:/

https://open.spotify.com/track/1jsmQvdY61oHFi32lC6JUd?si=1ef48ee4102241f1

 This guy's newer EP "Manna Pt 1" is awesome.  I really connected with it.  My sister recommended another of his albums from a little further back titled LET THE GROUND REST.  It's basically just redundant "You're Good, thank YOU!"  Very one dimension which I suppose is palatable for people that have enough sense and enlightenment to obey Him and then draw from the well of His comfort.  It doesn't even seem like the older CD is even as inventive musically, which might be connected to the "narrow road" analogy that Jesus teaches...not sure.

slowly gaining a little bit of minor traction...................

 ...

For the past couple of months+, I'd been finding myself failing to live upright at various levels daily.
Some days I'd take a peek, some days I'd glance, and many other days I'd take a full on gander, and practically bathe in it.  Well, last week, during the later part of November, I managed to entirely abstain for ONE day.  (Ya, a whole whopping day, IKR??!)
This week I've done it again.  I'm strongly suspecting that today will be a whole day TWO.  TWO days in one week.  Still, I know, sick, how can someone even call himself a Christian being like this?  Well, that's an equation I just can't unpack succinctly.  The Bible doesn't even unpack it.  Paul talks about the battle of two natures but then follows it up with "Who will set me free from this?  Christ Jesus will."  He doesn't specify if he's expecting this to occur in this life or the next or either which one.  I get the impression he's talking about the present timeline rather than "when I get to Heaven everything will be better"...  I don't know what sins Paul even refers to in that passage.  Paul was the closest thing to sinless that anyone can be.  His sins are not documented in scripture anywhere.  They're not even hinted at.  I get the impression that if Paul and I met he'd punch me in the face.
Anyway....I hope I can stay on the high road and if I do get tempted, at least try to make use of this "fighter verse" that my brotherly counselor instructed me to write on a 3x5 card.  Last couple times I fell I completely forgot about it.  The times prior to then I did not have the verse written down, even though I had the instruction to get it written down.

Metamovies ........

 Too much meta

Even The Exorcist was partly a meta film. Someone walks in asking "What is that those guys with the camera and everyone are doing?"

A: making a movie

Which one?

It could be any movie.

Well this movie came out in 1973. So it couldn't have been ANY movie...

What does it matter? It's just a movie.

What's just a movie?

Ok, let's say they're filming The Godfather...

That doesn't look anything like any scene from The Godfather

There's literally no legitimate resolution to such a conversation. Most movies made at the time of The Exorcist have little to no interest to modern cinema goers. You simply have to accept The Exorcist despite the dumbasfuck decision to have a character in the story who is an actress. She could have been been anyone --- any number of people who operate in the parameters of the REAL world rather than the hyper-circus life known as Hollywood.  

The Exorcist has outlived many films of and even after its day. The film that ushered in the "era of the box office", JAWS, was not half the film that The Exorcist is. 1976s THE OMEN was not half of what The Exorcist is. It'd be 5 years before horror audiences got a halfway decent horror film with INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. Modern movie goers in general had to wait a year less with George Lucas' STAR WARS. And I don't care what anyone says, if you can't appreciate the original film as it was structured (minor technical failures can and had been fixed loooooong before DVD and Blu Ray...) then you're an idiot. Unless you're Alec Guiness in which case you're just weird...in a weird way..

So ya, anyway.... There were some actually good movies that came out in the late '60s and early '70s that are void of pompous self serving "everyone wants to be meee!" garbage.

  I think THE GRADUATE was entertaining although the core ideas of the book by Charles Webb were a little less immediate since Dustin Hoffman was kind of dorky and gruff looking. The book was about having everything everybody wants and still not being satisfied. In the movie, Dustin Hoffman comes off as a man who doesn't seem to fit in his shell and is misunderstood by his parents and his parents' friends. But I can't fault the film for being void of style or being boring. 2001: A Space Odyssey was a really good piece of artistry on display. It stylistically told its ' story and seamlessly mixed elaborately extended montages. It is a little long and like anything else if you're not in the mood for it can be either boring or aggravating.

THE GODFATHER was extremely artful in its execution and was extremely entertaining although it fed into people's misconceptions about the Mafia life being this grande thing and gave people this bs notion that there is something honorable about being in a family of thieves and murderers.

Then THE EXORCIST. It would have been virtually perfect except for this one glaring matter that no amount of editing can undo.

So if Christianity isn't offensive and you're like most people, saying to yourself "What's the big deal?", then I'd strongly recommend giving THE EXORCIST a watch. And all of the films mentioned with any shred of good tidings are also worthwhile. But I can see some younger film goers being a little underwhelmed... filmmaking has, technically, evolved a good deal since those days but I do think the quality is still there regardless. The sensibilities of the filmmakers are not so far removed from todays' that it feels like it's hemmed in or constrained. I don't watch a lot of movies from the 40s and 50s because many of them feel very stripped, almost like I'm watching a stage production rather than a motion picture. Which I guess is probably how a lot of people feel watching most movies from before the 1990s. So ...idk.......... I guess it doesn't really matter.. :/

  

FB

 I don't remember exactly why but I reactivated my Facebook account a few days ago.

I've been just really hazy headed for the past 5 days+/-.  Maybe it's been longer than that, I'm not sure.  Days seem like they just tick by as unremarkably as sand passing through an hour glass.

Still having difficulty staying away from/fleeing immorality.  I was doing kinda sorta better the week before, I think, but not enough to cause anyone else to care.  Just the same as always; "You're going to die!!!, unless you stopppp!".  I have two people that counsel me.  The other guy is a bit more sympathetic toward me.  Neither one of them are hateful or anything but just this back and forth "You're saved. It doesn't matter what you do." vs "You better be afraid!". Idk.

I'm having an extremely difficult time being mindful of the sacrifice God made for mankind and the ramifications of it. Someone suggested I look into computer science or something and make a career out of that.  I was just thinking how painfully exhausted I'd likely be each day.  I'd go to work, come home and HOPEFULLY just go to sleep except I'd be wanting to enjoy some of the time I have on earth so I'd try listening to music but it'd end up being as cold and empty as anything else because I'd be too tired to pay it any mind.  Idk.  It might not be that bad.  But I don't know why anyone would pay for me to go to college.  Getting a loan for it at this point even seems unlikely.

For the sake of purity...

 

This post is kindofa two in one.  I started writing it and then while in the middle of it a friend called me.  

1)"To the pure, all things are pure, but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure; but both their minds and their consciences are defiled."

I feel like I'm stuck in a pattern of negative thoughts.  Even when I'm happy, there's still some negative something or other nestled in the midst of the scenery.

I don't know what I can do about this.  I read The Bible fairly regularly, probably not as frequent as I could and should.  I ask Him for more power and ability to be self controlled and willing to serve, to serve Him joyfully.  

2)My friend says he can see change occurring in me.  I can't see it but I'm trusting between his insights and, not least, God's power and GREAT LOVE for people ("...for God so loved the world..."), that I will be healed of my illnesses.

LoFl

 Lord of the Flies was contrasted with an actual incident from 1965, when a group of schoolboys on a fishing boat from Tonga were marooned on an uninhabited island and considered dead by their relatives. The group not only managed to survive for over 15 months but "had set up a small commune with food garden, hollowed-out tree trunks to store rainwater, a gymnasium with curious weights, a badminton court, chicken pens and a permanent fire, all from handiwork, an old knife blade and much determination". When ship captain Peter Warner found them, they were in good health and spirits. Dutch historian Rutger Bregman, writing about the Tonga event, called Golding's portrayal unrealistic

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_of_the_Flies#

Lord of the Flies presents a view of humanity unimaginable before the horrors of Nazi Europe, and then plunges into speculations about mankind in the state of nature. Bleak and specific, but universal, fusing rage and grief, Lord of the Flies is both a novel of the 1950s, and for all time.

