NO, NOOO!

 https://www.blu-ray.com/movies/Nope-4K-Blu-ray/320287/

"Collector's Edition" --- as opposed to what????  It's the ONLY edition!!!!!!!!!! ??!

I resumed watching this movie a couple days ago.  Still have almost an hour left.  I started watching more of it today but then I had to go to the bathroom and I didn't feel like rushing back to the TV.  This movie is an interesting piece.  It's got some genuinely disturbing moments and an overall feeling of dread.  The only thing I don't like about this movie is it's got some subplot(?) about an episode of a TV show being filmed unsuccessfully, and I don't think the filmmaker necessarily needed to resort to making a piece of pop culture ABOUT pop culture.  Movies should be about things that naturally exist.  The heart of man does need an overlapping running commentary.

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Cool plastic on marble countertops telling me I'm not all that, not tall enough, couldn't ever be tall enough

To you, I'm never tall enough
To you, I'll never be tall enough

Red writing on wooden faded walls reading me a story that I can't quite hear, couldn't ever understand it

To them, I'm never smart enough

To you, I'll never be smart enough

Big sound on bigger recess stops telling me I'm not all good, not good enough, couldn't ever be loved enough

To you, I'll never be loved enough

To you, I'll never be loved enough

To me, I'll never be tall enough

To me, I'll never be smart enough

To me, I'll never be loved enough

To me, I'll never be loved enough

It's never enough

Doing better......kinda.. ish..

 I managed to keep my hands off myself through this weekend, a whole whopping TWO days!!  I stumbled and fell this afternoon a couple hours ago after my mind had been veering farther and farther into mucky thinking.

I started today off ok.  I caught up on Bible reading.  I'm on a get-through-The-Bible-in-a-year plan recommended by my counselor.  He recommended a specific one but it happens to be the same as another book that my mom gave me for my birthday a few years ago that I pretty much gave up on after a couple years of half heartedly trying to get through it, without success......  I started just plowing through it.  I realized as I was reading it that I should have prayed first.  I did that eventually, about midway through.  I should have been more thorough with it, tho.

I really hope this week isn't as bad as last.

Still anchored in schitt

 I started out ok.  Don't we allways?  I let the morning get away from me.  And then my mind started going places it shouldn't... and so forth.  I finished and went to bed.  I figured someone would be coming by to pick up something I'd posted for sale, so I kept an ear out for my phone to figure out if they were on their way.  After they arrived and picked up the stuff, I went to sleep and slept for over an hour.  Not a great qty of sleep but I was so ready for it.  As per my usual, I attempted to go to sleep before I gave way to temptation, and didn't succeed.  I really hope this coming week turns out better.

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

It's been

 a wild and turbulent week.  I sunk like the Titanic Tuesday afternoon.  Satanic desires started leaking from my fingertips and took over like a tsunami, avalanching as I went along.  I did a little better yesterday which isn't saying much.  And likewise today.  I don't know if I'll ever get out of this rut.  I don't have the discipline and general propensity for wise thinking necessary to do what I think I need to do.  Which is read The Word!!!  I read a chapter and I know I'm not done but I never find a "good enough" moment to continue reading.  I need to feel more urgency about this.  This is really disconcerting.

1/20 already?!

The church I've been attending for the last couple years is a truly grounded church.  It is anchored in Christ, and it is truly endeared toward His word.  This concept of "election" keeps being brought up, without ever being exposited, except to say "God does whatever He wants.  Who's to judge?"  By that logic, why would anyone ever feel a negative emotion about ANYTHING??  Everything happens by his will, so who cares if I get butchered into pieces and eaten and shat on while I'm still alive?  Why would I care?  It's God's will!  Not only would a Christian be not un-OK with it, they'd be PRAISING Him for it!  "You, God, who only bring about GOOD things, are accomplishing something miraculous in this situation!"  The ONLY good that could POSSIBLY come from that scenario is the understanding of the wrongdoer in this scenario is the victim's faith in God shines brighter and changes the mind and heart of the person who's doing wrong and they repent and continue believing in what they witnessed.  That's not a given.  That's not an un-given.  But it's not a given.  God tells us to turn the other cheek, so that, as Paul explains his epistles, people with evil intent may be put to shame, and even if they shamelessly continue pursuing evil, they will be without any conceivable excuse.  It won't be "well, you didn't exactly help the situation"  They may have that to say about other people, but Christ's children should not be in on that.  We should be compassionate in understanding that they are in danger if they continue acting evil.
But what is EVIL?  God has HIS definition.  But do we have ANY CONCEPT of what that word means?  Or do Christians just parrot what God says?  Surely, there's a part of us that knows at least some of the things that make up right and wrong.  The sexual immorality laws of The Bible are more foreign to natural man, they don't SEEM to make much sense, but the fact of the matter is that God will more likely than not withhold blessing from people that partake in it.  But every other facet of God's law is beyond fair.  Not "fair" because God says it's fair.  Fair because WE, mere mortals, recognize the goodness of it.  Had the Israelites kept God's law, as He says to the people who are entering the Promised Land, they would have attracted people throughout the world because they'd be like "Wow, these laws are so fair and just.  Who HAS laws like these?!"  They'd be joining the faith left and right.  It didn't work out that way, obviously because of Israel's repeated and exceeding rebelliousness toward God.  But the early Isrealites still understood the goodness that was in His word, even if they didn't feel the full weight of it.  People sang praises to Him repeatedly throughout the early books of the Old Testament.  Is that because God TOLD people He's good or is that because we are able to identify what IS *GOOD*?

So, no.  I don't believe God's goodness is outside of our ability to judge.

I emailed my pastor about this yesterday and got a response.  The response made sense, kind of...

