routes we take, we're going to encounter dead ends and breakdowns.  The Bible is meant to serve as a guide to that journey.  Some days you may pick up The Bible and turn to some random spot that seems out of context.  So first it helps to read the whole thing, and if you have sucky memory, you might need to read it several times back to back, but after you've read it once or twice, generally, the whole thing applies to itself.  You can read one passage that mostly talks about a situation that doesn't necessarily apply to you in your everyday life, but one or two sentences speak directly to your heart.
Buddhism and Hindu ism or whatever it's called, and even Islam, and many other religions all have some truth to impart to those who are learning how to live, but, to my knowledge, no religious text other than The Bible really addresses all facets of life.  Our relationships with each other, our preparation for life with God, even our relationship with animals and how we shouldn't hang too close to our feces (even though He didn't say why like "It's got germs on it!"), ya know, EVERYTHING! about HOW to live is included in The Bible.
I guess there's no point in saying much else.  I probably won't change anyone's mind........

"I can MAKE THAT 8!"

 (shaking dice)

SHA-WIIING!
Assuming I wake up and go about tomorrow without any drastic changes in ability, I will have spent apprx 8 hours this week volunteering.
THANK God for the work He's done.  WE ARE the hands and feet of The King.  Such a sweet privilege

the confusing layers

still  failing to FIGHT against sin.  I'm still finding myself not really wanting to.  I hope and continually ask God for a different reality.  Maybe I'm too quick to "change the subject" after doing so.  Maybe I have too much doubt.  Maybe I move on too quickly to some other activity and fail to soak in the GOODNESS of His willingness to help me.
Ug.  Well...to the best of my knowledge there is tomorrow..........where I'll be trying to serve God and PLEASE GOD, ACCEPT MY SERVICE AS UNTO YOU AND INFUSE ME WITH YOUR SPIRIT SO THAT I MAY BE A GOOD STEWARD OF THIS VESSEL YOU'VE BESTOWED UPON ME.

Commute

 Well....my second Biblical counselor, it seems, has washed his hands of me.

 

 

I ended up with two Biblical counselors because one guy in the church was getting ready to graduate from college and he needed test subjects, basically
So.. ya.  He told me I had to be committed and...I'm not.  So...the end.

I do need to be more intentional about Bible reading.  I intend to write out my thoughts on what I read.  I'm intending it to be daily. I don't feel in control of what I end up doing.  I'll just leave it there.  I don't feel like trying to convince anybody of what and who I am.

3 steps forward, 2 steps back....daz how IB rollE'n

 well.....I managed to keep from gazing into the depths of sin 2 days out of the 5 days of this week (so far).  I sunk Sunday afternoon, Monday night and again very early Wednesday morning.  Gosh.  Talk about making up for lost time :////

Alrighty.  God still has 1 point over Satan.  Not a very wide margin of victory, not the kind He deserves.  I should be more faithful to Him.  I hope.

bluetooth keyboard

 typing this trying out my bluetooth keyboard.

so far so good.  still can benefit from getting used to.

hopefully i'll be able and willing to type using this if I feel inclined to say something that I don't feel at ease enough typing with touchscreen.

It's MOVEMENT!!!! HE'S ON THE MOVE! YEA!

WARNING - kinda gross.  I'm not the emobidment of holiness I should be.  My mind goes waaaay off the straight and narrow path onto some pretty dark and sometimes just downright obscence places and sometimes for too long a time.

The good news is I went SIX DAYS without indulging into them "gratifying the desires of my flesh" (I'm using "flesh" in a literal sense here, not the ambiguous manner of speaking that you might be prone to interpret that in if you find out "Well, the Greek word used actually means...")

SIX 

I know, I know. Like "Seriously?  I haven't done that ____" in decades!!  You're just now at the SIX DAY mark?  Dude, you've been going to church for 10 years now and you're STILL  a pathetic sonofaflugga"

Ok, so I'm still growing.  LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTS of room for improvement.  

But compared to before I acknowledged God --- every day --- AT LEAST 7 days a week (usually)
After I came to recognize God, I think maybe it went down to 6 days a week max.
After I got more burdened to be more proactive against this sinfulness, it was like 4 times a week.

Since I've been getting counseling from a young man whose more mature in the faith than I can expect to be,
---- it's been down to like 3 x a week.  The previous week that ended slightly over a week ago (today is a Monday), it was down to TWICE(!)

I did succumb to the temptation yesterday.  THAT I am by no means proud of or exclaiming.  The fact is I went SIX DAYS without doing so.
My aim is to make it AT LEAST 9.  Hopefully I can stretch it to 10 or 11.  YO!

GOD IS ON THE MOVE!!!

"destroooooy!"

 

I personally don't think Michael Jackson's 1991 album DANGEROUS was worth a #1 spot on any music chart.  It was a good album.  It was perhaps even a GREAT album.  It did a good job at giving Mr. Jackson a singer/songwriter kind of outlet while at the same time being bombastic and flashy enough to be commercially viable while also being in line with the then-current musical trends, perhaps more so than it should've.  

However, it is LIGHT years ahead of the album that people look to as the PRIME - example of music consumers change in taste.  The album that "famously"/"infamously" knocked Michael Jackson's DANGEROUS off of the #1 spot on the Billboard album chart.

I can't say the changing musical tide was necessarily a bad thing.  Lots of good music was being successfully well marketed alongside Nirvana's 1991 breakthrough album NEVERMIND.  Sponge's 1994 album ROTTING PINATA, Soul Asylum's GRAVE DANCERS' UNION (1992), the first 4 albums by Counting Crows, and then of course the countless seminal emo albums, many of which gave me a small sense of belonging back in my final year of high school and the years i would've traditionally been in college, before I turned my attention to God, years later.

