HOMEWORK (book2) Galatians 5: 16 - 24

 

May 26

Scott's counseling on this passage was quite illuminating.
The Apostle Paul was basically saying that if you are led by the spirit, you are not under the law, but you will be better off and so will everyone else if you follow the leading of the spirit.  Obedience is not required, but it is EXTREMELY beneficial and nonetheless destructive.  I think people who are not saved are less likely to become acquainted with Jesus if we ignore the spirit's leading.  I mean, I know most people are just going to fall blindly into a pit because they simply don't care, at least not in a good way.  A lot of people do care, but they care in a scornful and disdaining manner, so as to resist God's will for their life and run to the arms of death.  That's unfortunately how things are.  We are therefore to pray for our enemies and bless those who persecute us.  It won't work with everyone and sometimes they'll need to witness the miracle of Christ at work in His people over and over to really appreciate it or even recognize it.  We must submit.

But it really is amazing that our acts of vileness, our moments of searing anger, our sexual folly, our moments of gluttony, do not cancel out the LOVE that Christ Jesus allows God The Father to have for us by His constant intercession on our behalves.

THANK YOU LORD!

May 31
Well...haven't been doing my homework as instructed, obviously...
The first segment of Gal5:16-24 is kind of confusing.  It says "walk by the spirit".  Egh.  I don't know.  I keep getting confused by these instructions.  Jesus paid for all of our sin yet the New Testament adds instructions galore.  I've heard people talk about disobeying God's commandments like you're not a Christian if you sin.  Saying things like "Well, you don't even have a God if you're just doing whatever you want"  Like....surre.....Why does God say that He will give you the desires of your heart if "whatever I want" is so damning?  Yes, I understand sin is evil and God hates it.  I also understand that I am not God and I never will be God and I will never live to the standard of Christ so long as I live.  Physically, I am capable of that.  If I took God's commands and I adhered to them as if He IS God, MY God, my commander in chief and everything beyond and along it, like a 20star general who isn't secretly a traitor, yes, I would never sin.  If I did, it would be like once every 5 years or less often.  You can't dish out criticism like that and take yourself seriously without being downright dishonest.  Ok, so maybe Charles Stanley has reached this point in his life where sin (not just sexually immoral acts, which apparently sometimes gets abbreviated to "sin" so that it doesn't sound so ...pornographic, I guess?) is so appalling that he just never engages in it.  As for 99.9999% of the world, I don't see that playing out.  Yes, the Christian's fruit will grow as he goes, but there is no indication in The Bible of what the extent and frequency of that growth is to be.
AAAnyway.......talking with this guy from church has really been helpful at getting that rhetoric off my heart.  I don't see much improvement this week compared to last.  Maybe a 2% upward tick in goodness, but I don't know if it's even that much.  It might be like 7% worse than it was the week before.  idk.  I haven't been watching X rated hardcore stuff, but I've been dabbling in movies about people that meet and go wild over each other for x period of time until whenever.....idk.  I'm not proud of this by any means, but I don't see a way out that I would consider amicable.  I know sex isn't everything, but it really seems like the more I resist, the more it burns into my heart.  ug.  I do need to rejoice in the distance I've created between me & hardcore smut, because I was simply engaging way too much with that and it was time consuming and also drawing out the temptation to physically carry out some of the stuff I was watching, which is not something I am in a position to be messing with, unless I were to concede to the "pro-choice" movement that abortion isn't that big of a thing......of course, "that big" is a relative term.  Christ will forgive any sin.  Murder isn't any worse than a host of other sins.  Murder is basically the absence of a person from this Earth.  A baby is just a person who hasn't accomplished anything, good or bad.  If two non believers have a one night stand and conceive a child, and all the big hearted Christians, who have asked in faith and received abundantly The Holy Spirit, are being called to deal with things other than this baby whose life probably hangs in the balance, the world would probably not be at much of a loss if that baby was aborted.  I am not saying God wouldn't care, but I'm saying if people will bad choices that will have huge ramifications against humanity, that means one of two things 1) The End is near 2) God stopped it from happening.  There's also maybe a third possibility that might be too complicated to even begin writing about.  I'm not even sure I'm getting what I'm saying effectively communicated as it is.  And this is all just speculation.  The Old Testament when it talks about the penalty for murder, and how to distinguish a murderer from someone who was just being a tad careless, it does insinuate something along the lines of the hypothetical scenario I described, but society is a very complicated web of words actions thoughts and feelings and many of them intersect in ways that we can't fully understand in the present tense, much less try to predict.  The example I gave is a very bare bones basic example that probably isn't even accurate because of the extent of how bare the bones are, to continue the metaphor, but the idea that things are happening and are going to happen that God knows about, and can manipulate IF THEY ARE WILLING.  Obviously, God doesn't need to get express consent from His people, and we, usually not having the slightest clue how our present circumstances advance God's kingdom (or not), we can't say we would say "No" if we knew what was really going on and how it makes perfect sense when it's all over.  But there are many people who just don't care.  Their hearts are hardened and they have no willingness to get to know God or even OF God, and have nothing to give to this decaying world except more decay.  If there's 1,000 Christians (extremely low number, just an example,k?) who are spread over 2 large counties in a medium sized state in the USA, and there's 9,000 people who are just blindly walking off the cliffs, and there's 7,000 people who want to hear the word but might not even know they want to hear it because they have no knowledge of their ignorance (?!) --- those 1,000 people all need to be ON FIRE for God, absolutely committed to serving and laying down their life at any opportunity in order for all 7,000 people who are ambiguously pro-Christ to be saved by the hands of men.  God might intervene on their behalf regardless, but we have no reason to assume that just based on what The Bible says.  Jesus does say that we will be judged according to our deeds.  So if anyone out there is doing what they "know" to be right and not just flaking it, then, I hypothesize that God will step in and rescue them, but again, we as Christians cannot rely on that scenario.  We must step up!  I must step up.  I'm not much good to anyone at this point tho.  I have sinned.  I still need to request forgiveness from My Heavenly Father.  I'm sorry, Lord Jesus.

