Tuesday, December 20, 2022

Sundown - movie

 https://www.amctheatres.com/movies/sundown-68205


This movie is absolutely pointless.  It begins with a close up view of a bunch of dying fish.  Maybe some people aren't bothered by that....  Amazon won't let me review it because they don't have proof that I watched it.  Some other obscure blog or movie website might also have this information.  The view lasts for several seconds out of context.  I don't mind an element of mystery in films but those first few seconds were literally nothing but mystery.  So many questions and so few answers.  You can assume that the answers will come if you want.  Movies are supposed to be entertaining.  Even if they're not feel good or fun, they should at least be on the same wavelength as the audience, communicating WITH the audience, not talking down to.  Continuing to watch this would be akin to battered wife syndrome.  But hey I guess such people do exist...

far away

 I finally read some of The Bible this morning, after a 4(?) day time of wandering and wafting.  I didn't wander away to any life threatening point, but I did plunge into sin momentarily a couple times, and I don't believe I was as effective in the work God has called me to the majority of this past week.  I certainly was not feeling at optimal efficiency.
Here's to the what remains of the week (God willing!)


Close one

 I saw this movie years ago.  Was extremely confusing.  By the time it was over, I had no idea what I'd watched.  There was all this tension and suspense and there was no climax.  I remember there being this big drawn out light show at the end, and I was like "Ok....moving along...."  And then it was over.  Like, huh?  I've read that E.T. was originally thought of as a sequel of sorts to CLOSE ENCOUNTERS, so I've gathered that the ending with the light show etc., was meant to signify that there was nothing to fear except fear itself.  Maybe I was just sort of locked into the cynicism that I'd grown accustomed to and the first 2/3 of the film fed into that.  Idk.  My tastes in movies have definitely changed.  I did try to rewatch it later, but the whole experience of the first couple minutes was a mess.  Dust and loud noise and people trying to talk over it.  Meanwhile, the audience is trying to piece together what the hell is going on(!)



Tuesday, December 13, 2022

King David's blood

 John MacArthur was citing all the sins of David, in an effort to show that God is merciful, and listed among them the fact that David had "slaughtered so many people that God wouldn't let him build the temple", which I don't see in The Bible.  God prohibited David from building the temple because God was trying to make Himself known as a God of peace, vs man who is constantly at war with himself and those around him and needed (and still needs) to figure out HOW to seek peace, and then go about doing so.
War is a necessity, but it is not the ideal.  God IS THE IDEAL.  He was wanting to reveal Himself to the world, not just Israel.  The world around Israel had heard about God, but by that point people were probably terrified of Him, thinking He was just some bloodthirsty hate monster.  God didn't want the vessel with which that fact came to be so closely associated with His house.  He wanted His house to be a much more inviting place, a place where people weren't so burdened and terrified to approach.

At least that's what I gather from the text.  I don't see any indication that David committed any war crimes.  God didn't send Nathan to scold him about any such thing.  He did send Nathan to scold him about killing one man, because he was killed for no reason except so that David could conceal his other sin(s).

JM also cites "polygamy" as another of David's sins...polygamy was not any more of a sin in Old Testament times than eating pork is today.  Jesus insisted that people should have only one wife, so that should be adhered to.  But God didn't make any command regarding qty and marriage and in fact, He made provisions with how to handle it.

I agree, we should not minimize sin or encourage others to do so.  But we don't need to label any and every possible thing as being "sin".  If God wanted David or any of the other Israelites to marry just one person, then God would have told them "Only have one wife" (or something to that effect).  God didn't do that.  Sin is not the same thing as God being displeased with someone's actions.  Sin is violating God's command.  The early chapters of Genesis do not give COMMAND regarding marriage.  It only says that Adam & Eve had sex and bore children.  People talk about "God's design", but in that case, what about computers?  I'm typing this thing on a computer that uses electricity.  That is NOT within God's design.  I seriously do not believe that Jesus came down from Heaven to sacrifice Himself for humanity so that I (& others) can be forgiven for lending approval to the paved roads that I and many fellow travelers use, to get around to different places.  


Sunday, December 11, 2022

Rrrrr tugowerrrrr

 I had been reading kindof a small amount of The Bible lately basically just one chapter per day. This morning I'd read 2.5 chapters.  And went to church.  Several hours later I find myself scouring the internet seeking to feed the same old demonic habits.  It makes sense in hindsight.  I really should have been expecting this and been preparing likewise.  The devil HATES it when people read The Bible and even more so when people go to church.  God doesn't force Himself but the devil does.  And it's ridiculously easy for him to temp me.  I don't really even need for him to force himself.  Satanic desire remains rampant through me.  The goal of sanctification is to pry me away from Satan and meld me more and more unto Jesus The Christ.  I need to get this down🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏!!!

Saturday, December 10, 2022

Emo stuffz

 I'd remembered reading about a band fka December's Tragic Drive, and for some reason the piece of musical composition that band name was derived from replete with discernable words just runs through my head when I think of pre-emo (not sure what else to call it...ya know, the emo that existed before it became a commonly used word).  I just now was thinking "What was that band?!". So... I looked it up.  Viola!-- 'twas The Appleseed Cast, makers of the album SAGARMATHA.  I haven't really latched onto their other stuff even though they exceeded that album seemingly at least twice, based on what I've read.  I'm not a big fan of SAGARMATHA either.... it's a good album to listen to while trying to fall asleep.  I don't have an easy time being wide awake and listening to it.  It's very repetitive and a tad minimalist.  But it does have a good build up effect.  Eh.. anyway...not much else to say...kindofa footnoty blog post. 


On the eternal side, I almost succumbed to temptation last night.. I was dreaming about something and woke up worked up over it.  I got out of bed to go to the bathroom and that's what saved me from plunging all the way with it.  So...I did manage to go over 48 hours successfully... almost 60 hours, I think (2.5 days).

Actually, I just remembered....that is not true ...I did venture into and latched onto that line of thinking Thursday night for about half an hour...I didn't look at anything real serious...but my mind was not where it should have been...I was watching a movie I'd rented and was a little bored with it save for the possibility that was insinuated throughout the movie of some hot action being exhibited...   I should have just turned my back on the movie tho.  If I had been truly engaged with the movie, I would probably still be guilty of having my mind in the gutter but at least I wouldn't be completely and inexplicably wasting my time.

Thursday, December 8, 2022

Art

 I was thinking about dinosaurs and how my brother in law thinks they were what mideivil literature refers to as dragons.  That might explain some of the bones that people call 'dinosaurs', but I recalled how scientists have calculated that the different species of dinosaur were not inhabiting the Earth at the same time.  It's obviously possible that scientists are expecting to find bones regardless of erosion and decomposition.  Personally I believe that's what happened to the bones of Adam & Eve; they took by now are just dust.

But I was thinking about What would it be like having a blank canvas and so many possibilities?  Wouldn't it be rather boring just getting straight to the point and laying everything out in 7 measily days?  Is it really far fetched to think He experimented with different things before getting to the final draft as it were?  

better ness

 So far today I've been doing better.  (see yesterday's post to see how things were then, for at least part of the day).
I've been doing more prayer, which has helped.  I did read a little bit of JOHN (Gospel), ch3.  I didn't leave myself a whole lot of time to really delve deep into it.  I had an appointment to volunteer at the coop.  My wheels arrived a little after 9:30, and I got out of bed at 8:30.  After piddling around on my phone, I had just enough time to eat breakfast.
I hope (PLEASE GOD!), that I maintain at least a semblance of closeness to Christ.  I can't do this myself.  And I'm not going to feel better or be more fruitful if I just don't do this at all.

Wednesday, December 7, 2022

increasiment

 I increased my The Holy Bible reading this morning.  I read a whopping 3 chapters of John's gospel as opposed to the one chapter I'd been reading lately.  I wasn't expecting that to result in a more difficult fight.  The sinful inclinations dwelling within me rose up and I was, as usual, unwilling to put up a fight.  :/

I need to double down on this and keep doing so.
One thing that got me a little deterred was the notes saying that if you don't obey God you're not a Christian, or something to that effect.  I have no idea how to interpret that snippet of theology / fact other than if you disobey God, you're not a Christian.  I mean, seriously...what does Jesus command me to do?  The ten basic commandments are not DOS.  They are DONTS.  The only "do" in there is to honor your parents.  I guess? I've been doing a better job at that...for the longest time I don't believe I was, and I can't seem to to convince anyone that I am not the scum of the earth for "abusing" my mom from the beginning of my conscious existence until whenever.  I have not forgiven everyone, although I think (?) I've been successful at not demanding anything from anyone, although saying that just now reminded of 1-2 hour long chain-yanking that my brother in law enticed me into, so I got distracted and sent him an email.  OK, so that half-baked success is now no-baked.  So I'm a sexual monster, a disrespectful punk AND I'm a murder.  So HOW CAN I BE SURE I'M A CHRISTIAN?  God's promises were not directed to me.  God "loved Jacob and hated Esau"  That point gets brought up almost every Sunday at my church.  I maybe just need to stop attending that church, idk.  The names in the Book Of Life have not been revealed.  No supernatural power has spoken distinctly saying "Your name is in the book of life" or "You ARE a child of God"  So what basis do I have to think I'm saved?


