Some

 (EEEH)  I was doing better Saturday and Sunday at not diving headifrst into sin(!) but the chain of amazing-ness (rolls eyes) was broken this afternoon  :/  (!!!)  I hope I can chisel another couple "good" days into my week....maybe even (!GASP) THREE good ("good") days......... (and the crowd goes woah!!-----😮)
I spent the first 3/4 of church just very much feeling a wave of pushback.  I could relate to the ideas in the guest preacher's sermon.  I can tell he has somewhat of the same struggles I have to love and serve God, albeit not with the same degree of severity.  I had just enough hope after his relating to sing the closing hymn.  I felt like a vibrating stone until I got about halfway through the sermon and something slightly akin to hope & peace started piercing through the darkness of my mind.

I got a new credit card in the mail today.  It was only a $350 credit line ($301 available credit to begin with because of the annual fee).  I still have $100 of that remaining but I don't think that's going to last.  I'm not even sure if it's up to date really.  I'll have to tally everything up.  It wouldn't too terribly surprise me if I only *should* have $75 available credit.  On the plus column, it wasn't like I spent $200 on futile rounds of self-discovery or whatever..........Probably more like $125...

I was thinking about what are THE BEST movies.  I don't like to count movies such as THE EXORCIST that are, to an extent, telling a story about some other movie that doesn't even exist.  The main character, as you might recall, was an actress and there was an entire scene that consisted of some imaginery filmmaker filming an imaingary movie.  If everything that mankind has ever known collapses and we have to rebuilt from scratch, and stumble upon an old crusty print of THE EXORCIST, how the heck are we going to have any context?  That is not TIMELESS cinema.  That is very much OF the times cinema.  THE BEST movies can be appreciated by everybody, regardless of their level of education or quantity of experience.  I think THE EXORCIST achieves that despite its' meta qualities, but I don't think it's THE BEST movie.  Probably could very well fit somewhere on the top 50, but I wouldn't put it in the top 10, I don't think....

1)  BRINGING OUT THE DEAD (1999)  Aside from GHOSTBUSTERS (the most "me" film ever), this is probably my absolute favorite movie.  It's very slow, it seems twice as long as it is, but none of it was boring.  It has a very ghostly feel to it, very sad and eerie.  A beautiful looking film, richly layered cinematography.  I don't expect most people will feel of it the way that I do.  I don't know why I find it so appealing.  Supposedly a lot of people who've been paramedics can relate to it better than others, but I have never even considered being a paramedic.
2)  REQUIEM FOR A DREAM (2000) Definitely not boring.  Maybe lacking a couple degrees of realism, somewhat cartoonish, maybe, but the same could be said of many films over the decades.
3)  12 ANGRY MEN (1957) I actually saw the remake by William Friedkin first, not knowing anything about it.  The premise is of a character who takes his duty as juror seriously and skillfully convinces his co-jurors, who exhibit varying degrees of apathy, to re-consider their knee-jerk guilty verdict.
4)  CARRIE (1976) I wanted to like the remake better, given how timeless the story is, and how it doesn't really hurt anything to re-posit the story in a modern day setting.  However, the cell phones are about the only indication of this "modern" retelling.  What I found most at odds was they tried to tell a fairly simple straightforward story differently than it had already been told.  It's a more realistic film in some ways, but it still retains the cartoonish portrayal of Margaret White, tho she's not AS cartoonish as Piper Laurie's portrayal was.  The writers seem to be at least guessing as to what might have motivated the main character to latch onto whatever superstitious sect of Christianity she had with such fervency.  It also ups the ante on the cartoonish portrayal of the "evil" teenagers.  The original was cartoonish, with all the characters, not just the villains.  As much as today's kids might require a more up to date wardrobe and tech presence, it's one unified piece of storytelling.  Nothing is out of place.
5)  SCANNERS (1980) This film is AMAZING. It's fairly standard to begin with, but the climax is...I mean, it's just....wow.  It's a visually stunning spectacle.  It's not like all random artsy rainbows abound or anything like that.  It doesn't break into a painting or something, it's just....idk.  You might be underwhelmed now that I'm talking it up so much.  Just take it from the beginning and see.  Maybe you'll totally disagree.
6)  MYSTERIOUS SKIN (2004)  It's just one of those transcendent film experiences that you'll have to experience yourself.  You might not agree, but I honestly don't know how else to explain it.
7)  GROUNDHOG DAY (1993) Hilarious as all get out, and provides plenty to chew on mentally.
8)  THE SPECTACULAR NOW (2011) It kind of reminds of Mysterious Skin in its raw emotional power.  I don't really know what to say beyond that.  Not *quite* as good, but definitely up there in the ranks.

I might update this list at some point.  There's plenty of other good movies out there.  I really should not still be awake.  I've been up since 5am.  It's now almost 9pm.

!!? XXVIII

 Still struggling to be "the elect", if that makes a damn bit of sense...

I found some helpful notes in John MacArthur annotations of The Bible.  I kept reading Luke 5:39 and void of understanding.  I don't know why that's included in The Bible.  I can only assume it's information that should inform evangelist methods.  Basically saying that people need to be GIVEN God's word regardless of whether or not they ask for it.  Because they're not going to seek it out, being in the middle of drinking the wine they already have.  While I was looking that up I found some elaborations on what Jesus states about the Sabbath.  Which probably shouldn't be necessary but I'm so dull hearted it nonetheless helped.

Most of the notes are typified by his note in Matthew 12:6.  "This was a straightforward claim of deity". So straightforward in fact that it needed to be expounded upon!

12:38 "They were expecting a sign of astronomical proportions". What does that even mean?  If the text needs expounding upon, then this also does.  Of course there's notes on other verses that deal with the matter, that he refers the reader to...  

It's good to have this nonetheless.  It's easier to look up this stuff in one place than to figure out what search terms to enter at the internet.  It just seems like he could have pared this down a little by not assuming that everything in scripture needs his expertise to be understood.

Doubts

 I stand before You wholly guilty and condemned.  You are GOOD even if I perish.  My future could be cut off from any and all semblance of pleasure and for no other reason except that You are GOOD and I am not.  I don't agree with this but I acknowledge that my opinion is of negative value, regardless of what it is.  The thoughts of a mere mortal are a continually and rapidly depreciating embankment.  I feel the same is true with me.  I have not been inclined against sin.  My desire for your happiness is negligible.  My humility is slightly less so.  For you have loved my sister and hated me.  It doesn't matter why.  Or how much or little I ask.  I can only hope that if I keep asking I'll receive at least something other than eternal and optimum suffering.  I don't reap any kind of heavenly crown.  I feel like a fraud just thinking about being given one.