JUNE 1
My evil desires got the best of me and I broke out into total savagery.  Not sure if the Ever Accountable software picked up that, but I'll have to wait and see what becomes of that.  I need to quit this nonsense.
I wanted to take a nap but my dang rib is loose or something.  I almost went to the emergency room, but my mom and my sister talked it over and decided it's PROBABLY not an **emergency** but it's something a doctor should probably look at and see what can be done if anything.  If it's a broken rib, from what I know, there's not MUCH they can do...but maybe they can help me keep from furthering the damage so that someday it'll heal.  I fell the other day just basically walking on this sidewalkless Earth......can't even be safe just taking a freakin' walk.  I don't even know what caused it  I think I basically just tripped over my feet but I don't know if there was a semi-halfway decent reason for that, like I was trying to avoid moving toward a car or if I was just so lost in my thoughts that I just wasn't paying enough attention to where my feet were....idk..
One good thing for sure tho, I definitely won't want to have sex in this state.  One point for celibacy, one point for THE UNBORN, and point for...endurance or whatever the motto "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is referred to as in The Bible...maybe it's not referred to in The Bible...idk.

Anyway......
ffmm
Uh...yeah.  I suck.  What else is new?  idk.....
I feel like a fake for saying further, like "I'm sorry".  I don't feel uplifted.  Saying "Thank you Jesus" just feels robotic.  They're both true, but those coexisting statements don't really run over well out loud individually.  As far as I know, there's no phrase that encompasses both.  "Please, Lord, may this sin be put to death"  I guess that's one way of wording it.  Idk.  I actually prayed for forgiveness etc. before I started writing this.
hmmmmmmmmmm.......idk.  I guess that's it.  I should probably talk about other life stuff in a separate blog post.

JUNE 6TH

Up until Friday, and again, this afternoon, I was doing rather well with my mental celibacy.  I'd gone all day Wednesday, Thursday and most of Friday....not a huge improvement over the norm, but still....eh...
I really hope I can keep from sinking again on Tuesday.  If I could go Monday Tues Wed AND Thrs, that'd be soupppppur.  But if I can at least go MT&W, that'd be...something....ish...
Idk.

JUNE 8TH

Failed again.
RRRR..........and I'd just been doing rather well, reading two chapters of Isiah, getting all in the spirit of it..........but I guess that was like 6 hours ago....or 4...not sure what time that was...
I really have no idea what to make of Paul's sympathetic statement about doing what he doesn't want and not doing what he wants etc.....based on how vehement he is about sexual sin, it seems hard to imagine he's talking about that....but on the other hand WHAT Is he talking about?  Is he saying he feels hate when he wants to be all about love or that he doubts God's goodness when he wants to trust God with all his heart?  (sigh)  I know those are things I should be more concerned about.......still feel like I got a lightyear to go.  I really would be surprised if I live to be 70.  I hope I can at least get to a point where I care more about that than I currently do about things such as this greedy desire......(s).........

Weekly recap Friday 21st

 Uyyy
I don't know how to mark my improvement.  Maybe things are slightly better than the week before.  Maybe.  It seems like I did go 2.5 days if not longer without delving into porn, but then I was rummaging through Amazon Prime trying to get the dark corners to the surface....since they don't make it very easy to find the kind of stuff that is audacious enough to really capture my attn.
eeg.  I'm sinking, obviously.  I wonder if I'm just a black sheep, destined to not follow His Voice.