—Robert McCrum, The Guardian.[7]

It really seems like people have too good of a view of mankind.
It also seems like people have too negative of a view of mankind.
Evil can and sometimes does eclipse or enshroud any perceptible goodness in a person.
However, people can be taught how to overcome evil with good.
I'd heard an old pastor quote some other guy saying of the concept of "necessary evil": "Evil becomes regarded as increasingly necessary and less evil"
People have had the attitude of "necessary evil" in regard to just about every perceivable act of depravity, from lying and cheating to sexual immorality and ultimately even murder (although abortion isn't murder, and when else has anyone ever felt justified killing another human being?).  When you take God out of the equation, as people, to varying degrees, tend to do, all bets are off.  And when I say "God", I'm talking about the God that IS DESCRIBED in The Bible.  Regardless of what "people say", The Bible is clear about who God is.  If you're confused about who God is at some point while reading it, there are plenty of people to talk to about different things.  People try to talk about The Holy Bible as if it's two separate writings.  It's not.  The Old Testament is not "The God of Wrath" who is replaced in The New Testament as "The God of Love".  God has always had a high standard and has always had compassion and understanding and has always expected people to trust Him. People today who reject what Yahweh has spoken will suffer the same fate as those who God told to take hold of the Promised Land and refused to do so, instead whining and crying about how evil they think God is. 
People are "basically good", to an extent.  It's not because people are incapable of evil, it's because God has provided instruction on how to live from the beginning when He created Adam.  People have since then taken His instruction and refused to acknowledge the giver OF the instruction, and have tried to tweak His instructions to suit their needs, just like the stereotypical Gordon Gekko - wannabe type who wants a bigger slice of the pie and ends up throwing their business partner under a bus to get it.  Who says there's anything wrong with THAT?!  Who?  Really, WHO?  You?  Why does Mr. BigShot care what YOU think?  Or what your friends and relatives, and/or your neighbor think?  Or his own neighbors and relatives for that matter?  You want something badly enough, whose to stop you from getting it other than your own ineptitude?  God doesn't force people to love Him and act in His ways.  If He did, life would certainly be EASIER for all of humanity...if only we had no free will, sure...
aaaaanyway....

the burning skindin (title added 3:07pm)

(I wrote this midmorning.  I added a random title at 3:07pm same day)

Ppl of the church I'm going to decided to gather around talking all cocky about the supposed differences between them and other Christians because of their interpretation of the "Sovereignty of God" / Calvinism described in Romans 9.

There might be some nuances of error or I could be entirely off base but the bottom line is man has the freedom to do what he wants but does not have the knowledge or wisdom to make the best decisions.  God could come down and say "Hey!  Stop going that way!", but He doesn't.  People end up going too far too long and they end up blinded by sin.  That blinding effect can be offset however.  My mom has always tried to instill in me generosity and kindness.  Neither of us practice either of those as well as we should but the affinity for looking out for others and such was part of my upbringing.  My mom didn't know what she was accomplishing in doing that.  But God knew, even before it was happening/had happened.  God was able to reach me because of that.  I can already hear people crying out "self righteousness!". Bull!  What am I "taking credit" for?  The work that other people have done?  And I say people, plural, because someone in my mom's life instilled that in her before she gave birth to me.  And so on.  

God could have, instead of saying "If you don't obey God, other people are going to get the wrong idea and go to Hell", which He does say in 1 Peter.  But in Romans 9, the emphasis is on God's omnipotence and the fact that The Holy Spirit seals believers with rock solid faith whereas other people are going to parish despite God's ability to save them.  There is no injustice with God.  God does not have to do everything conceivable to stop people from becoming evil.  He could, but He doesn't want to.  That is how I interpret Romans 9, because I'm not just looking at the paper and ignoring the world around me.  The Bible doesn't encourage people to detach their faith from their everyday observations.  Yes, our own bodies are at work against us.  The culture is to varying degrees polluted.  That's why The Bible gives clear instruction on how to live.  If your body says "Go to her", you have God's word saying DON'T.  If your friend says "come to the mosque", you know not to.  Does that mean your ability to see the mountains and your desire for peace and comfort are also untrustworthy?  Of course not!  The Bible doesn't say anything about giraffs.  Does that mean the devil put giraffs here?  

Ugh.  I'm probably not being very "nice" idk...

Crystalized

 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0141907/?ref_=nm_flmg_t_15_act

Town & Country (2001) just strikes me as a movie that was just after it's time.  I don't know why really but the NYC Jewish lineup of Hollywood stars such as him and Warren Beatty, Billy Crystal, and other guys whose names I'm not familiar with precisely because their time was just about ending when I got old enough to explore movies and find out about whose who.  People like Jack Nicholson and Al Pacino were still going strong in 1997/1998, but people like Billy Crystal, although I knew his name well enough, even he was on his way out.  He did one film before he was basically all but disappeared from Hollywood and since then he's basically been doing voice work for people who are too young to care who's who in anything.  I don't think anyone has anything against those actors, really...other than people who've always been dumbfounded anytime an actor gains any kind of starpower...but they have like an aesthetic that, just like any other, I guess, seems to have been pushed over to make way for a newer aesthetic.
I think some of it may be their NYC - ness...NYC used to be where it was all at.  Any town that wanted to be anything basically took its' cues from them.  Nowadays, all NYC is good for is Wall Street.  Nobody longs to visit NYC and experience all of the various hotspots.  And I think that might be because of a variety of factors.  The "back to the roots" strategy of people who have enough dollars and sense to choose healthy foods has probably opened people's eyes to the beauty of other, more natural, environments and I think there's been a moderate uptick in Christianity in that time and Christianity is against the materialism that NYC ultimately stood for and still does.  

Idk...I might be just basing all of this on my own small glimpse of what's going on, ie the people around me and things I've heard people say, which is not the greatest indicator of anything...Maybe NYC actually was still The Big Apple even in 2012, 2013 +/-  Maybe it's just me that's being drawn away from it.

Facebook is gone

 I deleted my Facebook account yesterday.  I don't even remember why.  I think I might have had a reason that actually makes sense............  I was seriously wanting to switch email to some other thing but I could not for the life of me figure out how to port everything over and I was having difficulty deciding how much I actually wanted to port over.  I was trying to delete unwanted passwords from my password manager on Google Chrome and the mobile browser was apparantly NOT taking me seriously.  :/

I've been grumbly all afternoon it feels like, more and more.  I need to lighten up and be grateful and joyous.  I really have virtually nothing to be grim about.  I think I'm more sleepy than I'd like to be so I can't take as much advantage of the things I enjoy in this life and of course this life should be all about service to God and my fellow man, but I'm honestly coming up blank regarding how to carry that out in this moment.  I'm just sitting here biding my time.  .....  I guess I really just need to go to sleep.  It seems ridiculously early and it doesn't make any sense to me to think that I need to sleep.  But idk, I didn't take my mental health medicine yesterday, and I am a freakin' weirdo (psychosis)...maybe that's as much explanation as I can expect.........

I wrote this down because I couldn't get my thoughts straightened out just thinking

I have been arrogant and have acted in accordance with it. Arrogance still lingers within me as I struggle to acknowledge the inherent goodness of your call to humility. I don't know how far I'm supposed to go in that. Am I wrong in wanting clear communication about pertinent issues or expressing my frustration in not getting them? I honestly don't know how to "gently restore" someone on this matter. I don't recall finding anything in Your words about communication. I lack the generosity and patience necessary to be content with this reality of the way my sister responds to what I say. I don't know how to ask you for it without doubting. How can I keep from doubting when your response is so difficult to discern? Yes, no, wait and maybe all look alike for at least a little while. Sometimes a rather long while. I feel like I'm a drain on you. It would not surprise me to find that you've spat me out already. I wish I were more rightfully sorry but all I feel is my own sorrow.  

