Curled Up Deep Down In A Hole

Do you love yourself?  If not, you can't love another.
I do not love myself.
I do not know what love is.
How did I get so heartless?
No.
I have heart
It's just not standing up straight
It's curled up like a baby
The thought of unwinding it sickens me
It scares me

The sky is hovering above me, it goes unnoticed 99.9% of the time
There's a voice in it though, I hear it in me
It keeps waiting for the rain in my head to let up
It keeps wishing I were someone else
Someone less sick
Or is that just my own mind working against me?

food vs. music

FOOD
Pros:
It makes your brain able to appreciate music
It makes your heart function better
It makes you better able to appreciate God
Cons:
Too much can make you fat, f*** your brain and heart up, and in turn do the same to the rest of you and eventually kill you, or make you wish you were dead

MUSIC
Pros:
It makes one (such as me) feel more aware of their emotions/mental state
Cons:
Too much can make you think too much of mankind, and get you wrapped up in your own mind.

SUMMARY
I'm crazy, so it makes sense that I would not follow through with the logical conclusion (??)

Damn.

almost not noteworthy things that happened this past Friday

I took a dump FOUR times from 12PM-12AM.
I went to bed at 1:45am
I had the most awesome time listening to SLEEPLESS NIGHTS by Rediscover.
I had the most gawdawful time trying to install AVG AntiVirus Free 2013, and never did get it going...
I felt a strong yearning for a decked out Christmas house, with candles, sweaters, and hot chocolate that doesn't come in a plain Hershey's baking cocoa container.

Today I hope to listen to SLEEPLESS NIGHTS again, and yearn some more for a decked out Xmas house.

~JWC

Yeah...that'd be much too vulgar display of power...

My computer has been giving me a mountainous hard-time.  I've spent the last 2-3 hours trying to listen to U218 Singles by U2 on MySpace.  Actually, the last 40 minutes I've been feeding the cats, eating dinner and chit-chatting with my mother.  Meanwhile my MalWare scanner turned up nothing.  Grrg.

gaining on it...um....

The belt stabbing-accessory (whatever it's actually called) won't go through all the holes in my belt - unless I've lost weight since yesterday.  I haven't tested it today.  I had 2 1/3 servings of Oreo cookies PLUS a serving of pancake mix and my usual helping of sandwiches...total fat gram intake was probably about 30.  Carbs?  Probably about 200...maybe closer to 150...I walked to the library, took apprx 20 minutes...

I blew off brushing my teeth yesterday.  I did brush the day before yesterday.  The day before that I didn't.  The day before that I brushed twice...ughmm...

On the plus side I washed clothes yesterday.  I didn't finish my whites.  I had to start the washing machine on them twice, b/c I think I forgot to put soap/bleach in that load the first time around.  I started it again this morning a couple hours ago, should be done by now, I'll have to put them in the dryer whenever the heck I get around to it...although my Gramma should be coming over to clean the upstairs living space for my mom, since I'm good for nothing...

I revised what was five pages of a screenplay I've been working on sporadically for over a decade.  It's now four pages.  I need to add 86 more pages.  If I don't, submitting it to an agent would be almost pointless, and submitting to Richard Walter, a prestigious screenwriting professor at UCLA, which would be much easier, since I already have a vague idea of how to get in contact with him, would be even more pointless.  If I go the agent route, I'll have to figure out which agent to submit the screenplay to, and if I did that, it's possible they may read it regardless of length, and if it's not good enough, someone else can maybe flesh it out more.  But I'm not even sure that's possible.  This isn't a story based screenplay, it's more like a collection of dreams.  If it had a worthwhile story, I could write it as a book and at least get something done with it, since a book would make it easier to write.  A screenplay HAS to be clear, with minimal to no typos, and what I say has to be concise and clear in order for someone to take what's on the page and put it on film.  A book doesn't even have to have logical sentences.  You can take what may or may not be a coherent/logical sentence and stretch it out to three pages if it's good enough, like poetry or something.  You can go off on theological tangents that have nothing to do with "the plot" and yet it still ties in with it and so what if nobody cares?  It's a book, so it's a lot less expensive than a movie along these lines would be, and the market for that kind of stuff is big enough for the publisher and myself to make at least a bit of pocket change.  But I'm so ill-versed on books, I may very well be ripping off NAKED LUNCH and not even know it.  I've read like almost 30 pages of J.G. Ballard's CONCRETE ISLAND, not sure if I'll finish it, and I've been immensely enjoying the time I've spent with Elliot Perlman's SEVEN TYPES OF AMBIGUITY, but it's taking me half an eternity to finish it.  I might be done with it when I'm like 32 (I'm sorta-almost 29 as I write this).  I've been reading it for...a year?  At least...

I should quit going on about all this and write some more of it.  It's been awhile since I posted anything here though and this is a blog, not a quarterly magazine, so anything that goes on in my daily life should be posted here.  I always wonder with these quarterly magazines, such as the now-defunct and short lived WICKED - what are they doing???  You know why I never knew what they were doing that was taking so much time?  Because I didn't read their blog!!!

So here's my half-arred attempt to catch you all up to speed.  Not that anyone's reading this...or...?  Idk...every month I get almost 100 views, don't know if those are accidents or what...