We talked about this yesterday, me and my counselor.  He seems convinced I'm a Christian because I've read The Bible and am not refusing to believe what The Bible says very clearly.  Obviously, there is a class of human who takes the truth and pretends it's different than what it is so they don't feel as guilty or whatever.  That's not spiritual blindness.  That's dishonesty.  If there's one Christian virtue I'm good on, it's honesty.  That's not because I have The Holy Spirit.  I have always been honest.  I guess I'm more honest than I used to be, but I'm still not going to give Bible tracts to my roommates and get kicked out of my dwelling space b/c of or stand up in church and say "Forgive me bretheren, I have masturbated this past week"  I don't even forsee confessing my sin via text message, although I have given my counselor a link to this blogpost, so maybe this suffices...except that's not really a confession, so :OK, I MASTURBATED THIS MORNING (AYGGG)

I don't know what I'm even talking about yakyakyak..............



Tuesday, November 29, 2022

Sliver

 https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splinter

The definition of sliver, according to the dictionary, does include that which makes up a splinter.  A small fragment of wood is not a splinter.  A splinter is a very light piercing of the skin from a sliver.  I have lots of slivers, I'd presume anyway, since I don't clean my living quarters very often.  I have had far less splinters.

I find it hard to believe that anyone not stuck 75 miles out in the middle of the woods with no access to TV or radio doesn't have a familiarity with the word "splinter".  Up until recently I was completely unaware that a splinter was sometimes known as a sliver.  If my disbelief is unwarranted, I'd like to know.  Unfortunately it seems I'm mainly just talking to myself here.

Thursday, November 24, 2022

Ureika

 I almost sent this to my pastor.  I got to the end and realized there's a perfectly sound solution to this matter that doesn't involve wasting his time.

"I was trying to read Isaiah ch30 earlier today.  First 5 verses, he's talking directly to the Israelites.  The header for vs 6 says "oracle against beasts in Negev". Is that part of the original text?  If so, that would make sense, given the overall heaviness of obscure symbolism in this section of Isaiah.  I started this week sometime reading ch26.  [X] was saying he had just finished reading ch28 so I figured I'd start somewhere in that general area.  I don't remember the exact context of Isaiah but I do remember it was largely God rebuking the people for various wrongs they'd carried out.  Chapters 26-29 weren't any exception(s).. I'm guessing vs6 and 7 is God speaking to Isaiah about the Israelites... The header gets me expecting to read exactly that; an oracle against the beasts.  So far it seems like I'm reading about the proverbial beasts...it says "they" travel to Egypt (with a bunch of words in between) ... I guess I should just survey all the  disparate pieces and then run through it again and piece them together... seems like an odd way to read but then again that royalty guy probably felt likewise about being told to take a bath to be healed of his leprosy..."


I'll update this blog once I finish executing my attempt at the above strategy.

UPDATE: I finished reading it...I think I was having difficulty with it because I was trying to read it out loud and the inclusion and placement of various words seemed to me to very dense and I couldn't read what I was seeing on the page out loud with any kind of expression because so much of it is not obvious as to what it's saying.  The only thing I get out of the passage is that God is seriously pi**ed off and wants people to stop whatever it is they are doing wrong.  There's a passage that sounds like it might be referring to the coming of the Holy Spirit and then there's passages that talk about the future which I can only imagine are written for the benefit of future generations and have no intention of comforting anyone who would have been reading them at the time...or maybe I'm wrong about that... maybe some of the not *as* guilty folks who'd gone to Hell pre-Jesus got a 2nd chance to enter Heaven or maybe they were let in graciously...idk.  He says things throughout like "I won't be burn against you forever" which to me sounds like possibly what I just described or at least something similar to it.  I guess maybe He means the collective "you", like collectively everyone who will ever read this text...but the sentence doesn't indicate that.  Not every person who has read The Bible is an Israelite.  And the people who live today and in previous centuries are not the same people who read these prophecies.  So it's really confusing.  The only thing I can think of is the questions I'm asking aren't really relevant.  God does not promise to save the world.  He does promise to offer salvation to it, and it's a given that some people won't get it.  I don't think it makes sense to think God preemptively rejects people on the basis of hatred, which seems to be how many people preach on Romans ch9.  God even tells His people in Matthew 18:18: It's up to Christians to hold the door to the Kingdom open.  If we just give someone an invitation to church and let them be, not talking to them, not encouraging them and challenging them, it is their responsibility to take the invitation but the only thing that might keep them from going is sins that they committed and kept adding to and were encouraged to hide or defend.  God's people are not required to protect every person from falling into sinful patterns of deed and thought.  God's people would be much more numerous if more people were as concerned about the future of humanity as they really should be.  It is beyond tiring though and I believe God understands that but I don't think he's necessarily *happy* about it.  He does confirm it however and accepts the outcome.  That would have been a lot for Paul to include in Romans ch9 and I don't think people would have read and responded to it in a way that God would be glorified in.  God doesn't want a kingdom of Marthas rushing to get everything done and stressing out over everything. He certainly doesn't want an ongoing debate about "Who'se more loving than who?".  Or people despairing over their role in humanity s destruction.  Plenty of people deny God based on a linear meat and potatoes interpretation of Romans 9.

Wednesday, November 23, 2022

Clutter

I was reading Isaiah ch28 this morning and was confused...  I noticed while trying to research the point of reference regarding an obscure piece of symbolism that the word "as" was included in the text.  He wasn't going to rise AT the mountain, He was going to rise AS AT the mountain.  The word "as" in italics.  The explanation for cluttering up a sentence with squiggs didn't make a bit of sense.  And the concept is rather irrelevant unless you're some serious Bible student, which would require hours of history lessons and possibly multiple seminaries. Most if not all words in The Bible were not found in the English text. My ol pastor was telling me (in more neutral terms) that when The Bible says "loving kindness", it's actually watering down the original Hebrew word because there is no English word that succinctly encompasses it.  Maybe I don't particularly remember lk being italicized because it's such a distinct word you can't confuse it as being a verse number or something.

Someone was making a Bible concordance and felt the need to insert verse numbers a few hundred years ago. I think verse numbers are a lazy person's guide to Bible reading.  You can get some seriously flawed understanding if you hear some person saying "Well.. The Bible says this". Ya?  What verse?  Ooh..I guess it does say that.  I've actually been advised to be aware of context when I'm reading The Bible apparently because I'm one of those weirdos who understands when Paul says "Hello, Philippians" that the book of Philippians is a letter that he wrote to the Phillipian believers.  I have never found it useful or even entertaining to just read some selection of verses from The Bible.  It's one thing when you're buying and looking at home decor but I don't consider that to be Bible reading.  It is good opportunity to meditate on it assuming you're familiar with the context.  Matthew 7:1 is not something to meditate on unless you understand it in context.  And people constantly take it out of context.  And in all truthfulness, it probably is safer to just not judge.  If you look strictly at Matt7:1, you're setting yourself up for Hell if you have any negative opinions about someone else's actions.  From what I've read, God did accept Jeffrey Dahmer into His kingdom but that doesn't mean whoever was in charge of whatever jurisdiction of The USA he was tried and convicted in was committing a sin.  People say "We all have the capacity..." And true, many of us, if not all of us, probably would be mass murderers if it were not looked down on by parents and punishable by most jurisdictions in the US.  Jeffrey Dahmer wasn't raised in some pagan culture.  His evil actions were a threat to anyone who crossed paths with him.  My own perverted tendencies of thought offend God and have maybe an indirect negative impact on other people and although my sins against God are probably not a significant stretch from Jeffrey Dahmer's, I find it difficult to believe that is true with most professing Christians or even ordinary working folk.  The important thing is not to delude yourself into thinking you're the most evil person that's ever lived.  The important thing is to realize your sin, whatever it is or how justified you feel in it, is an offense to God and should be dying if not altogether dead.
Anyway...got a little off topic sorta...

Tuesday, November 15, 2022

ppphh

 Still inhaling my vomit.  What else is new?

I was supposed to spend half the day in Athens today.  I thought I'd be asleep by now.  I've been awake since 1am after falling alseep at apprx 10pm.  I called the people who were expecting to meet with me and drive me over there and told them I'm not feeling up to it.  I might end up falling asleep shortly.  They're probably in the middle of enjoying being over there.  idk.  

Last night I was at soup night for a little over 2 hrs.  Probably more like 2.5.  My ride lives right down the street from me, so I went with her to take care of something she'd volunteered to do that evening before going home.

Tomorrow...is Wednesay?  I don't have anything planned that day.
I got groceries on Sunday.  So I'm well stocked on food yet again.  I have plenty of milk and...*probably* enough creamer...it's going by kinda fast, it seems to me like...maybe I'm just oversensing the lack of content in the container...like "it's already 1/5 of the way empty!  Noooo..."  (rolls eyes).  I might be able to get more creamer from Walmart to be delivered.  Some food items I can get delivered for free.  I don't know if it's because of my EBT rcving or they just offer that in general...it's not all food items, just an odd assortment of various things...I kinda doubt I can get liquid creamer delivered...I *could* be wrong..I'll have to check when I get done yacking about myself here....

Um..