The Associated Press doesn't like Tim Scott too much....

 https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/tim-scott-is-the-top-black-republican-in-the-gop-presidential-primary-here-s-how-he-discusses-race/ar-AA1gaG3Q?OCID=ansmsnnews11

I can see why the author of this article has such a scoffing tone (I'm probably not wording what I'm saying as articulately as I'd like...).  I don't know Tim Scott's position well enough to say much about it and even if I did it wouldn't really matter.  I can't expect to full heartedly agree with every fine point of any political figure.  And the topic of racism is not just one big header.  The fine points are what make it such a difficult thing to combat.  Yes, racism is still a problem in the U.S.  It's a problem in a lot of countries (If any country was ever guilty of systematic racism it was Germany while Adolf Hitler was its leader, and that's just one very obvious example outside of the U.S. government allowing -- and actually encouraging -- its citizens to participation in chattel slavery).  
I don't see how racism in the U.S. can be referred to as "systematic".  There is no law that says people to any extent need to or should be racist or do things to demonstrate racism.  There were laws on the books that were to that end, but they are no longer in effect.  They've been done away with.  Not by black people demanding it, but by black people calling to the attention of politicians (99% white) the need to do so.  And yes, it was a difficult fight.  Not because racists are obligated to make up a certain % of congress, but because the population has, and had even more at that time, a certain % of racists and congress is basically a sampling of the population.  If you want to know the social mores of the day, look at what congress is doing.  How much corruption is there in congress today?  There's probably just as much corruption going on in homes and businesses across the country in a much smaller scale.  How much racism is in congress today?  It's probably not much different across the overall U.S.  How many times does a congressman or woman use "the f word"?  It's probably not much different with the average joe (although most congress people don't use the f word publicly, at least not when they're on official business or on the campaign trail...That's probably more to do with their circumstances.  If you're trying to win people over, you don't generally say things that make people think you might be angry.  Even if the anger is completely warranted, there's always going to be people who think you're overreacting, no matter what it is you're angry about...).  
Anyway....  That's another thing that gets me, this talk of a "white savior".  What is wrong with a "white savior"?  Abraham Lincoln committed a crime by being white?  Or did he commit a crime by emancipating the slaves?  Should he just let the slaves do it themselves?  LBJ signed the voting rights act and the civil rights act.  Should he have stayed out the way instead?  That's like if a woman gets raped and Arnold Schwarzenegger comes in and pummels the guys ass and the woman says "Well, THANK YOU, but I don't need A MAN to help me!"  People who are in trouble need someone to save them.  Viola Davis was lambasting her role in the film THE HELP because it has a "white savior" in it.  I guess the journalist in the story could have been black and it would have such a better movie.......??

Spirit Fresh

 I was trying to communicate this a few+ years ago to some guys in a Bible study but they seemed skeptical of the idea.  I thought about texting one of those guys about it but I don't know if he's even alive anymore.  One of those guys I'm friends with on Facebook and he's no longer with us.  It's strange to think I have like 14 friends on Facebook and three of them are deceased.
Anyway, we were going over Genesis where, after Jacob, later known as Israel, meets God, he tells the members of his household to forsake their idols.  People in my Bible study were wondering how Israel knew that since The Ten Commandments were not written and the text says nothing about any conversations that God had with Jacob/Israel (as if The Bible were all that detailed about every little thing like that...).  I was supposing that meeting God would have encompassed obtaining that knowledge, for two reasons:

A) God is not an object, like people are.  People, even ones who are full of LIFE, contagiously exuberant, or otherwise emotional, are still largely objects.  Marrow, blood, skin, etc...  God is not only far more alive than any of us, but He is not bound by those constraints.  B) God is not a matter of consequence.  Who am I?  Who are you?  Many potential answers to that question are a sheer matter of happenstance.  Where does one work?  What foods do "like" to eat?  What is one's fondest childhood memory?  Who are your parents?  What are your sources of comfort?  All of these things, to varying degrees, are manufactured.  A person's "favorite food" is often limited by their region, as well as their economic status.  A lot of people can't afford to eat their FAVORITE food, so they might not even be thinking about that as an option.  What are your sources of comfort?  That often corresponds with what you're familiar with.  What you're familiar with is largely based on what other people around you are familiar with.  That's why music from 50 years ago is often very different from music of today but music from 5 years ago isn't all that different.  Innovations in music are typically very slight.  Yet these are "creative" types of people.  People who don't create music or any other kind of art simply hear what gets put in their direction.  Why some of it is liked more and some less or not at all is too complex to really unravel here.
As Samuel said to King Saul "...the Glory of Israel will not lie or change His mind; for He is not a man that He should change His mind"
When you meet God, you meet HIM.  You don't meet his skin.  You don't meet whatever mask He's wearing.  You don't meet a phony smile or any sort of pretense of confidence or whatever.  You don't meet his "favorite" color, or anything else that might change with the seasons, but you meet HIM, HIS ESSENCE!  His essence is that idolatry is forbidden.  He is a jealous God, an all consuming fire.  Undoubtedly Jacob did not meet God face to face, or He would have been evaporated ash.  There was some distance between Him and Jacob but Jacob saw enough of Him to see that idols were a hindrance.  When you see someone sincerely crying and you KNOW you did something to hurt them, you almost feel their pain.  At least I do.  That kind of honesty that only God has, and the empathy that man at least has the potential to have, that could be a more straightforward simple explanation of how Jacob knew about the evil of idolatry, but then again, I can't speak for Jacob, but I know that before I learned about God through the words and sentences in The Bible, that I had no idea idolatry was anything to be concerned about.  I don't even know if I knew what idolatry is.  After my mom converted to Christianity, I think I learned about it a little...of course, there's varying degrees and kinds of idolatry...   So I think my initial explanation is probably more plausible, although it does appear at least that the early humans, i.e.: Cain (the first recorded instance of murder) were better able to communicate with God.  Romans 1, although people I know interpret that as a statement about each individual person, I think, unless I'm some weird exception, that those verses that talk about people having an internal knowledge of good and evil and God making His invisible attributes evident to people, are more in relation to ancient humans.  Those verses may? still pertain to some more primitive societies...I think when Jacob was alive on Earth, that kind of osmotic communication may have still been effective enough to resound with people.  And I think some people, who aren't exposed to and surrounded as much by sinful influences, might be more able to receive God's communication than I was.

I don't really know how to "properly" close this...uh.....

telepathy

 I really get sick of people saying "Jesus said anger is the same as murder" or some variation of that sentence whenever the word "murder" ends up used in a sentence.  First of all, Jesus did not say that.  He simply said, in a nutshell, that you don't have any business applauding yourself for not having murdered someone, which lines up with the rest of The Bible.  The social taboo of murder is cross cultural and even if it weren't, God is the one who decreed to Jesus' audience (the descendants of Abraham and Sarah) that they should not murder and should love one another.  They probably did succeed in mastering that, inasmuch as anyone has, before or since, but there are times when a person simply ends up a violent rage and the only thing stopping them from murdering someone is the knowledge of the consequences, i.e.: public scorn, jail time and even death depending on the circumstances.  There are times also when a person might hold back strictly because they know it would grieve God, but, at least in my experience, those times are far outnumbered by the times a person holds back for the lesser reasons.  If you have not murdered, you probably still have sins in your heart, some of them may not be pressing issues that need constant scrutiny, but some of them might be, and even if there is no pressing sin that needs to be constantly battled until it is killed, A) you have no authorship over that and B) you are not exempt from the need of God and the propitiation for your occasional bouts of sin that Jesus The Christ volunteered to be so that we, all mankind, might find reconciliation with Father God and have fellowship with Him at His feet.
But murder and thinking about murder are simply not the same thing.  Murder *begins* in the heart, but it does not begin AND end there.  The seeds of murder are called malice.  Malice is malice.  Murder is murder.  The two words cannot be used interchangeably.  Scripture in some instances might use the two words interchangeably but people in the USA (and probably much of the rest of the world, I'd imagine, although I can't say I know that for a fact) don't talk with the same heavy handedness that The Bible is written with.  The Bible is constantly hammering home a point, in many cases it's hammering home more than one point at the same time.  When James says "You don't have so you murder", he's making an overall point, but he's also making a point just by use of the word "murder".  It is not a light thing to be angry at your brother or sister in Christ.  But not every word people in everyday speech say is meant to be scrutinized and double checked the way The Bible is.  If I say "murder", I mean the unjust taking of one's life.  Murder is not an act of telekinesis.

There is no 1, there is only 2

 https://m.imdb.com/title/tt5765844/?ref_=ext_shr_lnk

I can't imagine how this would NOT be confusing to people.  There IS NO Kung Fury.  So why is there a "2" beside the title??  Doubtless people are going to either figure they're not interested or else they'd have already seen "the first one" (which they'd haven't because they'd never heard of it, not because it was so not worth their attention but because IT NEVER EXISTED!!) or they're going to hold off on seeing it until they catch up by watching the original (again...they can't do this, not because "it must not be that important otherwise I'd have done it by now" but because it **does not exist**!)

I think the under 45 crowd probably is, for the most part, savvy enough to look this nonsense up on the internet and figure out the absurdity of this and accept it.  People over the age of 50... it's a little iffy.  And most of your JCVD knuckleheads are not young pups or anything.

SMH 

HOG by RCS

 Chapter 2 QA3)

In what ways do I need to be refined...

