a tangled web of evil

My mother will always think her life is more valuable than mine.  She will always despise and snoot over me because of the "murder" I "commit" and the arrogance (bullshittedly referred to as "pride" as if I have a damn thing to be P R O U D ***OF*****) I embody and my overactive impatience, and, above all else, the fact that I 

treat her in accordance with and don't reward her for
her embodiment of those very same things.

When she commits theft and / or fraud, she wails in condemnation against NO ONE except the person who has enough backbone to TELL HER SHE'S WRONG.  She accuses me of "You just like to argue" and then condemns people for stating any opinion that she didn't pre - approve, even when the opinion she's arguing with is very similar to one she not long ago pre approved.

I know I don't deserve to be treated as if justice is a concept that matters to anyone.  Jesus endured THE MOST injustice and did not scold or condemn those who orchestrated and enacted it.  I don't see myself in that.  As an elder of the church once said, that should be a dead give away that Jesus does not know me and that I will be cast away from Him.  I have no desire to "seek Him in His word".  I have read The Bible.  I've read many section of if various qtys of times.  I don't LIKE reading.  "Well, then do it even when you don't want to"  WTF kind of bullshit?  Who does something that they DONT' WANT to do????  Is God a kind and understanding father or is he "provoke children" to negativity like He commands His underlings NOT TO??

oBVIOUSLY all this thick smoke I'm choking on is me repeating what i sow.  Beyond that, I don't feel as gung ho about committing to the notion that "I don't know Christ" as other people do.

How can it be?

It really saddens me that THE BIBLE gets lumped in with every other religious propagation and then make a career out of  their passion against it.  People like Dawkins and Sagan... I know The Bible cannot be scientifically proven to be accurate.  Much of The Bible is basically The One True (allegedly) God telling His people what He thinks they should do.  Some of it is examples of people who do what He thinks they should be doing.  There's a few pages of poetry giving hope of insight into the condition of a person who wants to live as The One True (alleged) God calls mankind to live.  There's very little, if anything, in The Bible that stands alone in its sufficiency.  The Bible, as we who are Christians read it, does not have a section of cliffnotes.  The closest thing to that is Paul's letter to the churches in Rome titled ROMANS.  God didn't lay it out like that from page 1 onward, because the JOURNEY, no matter which routes we take, we're going to encounter dead ends and breakdowns.  The Bible is meant to serve as a guide to that journey.  Some days you may pick up The Bible and turn to some random spot that seems out of context.  So first it helps to read the whole thing, and if you have sucky memory, you might need to read it several times back to back, but after you've read it once or twice, generally, the whole thing applies to itself.  You can read one passage that mostly talks about a situation that doesn't necessarily apply to you in your everyday life, but one or two sentences speak directly to your heart.
Buddhism and Hindu ism or whatever it's called, and even Islam, and many other religions all have some truth to impart to those who are learning how to live, but, to my knowledge, no religious text other than The Bible really addresses all facets of life.  Our relationships with each other, our preparation for life with God, even our relationship with animals and how we shouldn't hang too close to our feces (even though He didn't say why like "It's got germs on it!"), ya know, EVERYTHING! about HOW to live is included in The Bible.
I guess there's no point in saying much else.  I probably won't change anyone's mind........

"I can MAKE THAT 8!"

 (shaking dice)

SHA-WIIING!
Assuming I wake up and go about tomorrow without any drastic changes in ability, I will have spent apprx 8 hours this week volunteering.
THANK God for the work He's done.  WE ARE the hands and feet of The King.  Such a sweet privilege

the confusing layers

still  failing to FIGHT against sin.  I'm still finding myself not really wanting to.  I hope and continually ask God for a different reality.  Maybe I'm too quick to "change the subject" after doing so.  Maybe I have too much doubt.  Maybe I move on too quickly to some other activity and fail to soak in the GOODNESS of His willingness to help me.
Ug.  Well...to the best of my knowledge there is tomorrow..........where I'll be trying to serve God and PLEASE GOD, ACCEPT MY SERVICE AS UNTO YOU AND INFUSE ME WITH YOUR SPIRIT SO THAT I MAY BE A GOOD STEWARD OF THIS VESSEL YOU'VE BESTOWED UPON ME.