Idk.  I spent a long weekend with my sister & co.  a couple weeks ago.  That was awesome.  I got over there midday Friday and was there until my usual time, got home about 3 or 4pm, somewhere around that point...I was also supposed to meet with folk at the church on Sunday but I just figured "count me out" because I had no idea how long it'd take to get everything done on Sunday afternoon after church ie: groceries.  I thought I'd be done later than I was the week before...maybe I was and I just misread the time or misremembered what I'd saw on the clock when I was thinking about it...idk.  It seems like I could have tentatively gone over there and had a ride from my sister, but I didn't think of that until she mentioned it.  I don't get why.  The only thing I can think of is I just didn't want to go, when all comes around.  I do realize it's nourishing to the soul to be around Godly men and discuss God's revelations with others, but...idk.  I guess I wanted to be able to come home and enjoy some of the food that I'd bought.  "Their God is their stomach.  Their glory is their shame."  I really have to just hope that doesn't characterize me.


Sunday, November 13, 2022

tyran

Failure 1) I didn't read The Bible Saturday

Failure 2) I didn't take my antipsychotics Saturday night

Failure 3) I didn't read The Bible Sunday monring.

AYG!  So I've struck out again, falling into the usual web of temptation....

I'm probably not as miserable as I should be.  

 

Monday, October 24, 2022

Some

 (EEEH)  I was doing better Saturday and Sunday at not diving headifrst into sin(!) but the chain of amazing-ness (rolls eyes) was broken this afternoon  :/  (!!!)  I hope I can chisel another couple "good" days into my week....maybe even (!GASP) THREE good ("good") days......... (and the crowd goes woah!!-----😮)
I spent the first 3/4 of church just very much feeling a wave of pushback.  I could relate to the ideas in the guest preacher's sermon.  I can tell he has somewhat of the same struggles I have to love and serve God, albeit not with the same degree of severity.  I had just enough hope after his relating to sing the closing hymn.  I felt like a vibrating stone until I got about halfway through the sermon and something slightly akin to hope & peace started piercing through the darkness of my mind.

I got a new credit card in the mail today.  It was only a $350 credit line ($301 available credit to begin with because of the annual fee).  I still have $100 of that remaining but I don't think that's going to last.  I'm not even sure if it's up to date really.  I'll have to tally everything up.  It wouldn't too terribly surprise me if I only *should* have $75 available credit.  On the plus column, it wasn't like I spent $200 on futile rounds of self-discovery or whatever..........Probably more like $125...

I was thinking about what are THE BEST movies.  I don't like to count movies such as THE EXORCIST that are, to an extent, telling a story about some other movie that doesn't even exist.  The main character, as you might recall, was an actress and there was an entire scene that consisted of some imaginery filmmaker filming an imaingary movie.  If everything that mankind has ever known collapses and we have to rebuilt from scratch, and stumble upon an old crusty print of THE EXORCIST, how the heck are we going to have any context?  That is not TIMELESS cinema.  That is very much OF the times cinema.  THE BEST movies can be appreciated by everybody, regardless of their level of education or quantity of experience.  I think THE EXORCIST achieves that despite its' meta qualities, but I don't think it's THE BEST movie.  Probably could very well fit somewhere on the top 50, but I wouldn't put it in the top 10, I don't think....

1)  BRINGING OUT THE DEAD (1999)  Aside from GHOSTBUSTERS (the most "me" film ever), this is probably my absolute favorite movie.  It's very slow, it seems twice as long as it is, but none of it was boring.  It has a very ghostly feel to it, very sad and eerie.  A beautiful looking film, richly layered cinematography.  I don't expect most people will feel of it the way that I do.  I don't know why I find it so appealing.  Supposedly a lot of people who've been paramedics can relate to it better than others, but I have never even considered being a paramedic.
2)  REQUIEM FOR A DREAM (2000) Definitely not boring.  Maybe lacking a couple degrees of realism, somewhat cartoonish, maybe, but the same could be said of many films over the decades.
3)  12 ANGRY MEN (1957) I actually saw the remake by William Friedkin first, not knowing anything about it.  The premise is of a character who takes his duty as juror seriously and skillfully convinces his co-jurors, who exhibit varying degrees of apathy, to re-consider their knee-jerk guilty verdict.
4)  CARRIE (1976) I wanted to like the remake better, given how timeless the story is, and how it doesn't really hurt anything to re-posit the story in a modern day setting.  However, the cell phones are about the only indication of this "modern" retelling.  What I found most at odds was they tried to tell a fairly simple straightforward story differently than it had already been told.  It's a more realistic film in some ways, but it still retains the cartoonish portrayal of Margaret White, tho she's not AS cartoonish as Piper Laurie's portrayal was.  The writers seem to be at least guessing as to what might have motivated the main character to latch onto whatever superstitious sect of Christianity she had with such fervency.  It also ups the ante on the cartoonish portrayal of the "evil" teenagers.  The original was cartoonish, with all the characters, not just the villains.  As much as today's kids might require a more up to date wardrobe and tech presence, it's one unified piece of storytelling.  Nothing is out of place.
5)  SCANNERS (1980) This film is AMAZING. It's fairly standard to begin with, but the climax is...I mean, it's just....wow.  It's a visually stunning spectacle.  It's not like all random artsy rainbows abound or anything like that.  It doesn't break into a painting or something, it's just....idk.  You might be underwhelmed now that I'm talking it up so much.  Just take it from the beginning and see.  Maybe you'll totally disagree.
6)  MYSTERIOUS SKIN (2004)  It's just one of those transcendent film experiences that you'll have to experience yourself.  You might not agree, but I honestly don't know how else to explain it.
7)  GROUNDHOG DAY (1993) Hilarious as all get out, and provides plenty to chew on mentally.
8)  THE SPECTACULAR NOW (2011) It kind of reminds of Mysterious Skin in its raw emotional power.  I don't really know what to say beyond that.  Not *quite* as good, but definitely up there in the ranks.

I might update this list at some point.  There's plenty of other good movies out there.  I really should not still be awake.  I've been up since 5am.  It's now almost 9pm.

Friday, October 21, 2022

!!? XXVIII

 Still struggling to be "the elect", if that makes a damn bit of sense...

I found some helpful notes in John MacArthur annotations of The Bible.  I kept reading Luke 5:39 and void of understanding.  I don't know why that's included in The Bible.  I can only assume it's information that should inform evangelist methods.  Basically saying that people need to be GIVEN God's word regardless of whether or not they ask for it.  Because they're not going to seek it out, being in the middle of drinking the wine they already have.  While I was looking that up I found some elaborations on what Jesus states about the Sabbath.  Which probably shouldn't be necessary but I'm so dull hearted it nonetheless helped.

Most of the notes are typified by his note in Matthew 12:6.  "This was a straightforward claim of deity". So straightforward in fact that it needed to be expounded upon!


12:38 "They were expecting a sign of astronomical proportions". What does that even mean?  If the text needs expounding upon, then this also does.  Of course there's notes on other verses that deal with the matter, that he refers the reader to...  

It's good to have this nonetheless.  It's easier to look up this stuff in one place than to figure out what search terms to enter at the internet.  It just seems like he could have pared this down a little by not assuming that everything in scripture needs his expertise to be understood.

Sunday, October 2, 2022

Doubts

 I stand before You wholly guilty and condemned.  You are GOOD even if I perish.  My future could be cut off from any and all semblance of pleasure and for no other reason except that You are GOOD and I am not.  I don't agree with this but I acknowledge that my opinion is of negative value, regardless of what it is.  The thoughts of a mere mortal are a continually and rapidly depreciating embankment.  I feel the same is true with me.  I have not been inclined against sin.  My desire for your happiness is negligible.  My humility is slightly less so.  For you have loved my sister and hated me.  It doesn't matter why.  Or how much or little I ask.  I can only hope that if I keep asking I'll receive at least something other than eternal and optimum suffering.  I don't reap any kind of heavenly crown.  I feel like a fraud just thinking about being given one.  

Friday, September 16, 2022

"We'll be with you shortly"

 This is absolutely stupid, the way businesses operate like this.  I can't just send an email and get a response.  I have to go through this stupid portal, SEND them a message, and VOOSH!, any evidence that I even said anything disappears.  The only evidence that I said anything is this generic email that says "We'll be in touch"  And then a week later, or 3 days, whatever, in all reality, it is entirely possible another concern could arise, I send an email about that, and same thing happens.  How do these vapideese fkkkkkkkk!s think I'm supposed to know WHAT they're TALKING ABOUT????  Especially when they send some dumb response that is often -- not always -- characteristic of customer service representatives.  I ask "What would happen if I cancelled an order?" and they for all I know could respond "We're sorry.  In order to mark this transaction as fraud, you'll need to contact your credit card issuer"  And it's entirely possible that they might be responding to another email I could have maybe sent in the same 5 day window that says something like "You're marquee is mispelled. You might have difficulty generating traffic that way"  I don't know how either of those would illicit a response on the topic of fraud, but I don't understand a lot of the responses I receive from CS reps.  It's actually gotten better over the past couple years, but I'm still leery of all the piles of bs my memory has fluttering about, most of it receded kinda far back...