Obviously, there's the immorality I'm entangled in, and covetousness, etc.  There's probably a hefty dose of arrogance I could do without, and I could also stand to be less embittered by the bitter parts of my life, I'm not as forgiving as I should be.
I'm not sure how far I'm going to get being the kind of person who has no inward response to Isiah chapter 6.  All  I see in that passage is that God is unapproachable.  I don't understand how that in and of itself would even be valuable.  I can see how it would cause a person to disregard any qualms they have about God's decrees etc., but even that's a moot point, because God IS GOOD!  He's not just good because He says He is and everyone else is wrong.  We were not made to be banished from Eden.  We were made to be in communion with God.  It's not God's stuckupedness that is the problem we face in getting close to Him.  It's OUR *sin*  Maybe I'm off the mark here, to some degree or another.  I don't know what to think.

Discogs misshap pt 2

 I  requested one item be cancelled.  Seller took almost an entire 24 hours to reply and seemed to think I was being unreasonable in worrying that I was being ignored.  I suggested an easy fix to prevent this from happening again, to let people know in her seller terms that messages can take 24++(?) hours to receive a reply.  She responded saying I was being unpleasant and cancelled the rest of the order.  I don't understand how I was being unpleasant and when I asked her she said I was harassing her.  😒

Belated thoughts putting

 I was thinking a few days ago how Paul notes salvation as being a reward of sorts for the amount of work that we are required to put into it since it is not always an easy thing. And how it's also referred to as a gift, specifically *NOT*(!) a debt.

 I realized that theres a kind of layered truth at work here;

The gift is the cancelling of our debt to Him.  We as people can and sometimes do accomplish good things, but without our many many layers of debt being cancelled, He would owe us nothing.  Salvation is a gift first and foremost.  It is not to be trampled on.  It is secondarily a reward.  That is also not to be trampled on lest we become the least in the Kingdom. (Matthew 5:19).  We have so much to be thankful for.  May I be continually recognizing ever more how wonderful His gift of righteousness truly is.

Keep it a-jar

I don't understand how anyone can think of Donald Trump as a Christian.  Someone I know posted a meme saying not to judge people because they don't practice Christianity the same way.  I'll admit it's possible Donald Trump may end up in Heaven without any drastic overhaul of his position about things.  If I can be salvaged, given my slow-cooking feet-dragging repentance, I have no business assuming who will or won't be in Heaven.  But The Bible, at least to me, seems rather clear on the matter; you will not get into Heaven if you think you don't need to be saved.  If Donald Trump doesn't think he's ever done anything wrong, what is it he's trying to be saved from?  Other people?  "Judge not or you will be judged.  By the same standard you use, it will be measured to you".  If Donald Trump were not constantly verbally attacking other people, I'd say ok, he's forgiven other people, he's not comfortable living in a broken world, he wants saved from it,  he simply doesn't have a firm understanding about the nature of sin.  I can empathize with that.  However, if he's forgiven all the various people he's tweeted ugly demeaning things about, you'd think at some point he'd quit instead of finding new enemies.  Maybe he has.  I don't keep up with it that closely.

On the other hand, it's possible Donald Trump's seeming hatred of everyone who doesn't kiss his ats can be described the same way that blog post I put up yesterday was.  I don't hate my church.  I thought I'd made that clear, but I can see how some people might miss that nuance.  Gay people think they're being hated on everytime someone even hints that their gayness is disapproved of by God.  People who are rightly wrestling with their sexual deviancy are considered "hypocrites", and they are.  Any person who wants to be saved from the eternal damnation that God puts on people who don't ask Him for that salvation is a hypocrite.  That hypocrisy should decrease over time but sometimes giant logs like vindictiveness and sexual immorality can be virtually a lifelong process to pull away from.  I'd rather be a hypocrite than be 100% in agreement with a decaying world.

Everything I do...

 Sunday school teacher a couple weeks ago said that Christianity is dedicating everything you do to God.  I tried expressing my disagreement with that, pointing out an activity he enjoys, and how that activity does nothing for God.  But supposedly that's counted as part of that because "God wants us to enjoy ourselves". Totally beside the point.  I seriously don't understand how one can't distinguish the difference.  Non Christians enjoy themselves.  They do so regardless of whether they should.  I don't understand how that's any different with Christians.  If everything a Christian did were for God, having the power of the Holy Spirit indwelling, how is it possible for a Christian to sin?  People respond "Because we're sinful". You can't have it both ways.  You either live 100% for God or you don't.  The only other possibility for sins against The King is demonic possession.  It'd be one thing if God were some random guy that happened to be King, but He's not.  He's loving, He's kind, He's fighting for us and desires nothing for us except the absolute best.  How does one end up boasting or coveting or committing any of the extra evil sins of sexual immorality when God is one's King?  Technically God is everyone's king.  That is why every knee shall bow and every tongue confess it to be.  Because it is true, regardless of mankind's acts of treason.  Regardless of their faith or lack thereof.

It's really annoying going to church sometimes with all of the exaggerations and oversimplified statements.  I make myself sick thinking about them.  I don't know how to just accept all of it and move on.

dancing on the floor of a taxi cab

There's been a crack of progress in my daily living the past week or so.  I can't remember exactly what day I did what, but I remember, over the past 14 days, there's been *at least* 4 days where I wasn't blatantly sinning against The Lord.  I know I was on relatively good behavior Friday and Saturday of this past week.  It seems like I remember early in that same week, I was also on fairly good behavior, like Tuesday and Wednesday, I think.....I'm fairly certain it was the same week, and then of course the week before that I was probably well behaved one or more of the days of that week, too, so I'm definitely seeing progress.  I broke out of that narrow path midmorning today...I was in the middle of a Bible study yesterday and I had that gunk floating in my head.  I was kinda sorta planning on it.  :/

So I got some progress to be made for sure just in this one area.  My mind needs all this crap flushed out of it, but unfortunately the only way to accomplish that is a complete detox.  I just don't know how to do that.  If I were more of a reader, that might be completely doable.
God's been good to me.  He's always good to me.  I just need to learn how to be more contemplative, aware, of His goodness, and PRIASE Him for all of it!  And stop this madness(!)

Another Discogs adventure

 This seller on Discogs sent me a CD with cover art that just barely by all technical strainings of the truth could have passed as being "accurately graded" with no stated caveats or anything of the sort.  I contacted him, yes, broaching the possibility of a partial refund without needing to endure the cost of returning it, which many sellers do prefer but I didn't get any reply from seller after half a day of waiting so clarified that IF he is willing to pay for return shipping, I could return both CDs, but I didn't get any reply to that either.  Got negative feedback, seemingly because I didn't give up trying to communicate with him.  I opened a PayPal claim and an waiting for that to be resolved.  He replied to that basically citing Discogs grading  guidelines that say, in part, NM sleeves can possibly have very light wear...  

:/

Update 7/20/23

Seller replied to PayPal claim and said I needed to send them back.  I did that and then upon receipt, he discovers one of the CDs is scratched when it was sold as NM, and instead of accepting the possibility that he made a mistake,  accuses me of switching out the CD, which I never had any reason to inspect because I just assume until / unless I find otherwise that the underside of a CD I ordered is A) going to look like every other CD underside and will function just fine.  I returned the order because of the cover art of the other CD.  Those two issues are quite different.  One is about... not entirely sure really and the other is about aesthetic.  A CD with less than great condition cover art is not going to have as good an aesthetic.  A CD that's scratched performs every bit as well as one that isn't.

Anyway... this purchase was an overall trainwreck. :/ 

Saul, o now...

 I have been wicked to the extreme.  I have tasted The Lord's goodness and have continuously rebelled just as Saul did.  I find my heart moved toward God and then pushed away again.  I agree with mercy and love and then end up ok a rampage again.  I strip myself of evil and then bind myself to it again.  Wretched man I am!!  Please God, purify my mind!  I pray I'm not too little and late seeking You!

The freedom of religion and speech....

 

I cannot believe the generic arguments that people come up with.  Gay people are not forced to live out their gayness.  Black people literally have no choice.  Hating black people is akin to hating your own self.  Black people are human beings that deserve every bit of consideration that anyone else does.  Granted, with enough money, given the technology we have nowadays, changing skin color is not impossible but hatred of black people predates that by many centuries.  It makes no more sense today than it did in the 1600 and 1700s.

Communities do have a right to deter people that they don't want around from being there.  If all the business owners in the entire state of Colorado were discriminating against gay people, gay people have two options -- move out or consider repenting and then do so.  If they repent and they still are not wanted in their community then that's just wrong and despicable but the government has no business getting involved in that.  

