Just when I think it's safe...........I get comfortable and slip soooooooo
I need to DO MORE BETTER!!!!!!!!! I don't think this is what Paul was talking about when he said "the thing that I want to avoid I end up doing anyway" (paraphrasing) It would be easy for me to think that's what he was referring to, just by my own experience but then he curses everyone who even considers this type of shik.
:(
THANK JESUS for a new day, a new opportunity to rise above life's challenges.
It's still a bumpy ride. I haven't been great at avoiding lust etc. today but compared to yesterday and the day before, I'm a champion. I actually listened to some Praise/Worship music on Pandora radio for about 20 or 30 minutes. Still need to try to read some of HIS WORD. Seriously, for real. And yet i'm here writing this bs
Anyway.
Life truly is better when one's mind is on The LORD JESUS CHRIST. Even things that don't seem all that great are better through JESUS.
I keep thinking "I need to quit wasting time!" but then I'm shot with the sad reality that everything I perceive as "good" ultimately IS a waste of time and anything that ISN'T a waste of time, while I agree is good, is either far too cumbersome to carry out or is not attainable either due to material resources that I lack or simply a lack of knowledge.
Daily Bible reading is a little bit of a challenge, but more so than that is the KEEPING HIS WORD in my heart, which requires multiple trips into His Word. Most people have a reasonable excuse for not being in His Word throughout the day, but I am literally doing nothing except an occasional good deed (like this afternoon for instance I'm helping distribute food to the poor) or blissing out to music or outright sinning (see yesterday's entry) or reading His Word. Then there's a huge chunk of time I spend trying to either bliss out or sin, and I end up doing a little bit of both, and compound the matter of waste into all the worse.
Ug.
Still just coasting along, hoping something will change.
I went for a walk. Came home. Ate lunch. Couldn't think of anything to do that I wanted to do except have sex and watch porn. I failed at both. And I don't even really care, honestly. I'm glad in a way, even though it makes no real difference in terms of my scorecard. I'm still a detestable creature in God's sight. Maybe it'll be enough ammo to keep away from this stuff for at least the remainder of the week. idk.
ug.
I find it interesting that so many people exist, yet so few of them seem to own any one particular album. Ok, ok -- let's just forget for a moment that "owning" music is a worthless pursuit. Back when music was being sold without questions of utility or morality, you could often hear about a small handful of albums most years that sell 5++ million copies. For example -- the 3rd highest selling album of 2002 was Avril Lavigne's LET GO, a nostalgic one for me personally. It has sold - all together - 16 million copies throughout the world. Let's look at US domestic sales and suppose sales of used copies are included in that. Let's say 20 million.
According to the US Census beer-o's website, the US population (nobody wants to do a citizen count...), as of 2019, was well over 300 million. Let's say there was a bit of a population jump between 2004 and 2019.
250 million sound like a fair estimate? I think it was more than that. But let's just suppose....
20 million people (give or take) bought LET GO by Avril Lavigne. That is less than 10% of the entire US population.
You might say "well, she was only the 3rd best selling. Two other artists far surpassed that" Ok, so let's say 20 million copies of whatever bile the Backstreet Boys churned out that year sold 50 million. 100 million people bought the album because used copies don't count.
How do people who criticize boy bands escape being assassinated by lynching? You'd think of that 50% someone would be not only vapid in their appreciation of art, but arrogant & crazy enough to do something like that.
Anyway.
So basically, every GOOD piece of music that sells is bought by weirdos.
I keep hearing people talk about other people as if they know the personal lives of each and every other human being. "Nobody looks at the nutrition facts" "Nobody listens to that" "Nobody says that" "Nobody buys that" My mom swore up and down that a camera lens for a SONY camera would sit in my Amazon storefront inventory for years and years because "nobody buys cameras anymore" Yes, an increasingly small % of people have reason or want to buy a camera. That does not mean that NOBODY buys cameras. In fact, I'd suggest that the only reason MOST people HAVE cameras is because cell phones come with them. Before cell phones, camcorders were not something that everybody had.
And people keep saying CDs are not worth buying because "nobody buys CDs" Yes, they have shrunk in their usage. They may or may not continue to do so. They have year after year for over a decade shrunk in usage. Cassette tapes were the same way. Guess what? They're making a comeback. So is vinyl. CDs are like rich people. Everyone on the planet can be rich, but most of them will only be so temporarily. It is only a very small -- but nonetheless existent -- % of people who will stay rich throughout their duration of stay on Earth. That analogy is very abstract but the truth of it is quite evident when you dig into it.
anyway.