Wednesday, September 14, 2022

Here ye here ye Ghostbusters!

 https://www.radiotimes.com/movies/ghostbusters-afterlife-reaction-harold-ramis-ghost/amp/


I totally agree with this guy.  It boggles my mind that so many audience members are absolutely positive about Ghostbusters Afterlife.  I don't think either of the recent (er) Ghostbusters movies are really worth the money spent on them.  They're ok.  Movies that are "just ok" have a budget of maybe $5 million.  Not $75++ million.  So much could have been done with all these half baked movies that never even turn a profit.  I was reading about a week ago that Jackson Mississippi really needs its' plumbing overhauled.  But that doesn't really matter to anyone except people living in Jackson Mississippi.  Because people's compassion is replaced by devoting their lives to making top dollar.  Idk.  Maybe I'm wrong on all of this...I certainly don't have any business judging anyone either way on the matter.

I don't think there really is a good way to continue the Ghostbusters franchise.  If there is I'm not qualified to make any suggestions.  One idea is Dan Aykroyds original spec script getting its' day in cinemas.  But that'd have to be done by someone who has some brain activity in his (or her...) head, and an appreciation for aesthetic.  Seriously -- just about every still frame of GHOSTBUSTERS (1984) looks like a richly nuanced and expressive painting.  There was a calander for 2014(?),I think..., that got mass produced and if you look at all the pictures on the back of it you (might?) see my point.  (I see that same brilliance in Steven Spielberg's E.T., just btw.)




Saturday, September 10, 2022

Fridays yesterday and on.

 I'm no longer going to coop Fridays.  My ride decided it's not worth her time or energy.  I do feel like I should have received some kind of warning.  I guess it's quite possible she may have warned me in a very indirect manner....and I honestly can't think of a Bible verse that supports my thoughts on the matter, so whatever.  I feel like God has pulled me from that work because I've been far too selfish and indecisive in taking action against it.  So, I'm just trying to wrap my mind around how to move forward, which is confusing and frustrating as anyone with any understanding of psychology (human emotions, thoughts and behavior) can probably figure...


The F worded things

I guess I should admire them for committing to Heavenly things.  It seems like it'd be easier if they were willing to provide some help washing the violent onslaughts of mud off my face instead of condemning me for feeling the violence.

Tuesday, August 30, 2022

It's an education

 https://www.gamesradar.com/ridley-scott-last-duel-box-office-millenials-cell-phones/

I, for one, didn't enter THE LAST DUEL for the purpose of learning anything.  I was expecting it to be interesting, and it...**kinda** was.......not really tho.  It was more irritating than anything else.  The blonde guy was clueless and paranoid, either that or downright irresponsible or both.  If there'd been more to the story than that, it'd be one thing but there didn't seem to be.
*sigh*

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

Uyg

 Apparently it's a respectable position that The Spirit of God, God's Spirit, etc. is the same thing as "The Holy Spirit".  What does King David mean when he says "I am grieved in my spirit"?  Is David talking about "The Unholy Spirit"?  Of course God has a spirit.  People have even proclaimed (like anyone really knows) that God is NOTHING BUT a spirit.  "The Holy Spirit" refers to the indwelling of God in mankind.  God, being a spiritual entity, and being Holy, of course, could be another way of saying The Holy Spirit.  So of course The Holy Spirit is God.  What else would The Holy Spirit be?  There's a little bit of distinction between God the father and God the son.  God the son is a different person who has the same will, same intent, same purposes as God the father.  He is different from God the father but not in any way that would make Him less worthy of worship and obedience.  However, the differentiating qualities of The Holy Spirit are not explained in nearly as much detail.  As far as I can tell there is no difference.  The only difference is the measure in which we each receive The Holy Spirit.  I don't think ANY one of us have the capacity in our bodies or minds to fully receive God the father.  His character and general attributes, both known and unknown to present day Earthlings, are too massive to fit inside of an individual human vessel.  The emphasis in scripture with The Holy Spirit is that He guides us and strengthens us to do what is required of us.  God the father is so much more than that.  Or...I guess there's a chance I'm mistaken about that.  People have said that in Heaven we'll never stop learning about God because there's just that much to learn.  If that is in fact true, The Holy Spirit is not the full sum of God. 

Thursday, August 4, 2022

still lazy...after all this time (!!)

 Been giving in way too easily to sinful urges still.....(sigh).  Nothing's changed on that front......no excuses, obviously......

I need to be more pro active in general.  I did pathetic in terms of physical activity yesterday and the day before.  Today I went to the food bank to volunteer and burned over 100 calories (just from cardio/walking.  I don't know what I got in from lifting stuff; I use a GPS based step counter, I don't have a fitbit or any such thing).  And for lunch I had a bunch of donuts.  They were mostly cake donuts with no frosting, although I could tell they had sugar (or some kind of quality sweetener) baked into them.  Not a great quality meal in any case...I did have a proten shake afterward to hopefully tip the scales at least closer to in-my-favor...

One positive I've noticed is I have a much smaller ratio of cancelled : fulfilled orders on my Amazon order history.  I have 102 orders that have been cancelled over the past 6 months compared to 60 that were shipped and paid for.  Those numbers used to be like 200 cancelled order and 50 fulfilled orders.  It's probably as not dramatically improved as it looks, since orders that I paid for and had to submit a return request for (refunded) are put in my "archive", which is kind of like a trashcan....


Friday, July 22, 2022

Ghostbusters #0

 Dan Aykroyd had (has?) been throwing about this idea of the Ghostbusters back when they were in high school.  I guess if it were just Stantz and Spengler, it'd be **kinda** plausible without being a completely different movie, just a regular comedy without any sfx spectacling... etc...I really got the impression that Stantz and Spengler had no first hand knowledge of ghosts .... I suppose that mayve been just an assumption that could be broken rather painlessly.  They can't put all 3 of the guys in there, because Venkman was obviously a skeptic and genuinely thought that the other guys were full of it.  If it were all 3, what would the story be???  Three guys goofing around?  I guess it's possible Venkman could be in the movie but completely absent from any of the moments of supernatural phenomena.  Like "I swear to you, he was **just** here!" "Suuure...I believe you.  No, I really do..". Idk.  I guess it could work...I have to wonder if Aykroyd has actually written a script that demonstrates this concept as being workable.

Thursday, July 21, 2022

"everything that happens"

 Mr. C was telling me that "everything that happens is of God's will

And then I responded "So we're all just operating on puppetry?"
He responded with a contradictory response, like He wants me to submit to His will.  And that "when you have a sinful thought".....
This was prompted by a rather open ended question that I answered as accurately as anyone can.  "What does The Bible say about God's sove renty?" 

The Bible doesn't say anything about God's sovereinty other than to say He's sovereign.  The Bible makes a lot of references to God's sovereinty that give us a good reason to pause and think for a moment.  But it doesn't say anything specifically about God's sovereinty. 

For instance --
DANIEL 5:23 

Daniel here, talking to King Nebuknzr's successor
"...but you have risen up against the Lord of heaven; and they have brought the vessels of His house before you, and you and your nobles, your wives, and your concubines have been drinking wine out of them; and you have praised the gods of silver and gold, of bronze, iron, wood, and stone, which do not see, nor hear, nor understand. But the God in whose hand are your life-breath and all your ways, you have not glorified"

That simply refers to the idea that God is able to make and break people's decisions.  If God were merely self serving, He probably would do that.  God does not merely look out for His own interests.  I don't recall any other passages that are even as clear as that passage is about God's sovernty.  I certainly don't recall any passages that talk about His sovereinty in any greater detail. 

I'm not sure why God desires our faith to be tested, if He knows everything.
I don't know why He wants us to repent when He knows everything from beginning to end.
I don't know why He wants to give Hellbound souls an opportunity to repent when everything is pre-ordained.
---
I have to wonder if there are moments --- however precious few they may be --- where God is genuinely surprised.  Not like a person would be surprised.  God is always ****at least**** 15 steps ahead of us, He knows how we come to our decisions and what the consequences of yesterday's actions have on today's actions and what today's actions will store up for tomorrow and so forth.  It's usually pretty predictable.  But when God sees something, a choice, a sliver of goodness, that He didn't directly cause, but no less is qualified to take full credit for because He is the author and creator of all goodness (He may grant some of that credit to the co-author, so to speak, but I don't think He wants us resting on our laurels, so He does often hold back His applause...)

Anyway...
I don't know what I was going to say further.  Or if there is anything to say further.
Sorry for the abrupt ending....  I'm probably just talking out of my ass anyhow.........:/

Tuesday, July 19, 2022

ultimate toxicity

People were expressing gratitude that Sony had omitted the 2016 reboot of GHOSTBUSTERS from the 2022 "Ultimate Collection".  And then someone was saying something to the effect of the people doing so were "toxic"
I guess nobody's ever going to read this, but I can dream................
The fact of the matter is the 2016 reboot of GHOSTBUSTERS is an ENTIRELY different film.  It has very little in common with the

humor
aesthetic
tonality

of the first two Ghostbusters movies.

From a technical standpoint, sure, maybe GHOSBUSTERS: ANSWER THE CALL is a "better" film than GHOSTBUSTERS II (1989) was.  After all, it was more "original", in the sense that it had none of the original cast (and I'm talking about the people who were in the movie for more than 5 or 10 seconds)...  The story was not any more original.  Different than the first film, yes, but different does not equal better.  That's like saying the man who'd been dubbed The Elephant Man was a better person than everybody else because he was different.  Sure, people aren't movies, but there is a respectability to be found in a movie that delivers what it promises in spades.  GHOSTBUSTERS II did that.  GHOSTBUSTERS: ANSWER THE CALL didn't make any promises.  The creative team that did the movie didn't even seem to know what they were doing.  They had some ideas up their sleeves and did the best they could, but seriously, that is not an achievement.  All fillmmakers do the best they can.  That doesn't make the quality of the movies they make any better.