If a gay person is unable to find service, that's because their choices are against the standards of the community they live in. Gay people don't by any means deserve the physical and verbal abuse they've suffered over the years.  The laws against physical assault and murder should apply to gay people just as much as they apply to anyone else.  The fact that Emit Till suffered the way he did is an injustice that can never be atoned for.  It is beyond atrocious.  I don't believe there's an adjective that can describe it.  The only thing that can suffice are the screams of a mother having lost her child.  And if I could insert the name of a well known gay person that suffered similarly I'd do that.  I'm not aware of one although I do remember reading about a case in a non fiction book I was reading back in highschool but the specifics escape me.

I don't think it'd be right or justifiable for a full line grocery store to reject a customer for being gay, but again, the government has gotten way too involved in this.  I've heard people call me much worse things than "ma'am".  I don't know how sympathetic the Biden administration or anyone in that school of thought would feel about me going to court because of all the people who scorned me and humiliated me when I was in high school.  I experienced hatred at the discretion of numerous people.  90% of it never did and never has counted as "hate speech". If I brought the other 10% to trial, when people erroneously referred to me as fg-- it would be of no help.  People need to recognize their error.  Deterring people from saying what they genuinely think is not helpful.

Aw, hell!

 I confess that I have difficulty fully agreeing with God's word..    I don't know if The Bible actually says this but it's Orthodox textbook understanding that every person who has ever lived either goes or went to heaven or hell and that nobody goes to heaven except people who trust in Jesus.  I don't know if that's true, but I believe it's true of me because I've hears the truth.  Weather it's true of other people is not relevant ultimately because it is a Christians 'duty to proclaim the excellencies of Him.  Believing the truth of God and dismissing that duty is, I don't think possible.  Granted, it is very possible to neglect the task, to have a greatness of difficulty recognizing and seizing opportunities as they arise, but to completely dismiss it and instead hide the truth for fear of condemnation of those who hear it is NOT in any way excusable.  You'd be trading your own salvation for a remote possibility that someone else might escape God's judgement on actions that they, if there's any lasting value in them, will recognize and repent of so that Earth will be a slightly better place to live in.  If enough Christians opposed evil, evil would cease its' grip.  But if the few devout Christians that exist refuse to do what they are ordered to do, to fulfill their very purpose in existence, to provide at least a smidge of return on the investment He poured into you/me, then what chance does life on earth have?  What chance will it EVER have?  The zeal of Christians jumpstarted orphanages, modern medicine, this nation [the USA](as rocky as it is these days, although everyone has it a lot better nowadays than the African Americans of 30-75 years ago (# of years more or less varies by the particular part of the area), even if their so profoundly spiritually def that they just don't know it or even care) and it's not because they kept their light hidden.  I personally am of the pursuesion that the world's end is at least somewhat near.. if I'm not a fugitive from the Antichrist by the time I'm 70, that's cool and it wouldn't greatly surprise me if I'm not, but I'd be at least a little surprised if my sister's grandkids, should it come to pass, live in security through their lives being Christians.  I don't know if my nephews will be saved, honestly, but I do hope so for their sake.  I hope my flaring tempers over the first couple years of my nephews lives hasn't got them off on the wrong foot.  🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

But regardless of my opinion, regardless of weather it comes to pass as I expect it or not, a revival is not out of the question.  If it is, no human being has any authoritative statement they can make about it.  God has His plans and such, but it's not over until it's over.

Maybe things are getting better? Dieting

 750y grape nuts

850 tuna and mayonnaise

600 on bread

350?? coffee

-------

2550

I was thinking I'd undereaten yesterday but I wasn't factoring in the giant mayonnaise ness ....  I didn't do real super bad tho, I don't think... I'm not sure how much grape nuts I'd had yesterday because I remember last night trying to hold off on eating because I felt like I'd gone way overboard with food... I don't remember if I broke down and had some grape nuts around 9:30+/- or 10ish or not... Those numbers are not concrete anyway, they could be bigger or smaller than they really are....

Today it's about 1800?? so far, I had a late breakfast with Mike and Jay and just now had some pasta... I'm not sure what the vanilla latte was , maybe 600? calories....  Hmm.  I very well might cross the 2300 mark but I might not.  I haven't had grape nuts today so I could do that for dinner but if not --   maybe oatmeal.  That's actually slightly more calories than grape nuts largely due to the syrup but it's way more filling 

The perfect wisdom;

 I was recalling a conversation I had with my oldest nephew, now 7, I think he was 5 or so when we were having this conversation I recalled...
  where I was telling him this whole world will be destroyed.  He asked me "Why?"  I told him that God is going to make everything better.  And I got to imagining other stuff that I would have said if the moment hadn't gone passed me, one thing was "He's going to fix everything that's not working"  And I figured he'd ask something to the effect of "Such as?"  And I had to think for a minute.  And the bottom line is people and their sinful inclinations and actions.  And I imagined him asking "Why?"  And I got to thinking -- there's really no explanation in The Bible as to why every living and dead human being is a sinner.  It really doesn't even specifically say that.  The man Job was described as being at least *almost* without sin, and the only occassion it describes him as having sinned -- or at least almost having sinned -- is when he starts doubting the fairness with which God has treated him, which I don't think God took any issue with particularly.  When God steps up and speaks in that writing, it doesn't sound as if he's really all that happy with Job, but He doesn't say what exactly Job did wrong or weather Job did in fact do anything wrong.  Seriously, there is nothing in that writing that says Job was guilty of sin.  Now, that's not to undermine the grace that I've been given, which is over and beyond what I have any conceivable right to expect; if anything, Job's lack of sin, or sinlessness, simply underscores the grace and mercy that God has bestowed upon me and millions of others throughout history, especially this point in history where evil of all kinds has infiltrated even the church!  And Enoch was taken up by God, never having to undergo death.  And if you were to assume that drunkenness has always been a sin, in any and all circumstances, then you could assume Noah was in fact a sinner, although, again, it doesn't say that.  I mean, I'm sure Noah, and Jesus' earthly parents were not doing everything the way God would have them do it.  I would imagine that they were all guilty of a harsh word from time to time, or a snap judgement that could have stood to have been more carefully considered,
But if every human being was and is guilty of sin, the question still remains: Why?  People have likened sin(s) as a force of sorts, like an infectious disease that people inherit, but The Bible doesn't say that either.  I do get the impression from The Bible, and especially hearing people talk of what it says, that sin is like a germ that grows.  I don't specifically remember this being indicated in scripture.  But you see Cain being urged to NOT LET SIN RULE OVER!  God said sin is crouching at your door.  MASTER IT!  But through the ages that capacity of mankind has been lost as has, for a very vast majority of people, the ability to clearly understand what God is trying to communicate to people.  

Anyway....   Just a random musing.  I actually started writing this over a week ago but then got caught up thinking about "the doctrine of election", which, as far as I can tell, is simply an acknowledgement and accepting of various passages in The Bible that reference and talk about election.  I have said this before, but I'm saying it again that I accept this reality but I don't understand it and I might as well speaking Pentacostian if I'm going to explain or talk about anything that I don't at least feel like I understand.  I don't appreciate it being "exposited" like it sometimes is, because all it does is give tangled up sinners like me an excuse to wallow in my weakness and iniquity, not even bother to try.  And The Bible is not just God talking about Himself for His own entertainment.  The Bible is instruction for humans.  It is more than that, I realize, but 75% of the Old Testament is exposition of God for human beings to live in accord with.  Things like God's election are like trying to explain the air quality of Heaven.  Or trying to write out an exact timeline of one's salvation.  I can write out a better timeline of my salvation and than I can an explanation for how it's mankind's fault for going to Hell when God is the one chooses their very capacity to even be aware of it.  Things that don't seem to make sense are exactly that.  The Bible does not say that every word in His book needs to be explained.  It needs to be read from and understood but there are simply things that we aren't going to understand.  That's all on that subject... until it comes up again because of my own obsessive mind........

your items are about to ship

 This really is annoying.
The items were shipped in one shipment.  And now that I've received the shipment, I can tell it's all one shipment, since everything is in the same box.  I looked again at the shipment notice email and it says there's two shipments, but they have the same tracking#.  I didn't notice that at first.  I don't know why it's divided up like that.  It just doesn't make sense.  The pkg info only needed to be inserted ONCE.  The second insertion makes it seem like they're shipping two packages.

