three out of 6...is.... not particularly good

 Well.....I didn't read any of The Bible before trying to go to sleep (unsuccessfully).  I think I'm still, overall, doing slightly better than I was last week......which admittedly isn't saying much.........

a little better

 I've felt less bitter this week, although I've somehow got this sad feeling that me and my sister are not on good terms.  I don't really understand it or know what the solution is.  She says she's not mad at me.  ??

The week started off rocky in regard to my inner evil, I started off of course with Sunday, which was a double header of sorts.  I had church, and then a really great Bible study afterward and I came home and between being a bit fatigued and, me, I ended up giving in sometime at night, I don't really remember what time.  Monday I did OK, although I don't think I was reading The Bible enough.  I was around other believers again on Tuesday, and as I suspected, I came home and fell again.  However -- I took precautions and requested a ride to the Wednesday night church service, and managed to close out the day without the inner evil roaring its head and devouring me.  I stumbled a bit a few minutes before midnight Thursday (it's just barely Friday as I write this now...I really should be in bed......:/ ) but, honestly, I was just wasn't interested.  I was more interested in companionship and the notion of physical contact but I didn't see any indication of that occurring.  The sight of all the crazy videos for surveying was more cringe inducing than anything else.  Perhaps Jesus Christ has transformed my heart at least partway, already(!?!!)  It's really hard to say, because there's times when I'm like this, thinking clearly and doing a halfway decent job at behaving logically and then there's other times that I feel like a frog, just floating above the water like I have nowhere to be.

I need to read some of The Bible before I go to bed or be extra vigilent about reading it in the morning before I get busy with the day(!), so the bits of seed I sowed in my brain today don't sprout into a monster.  Even though I wasn't interested in that moment, I don't think that's a permanent reality.  Like I said, I've felt that way before.  In fact, I'm usually not interested in that sort of thing.  I go most of the day occupied with other things, things that aren't a direct affront to God, but then my mind goes that direction and I find myself moving closer to destruction in mind and then body and then in deed.  It's like my counselers keep telling me -- CLING TO CHRIST!  I know reading The Bible can be done in kind of a surface manner, without a whole lot of engagement, so that is something I need keep in mind to do my best to avoid, and instead try to be THANKFUL and submit my petitions to HIM and look brightly toward the future, not dimming my mind and being all gloomy etc.

Sour

 This week has been rather sour.  I've felt betrayed several hours of the week, recollecting various hurts.  I've also been rather sleepy.  A few days of the week, I ended up sleeping 12 hours.  I think I actually slept more than that one day.  Then of course, my travels to the parts of my brain that contain almost every conceivable hedonism which have been more frequent lately.

I hope things look up soon.  

Doubts... even here

 Borrowed from a Joy Division song title.  I haven't been really doubting my salvation because I just haven't been thinking about it.  When I do think about it, it seems presumptuous to make a distinction about it.  If salvation rests entirely on the finished work of Jesus, then it's a coin - toss as to whether or not I'm going to Heaven or Hell.  Jesus didn't save EVERYONE and The Book Of Life has not been published.  

And I'm still struggling with attraction to Satan's perversions.  I keep praying for God to transfer me from that domain of thinking.  If this period of limbo, uncertainty is all of Hell that I experience in my existence I am indeed beyond fortunate.

Edit (2/2); Choose to be chosen

 I keep coming across these dual realities that are referred to in The Bible, but are usually referred to as individual unique truths that have no relationship to each other.

Exodus 10:27 "But the LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he was not willing to let them go."
https://www.gotquestions.org/today-if-you-hear-His-voice.html

Mark 1:15 "And saying, “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.”"

Ephesians 2:8-10

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."

One pastor noted that God's "providence" is practically screaming out of the pages of scripture.  If one gets the impression that we have free will but we also don't have free will ("It doesn't have to make sense!") it's only because we are aware beyond the truth of our own abilities how much control we have and need to be humbled.

I probably don't really have much point in saying any of this.  My sister thinks God could be, and possibly is, utterly detestable for all we know because He's holy and thus exempt from judgement.  Other people I talk to don't seem to think there's an issue with God flippantly rejecting some people and not others.  My church's worship leader stood up and said "There is no reason that God chose you".  Yea......