The ULTIMATE COLLECTION GHOSTBUSTERS 4K set that was released in early 2022 could have included the reboot.  It would not have been the end of the world.  But it also would not have been the end of the world or any minOOTe tragedy had they included THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.  Or CASPER.  Or a random 15 episodes of EXTREME GHOSTBUSTERS.  Sure, why not?  Am I toxic for wanting my stuff to be MY stuff?  I'm not going to spend $100+ on a boxed set that someone made for someone else.  Or, worse yet, made for everyone, and, consequently, nobody.

Friday, July 15, 2022

images made of wood

 I have to wonder, HOW exactly did people in Pegan nations get the notion that their prized carvings were anything more than sculptures?  Not to put down sculptures, but compared the expansiveness of Yahweh, what could a collection of art really accomplish?
It's of course due to note that in these days, God doesn't **seem** to be doing anything all that special.  But, really, He's never stopped holding up this planet by the corner of His shoulder bone (figuratively speaking).  Tragedy strikes, of course, stuff happens that we'd really rather not think about, but, IMO, God's intention is for us, collectively, to work so that we love each other as much as we possibly can, in Jesus' name.  We should not have home invasions, school shootings, children hooked on drugs and whored out, we should have peace and prosperity, not material blessings necessarily, but prosperity of soul.  We should be glad to be alive, glad to have neighbors, glad for family and friends, welcoming strangers, giving generously to those who ask for help.  Yes, we should rebuke each other when we know of another's sin.  We should challenge and encourage one another toward good works, not set people's lawns on fire for their sin or call out curses.  People who don't know God, what do you expect them to do?  And believe me, there are A LOT of people, not just "in this day and age", but through the 20th century, who do not/did not know God.  Sure, churches were more prevalent in the first half of the 20th century, but were they churches that did anything to pass the faith on to the next generation?  Obviously not.  In some instances, said apostacy wasn't even challenged.  In others, it was met with nothing more than bigotry.  And of course, others still bear their own guilt entirely, being aware of the truth, having had it articulated as well as it possibly can be, knowing the beauty of it and still turning away from it.  There's nothing that any mere mortal can do about such cases.  But for churches who teach The Gospel weekly and weakly, there's some blame to be had not only on those who declined to accept The Invitation to the wedding, but on the entirety of some of these churches that have popped up over the years, despite the fact that there may have been some genuine believers in those churches.
I don't know much about the various denominations.  But I know a lot of people have become disenchanted with government solely because of a pesky thing called bureaucracy.  

From Wikipedia: The term bureaucracy (/bjʊəˈrɒkrəsi/) refers to a body of non-elected governing officials as well as to an administrative policy-making group

In other words, if God hasn't told you to say something, just SHUT UP!  If you want to chit chat or blog (heh), cool, fine, shoot the breeze, yak at each other, yak at yourself, whatever.  But sermons that consist of political propaganda, theoretical stuff that isn't even discussed in The Bible or inserted in the mouth of a modern day prophet, then what use is it if not to be a stumbling block to the weak minded?
I myself have learned to lean less on my pastor and more on God.  It's not really a **Huge** deal to me that not everything preached at church is directly from The Bible.  It probably bothers me more than it should.  People talk about how God created the world just by His word.  God doesn't say how He created the world in His book.  He does say that He created the world and was satisfied with what He created.  It does say "God said..." "and it was so", etc., but it doesn't say that "it was so" as a direct result merely of Him saying anything.  It also says later in Genesis that God "withdrew" from Abraham.  How does a God who is everywhere all the time withdraw from someone?  First of all, I'm not even sure The Bible says that God is literally everywhere all the time.  It does describe Him as being omniscient and available when/if needed and it seems logical to think His presence would fill all space, and on second thought, I think I do remember reading something along that verbiage in The Bible somewhere, but let's just say, flat out, The Bible says He's omnipresent.  How, then, is it possible for Him to withdraw?  Obviously, there's varying degrees of presence.  Just like there's varying degrees of intent.  God wants the world destroyed and forgotten.  But does He want that as badly as He wants redemption for as many people as can be reached by The Word?  Probably not.  When God says "Let there be light", the only definitive takeaway from that is God wanted there to be light and He made light.  It doesn't say that Adam & Eve were formed instantaneously like a magic wand just whipped some dust up and viola, His masterpiece!  It doesn't say that all the animals that exist today existed back then.  People assume way too much.  And it's understandable to a degree.  People tend to fill in the blanks when reading.  For instance, Mary & Joseph couldn't find room to birth The Messiah.  It doesn't say they tried going to an inn for that purpose.  But people assume that's where they sought space to go about the birth process because just reading it without that information implied in one's head just sounds a little odd.  Were they going around knocking on door to door?  Probably not.  Maybe they sought shelter from a friend?  Or a relative?  It's not really relevant but it's kind of like reading a sentence and missing a couple of the words.  You can figure out what it means, but, really, the words aren't acutally there, so how do you know??  Truth is, you don't.  There's all kinds of possibilities most of the time when a sentence is missing even just one word.  A somewhat imaginative person like myself can maybe come up with 2 or 3 examples of what the person might be trying to say in that blank space, but that's likely not encompassing all the possibilities.  It really annoys me when people try to post stuff on the internet and don't seem to care that their post is missing some fine detail.  Why take up someone's bandwidth if you care that little?

Anyway...
The God of all creation is not a concept that I find is genuinely up for competition.  There is only one book that has had the longevity of The Holy Bible that makes the claims that it does.  Buddha did not create the world, not make any such claims.  The deceased loved ones of Hinduism hold no power over anybody except what you give them, which in itself is limited because there's only so much you can give to someone else.  Reincarnation is a joke.  Anyone remember being here before?  I sure as hell don't.  I guess Islam makes some of the same claims about God, and that religion has gained a lot of traction, but I honestly believe it's because it's close enough to the real thing to feel authentic but it's also detached just enough to feel right to fallen man.  I don't know a lot about Islam.  I do know there's a lot of people who are "Muslim" who are not fully practicing their faith.  Of course, people say that about Christians, that we're supposed to stone people to death etc but we don't.  A nation that is entirely subjected to God is free to carry out God's laws in full.  There is no such nation.  There NEVER HAS BEEN such a nation!  Israeli law was never upheld in full.  If it was, it wasn't done so for any significant amount of time.  People grew weary and selfish and just did whatever they felt like doing.  God will deal with those who are responsible for said things, but we, in everyday life, are not called to overthrow our government so that we can stone people freely.  We each have our own blind spots and weaknesses and we need to be the best we can be, each of us, and we need to help each other out on that.

Monday, July 4, 2022

Like grasping for air

In one of John McArthur's sermons he tried answering the question "What is a reprobate mind?"  He answered it by saying "It is a mind that is no mind at all"  Actually, a reprobate mind is a mind that God disapproves of and finds no value in.  If you want to turn that into an insult, then you can do so, I suppose, by phrasing it the way JM did.  And he of course declares Roe Vs Wade was an act of terrorism.  If a family needed food for themselves and their children after recently losing their job, would THE CHURCH have been guilty of "terrorism" for not giving the applicable resources to those in need?  Because that's what ended up happened during the Great Depression, back in the "Good ol' days".  "But those people weren't in church.  That's just an unfortunate circumstance"  Of course, after the children are born, who cares if "all life is precious"?

I don't know what John MacArthur's stance on welfare is.  He may be all for it but with some grievances on how it's used.  IDK.  If that is the case, John MacArthur can rest easy knowing he, out of a nation of millions, is right while so much of the world is wrong.
I don't think overturning RVW has changed anything.  People who don't see a single thing wrong with getting an abortion and can't afford to travel across the country to go get one when / if they want one will probably have no choice but to go through with the pregnancy.  And so the cycle of poverty continues.  Of course, people **COULD** and **SHOULD** just accept what the Supreme Court says as if it were a dictatorship, because until The People take action to make themselves heard by gov't, the gov't is what it is and the law is what it is.  From which the consequence it seems would be: quit having sex unless you want children.  If only if it were that easy.



Monday, June 27, 2022

Job the words (w/ 7/4 edit)

When I first read God's oracle of Job, I had no clue what I was reading.  I understood that Job had a huge disaster and that his friends visited him and that they yacked on and on and on and that God interrupted them and started talking to Job about the ornateness of creation and how Job wouldn't know the first thing about it if God hadn't explained what He already has to him.