I'm sure others have far more serious grievances against Target that they weren't able to get resolved and I'm not trying to compete with any of those, whatever they might be.  The really annoying thing is they don't make it by any means easy to get ahold of someone to constructively voice these concerns.  There's a team of people who are paid to keep bullshit like this from happening.  Yet I can't get ahold of them.  The only people I can get ahold of are "Oh, we can give you a refund?!", like that's going to change ANY thing...although the $20 refund they offered is nice, I guess it at least compensates for the mental discombobulation........

Genesis 1971-1973 & 1986-1987

I actually like TRICK OF THE TAIL through ...AND THEN THERE WERE THREE...  They don't really represent the true nature of what Genesis had been about, but more than that, there's a kind of sense of aimlessness that pervades those albums.  Those albums were appealing, IMO, but they lacked the sense of zeal that they had from NURSERY CRYME through SELLING ENGLAND BY THE POUND.  I don't get the sense that they were invested enough by the time  THE LAMB LIES DOWN ON BROADWAY was being written. It being a concept album distracts from the inconsistency and wobbliness of the overall work, but once you read into how the band was functioning at the time, and how much of the content originated, it becomes easier to notice that the center simply does not hold.

THE BEST OF GENESIS

Nursery Cryme

Foxtrot

Selling England By The Pound

Invisible Touch

Runners up:

Trick Of The Tail

Wind & Wuthering

And Then There Were Three

We Can't Dance

Honorable Mention:

The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway

Duke

Abacab

Ay, poco lips

 https://www.theringer.com/2016/7/12/16036422/new-ghostbusters-gender-wiig-mckinnon-e169d4fafbe

This article makes some good points.  I still don't like the film, personally.  This article points out most of, if not all, of the reasons.  Agreed tho, the ongoing dispute Yates had with the Asian cuisine establishment was funny.  Not funny enough to justify the $150+ million budget and the subsequent cost of a movie ticket (+ possibly the cost of concessions, depending on weather or not you want to do without popcorn or smuggle your own).  (imo)

First things

 I'd heard a commentator on the radio talking about how God created the world before He created man.  And how that's ultimately an act of provision.  Man never had to wait on God before having access to food and art.  Another thought came to mind also, how the Earth being here before man also reminds us of our dependence on something greater than ourselves.  The earth could be, in a way, somewhat of a metaphor for God Himself.  It's an incomplete metaphor but it's not super off.  And to think that we all know Earth was here before any human being.  Even scientists and atheistic philosophers, they know it in their bones.  It's something innate to our being that God has not let depart from us 

A communication barrier, perhaps...

 https://www.npr.org/2023/04/25/1171786870/rainn-wilson-urges-a-spiritual-revolution-in-his-new-book-soul-boom

I think it's sad that so many people are clueless as to The Bible's significance. It's God Himself speaking to us from Heaven. People think they've discredited it by saying "There were other religions before it" and citing all of the similarities between them and Judaism/Christianity. Name one of them that is based on words claiming to be from He who created the world and everything in and beyond it.

Many however are simply lost. The Christianese doesn't make sense to them and many people trying to sour others to believe don't seem to have any sense of understanding of the fact that if you haven't read The Bible and weren't raised in church then there's simply a great deal of anecdotal stories like what largely makes up The Old Testament and some of the New Testament. Genesis isn't meant to be a historical textbook. It does have historical facts in it but that's not the point. History is meaningless without your heart being in the right place. Otherwise people would be reading Church History 101 alongside The Bible like it's just a couple medium sized notches less important. Theology is also meaningless. Theories are just that - theories. If you've gained some insight into God's ways from reading The Bible and understanding it in some powerful way, then great!! That does not need to be preached. It does not need to be explained or talked about to people like it's a sin to disagree with it. What The Bible literally * says *, clear as day without any room for interpretation that's what needs to be focused on. People who go to a church without the cross placed in the center of the building or have church service with dramatic or musical productions are not needing to change churches. They need to be encouraged to stay in His word and bask in His goodness, all the more as much as they can.

I don't know. I understand regular people who go to work and focus on a series of small tasks can be distracted and unable to think clearly enough to present the gospel in an unmuddled succinct manner and not be snipey with people who aren't quick to understand the explanations given. However I've read a handful of highly recommended books and listened to pastors that people rave on about who can't seem to do that and...on one hand, I'm certainly not one to judge. Simply doing research for one sermon, let alone an entire book is more intensive than anything I've ever done and I should be more at peace with these matters and just accept whatever happens for none of us deserve to be saved. The fact that God's word landed on good soil and trickled down through time and space to reach my mom and then eventually me, and countless others, should be satisfactory, and more.

Romans chapters 6 through 8

 I was reading Romans Ch6 a little while ago, and, rightfully so, felt somewhat scolded by the lack of effort I've been putting into my sanctification.  I really had to latch onto the sheer hope that I AM indeed in Christ, since, if I were to merely focus on that chapter, I would not have much reason to do anything but blindly hope.  And I honestly don't think The Bible confirms that I am saved.  I don't know if I'm exhibiting the fruit(s) of the spirit.  Those around me might be better able to say, but there's only so much assurance I can have by the word of other people.  I mean, it's not as if Christians have never been wrong before...there's (supposedly) entire churches that are basically sending themselves to Hell...they certainly don't introduce themselves that way.  I personally am rather annoyed with this consistent belittling of "other churches" I keep hearing, but that's probably not relevant to anyone reading this...

 But it seems like Paul addresses the ambiguity of the Christian's state in Romans 8.  Which, as rotten as it is, does bring me a sense of hope for myself.  I do need to do a better job at laying aside the muck that lurks and flails about within me and say "NO!" to all that.  It is rather selfish to not do so.  I hope I can sometime sooner than later, today perhaps, and onward, find a willingness to say "NO!", to quit giving grimy sins the upperhand.

For my good and His glory.

 

Scream VII; I think we're getting a little off course here (?)

 From a business standpoint making a SCREAM 7, 8, 9 & 10 etc , would make perfect sense.  Until a decent script can't be conceived or the audience loses interest, it's just a logical move to keep on with the franchise.  But I think we're encroaching a point where the audience of the SCREAM movies is "taking their love of scary movies too far". Not necessarily being guilty of the crimes of Billy Loomis, but at what point do you get from the point of sympathetic listener to a point where you're paying money to hear your patient cry?  To be clear, I don't think we've reached that point *yet*. SCREAM VI looks to be a very well thought out skillfully made film but I'm wondering how much milk this cow is really able to produce before it gets poisoned and people continue to drink it 

Maybe I'm way off base.  I've read that readers and viewers of horror genre work are actually more sympathetic than many other people and it's possible I'm merely projecting my own feelings of trepidation based on my own fear of myself.  However, there have been numerous instances of people donning the "Ghostface" garb and actually killing other people.  At least some of those people were stuffed with hallucinogenics but not all of them.  And I'm not aware of anything really recent.  And there's always the question of Would they have done it anyway had these films never been made?  In some of those instances I'd say probably yes.  In others I'm not really sure at all.

Rev. lyrics "Great Is Your Faithfulness"

 Great is Your faithfulness, O God my Father;

There is no shadow of turning with You;

You never change Your compassions are always;

As You have been You forever will be.

Refrain:

Great is Your faithfulness!

Great is Your faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see:

All I have needed Your hand has provided—

Great is Your faithfulness, Lord unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,

Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Your great faithfulness, mercy, and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endures all,

Your own dear presence to cheer and to guide,

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow—

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

ceremonially unclean

I remember several passages in the Mosaic law that talk about ceremonial uncleanliness.  One of them was directed at women who'd given birth.  A commentary suggested that God gave that as a blessing so that the mother could have time to bond with the child, which, especially when compared to most people back then, is a heaping helping of compassion doled out by God.  But I have to wonder why He didn't just say that and instead used the word "unclean"  I have to suspect that it's intended to remind us that life wasn't always this way and should not always be this way and doesn't have to always be this way.  In the curses given by God at the fall of mankind, it was declared that childbirth would be much more painful and, prior to the fall, it was stated by God that YOU WILL SURELY DIE.  Neither Adam nor Eve died immediately after having eaten the apple (edit: fruit; Yes, I know The Bible doesn't specify what kind of fruit...), and by today's standards, Adam lived a ridiculously long time, but he did eventually die.  Simply the physical reality of death is absolutely repulsive and horrifying.  Consider the decomposition process.  There's something fascinating about it for sure, but it's not good by any means.  It looks as vacant and sad as you'd think.  And some people wax philsophicaly about "bringing a child to this cruel world"  How about bringing a child into the world that's already dying before it ever had a chance to think about it?  I think God considers all of these things.  These are not light,airy, flippant matters to Him.  

