more like rafting

Well, I can't say I'm prophesying and casting out demons, or that I feel JOY! sweet JOY!
I can say my worries have subsided.  It felt great being at church, I had only the nervous tug that goes when I fail to include the unfettered truth when people asked me how I am and I said "I'm doing pretty good".  And that's not The Holy Spirit, although it may be in line with His will.  I've been obnoxious about the whole Honesty Policy as far back as I can recall.  My sister was telling me I owed her X dollars less than what I had calculated and she kept coming up with responses when I called her upon this and I kept finding fault with them.  My mom eventually decided to expedite the conversation and said "she's giving you a break"  I turned back to facing my sister and said "Is this true?" and my sister said "yes" or something to that effect.  And that settled it.
Anyway.
I'm not satisfied with the richness of my soul, but I know that is rectifiable.  I felt welcome into church.  I am feeling optimistic about the future.  The fact that I managed to get through and beyond church on less than 5 hours of sleep is a miracle on its own.  The only drawback I felt during church was a hunger for physical nourishment due to my puny breakfast (I had 2/3 serving of grape nuts and a couple Keebler cookies; a good caloric intake, but not as much nutrition as I probably needed, since cookies are nothing but lard basically).
I did get a good size nap in from 3pm to after 6.  And yet again I got to sleep around 9 pm and got about 8 hours of sleep broken up by a few hours, so that I wasn't fully up and at'em until 10am.  I should have mowed the lawn even though it was The Sabbath.  I was thinking it would be wrong, because it was The Sabbath, but then I realized how much rest I am free to partake in due to the government's assessment of my emotional weaknesses etc.  This book my mom heard about she's been reading and hasn't spoken about much since she began, she said before she started that it's premise is taking a look at mental illness in a more Biblical perspective because not all abnormal or immoral behavior can be definitively explained by psychology, much less treated by psychiatrists.
I do need to keep chewing on the idea of venturing outward.  I don't think I am designed to live in a tent like Paul did and climb steep mountains to reach untouchable people groups.  Maybe that was in my capacity at birth, but my physical health and whatever the heck my major malfunction is has changed all that.  I can however most likely find something to do with my time that isn't so wasteful and /or selfish.
In time.  God is probably ready when I am.  But He's here to help me get ready.  I just need to keep asking.  The less I ask God for favors, the less I find myself mindful of the favors at hand.  I personally don't find myself in need of anything particular.  The only thing I need is God.  God is far more satisfying than anything on this planet and even though electricity and infrastructure have yet to fail me, they are not built to withstand the ravages of time and God did not design man to live forever.  I as my great grandparents and even some of my grandparents already, and their parents before them, will not be sitting on this computer desk forever, freely able to go get more sandwich supplies when hungry and plug into Spotify to fill my molecules with color.  This state of existence will either be destroyed by changes within society, or government paperwork errors, or the deep dark absennce of God or the great pulsating magnification of His presence as my skin is made new and my eyes are unveiled to see fully the Majesty of God The Father.

still floating

I'm trying to be more mindful of the Sabbath lately and more open with my time and resources (money).  I'm doing kind of a half assed job with Sabbath.  So much is so easily accessible.  The Bible is easily bought, but it's never easy to read.  I guess I could start reading that Study Bible I got from a dude who attended (possibly still attends) Legacy Church in Marietta's Men's Bible Study.  Sadly his name is not coming to mind.  I have to be in church in exactly 6 hours 9 minutes and I'm not even finished typing this, even farther from laying down and sleeping.

Anyway...not even sure what my point is.  There's so much I'm off the point regarding.  I believe in the power of The Holy Spirit.  Someone on some Bible theology website said "What is The Holy Spirit like?  Look at Jesus.  That's what The Holy Spirit is like."  (paraphrasing here).  I honestly don't know how that answers my question.  Jesus' personality was not in any way detailed in The Bible.  He's depicted as being kind and loving, but you really don't get a sense of Him as a Person.  He doesn't even speak on His own accord, but that of The Father.  And it's not like anything else about Jesus was documented.  Jesus is The Savior, Mankind's Hope for a better life.  And he did everything he could to hammer that message home to people with every minute of his 3 year ministry -- which is only partially documented with very little else about His life on record.