But the narrative of the discussion Job had with his friends was confusing as heck.  Take chapter 8 as an example.  It's 20 verses long.  The first 7 are clear enough.  Is the last 13 verses meant to convey how vapid his friends were in their insistence?  Or is it meant as kind of a literary garnish?  Ug.  Now that I've heard my pastor talk about it both in public and private, I can discern what the meat of the dialogue is.  I just don't understand why there's so much filler.  :/

 

EDIT 7/4

I might've overstepped my boundary calling anything The Bible "filler".  If it were filler, it's not without utility, and maybe if I'd been reading a translation that put some consideration into how people talk nowadays instead of replicating the EXACT sentence, inasmuch as possible, that was in the original text from God, I'd have a better chance of understanding what was being spoken.  In Job ch22 or something one of his friends is talking about how God executes justice against the unGodly as if they had never met Job, like he's been leading some secret life as a serial killer or something....They make no accusation against him, except that he's impatient and self centered.  That is absolute lunacy.  The only thing I can gather is that those passages detail how NOT to talk to somebody when having an argument.  They were trying to console him initially, I guess, but under an assumption that was inaccurate.  It also seemed to be based on mythical understandings of God because, as Job observes, and later on Asaph writes about in one of the Psalms, God does not cause the wicked to take note of Him and turn from their wickedness.  He often lets the wicked live long and profitable lives before they die peacefully (and wake up in Hell).  Was Job exaggerating?  I know that's how it is now.  As far as I can tell from anyone I've heard talk, it's been like that since well before I was born a mere 38 years ago.  It may have not always been that way, at least not as much.  I guess that's more of an after thought.  They gave God honor and praise for His justice, but unfortunately Job became the butt of that.

Uh..anyway...maybe someday, when I'm like 74, Lord willing, I'll be able to sit and figure out why all those words are there.................rm.....

Friday, June 24, 2022

A Mighty Leaf

Those who trust in their riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf.
Proverbs 11:28 NASB


The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever
Isaiah 40:8 NASB

We know that God’s judgment on those who do such things is based on the truth.
Romans 2 HCSB

Sorry, but NASB translation of Romans 2 just doesn't make any sense.  The NASB says "rightly" instead of "based on the truth".  "rightly" at best is a redundant term by this point, because it's already been established that God is good.  But the term "rightly" regarding God's judgement really means nothing when dealing with The Holy Almighty God.  God is not RIGHT.  He is not WRONG.  He is not up for debate.  He is not subject to any laws.  The only thing The Bible says that God literally can not do is LIE.  Not because it is physically impossible for Him to do so, but because that would set  precedent for absolute chaos and calamity.
I do not subject myself to God because He is morally superior to me.  I don't do a very good at all job at subjecting myself to Him anyway, but if I were to subject myself to him in every act that proceeds from my hands feet and mouth, it would be because He is the source of all that I can ever want, every longing and interest that is within me, even those that are scheming against me, whatever I gain from this life and the next, He holds the key to.  I do not act on this absolute truth nearly as much as I should and I probably should be more sorrowful over that than I am.  Is it a lack of gratitude and possibly even a lack of faith to an extent that puts this wedge between myself and my savior, Lord Jesus.
If you do not at least ACKNOWLEDGE God as being Holy and faithful, then you are stirring up God's ire and you can keep doing that if you choose.  I pray if any who have not read God's word and are at least **Trying** to agree with it wholeheartedly, that you, whoever and wherever you may be, would be granted a new set of eyes, that they may shine within you and that you may flourish, like a green leaf.

 Subjection to God is not a requirement.  It is a NECESSITY.  It is for your own benefit that you subject yourself to God.  God created you for fellowship with Him.  YOU WERE BORN FOR IT!  Does God afflict us sometimes?  Yes.  There are times when we undoubtebly deserve it because we are acting stupid at the expense of others.  There are other times when He is simply calling out to us "YOU COULD HAVE IT SO MUCH BETTER!"


Thursday, June 16, 2022

6.16

 Still somewhat failing to keep myself afloat.  I've been praying incessantly today, asking God to revive my spirit, to impart His will to me, to replace my will with His.  I at one point earlier today thought I was perhaps violating Jesus' command to stop using so many words because talking more does not increase God's knowledge or level of concern.  But I just don't know what to say.  I run out.  Idk.  Jesus didn't exactly chant His prayer, but He did model for us an example of urgent prayer in the garden of Gethsemane(is that the word I'm looking for?....🤔..uh...)


I'm distracted.   My sister just texted me.  Doubtful this is the final chapter here.


CONT'D

I'm back.

Hmm.  I don't know if me praying is of any consequence.  I felt like I was being disrespectful of God's promises or ungrateful or something... like "Relax!  I don't need to radically transform you.  If I decide to do so, you'll find out in due time.". Idk.  I don't even know what specifically I want or need from God.  I'm already saved from His wrath.  I think...?  I would like to be more productive in my walk with God.  I don't personally care so much about the particular sins I commit.  I just don't want to be hiding from the church to avoid mis representing the church to outsiders.  People come in and they're like "Look at what kind of change God has made in ordinary people!  We WERE ordinary but now we're a bunch of weirdos!  But don't gaze to long at that guy over there.  He's stupid...or something...". Idk.  I guess I should just quit trying to measure myself by other churchgoers.  I'm not your average church goers.  I might grow to be more like one as time goes on.  I might not.  I need to quit latching onto every piece of word that I get sent to me.  I need to take what I get in context.  I do think my pastor was into something when he said quit judging your brother based on the different measure of faith he's given.  I don't think the people I'm being desciples by truly agree with that notion.  That's on them. I need to seek approval from God.  Not let myself be sized up and chopped down by other people.

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

DS

 Going through Romans this week starting yesterday.  It really is a confusing composition.  Maybe more confusing to me because I'm so filthy.  I did manage to go Monday and Tuesday without engaging in immorality but slipped a couple hours ago.  I should be a lot more grievanced about the fact that I didn't keep it together on Sunday.  Today is no less important by the calander.  It's not important to me and it doesn't strike me as a day of particular consequence but who's to say what the ramifications are in my activities?  Maybe someone saw me through the window or for all I know maybe I have a digital stalker...  Maybe I'm being investigated for some suspicion of criminal activity and the detective was ill effected by my deeds.  If he's, whoever, if anyone, saw my deeds, as a non believer, I might have given them added fuel to dismiss Christianity and if a believer I may have thrown about undue temptations.  idk.  Not terribly likely anyone witnessed what I was doing although God certainly did and I should be grieved to tears by this but I'm just so dull.  :/

Friday, May 27, 2022

sinectopy

 Well, I managed to not actively engage in sexual immorality yesterday, but I had a rather unproductive conversation with my accountability partner.  I don't know if this is going to work, having him AND someone else of the same wavelength.  I'm not interested in trying to PROVE my salvation by ticking off every box in a checklist.  That seems to be the goal of my bretheren and I'm just not interested.  I don't appreciate being argued with.  "You don't resist,  You FIGHT!"  I'm guessing the scripture that says "resist the devil and he will flee from you" is not applicable in this context.  I even quoted that back to my accountability partner and then he accused ME of "arguing with The Word"  I wasn't arguing with the word.   I was trying to coax the guy into quit being so vague.  

I need to delve more into His word.  I don't need all this other crap.


Tuesday, May 24, 2022

Auyrg

 I don't really know what to say...  I know I should not get so frakn ayenge'ry about fraKn anything much less at the qty and depth I do.  

I don't think I said anything dishonest although I might've unduly characterized certain things or over simplified unjustly etc etc.....

Had a productive counseling session today.  At least I think.  Time will tell if it's actually helpful.  I think this guy who has ventured to help me with my sinful patterns of behavior will be a good guide in my life.  I can already see it.  The biggest obstacle is my own dullness of heart and stubbornness.


On a separate note, I don't know how, but I managed to burn 100+ calories today without even going for a walk.  I ate a lot more calories today than I did yesterday tho.  Yesterday I actually ate **mayyyyybe** 2,000 calories... I really don't think it was more than that.  I ate lunch at IHOP today, that's where we had the counseling session.  So that was 1.2k calories right there.  And then I had three sandwiches for dinner.  Breakfast was somewhere between there ie two sandwiches.  Then I had a couple eggs and a protein drink at the lake afternoon time, 2:30ish.


Not much else to say about anything... I'm supposed to be trying to get to sleep... I'm typing this on my phone...rrk!  Ok.weyll...g'nite


Saturday, May 21, 2022

Dirty laundry

 My mom is grieved by all the times she raised her voice at me and the fact that I never know if I'm doing the right thing with her constant nitpicking and contradicting and/or ineptly worded instructions is not her doing, but is the result of my mutated form of logic...

I should be grateful for the sense of humility that has resulted from that except I have so much "pride" that I'm apparently a danger to my nephews.  This probably doesn't make any sense unless you're around all the bullshit I've witnessed.  My primary offense, according to one of the elders of the church is that I don't forgive at the drop of a hat.  My sister says if I want to ever live here, I need to quit offering to be helpful with the kids.  I don't get the connection.  I was kicked out because of pride, but somehow wanting to be helpful is the most vile manifestation of that.  Wtf???  She of course wants me to be helpful but in order to be so, I have to agree with every crevice of her thoughts or else I make her job more difficult.  I can understand that since she's explained it in detail.  I don't understand what the hell happened to all the concerns over the panic attacks that my brother in law doesn't understand why I care of I'm being blamed for... ("If she says you're innocent of wrongdoing what difference does that make to you?".  Probably nothing if he doesn't agree.  I wouldn't have been aware of what was going on if he hadn't told me how awful I am because of it....   Yes, I'm so idolotrous for thinking lowly of this Bs.  That was his response to my email where I TRIED to articulate my thoughts on the matter....)


I don't know who reads this.  I don't think anybody gives a crap.  If I thought anybody did, I would assume it'd be my mom or my sister.  Except my mom is incapable of doing anything differently and my sister is lovestruck by everything about her husband.