I could be mistaken in my musings.  I don't have the confidence in myself and the airtight closeness to God to declare these things like they're absolutes.  But it does seem like a worthwhile set of things to ponder, if you wanna.

ever more, the faith, in front

 Romans chapter 6, been reading that this past week at the behest of my counseler.  He urged me to extract one principle from the text and try to apply it.

What shall we say then?  Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase?  Far from it! How shall we who died to sin still live in it?

I confess to You, Lord God, Almighty, that I have not been a good steward of the faith you have showed me.  You have been lavishly kind to me and I have been almost cruel to you, callous for sure, and I ask that You would forgive me for my iniquities and my shallow and short sighted mindset.  Please strengthen me and deepen my love and faith in and for You, so that I may prove myself to be Yours, and not be ashamed at your coming.

in Your Sons' Mighty and Wonderful Name I pray these things.
Amen.

Sense and senselessness

 Romans 6 "You were reaping shame and death by the sins you committed.  Now quit and serve your Lord, Jesus!"

I don't fully understand this bit of scripture.  I guess my heart is not as invested in Jesus as it should be.  I succumbed to sinful carousing this afternoon and I'm already feeling the effects of it.  I read Romans 6 and it just doesn't have the same beautiful ring it did yesterday.  I wish I could &/or would exercise some common sense!!  If nothing else, this chapter faces me with the knowledge that I have been a very poor servant of God, and if Christ hadn't died the horrible death He did, I'd be not only unable to be offered such a position but *if** I were able to apply for the job under such an alternate set of circumstances, I would have been disqualified from it.  Not today, per se, even....my disqualification would have happened years ago.  My emphatic redundant mutterings of "Thank You, Jesus!!!!" ring hollow.  I should be wailing with sorrow.  I am not breathless and knocked out by the beauty and sorrow of "Good Friday", as one of the associate pastors reminded me this past Sunday.  :/

Aw, seriously

 I know Ghostbusters would have / could have been a breakout role for Ernie Hudson, but it wasn't.  I understand him being sore over the whole thing, being re-written as a character to appear midway through the film etc., but it just seems like he's being a bit pompous for no apparent reason about GB4.  Ghostbusters fans know who Ernie Hudson is.  Nobody else even knows who Ernie Hudson is because nobody else freakin' cares.  Lots of actors are in the same boat, working for decades and never getting much other than a steady paycheck or two here and there.  1987's LEVIATHAN had Ernie Hudson in it and because he was working alongside other quasi unknown actors, and he had just done GHOSTBUSTERS a few years prior, his name was worth putting on the marketing materials.  By 1989, when GHOSTBUSTERS II came out, it was probably welcome info, pre wifi etc., to have Ernie Hudson's image on the poster, since, for people who were really into GB1 (Ghostbusters fans), it felt kinda weird at best to think of GB2 without Ernie Hudson.  Most audience members probably didn't care enough for that to solidify or shake their anticipation of the film, and the poster art reads a rather impressive list of names anyway:

BILL MURRAY
DAN AYKROYD
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
RICK MORANIS

Honestly, Harold Ramis' name probably didn't need to be on there either, because most people don't know who he is, except real rarified film buffs, since most of his contributions to cinema are bts.  But I'd imagine they just put his name on there anyway, because he was something of a bigshot as far as Ghostbusters is concerned.
Bottom line is I don't believe Ernie Hudson is being singled out or any more mistreated than any other second or third tier box office draw.  To think the studio has any ill feelings toward him, I just don't get it.  If he doesn't want to be in GB4, for whatever reason, I'd imagine the studio probably will refuse to make the movie and then before you know it, being a Ghostbusters fan will be synonymous with funneling money to neo-Nazi lobbyists

ptth

Managed to blow over $150 this month.  How ever does he do it?  And I didn't even donate anything to charity.  Am I happier now?  Eh....not...........really?  maybe?  I honestly don't even know what the answer to that question is......I suppose the real question is AM I $150 worth of happy-er now?  The answer to that is.............I don't think.....probably..not....maybe....I strongly doubt it.

For the time being, now that I have no money to steal from God, I'm....uh...kinda, determined to tithe a tithe and maybe give a little bit of an offering once I finally get money, but.......I mean, yeah.................Will I actually do what I should once the time comes or will I bow into idolatry and friendship with the world?  I............don't know (?!)

Dkhd the Saga continues

 My inclination of perverting God's design continue to get in my way.  This past week, idk if I've made any discernable progress....I don't think it was any worse than the week before, but.........eh...
One good thing about this past 8 days is I didn't defile the New Covenent Sabbath in that way....   I just got done incurring guilt b/c that's just the kind of dumb crap that I do sometimes.........................

If I can go Tuesday, Wednesday and Thrs w/o fkn up, I'll maybe cut myself some slack, as I get the impression from hearing other people talk that I should....My sister cites that passage "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man" as meaning that my predicament is not to be considered a sign of hellboundness, but then one guys that tried counseling me and gave up with it somehow managed to get me thinking that the verse meant the exact opposite of what I'd always been told it meant.  

(sigh)

three out of 6...is.... not particularly good

 Well.....I didn't read any of The Bible before trying to go to sleep (unsuccessfully).  I think I'm still, overall, doing slightly better than I was last week......which admittedly isn't saying much.........

a little better

 I've felt less bitter this week, although I've somehow got this sad feeling that me and my sister are not on good terms.  I don't really understand it or know what the solution is.  She says she's not mad at me.  ??

The week started off rocky in regard to my inner evil, I started off of course with Sunday, which was a double header of sorts.  I had church, and then a really great Bible study afterward and I came home and between being a bit fatigued and, me, I ended up giving in sometime at night, I don't really remember what time.  Monday I did OK, although I don't think I was reading The Bible enough.  I was around other believers again on Tuesday, and as I suspected, I came home and fell again.  However -- I took precautions and requested a ride to the Wednesday night church service, and managed to close out the day without the inner evil roaring its head and devouring me.  I stumbled a bit a few minutes before midnight Thursday (it's just barely Friday as I write this now...I really should be in bed......:/ ) but, honestly, I was just wasn't interested.  I was more interested in companionship and the notion of physical contact but I didn't see any indication of that occurring.  The sight of all the crazy videos for surveying was more cringe inducing than anything else.  Perhaps Jesus Christ has transformed my heart at least partway, already(!?!!)  It's really hard to say, because there's times when I'm like this, thinking clearly and doing a halfway decent job at behaving logically and then there's other times that I feel like a frog, just floating above the water like I have nowhere to be.

I need to read some of The Bible before I go to bed or be extra vigilent about reading it in the morning before I get busy with the day(!), so the bits of seed I sowed in my brain today don't sprout into a monster.  Even though I wasn't interested in that moment, I don't think that's a permanent reality.  Like I said, I've felt that way before.  In fact, I'm usually not interested in that sort of thing.  I go most of the day occupied with other things, things that aren't a direct affront to God, but then my mind goes that direction and I find myself moving closer to destruction in mind and then body and then in deed.  It's like my counselers keep telling me -- CLING TO CHRIST!  I know reading The Bible can be done in kind of a surface manner, without a whole lot of engagement, so that is something I need keep in mind to do my best to avoid, and instead try to be THANKFUL and submit my petitions to HIM and look brightly toward the future, not dimming my mind and being all gloomy etc.

Sour

 This week has been rather sour.  I've felt betrayed several hours of the week, recollecting various hurts.  I've also been rather sleepy.  A few days of the week, I ended up sleeping 12 hours.  I think I actually slept more than that one day.  Then of course, my travels to the parts of my brain that contain almost every conceivable hedonism which have been more frequent lately.

I hope things look up soon.  

Doubts... even here

 Borrowed from a Joy Division song title.  I haven't been really doubting my salvation because I just haven't been thinking about it.  When I do think about it, it seems presumptuous to make a distinction about it.  If salvation rests entirely on the finished work of Jesus, then it's a coin - toss as to whether or not I'm going to Heaven or Hell.  Jesus didn't save EVERYONE and The Book Of Life has not been published.  

And I'm still struggling with attraction to Satan's perversions.  I keep praying for God to transfer me from that domain of thinking.  If this period of limbo, uncertainty is all of Hell that I experience in my existence I am indeed beyond fortunate.