The annoying thing about this is I tend to look for a way out of owning up to things.  If it's not my fault, I don't have any intention of being blamed for it.  I don't have any intention of paying for something that isn't mine.  Sure, I'll give to those in need, as long as I'm not depriving myself, but I'm not going to give someone the satisfaction of pinning their ill will on me.  So if I don't feel like pulling my hair westward toward Eden, I'm fine thinking "Well, God's in control.  I don't need to worry about it."  Except I'm not fine with that.  That's my tendency, but I always have a sneaking suspicion that I AM ABLE.  He IS ALSO ABLE, to what I should do, and to pay the price of my NOT doing what I should do, and far more than I can even imagine, but I AM ALSO ABLE to do A LOT.  True, I am not the creator of the world.  True, I don't know literally everything or even understand as much as I perhaps may like to, but THE CHRISTIAN LIFE is not about TRUSTING IN GOD.  The CHRISTIAN LIFE is about LIVING **FOR** GOD.  You trust in God when you FAIL TO live for Him, but inasmuch AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU, PURSUE GOOD WORKS AND CARRY THEM OUT DILIGENTLY.  I don't understand people who are constantly "not relying on good works".  Yes, your good works won't save you.  How the heck could they?  They DO, however, earn favor with God.  In Heaven, we're all equal, maybe, I'm not sure if that's stated in scripture, but on Earth there are indeed consequences for evil and neutrality.  I don't think those consequences are just "The natural order of things".  Those consequences reflect how God feels about you because of WHAT YOU'RE DOING.  I wish I could just preach this to myself, but one thing I'm maybe too good at is not deferring to my own thinking.  My feelings are indeed strong, but my thoughts are just more like "I'll take that into consideration"  Obviously it has to make sense in order for me to consider it.  I'm not going to "have faith" in something that literally makes no sense.

Sundown - movie

 https://www.amctheatres.com/movies/sundown-68205

This movie is absolutely pointless.  It begins with a close up view of a bunch of dying fish.  Maybe some people aren't bothered by that....  Amazon won't let me review it because they don't have proof that I watched it.  Some other obscure blog or movie website might also have this information.  The view lasts for several seconds out of context.  I don't mind an element of mystery in films but those first few seconds were literally nothing but mystery.  So many questions and so few answers.  You can assume that the answers will come if you want.  Movies are supposed to be entertaining.  Even if they're not feel good or fun, they should at least be on the same wavelength as the audience, communicating WITH the audience, not talking down to.  Continuing to watch this would be akin to battered wife syndrome.  But hey I guess such people do exist...

far away

 I finally read some of The Bible this morning, after a 4(?) day time of wandering and wafting.  I didn't wander away to any life threatening point, but I did plunge into sin momentarily a couple times, and I don't believe I was as effective in the work God has called me to the majority of this past week.  I certainly was not feeling at optimal efficiency.
Here's to the what remains of the week (God willing!)

Close one

 I saw this movie years ago.  Was extremely confusing.  By the time it was over, I had no idea what I'd watched.  There was all this tension and suspense and there was no climax.  I remember there being this big drawn out light show at the end, and I was like "Ok....moving along...."  And then it was over.  Like, huh?  I've read that E.T. was originally thought of as a sequel of sorts to CLOSE ENCOUNTERS, so I've gathered that the ending with the light show etc., was meant to signify that there was nothing to fear except fear itself.  Maybe I was just sort of locked into the cynicism that I'd grown accustomed to and the first 2/3 of the film fed into that.  Idk.  My tastes in movies have definitely changed.  I did try to rewatch it later, but the whole experience of the first couple minutes was a mess.  Dust and loud noise and people trying to talk over it.  Meanwhile, the audience is trying to piece together what the hell is going on(!)

King David's blood

 John MacArthur was citing all the sins of David, in an effort to show that God is merciful, and listed among them the fact that David had "slaughtered so many people that God wouldn't let him build the temple", which I don't see in The Bible.  God prohibited David from building the temple because God was trying to make Himself known as a God of peace, vs man who is constantly at war with himself and those around him and needed (and still needs) to figure out HOW to seek peace, and then go about doing so.
War is a necessity, but it is not the ideal.  God IS THE IDEAL.  He was wanting to reveal Himself to the world, not just Israel.  The world around Israel had heard about God, but by that point people were probably terrified of Him, thinking He was just some bloodthirsty hate monster.  God didn't want the vessel with which that fact came to be so closely associated with His house.  He wanted His house to be a much more inviting place, a place where people weren't so burdened and terrified to approach.

At least that's what I gather from the text.  I don't see any indication that David committed any war crimes.  God didn't send Nathan to scold him about any such thing.  He did send Nathan to scold him about killing one man, because he was killed for no reason except so that David could conceal his other sin(s).

JM also cites "polygamy" as another of David's sins...polygamy was not any more of a sin in Old Testament times than eating pork is today.  Jesus insisted that people should have only one wife, so that should be adhered to.  But God didn't make any command regarding qty and marriage and in fact, He made provisions with how to handle it.

I agree, we should not minimize sin or encourage others to do so.  But we don't need to label any and every possible thing as being "sin".  If God wanted David or any of the other Israelites to marry just one person, then God would have told them "Only have one wife" (or something to that effect).  God didn't do that.  Sin is not the same thing as God being displeased with someone's actions.  Sin is violating God's command.  The early chapters of Genesis do not give COMMAND regarding marriage.  It only says that Adam & Eve had sex and bore children.  People talk about "God's design", but in that case, what about computers?  I'm typing this thing on a computer that uses electricity.  That is NOT within God's design.  I seriously do not believe that Jesus came down from Heaven to sacrifice Himself for humanity so that I (& others) can be forgiven for lending approval to the paved roads that I and many fellow travelers use, to get around to different places.