I know I'm not showing the hallmarks of Godly sorrow for I have not been zealous and active in repenting.  I don't know what I'm missing.  I think I understand as much as I "need" to understand...maybe it's a lack of faith.  Maybe I'm just too lazy.  Regardless, I might not make it.  I don't know.

Shut Up & get to work

I seriously need to quit talking.  Nobody wants to know what I'm thinking or feeling.  I need to "prefer others" as "think of others as more important" than myself.  If I'm not acting on God's behalf, nothing I say matters.  I need to quit burdering my family with texts and emails.  Nobody cares.  They don't have to.  They got a whole universe beyond me to think about.  I need to just make do with what I have and quit asking for rides, asking for help acquiring this or that. 

sick venal ...all the animals at night

 eeeikg

Fudd'd up again today, and I knew what I needed to do to avoid it but I was an awful distraction of determined and lazy....determined to stay on course and too lazy to pick up the crap I'd left on my bed.  At some point not long after the climactic finale of my immorality, I finally did have to pick up the small assortment of things that were on my bed and move them so I could take a 3 hour nap  ug.

I mainly came to this URL to note something I've noticed about my brain, but I figured I'd confess my failures too..........not entirely sure why, I just don't feel like it'd be truthful to continue without acknowledging that.  I guess one benefit is if you want to avoid "immoral men like Esau", you have more information to help you decide about reading any further...

aaaNyway,
I've noticed my memories of the past few years have been kind of blurring together.  Like, it seriously seems like I ordered Elevation Worship's HERE AS IN HEAVEN while I was living in Loganville (Georgia), but according to the order history on Amazon, I was actually living in Lawrenceville.  Like, I remember sitting against that white stone wall that I had in my basement at my desk asking the seller to cancel that order and reading their response, but that email is apparently a combination of multiple memories.  I don't know how they got mixed up as they did, but that's apparently what happened.
I reckon my memory will only get worse over the next 5 years :/

Glorified coasts

This book I'd been kinda half heartidly "studying" observes that "Nothing coasts toward order".  Yet I coast.  I don't know any other way, really.  I don't feel the strength to pull up straps and walk boldly forward.  It seems like the answer is always "Ask God" but of course I'm writing this instead.................Made to sound so stupid simple, yet it's nothing of the sort.  Jesus half brother James said you cannot have any doubt when asking God for something.  Yet I have no reason to believe things, individually or collectively, will be this way or that way.  Yes, I know we as human beings are to blame for that.  What else is new?  Nothing.  Jesus came and elevated many sects of society, one of which I grew up in, and nothing has changed.  I live in a society that has had Jesus well before I was born.  Jesus didn't change the United States.  He changed the nation of Rome and continues to push on through the world but nothing in my life has changed.  I have to ask, but what kind of jerk asks for something EXPECTING to receive it?  Does The Bible not say "God resists the proud"?  And that's GREATER grace(!).  It would be just plain murdering Jesus for me to expect that my prideful self will receive anything I ask of God.  So what?  I ask God for humility?  How?  "Humbly"?  How does someone as arrogant as I "humbly" do anything???  If I'm not temporarily transported to another vessel, how do I void myself of pride so that my prayers are not resisted?
My go to Pastor these days talks about when The Trinity looks at me He doesn't see all the mistakes I've made but sees Jesus.  Well, how does He know I'm a sinner if He doesn't see my sin?  I'm guessing what he means by that is he doesn't count my sin against me but instead imputes Jesus' righteousness to me.  In fact, I think we've had that conversation before, but the intended meaning doesn't come through when I hear it said the way he typically says it and he's constantly using that exact explanation, as if to say God is blind or willfully ignorant or something...neither notion seeming Biblical to me, at least, although specific scripture indicating such escapes my mind at the moment unless you refer to Old Testament scripture, where things get a bit vague, as there are VERY few people in The OT that God even suggests went to Heaven.  If you merely go by the text, it'd seem as if Adam & Eve went to Hell.  I personally can't say if they did or not.  It doesn't seem to me like they did, but who am I to conclude such a thing without any doubt?

Hi Lites and Lo Lites

 Well.....................................................................
My determination is still kinda "meh".  I don't know if I'd call myself complacent or what......just..idk.
About ... 2 weeks?   Maybe a little less 

ago

I signed up for this site that enables people to connect for casual sex.  I really don't forsee it happening any other way.  But anyway.  Yesterday I deleted that account.  I was arguing against doing it in my head because I had paid $15.00 for 3 months access and after I continued thinking about it, I decided it's money out, it's wasted, and if it's not wasted, it's even worse.  That means I've been using my money AND My time and the temple that God has allowed me to be for evil purposes and I've already dishonored God with all 3 of those, but....as far as masturbation goes, at least I can kinda claim ignorance since The Bible doesn't say anything against masturbation.  As far as lust goes, that could be considered a defiling of the body, but I don't think lust defiles the body anymoreso than the body already is defiled by the presence of sin that is already within every human being.  Yes, looking at erotic cinema and pornography films is definitely not a good idea.  I consider that a dishonoring use of my time and money.  And the "self abuse" that goes along with it......ya....that's dishonoring to God but I don't think it's AS dishonoring.  Paul refers to becoming one flesh with a prostitute.  I fail to see how masturbation accomplishes the same thing.

