kicking and screaming

Just been actively chill while inactively pulsating with suppressed will.

Pissed off a lot lately.  Go figure.  "I don't  feel like  reading The Bible."  "Well, you need to"  "Eh..."  And so it goes.  Stupid.  And I'm sitting here talking about it too.  Idk.

oook.  I seriously f--ing swear, today, maybe just today, feels like wind.  It's not wind-e.  It's like a day that was claymationed out of wind.  Like my head and the grass and the pavement were all formed out of a f--n cloud.  Stinks.  I hate these days.  They are superficially gorgeous and mind numbing.

It's been nice overall the past week or so.  Days have been beyond sufficient in sunlight while not being too heated by it.  We had some rain but not days on end of it.  One night I thought it might enter my room it was giant windy thundering.  My brother in law had just sealed a baldy-in-need-of-sealing window in my room a couple weeks or less prior.  If he hadn't done that..........

Decided to go to the store a couple days ago.  So far no symptoms of the bug.  Still won't know much of anything 'til 14 days is up.  I prayed to my Lord and asked for His protection.  I figure if He decides against granting that request, then He has the foresight and insight necessary to make Good of it.  The ultimate LIFE is not on Earth.  I don't get the impression The Garden Of Eden was ever meant to be the be all end all of man's experience.  I think the Garden of Eden was basically sort of a testing ground for God's creation.  God's creation failed the testing.  Yet He loved us regardless, so much so that he sent Jesus to dwell with us and die for us and live again so we can learn to live abundantly.  Someone on Amazon was saying that the rainbow does not mean what The Bible says it means because even after a tsunami there's a rainbow.  I so wish I could get ahold of that guy and explain The Bible.  He says he belongs to a church but the pastor there must be extremely weak minded to not be able to understand how the entire Bible adds up to make perfect sense if you use it to find answers.  I mean, for crying out loud; you don't need to be a genius to understand The Bible.  Most of what makes The Bible difficult to understand in spots has already been explained in other writings that are readily available.  Any pastor worth his salt can find these writings without any trouble.  Most of these books can be found by commonfolk as well.

Aaanyway.

uh....idk how I got started on that.  Oh...ya.  anyway.

Ug.  i probably had too much to eat for lunch.  glug.

i will c my way out of here.  sorry I don't have much more to say.  Maybe later today I'll think of something.

OH! Sorry ---- Not dead.

Furrrdge
Adjustment to living in the new house is a snap.  I'm not an amateur at this after all.
Kids are time consuming.  I try to be on the main floor many of days in case my sister needs help + it's good to have company outside my computer.
Quarantine just means or two less outings each week.  I usually have no real rock solid reason for going anywhere anyway.  Many times I've found myself exhausted and sickened by eyeing a bunch of cool things ------ that I can't afford.  So it's all good.
My sister got a budget figured out for me this past month that breaks off my credit card payments and allows me to have $50/mo.  Sounds like a good chunk of money right?  It isn't.  I blew through almost all of it within 5 days.  From May onward I'm committed to giving $25 of that to the local church each month.  I don't feel any "speaking" of The Holy Spirit regarding dollar amounts, so I'm just going by what God told Moses straight up and commanded to be relayed to the Isrealites a s whole ---- 10% of everything.  I don't know what exactly "everything" is, but inasmuch as I'm aware, 10% is what I'm tithing.  I don't count the monetary value of gifts I receive, because my money gets spent on whatever I can afford.  Nobody has broken down the grocery costs per person, for instance.  Do the sanitary wipes I use get paid for by my income?  I have no clue.  It's all divvied up and spread out with no sense or order.  I have no clue what to tithe beyond what I am given clear as day by the Federal Government.  Obviously I get more than $250.  My entire check from the gov't is $771 but $600 of that just goes immediately to my sister and my sister uses that to calculate the amount of her tithe, basically tithing on my behalf...sorta...I would like to tithe $90 / mo but I'll have to rid myself of my Overstock.com credit card before I can even consider that.  And even that wouldn't be enough to enable it.  I'd still be missing about $5.00.  And I'd have no money whatsoever to even pay a measily $10 for a Spotify subscription.  Or a $5.00 Pandora Plus subscription.  Not that I necessarily need those.  Pandora is usually tolerable even with ads.  Spitify a little less so but still doable.

Aaanyway.  Still struggling to find the will to read God's Word on a regular basis.  And finding myself at fault in my actions because of that.  I finally took my antipsychotics for the first time in like 3 days.  I can't remember if I missed 2 days or 3.  too many in any case. 

Had my psych appt a couple days ago.  ATL Behavioral Medicine has got some serious communication issues.  They scheduled an appt with me --- by video chat --- and gave me these weird ass instructions and never got back to me.  Then they called me several days later saying "You had an appt at 3:15, so we need to reschedule"  Ok.....why did I have an appt and 3:15 yet nobody told me this?  They "re"scheduled the appt for the day formerly known as "tomorrow" and so I called to "check in" (one of the confusing points in the instructional email; I either have my phone on me --- as I should --- or I don't.........) and way before my scheduled appt time I have my video face to face w/ one of the staff there.  The next day I get some call about an appt I had scheduled for (((what at the time was considered))) TODAY!  what the fuck?  Tomorrow does not mean 2 days., it means ONE DAY away from THE current day!  The work day may have been coming to a close FOR THEM at 5:15 or whatever time that was that they called me saying my appt needed to be rescheduled.  But when it's 5:15, THE CALANDER DATE DOES NOT CHANGE!  Like fucking shit, you need a glossary of spock-speak to understand what X business' employees mean when they say something as fkkkk simple as "tomorrow"??????????????????????????????????
In all of this I've emailed them at least twice asking if I have a fee owed to them.  They've yet to respond.  For all I know because of their dumb shit, I owe them $200 in no show and late cancellation fees.  I hope they're at least aware that I do not SHOW UP for a VIDEO CALL!  I either answer my phone or I ignore it, deliberately in some fashion or another.  If I put my phone's noises on silent, then I can't exactly expect to be able to answer a video call, then can I?  If I leave my phone upstairs, I can't exactly blame them for the fact that I left my phone laying somewhere now can I?  I understand checking in when I got to the dr  Doc or whoever comes out and says my name and they have no reason to assume out of the half dozen or more people in the waiting room might be me UNLESS I check in.  But when you email or text soembody, the person either answers or they don't.  I don't know why someone would schedule an appt with a dr and then blow the dr off.  I can understand not answering the phone -- forgetting where it is or absent mindedly silencing it -- but regardless of when or if you check-in, the chance of answering when the doc calls is still just as high unless the patient is just being stupid and refusing to answer no matter what.
idk..I'd like to think I'm limited in this understanding of things.  Maybe.  (sigh)

Yep.  Still not much to talk about here.  Got a usual blog entry written and I haven't written in almost two months. ugg.