So the question is: What do I say to God?  People have said "Say what's on your heart".  What's on my heart?  Usually it's nothing.  As far as I can tell.  When it's not nothing, it's "Hey, that was hilarious" or "Damn, I'm horny" or "Father, please forgive me for being so depressed" or "F---ng internet is screwing up.  Yiyyyyyyyyg!"  Does God want me to say those things to Him?  I can ask Him to better me in all these ways.  But from the writings of Paul, and the teachings of Jesus, it really does seem like mankind is expected to simply do as told, with no ifs ands or buts.  If only it were indicated somewhere in the actual text how much of Jesus' teaching is an exaggeration and how much of it is to be taken at face value.  My pastor says the whole cut off your foot if it makes you stumble into sin and kill yourself if you love life etc...., is meant to imply "do everything you can to avoid sin".  My question is: How all encompassing is EVERY THING?  The Lord's Prayer says "Please forgive our trespasses as we have forgiven our trespassers"  But I don't know how to even do that.  I can't seem to let go of my anger.  I can't seem to let go of my judgement.  I don't know how to let go of my welfare recipient status or at the very least get the fkn lawn mowed once in a while before it gets 5 inches tall and needs to be done twice back2back.  I don't even know how to make friends with people and "love them like Jesus" as the ever popular Casting Crowns sang in one of their songs.

I keep asking for help in these things but I always sense that I don't wnat what I'm asking for enough for God to grant it.  And if that is the case...........ugh.  I keep forgetting I've earned Hell 10x over and do NOT deserve anything better.  I keep wondering if that's a way of saying "If I were God, everything I touch would turn to ash" and therefore I should expect the same from He is Actually IS God, or if God's love is a crime that we humans are supposed to be pleasantly surprised with.

not worthy but it's ok

It perplexes me that people put so much emphasis on "You don't earn your way to Heaven" yet Paul calls Heaven a "reward".  Reward for what?  Nothing?  I understand I have much to be condemned for and that God is a lot more forgiving than I am.  I understand this.  In fact, in the state I'm currently in, it seems I've met every bullet point for being disqualified from entering Heaven based on Paul's letter to the Corinthians.  Jesus Himself states that there will be people who served Him that are by definition "lawbreakers" (although not defined in that particular verse, which is where I have to rely on varying bits of scripture elsewhere such as 1st John and 1st Corinthians) and will not be granted entry to The King of Kings' palace.
The impression I get is that God understands our limitations and does not nitpick when it comes to the multitude of laws that we have broken and sometimes continue to break.  Some of these hard to break sin habits are of our own making, and some of them we are led into.  Jesus Himself in His time on Earth as a fleshly being and God the Father through the Prophets' pens refers to in multiple instances "causing" other people to sin.  Moses knew better than to strike the rock instead of speak to it.  He deliberately gave into his anger.  That's not to say he wasn't provoked.  But his sin was still damaging to who knows how many people who otherwise would have more fully understood God's kindness and mercy and did more to please God and less acting on their own accord.  My mom is full of much anger and sadness, and has much to be forgiven for, and some of the time she spends acting on those things is simply the limitations of her human self and some of that is simply choice.  I myself am often guilty of omission and some of that is my own limitations and some of that is willful.  Speaking for myself as only I can, I can say, that much of my laziness and lack of gratitude is willful, either by consequence of overall disobedience or by general defiance.  Some of it is inherent in my upbringing, but knowing the scriptures as I do, which is not to say that I'm a scholar or anything, but I have read 90% of the New Testament and all of the Old Testament, I ought to have a better standing with God than I do and rely on His power to get me through the days better and with more success.  Too much of the time I spend lusting after meaningless possessions and tricks of the eyes and ears and tastes of the tongue as well as grumbling against this or that thing that someone said, or did, or simply laying in bed half asleep on the off chance I might justify that by actual sleep, as if I won't have enough time spent sleeping when I enter Heaven (assuming I do get there.......)

If you look at the big picture, nobody earns anything.  Money is not earned.  God gives us our lives.  We don't earn them.  Family is not earned.  We have a loving Heavenly Father.  We don't earn the earhly parents we have, we don't earn the kindness or cruelty they dole out.  We don't earn the degree of kindness with which God doles out, that much is true.  A person with much rebellion as myself has no right to expect to enter Heaven by any means other than Faith and Prayer.  I don't get the full benefit of God's Holy Spirit because I am full of filth on the inside of myself.  The fact that I have Hope and a Future and the promises of a prosperity beyond comprehension is above and beyond what I deserve.
But to say that a practicing Christian such as Paul, or any of the numerous people in this planet who have "strived to enter through the narrow gate" deserve to be in Hell does seem like something I would expect an unforgiving PERSON to say, given Paul's past sins, but not a forgiving and gracious God, which is what God is -- forgiving and gracious.  I can only assume such emphasis on "not earning" Heaven is meant to dissuade us from becoming arrogant and acting in ways that go along with that, which lead nowhere except...death...an endless cycle of no less.