Sunday, May 8, 2022

failing to honor

 Been sucking the grave this past week or so.  I believe it'll all work out.  I just need to figure out how to quit being so damn lazy.

It's a joke

 https://www.etonline.com/amy-schumer-cancels-comedy-show-after-covid-19-diagnosis-183737

What the heck?   Netflix Is A Joke is not the same thing as Netflix is a Joke.  These publishers could have at least italicized the text.  It's not like it's common knowledge that there is a festival called Netflix Is A Joke.  I certainly didn't know that.  I figured it out, after rattling my brain trying to figure out what the hell I was reading.  I thought it might've been a typo.  The same exact article is being published at numerous outlets.  While reading the first one I came across, I thought it was maybe garbling up a sentence that consisted of an opinion.  "Amy Schumer had to cancel Saturday’s comedy set at the Netflix is a Joke festival -- after testing positive for COVID-19." Someone that doesn't know how to write or read English very well, which is half the internet, to varying degrees...even TIME magazine's online content is prone to have typos...could have easily taken a sentence akin to:

"The fact that Amy Schumer had to cancel Saturday's comedy set at The Netflix is a joke worthy of a festival..." and coughed up the above sentence.


Rg


Monday, May 2, 2022

transactional forgiveness

 I'm not sure I understand what my pastor was saying this past Sunday (yesterday).  He was saying something about God's grace is conditional or something.  Sounds like I'm going to Hell.  I don't know.  I think there might have been some important details that he left out.  He said "God showed you your sin, you repented, therefore HE forgives you"  I don't know.  The leadership there makes this emphasis on the supposed difference between "changing your mind" -- what the original Greek New Testament is translated into English as "repentance" -- and the "Real" meaning of the word "repentance", which is a "whole person turning away from"...  If we wholly turned away from sin, all of us would be without sin, period.  We might have some daunting recollections from the past, but we would not have anything PRESENTLY to deal with.  If you change your mind, naturally you're going to act like it.  People at the church I go to seem to think "changed my mind" is akin to "I'll make a note of it".  I have no idea where they get that from because that's not what it means...that's not what I mean when I say it.  Sometimes changing your mind may be like flipping a coin.  You flip it, and you flip it again.  There's no limit to how many times a coin can be flipped except what gets set by God.  The complete turning away from sin requires a complete and permanent change of mind.  Which is harder to come by, and as I have always understood it, is a process.  Salvation is not a process.  I've never understood it to be one anyway.  Present tense salvation, salvation from our sins, also referred to as sanctification, is not an instant thing and is a process, but I've always been told "God doesn't wait for you to get your act together before He saves you.  He accepts you as you are"  Maybe I'll hear this coming Sunday that THAT'S un-Biblical.  idk.
I realize I'm making things harder for myself by not rushing into agreement with God and fighting to stay in agreement with God.  I don't know how I am fault for that.  I don't know what I could have done differently except take heed to God's word WAY sooner than I did.  It was about the time my mom started trying to impart the knowledge of God to me that I started getting caught up in filth from the internet..........  IT seems rather stupid that I didn't submit to God sooner.  I mean, on what basis was I making judgement against an eternal God?  Yes, I don't like the fact that so many people are going to end up in Hell.  I can still say that I find it difficult to reconcile the passages in Revelation where the heavenly chorus is shouting "THANK YOU GOD!" for pouring vats of acid on the people of Earth.  It says HE IS JUST AND RIGHT for these judgements. And I know there's a lot of people that are deserving of the depths of terror and heights of torture, and many more people deserve to have a serious beating, but the whole world, or most of it?  I certainly can't bring myself to feel that way about the trajectory of my life, least of all my lust for female sexuality.  I know I should out of respect for God do better in the coming days.  I went 3.75 days without acting on it.  Maybe I can up that to 5.25 days, or a whole 7!  I think 7 is setting too lofty of a goal for me.  I'll start with 5 and if I can stave it off another day or two.....we'll see.  I should have read The Bible some yesterday.  I should have read it earlier in the day as of now.  That probably would have helped...

Monday, April 4, 2022

"What image do you have of yourself?"

 Part of this book about dealing with idolatry has a questionnaire about how to identify idols.  A question about self imagine came up.  I don't know how to succintly answer it so here's me typing up a blogpost about it....

I see myself as young and kind of a rebel, an okay-y guy, sorta, a deconstructing sort, always trying to make sure his i's are crossed, etc., always re-thinking things and double checking...  but often getting his priorities out of sorts.  re-thinking things always, but not always re-thinking the things he should be re-thinking........  Getting lost in the small things.  Disorganized in thought.  

Not sure what else to say about how I see myself.  I don't know what to say about my future self (it was actually two questions in one bullet point).  I've never met him, nor have I heard anything about him.  I imagine my future self will be older.  Hopefully I'll be wiser....

Friday, April 1, 2022

Would it were NOT true?!

 "If only it were true"
"He says it as if it were true"

I can't recite the exact function of words like "would", "were", "it", "and" etc...but I know damn well "would it were true" is nothing more than a mishmash of words.  They try to justify its existence as "The subjunctive mood".  WTF?  Is that a sophisticated way of saying "incoherent mutter"?

But given that it seems to be a very commonly used incoherent mutter, it seems maybe I'm also the only one who thinks the sentence that opens this Facebook post could benefit from some re-wording.


It SEEMS, based on the way I learned how to talk (American English), that it SHOULD say "Van Gogh, in being himself, resulted in distinction and success,..."  I have no idea how to read that sentence without pretending it has a different sequence of words on the page.  When I first tried reading that, I went through it 3 times and had to go backwards and see if I missed something.  I've learned through reading broken English all over the web that if you just continue looking at the other words used, you can figure out what the author was probably trying to convey.

Sunday, March 13, 2022

GB3 lost at the BAFTA, life goes on

 https://twitter.com/GBNewsdotcom/status/1503141354976821253

I'm honestly rather surprised that this was even nominated.  The only thing I can figure is that many in the Hollywood elite like GHOSTBUSTERS almost as much as your everyday humdrum social media messenger does.
The 2nd sequel / 4th movie was a bit of a mess.  It started out rather slow.  It had some good jokes.  The characters were likeable.  It was a little engrossing.  It sped up a little, but by the end of the movie, the warnings of the apocalypse that the main characters' grandfather had posted on metal sheets along the entry to his barn property just seemed rather disconnected from the rest of the film.  When "the apocalypse" starts up, it's apparent that it's just a repeat of the first movie.  And why did Egon and Ray have a falling out?  Egon couldn't have simply told Ray "Gozer's coming back soon and I've pinpointed the location" instead of wailing on about "the end is near!  We're all going to die!"  And Gozer would have had to go pretty far beyond the confines of that tiny town it was in in order to fulfill ANY thing similar to an apocalypse.  And it hadn't even started.  There was a dinky little town of people to wake up and shake into worship, but it didn't seem to care...it seemed to be content to rest on its laurels (whatever those may have been...).
I haven't seen DUNE, but I've seen little pieces of it and it seems to be at least visually more impressive than GB3.  It just makes more sense that it would have won over GB3.  I would hope that DUNE is an overall better movie, just for the sake of common sense.  GB3 was aimed at a tween / family demographic and was billed as a comedy, so it's not really supposed to make a lot of sense anyway, although I really would have preferred it be more original than it was.  The structure of GB2's screenplay was very similar to GB1, but the story was completely different.  There was no river of slime in GHOSTBUSTERS.  There was no haunted painting in GHOSTBUSTERS.  That's half of GB2 is the river of slime and the haunted painting.  Even if the order of events, the story structure, made it feel very familiar, it's still a sequal so there's always going to be a level of familiarity no matter what.
But anyway.....DUNE is supposed to a more serious film, and it has no built in audience except for fans of the book, who are not numerous enough to make it financially successful and even if they alone spurred on the film's success, many of them would not recommend the film or go back to see it again if it wasn't simply a good movie.  That level of success -- it's grossed over $300 million -- does not come from a modest size group of die hard geeks with weird tastes.  A good # of the audience is made up of good ol' fashion film goers, who want something a little different but also want to be mentally and emotionally engaged.


Friday, March 11, 2022

Sunk, head up.

I spent several days diving into the oily gunK that swarms about my heart in various patterns.  Not even trying to set up any barriers.  I fear that God is not doing --as,much-- as He perhaps otherwise would because He knows on some level, at a higher rank than it ought to be, my prayer when I ask Him to help me is nothing more than "Please disregard my disobedience".  God intervend with a phone call from a guy from church.  I was obedience for all of 3 days.

I believe that -- God is able and willing to help.  He is NOT willing to do it for me.  I've literally asked Him to do that.  I need to take His word more plainly.  We are not called into sitting around waiting for an explanation that sounds suitable to each and every one of us.  Adam & Eve had no possible way to comprehend the consequences of eating the forbidden fruit and we as modern man still have differing opinions on what exactly transpired in the garden of Eden.  I don't need to understand why God set these barriers up and why they're so dangerous to cross.  I just need to continue to decrease the frequency with which I cross them and use the time after and before I fall again, if I do, to just try and marvel over the goodness and beauty of God.  I don't do that enough and I think that's partly what spurred me on to my slipup today.  Lord, please lift my face to You and infuse me with an appreciation of Your majesty.  Please.  I am far from worthy of this.  I am deserving of a pig's death.  Please rescue me, O God.  Lift me away from these things and lead me into a reverent awe of The Truth and Your Majesty 

Thank you, Father God and Lord Jesus, blessed be Your spirit, may I keep from continuing to desecrate Your temple. Please..... 