AAAAAAAANyway.
I've been doing better than I was the week before last, but I'm still not where i should be, physically and mentally.  It's a long crawl out of the gutter.

HOMEWORK APR 29 (ongoing)

I missed yesterday.

2nd Corinthians CH7 vs. 9-11

 

It seems like he's basically expounding on what it says somewhere else in The Bible about coming to God with a clean conscience, basically saying that your regret should keep you from continuing the same manner of life that led to those/that feeling(S) of regret.  This passage refers to "sorrow", but is not so much about the feeling but about the consequences of it.  If it bothers you, either the problem is you or it.  If it's it, either deal with it or get rid of it.  In this case, it's kind of a matter of both.  We can't get rid of sin's temptations and presence but we don't need to walk up to it.  I need to do a much better job at not greeting sin with a kiss like I sometimes do.

PtII Sunday May 2nd

I apparently didn't have enough Godly sorrow...succame to temptation.  Had managed to keep myself together for roughly 72 hrs.  I noticed after I finished my plummeting behavior that I was rather sleepy.  I didn't get very much sleep last night.  I'm about to go to bed now but felt I should complete today's entry.  I did ask God for His forgiveness, acknowledging a lack of due respect for His presence and all it entails.  I asked that He instill a healthier dose of that consideration and that I have the strength to continue this week without the same or similar episode.  

I really do want to rise above this.  Of course, I say that now.........Only God truly knows my heart.  I seriously don't know who I am.

 

 PtIII Monday May 3rd

I must say; I haven't felt particularly tempted.  Well, ok, ok.....a little tempted.  Just a little.  Nothing significant.
I slept a good sleep last night.  I went to bed kind of early and woke up kind of late.  Granted, I did wake up briefly a couple times, but still .... I must've got AT LEAST 9 hours of sleep when the norm for me, when you subtract half an hour for each burst of wakefulness that occurs during most nights, is about 7 hours.
I haven't been especially mindful of God.  It's not like my mind has been void of Him, but most of my day has not been devoted to Him or things that would have an obvious stamp of God's approval.  I haven't been singing praises to God or serving up meals to the homeless or talking up God to a non believer or anything of the sort.  I've just been pretty much doing what I can to enjoy the day without delving into sin.
I thought about going for a walk a couple times.  It's weird living with strangers.  On one hand, I don't feel it's fair to them to show distrust to them by locking my door but on the other hand, if I get robbed, it's my own damn fault and I don't even know who else to include in the blame or to hold responsible.  When I head downstairs, I typically don't even include my keys & wallet.  Oops...

Anyway.  Ok, ok...so; Godly sorrow---- I don't know what to say about it.  Seriously, my brain is coming up empty.

PT IV - MAY 5
Ug.  Missed TWO (out of 7) days.
Um...well.........I obviously don't have enough Godly sorrow.  I still struggle to find the sense in this whole business.  I don't fully understand the severity of my sins.  I know some corners of the pornography industry are involved in human trafficking/kidnapping etc., but you could say the same thing about THE UNITED STATES....and you could say similar things about the fashion industry, and sports......there's always a dark side to everything.  The thing that many Christians focus on is marital brokenness, and really, I don't plan to get married.  I don't think I would be a good husband.  I'm not saying God is wrong.  I'm just saying it's really difficult to take Him at His word when the people he spoke with were largely coerced or forced into marriage by their parents and community.  They didn't have to consider "Gee, how do I get to know this woman so I can maybe have sex with her (after I marry her of course)".  Marriage was a done deal not long after puberty hit.  I realize there's probably more to it than that, a lot more.  I think the fact that we won't even have gender identities in Heaven is one of the reasons God commands us to lay aside our sexual appetites.  It's a difficult series of notions to latch onto when they're so at odds with my feelings and the logic of it is so "eeh..."
Hmm.  As for Godly sorrow and how to develop it more.....idk.  I know I failed today.  I need to go further into my walk with God and be more IN His Word, like reading it, taking a small break to maybe have some water, go back read some more, and just do that until something worthwhile comes up.  I really don't do much through most of my days.
........sounds kind of ridiculous that I haven't been doing that already.  What am I stupid or something??(!!!!)