Edit (2/2); Choose to be chosen

 I keep coming across these dual realities that are referred to in The Bible, but are usually referred to as individual unique truths that have no relationship to each other.

Exodus 10:27 "But the LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he was not willing to let them go."
https://www.gotquestions.org/today-if-you-hear-His-voice.html

Mark 1:15 "And saying, “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.”"

Ephesians 2:8-10

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."

One pastor noted that God's "providence" is practically screaming out of the pages of scripture.  If one gets the impression that we have free will but we also don't have free will ("It doesn't have to make sense!") it's only because we are aware beyond the truth of our own abilities how much control we have and need to be humbled.

I probably don't really have much point in saying any of this.  My sister thinks God could be, and possibly is, utterly detestable for all we know because He's holy and thus exempt from judgement.  Other people I talk to don't seem to think there's an issue with God flippantly rejecting some people and not others.  My church's worship leader stood up and said "There is no reason that God chose you".  Yea......

NO, NOOO!

 https://www.blu-ray.com/movies/Nope-4K-Blu-ray/320287/

"Collector's Edition" --- as opposed to what????  It's the ONLY edition!!!!!!!!!! ??!

I resumed watching this movie a couple days ago.  Still have almost an hour left.  I started watching more of it today but then I had to go to the bathroom and I didn't feel like rushing back to the TV.  This movie is an interesting piece.  It's got some genuinely disturbing moments and an overall feeling of dread.  The only thing I don't like about this movie is it's got some subplot(?) about an episode of a TV show being filmed unsuccessfully, and I don't think the filmmaker necessarily needed to resort to making a piece of pop culture ABOUT pop culture.  Movies should be about things that naturally exist.  The heart of man does need an overlapping running commentary.

Your request for burial insurance can't be processed at this time

Cool plastic on marble countertops telling me I'm not all that, not tall enough, couldn't ever be tall enough

To you, I'm never tall enough
To you, I'll never be tall enough

Red writing on wooden faded walls reading me a story that I can't quite hear, couldn't ever understand it

To them, I'm never smart enough

To you, I'll never be smart enough

Big sound on bigger recess stops telling me I'm not all good, not good enough, couldn't ever be loved enough

To you, I'll never be loved enough

To you, I'll never be loved enough

To me, I'll never be tall enough

To me, I'll never be smart enough

To me, I'll never be loved enough

To me, I'll never be loved enough

It's never enough

Doing better......kinda.. ish..

 I managed to keep my hands off myself through this weekend, a whole whopping TWO days!!  I stumbled and fell this afternoon a couple hours ago after my mind had been veering farther and farther into mucky thinking.

I started today off ok.  I caught up on Bible reading.  I'm on a get-through-The-Bible-in-a-year plan recommended by my counselor.  He recommended a specific one but it happens to be the same as another book that my mom gave me for my birthday a few years ago that I pretty much gave up on after a couple years of half heartedly trying to get through it, without success......  I started just plowing through it.  I realized as I was reading it that I should have prayed first.  I did that eventually, about midway through.  I should have been more thorough with it, tho.

I really hope this week isn't as bad as last.

Still anchored in schitt

 I started out ok.  Don't we allways?  I let the morning get away from me.  And then my mind started going places it shouldn't... and so forth.  I finished and went to bed.  I figured someone would be coming by to pick up something I'd posted for sale, so I kept an ear out for my phone to figure out if they were on their way.  After they arrived and picked up the stuff, I went to sleep and slept for over an hour.  Not a great qty of sleep but I was so ready for it.  As per my usual, I attempted to go to sleep before I gave way to temptation, and didn't succeed.  I really hope this coming week turns out better.

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

It's been

 a wild and turbulent week.  I sunk like the Titanic Tuesday afternoon.  Satanic desires started leaking from my fingertips and took over like a tsunami, avalanching as I went along.  I did a little better yesterday which isn't saying much.  And likewise today.  I don't know if I'll ever get out of this rut.  I don't have the discipline and general propensity for wise thinking necessary to do what I think I need to do.  Which is read The Word!!!  I read a chapter and I know I'm not done but I never find a "good enough" moment to continue reading.  I need to feel more urgency about this.  This is really disconcerting.

1/20 already?!

The church I've been attending for the last couple years is a truly grounded church.  It is anchored in Christ, and it is truly endeared toward His word.  This concept of "election" keeps being brought up, without ever being exposited, except to say "God does whatever He wants.  Who's to judge?"  By that logic, why would anyone ever feel a negative emotion about ANYTHING??  Everything happens by his will, so who cares if I get butchered into pieces and eaten and shat on while I'm still alive?  Why would I care?  It's God's will!  Not only would a Christian be not un-OK with it, they'd be PRAISING Him for it!  "You, God, who only bring about GOOD things, are accomplishing something miraculous in this situation!"  The ONLY good that could POSSIBLY come from that scenario is the understanding of the wrongdoer in this scenario is the victim's faith in God shines brighter and changes the mind and heart of the person who's doing wrong and they repent and continue believing in what they witnessed.  That's not a given.  That's not an un-given.  But it's not a given.  God tells us to turn the other cheek, so that, as Paul explains his epistles, people with evil intent may be put to shame, and even if they shamelessly continue pursuing evil, they will be without any conceivable excuse.  It won't be "well, you didn't exactly help the situation"  They may have that to say about other people, but Christ's children should not be in on that.  We should be compassionate in understanding that they are in danger if they continue acting evil.
But what is EVIL?  God has HIS definition.  But do we have ANY CONCEPT of what that word means?  Or do Christians just parrot what God says?  Surely, there's a part of us that knows at least some of the things that make up right and wrong.  The sexual immorality laws of The Bible are more foreign to natural man, they don't SEEM to make much sense, but the fact of the matter is that God will more likely than not withhold blessing from people that partake in it.  But every other facet of God's law is beyond fair.  Not "fair" because God says it's fair.  Fair because WE, mere mortals, recognize the goodness of it.  Had the Israelites kept God's law, as He says to the people who are entering the Promised Land, they would have attracted people throughout the world because they'd be like "Wow, these laws are so fair and just.  Who HAS laws like these?!"  They'd be joining the faith left and right.  It didn't work out that way, obviously because of Israel's repeated and exceeding rebelliousness toward God.  But the early Isrealites still understood the goodness that was in His word, even if they didn't feel the full weight of it.  People sang praises to Him repeatedly throughout the early books of the Old Testament.  Is that because God TOLD people He's good or is that because we are able to identify what IS *GOOD*?

So, no.  I don't believe God's goodness is outside of our ability to judge.

I emailed my pastor about this yesterday and got a response.  The response made sense, kind of...

The annoying thing about this is I tend to look for a way out of owning up to things.  If it's not my fault, I don't have any intention of being blamed for it.  I don't have any intention of paying for something that isn't mine.  Sure, I'll give to those in need, as long as I'm not depriving myself, but I'm not going to give someone the satisfaction of pinning their ill will on me.  So if I don't feel like pulling my hair westward toward Eden, I'm fine thinking "Well, God's in control.  I don't need to worry about it."  Except I'm not fine with that.  That's my tendency, but I always have a sneaking suspicion that I AM ABLE.  He IS ALSO ABLE, to what I should do, and to pay the price of my NOT doing what I should do, and far more than I can even imagine, but I AM ALSO ABLE to do A LOT.  True, I am not the creator of the world.  True, I don't know literally everything or even understand as much as I perhaps may like to, but THE CHRISTIAN LIFE is not about TRUSTING IN GOD.  The CHRISTIAN LIFE is about LIVING **FOR** GOD.  You trust in God when you FAIL TO live for Him, but inasmuch AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU, PURSUE GOOD WORKS AND CARRY THEM OUT DILIGENTLY.  I don't understand people who are constantly "not relying on good works".  Yes, your good works won't save you.  How the heck could they?  They DO, however, earn favor with God.  In Heaven, we're all equal, maybe, I'm not sure if that's stated in scripture, but on Earth there are indeed consequences for evil and neutrality.  I don't think those consequences are just "The natural order of things".  Those consequences reflect how God feels about you because of WHAT YOU'RE DOING.  I wish I could just preach this to myself, but one thing I'm maybe too good at is not deferring to my own thinking.  My feelings are indeed strong, but my thoughts are just more like "I'll take that into consideration"  Obviously it has to make sense in order for me to consider it.  I'm not going to "have faith" in something that literally makes no sense.