Saturday, March 5, 2022

SEERRRRR

 PLEASE RID ME OF THIS SELF!!!, O GOD!!!!!

I've been trapped in this oozy puss mind.  I don't know how to get out of it.  I can't quite fathom the idea of throwing my computer in the trash..............................................

I could on the other hand get rid of my Roku.  But ISN'T SELF CONTROL A FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT???  Why can't I keep from giving into this crap?  I speak this way of course with the present realization that it is *****WRONG**** to behave this way.  I don't even think I **FULLY** realize the extent and manner in which this is wrong.  I have a greater acknowledgement in this moment than I did last night and five minutes ago.  

:/

Please, God!!!

PLEAAAASE????!!!!

Tuesday, March 1, 2022

It **MIGHT** cost you everything.......

 https://www.amazon.com/Will-Cost-You-Everything-Follow/dp/1527107035/ref=pd_bxgy_1/131-9003146-9954726?pd_rd_w=eqSr6&pf_rd_p=6b3eefea-7b16-43e9-bc45-2e332cbf99da&pf_rd_r=MBWM5ZJ4DXV8KSNZEN51&pd_rd_r=2381ae1c-4e1b-405f-8483-918da36a6847&pd_rd_wg=37Tky&pd_rd_i=1527107035&psc=1#customerReviews

Probably a sound book, but the title is complete BULLSHIT!  Simply dying, which everybody does, costs everything.  Of course, I mean "Every" thing, as in every thing a person has ever known apart from God Himself.  We will lose our lunch.  We will lose our houses.  We will lose our family.  Some of that we might gain back, who on Earth can say if we'll eat in Heaven or which family members we'll see in Heaven?  Our houses will be more splendid than anything a person might have on Earth.  Who would want to keep their house in Heaven?  The sub atomic particles that everything is made up of, including houses, are tainted with the presence of sin.  Who would want to take that with them when they go except people so ensnared with sin they can't realistically contemplate the idea of Jesus being their Lord?
Following Christ does not cost EVERY THING.  Sometimes it does.  Many missionaries have left everything for God.  The Apostles left everything behind for God.  They still get to eat food, presumably, although it may not be enjoyable simply because different cultures often have a very different idea of what tastes good.  Some cultures eat snails and different kinds of vegetables that are not regularly sold in supermarkets where x and y missionaries were/are originally from.
A guest preacher at my church did a sermon about this concept and primarily focused on an example in that sermon on some guy whose name I don't remember that lost his life trying to preach The Gospel to some lost civilization somewhere in the jungle.  An example of the fallacy of "It will cost you everything" --- the guy was married when he died at the hands of his beloved enemies.  What does that say?  Does that say that every married person is going to be divorced once they become a Christian?  Lose your paternal family, your nuclear family, lose your taste buds, lose your ability to listen to music, watch movies..........  Yeah, EVERY thing!  Because SIN is not EVERY THING!!!!   And that's the only thing that Jesus commands us to repent of.  Not our hobbies.  Not our fleeting bouts of happiness.  Not our love for other people.  He simply wants us to flee from sin and do so genuinely.  In practice, the authenticity of that fleeing is usually something that follows after you take that first step of submission and simply doing what Jesus has commanded.  "Take up your cross" means it's not going to be an easy victory.  It doesn't mean it's going to cost you everything.  

Friday, February 25, 2022

AFter Life

 Seriously.

All those years Harold Ramis was alive, virtually nobody knew who he was.  Nobody visited him in the hospital.  Nobody sent him "get well soon" cards.  Nobody called him up on the phone to say they wish him well.  Facebook wasn't holding any vigils for him.  And now every opportunity that comes up to mention that he's dead, everybody uses it.  Sick.

Enjoy life.
If you miss Harold Ramis, maybe re-direct your attn to the whole lot of people (that are actually IN your life) that you don't cherish enough, before they're dead as well.

Friday, February 4, 2022

Cents and sensibility

 I'm finally in fight mode.  I can only pray that God will keep me in it.  My pastor / counselor has been trying to get it through my thick skull that I need to cut it out!!!  We discussed that it's due time for me to get with it and determine what my "right hand" is and cut it off accordingly.  I don't want to have to give up music and movies.  So I'm trying as hard as I can to be GOOD (relatively speaking..."less vile" I guess) I concidentally have been spending money like crazy.  I don't even know why except boredom.  If that were a solution you'd think it'd be accomplished.  Yeesh.  I need to figure out what I want to do and just do it!!!  I don't need to buy music or movies.  I have a TON of stuff to watch just on Hulu.  And then I have a bunch of DVDs I haven't watched.  I keep thinking that I need to support the music & film industry by buying stuff from it but I've DONE that!!!!!  At least twice over.  I don't even like the new music that comes out.  I mean, sometimes good stuff comes out but usually I'm AT LEAST a year late figuring out what new band is any good.  Most of the time I'm more like 5++ years late.  So obviously the music industry does not depend on me.  I should still support it IF/WHEN I find something new that I do truly like, but I don't need to buy some movie I watched 10 years ago to show my appreciation for it or whatever.  This whole cycle is just crazy.  I need to get down to business.  Time to start chipping away at this mountain of credit card debt I've accumulated with this insanity.

Many a book worthless is atomed

 This is the first sentence of WE WERE NEVER HERE by Andrea Bartz, a bestselling book on Amazon.  

"Kristen trotted to the patio’s edge and crouched, long arm outstretched."


What the hell is a "long arm"?

Monday, January 17, 2022

What's up with "easter eggs"?

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Easter_egg_(media)
 
 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghostbusters:_Afterlife#Critical_response
There is nothing hidden in GB3 (Ghostbusters: Afterlife). The plot is not that complicated. Everything on the screen is plainly visible. I really don't know why that headgear thingy that Louis Tully was wearing when he was being tested for whatever was sitting on a work bench in a farmhouse.  I doubt that thing had the same sentimental value to Egon that it did to a lot of kids who watched the movie back in 1984-1990 who saw that and were like "woah...that is some tricked out s&it!"  And why was a 40 year old candy bar stuck in Egon's jumpsuit?  Did it really mean that much to him that Venkman took back "some of things" he'd said about him?  Maybe it did, but the candy bar would have been beyond edible by that point and probably would have ruined the jump suit by the time Phoebe and co. made it over to the farmhouse....that's assuming that the candy bar wasn't just sitting in the jumpsuit for 40 years.....I mean, is that what people are referring to as an "easter egg"?  I don't know how someone could be so vapid as to not connect the dots there.  If you're not a real fan of the first two movies (or at least the first movie), then, yeah, the significance is going to be lost and you won't even care.  To those who do care -- why?  Just because you recognize something doesn't make it significant.  Like "OH, I found the easter egg!"  Okay?  So you have one or two more badges that confirm your geekhood.  Good for you, I guess?
 
The movie was OK.  I really think it was a mistake to be sequeling the movie.  They did an acceptable job with GB2.  If they were going to continue the legacy, they should go more in the direction of Dan Aykroyd's original script, which was more edgy and horror-like.  I don't know if there's enough demand to warrant financing the cost of making such a movie.  I wouldn't expect them to just do a total adaptation, but even a scaled down version of that movie would be risky.  But then again, isn't it always?

Monday, January 10, 2022

Whooah

 I started posting this on Facb but they cut me off ...

My sister wrote me a scripture note on an Index card which she'd mailed out to me. It's of Philippians chapter 4, vss 4 through 7. The last part is transcribed a little ambiguously... I think it rightly says "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus". But the word "the" looks like "He"... But isn't THE Holy Spirit a "He"? (I was actually just thinking the other day about why He is The Holy Spirit rather than Mr. Holy Spirit or ... something... The word "the" implied an inanimate object. Or, in certain contexts it can describe a facet of a person...like "The leg we had to cut off is not going to be able to be re attached, but he will be fine" -- the "he" there not referring to the leg but rather the person who had been endowed with a leg and subsequently charged with the task of figuring out how to make do without it; the "heart" of "him", you could say... The Holy Spirit being referred a The backs up my suspicion that The Holy Spirit is not an eternal presence. I don't have any reason to think The Holy Spirit is going to be gone ever, but I don't think The Holy Spirit is as distinct a presence as God The Father or Jesus The Son. I should probably emphasize I'm not declaring some kind of doctrine. I don't believe The Bible is very clear on this but it seems quite possible that The Holy Spirit might be basically a manifestation of God The Father and Jesus, given to each of His people... When His people are fully saved and in paradise without temptation and evils, what will The Holy Spirit be? It's almost impossible to answer that with any guarantee of accuracy. It's like trying to describe a sound you've never heard. Or trying to hear a sound you literally cannot hear. I had a glimmer of an idea for a scifi story along that thought several years ago, on the notion that if the laws if physics on another planet were entirely different than that of Earth, not just gravity, but all of it,

if we survived the trip, somehow it another, if there were other life forms there, but we couldn't see or hear them... because we're basically looking with eyes that are designed to examine and interpret THIS set of physics.

a total side note from the original notion...but anyway....