Most of the music I like probably would have existed in some fashion or another with or without Nirvana.  HOWEVER, with Nirvana, and more importantly, the FAME OF Nirvana, music that I probably would never have known existed became very difficult to ignore.  Green Day's 1995 album INSOMNIAC probably would have been a cassette only release available only in record shops nearby where the band is from, wherever that is (I may or may not look that up later).  Green Day took the plunge into major label recording because of Nirvana's example.  I mean, it's not like I would have been destitute had I not heard Sponge's "Plowed" or Live's 'All Over You", or Bush's "Swallowed", but then again; when I get to thinking about it --- I saw a movie, well, most of it, from 1986 titled RIVER'S EDGE.  It was about a bunch of misfit kids whose loyalties become divided when some of them start wrestling with their conscience, considering what course of action to take when one of their friends ends up killing his girlfriend.  Those kids LIVED OUT the destructive lifestyle that is common in bands like Nirvana and Green Day.  Not only did they do things that were harmful to their health, but their whole mentality was on the cusp of being sunk forever.  Some of them had already reached that point and the characters in that film ranged from 11 to 19 years in age (apprx).  I'm 37 and I have, statistically speaking if you just go by health data from recent history, another 50 years in my life.  My head is not forever sunk, at least too far to be recovered, I don't think.  Yes, I have some bad habits in my thinking patterns and my ideals are a bit warped, even though I have an opposing ideology to contend with which intellectually I find to be far superior, but I do have an ever present sense of optimism that has kept me on guard toward the possibilities and the promise of what life can be and should be.  I can't and often don't do anything to make justice in this world, but I do believe it is not impossible for people in the positions of power to do so and I truly am flabbergasted that they don't, but in the end it all comes down to habits.  One mild vice can be an encouragement for others to take that vice to an extreme yet uncharted.  I stand guilty.  My point is if i did not have an outlet to safely explore "the wild side", I don't think I would have been safe.  I think I would have been lonely and desperate to find a sense of "real"ness in the company of people such as those in RIVER'S EDGE.  It's also possible that I would have simply been disassociated from everything I know, more so than I am already as it is.  A lot of melodious pretty songs came out in the 1980s, but most of it was ultimately stuff that I don't resonate with personally.  I hear stuff like "Always Something There To Remind Me" by Naked Eyes or "Shattered Dreams" by Johnny Hates Jazz, and I don't connect with it emotionally.  It gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling, but songs from when I was in my late teens/early 20s, stuff like DREAM TO MAKE BELIEVE by Armor For Sleep and THE FORGOTTEN ARM by Aimee Mann (who has had a tough as nails time getting the recognition she should even with the alt rock tide of the 1990s), stuff that really struck a chord with me and actually caused a WHOOM to my psyche, rather than just a ringing of ear candy, probably would have been a lot harder to discover had it not been for the crescendo of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" that got the world talking about alternative rock.

Really? NOTHING??

 There's a number of Christian songs that have lyric(s) such as "This world has nothing for me"...I really wish people would quit presenting those as worship songs.  I know God is not in the wind or the waves, nor is He limited to the charactaeristics of gold, cows, or cow-shaped gold and we should do whatever it takes, individually, to avoid cherry picking God's characteristics when we worship Him.  To not do so, one is at risk of violating the 2nd commandment.  True, we should also help others with their spirit-centered endeavors, but to idealize a complete disregard for all that God has given us is almost as blasphemous as idolatry.  The food we eat, the clothes we wear, the music we knowingly hear, the people who warm our hearts, the epic tales we read about, it all is a gift from God.  Yes, they are all stained by sin.  If God justifies us, the ones who are responsible for this sin stain that effects everything in the world, why does anyone choose to reject what God has given TO US???  Yes, we need to keep in mind that this world is fading away and regardless of when that finally happens, we are not going to be here for a very long time at all.  Life seems long because of impatience.  If you look down the road past a point where you can't see and aren't focused on the view in between, you are at risk of colliding with oncoming traffic.  I honestly don't think there's anything fatal about being apathetic about God's Earthly creations.  Salvation awaits anyone who loves God, but I do find lyrics such as "This world has nothing for me" better suited for private listening.  There are verses in scripture that do make it seem like Jesus wanted us to forsake everything about the world except our neighbors and The Holy Spirit, but it can also be interpreted that Jesus wanted us to pay attention to Him.  People walked up to the Almighty Savior and started marveling TO HIM AT the beautiful buildings in Jerusalem.  Jesus wasn't arguing that the buildings were NOT beautiful.  He was making a contrast about the buildings and the person being spoken to about the buildings.  He could have been self exalting and said "Hey, doofus!  THIS IS THE SON OF GOD ALMIGHTY YOU'RE TALKING TO!  I'M ALWAYS GOING TO BE HERE!  THESE STONES AREN'T!"  He took a gentler approach, which I find admirable, even though I've been known to be more like Rush Limbaugh in the way I talk (thanks to my mom, I'm not arrogant enough to accept a weekly paycheck for doing so although I once was, thanks be to God that I no longer believe I would do something like that...except maybe if that were the ONLY other way to have any income.....but even then...idk....the heart IS exceedingly wicked and also deceptively so.  People often think better of their character than they have any business doing and I try to avoid making bold claims such as "Id never___"   )

Aaaanyway.
Kind of a small topic especially considering my absence.

...sry :/