...
Just writing this down because I was envisioning a possible argument with someone who tends to think about things that way. rrr
3PM on Friday afternoon --- Not my brightest moment.
I got finished with a counseling session yesterday at 4:30PM discussing how downright evil sexual sin truly is.
I got to admit, I'd shook off temptation multiple times from then to roughly 3PM. (it's now 3:30 ish).
I concocted a logic that most would probably disagree with and I'm not sure how convinced I am of it;
A) The Bible does not forbid sex on film
B) Sex on film depicting extra-marital sex or sex between people who should not be married (same sex-marriages, incestuous marriages, animal/human unions...) is a record of wrong and should not be applauded, in either body or spirit, for the body is where The Holy Spirit dwells and works within Christ's children.
So..........
Hmm.
I didn't exactly follow that logic completely. I did watch a married couple, but the husband I think was unable to fully satisfy his wife, so he hired a more capable man to give her a more thorough satisfaction.
Anyway.
I didn't even go a whole day :(
I'm not even entirely sure when I had last ventured into that sort of thing. It seems like it's been 3 days +/-, but it probably hasn't. The days go by so slooooooooow...
Alrighty. Time to wrap up this shame piece and go crawling.
Oh, also -- I seriously did not get enough sleep when I FIRST woke up, but I did go back to bed and get another couple hours of sleep. I'm not sure why I'm so tired I did turn on my overhead fan earlier because for some weird reason it felt really warm in here a couple hours ago. I probably should not have it on. ..........I may be weird in this regard also, but fans just make me sleepy.
People talk about the difference between a punishment and discipline.
Just get this -- when I say PUN ISH MENT -- I mean PAIN!
Yes, you're doing it "out of love" if it's a discipline. So what? Does the pain feel different then?
PRISON is pain. SPANKS are pain. THE DAY OF JUDGEMENT will be painful (probably more so)
HELL is is also painful and cannot be made comparison to because nobody who is around can testify about it. The Bible doesn't talk much about it except to say it's a place of weeping and gnashing of teeth, which is also what Earth is, depending on who you talk to and when you're talking to them.
"God disciplines his children" (paraph) ---- It is good to know the reason why God hurts us, and someone who is loaded with love for everyone and everything can totally ignore the first hand matter of pain but that's not me. I cannot say that I am void of "what's in it for me?" I think anyone who says they are and directs others to be likewise is a complete liar and a hypocrite.
Yes, we should be willing to sacrifice (at least) some of our time for the greater good. And when I say "Our time", I don't mean "We created it"; I mean "WE OWN IT". Gifts are not owned by their givers. Any such gift I don't even want. If it's not mine to freely determine what to do with, then keep it! A "gift that you might want back someday" is not a gift. It's a loan.
God does technically loan us what we have. But that's only because everything in this planet we live in is tainted by the same sin that dwells wildly within us. Anything we could possibly want and more is waiting for us in Heaven. The best music, the best sculptures and paintings. It's all there. My collection of Ghostbusters (TM) toys are nothing compared to what God can fashion. Of course, The Bible doesn't say that's the reason everything on Earth will be taken from us and destroyed at some point............
Hmm. I'm kinda getting in the swing of things.
Haven't been on my best behavior. Been rather unwise in regards to sexual purity. I seriously need to get a grip on myself. RRrrr. It just seems so impractical. Jesus spoke His words when people had wives just handed to them. Nobody had even the slightest excuse to forgo marriage and just philander. I don't view myself as the kind of person who can serve as a husband. I don't say the right things. I don't do the right things, even when it's possible for me to do them, which is not often. People keep trying to tell me that it's stupid to not have a job and to not drive. I agree. But that's how it is. I realize psychology as a study tends to be interspersed with philosophy, but if you go about it as a science, there's nothing un-Biblical about it. Granted, some psychologists tend to spend more time dwelling on certain specifics elements and sometimes a full understanding of psychology can get muddled by these super - psychologists who take it upon themselves to write a book.
People assume that God created everyone with the same ability to carry out His word. The Bible acknowledges hunchbacks and people with speech impediments and even says they are not to perform the sacred duties of His temple.
The root truth of The Bible hasn't changed. Mankind is evil and God wants us to be in closer proximity to Him than we are because our proximity to Him is presently stunted by our sinful nature. Jesus makes a way for that to happen.
I'm not saying that God will allow me to draw close despite my impurity just because I have more obstacles before me. I'm not boasting about my obstacles or rejoicing in them. I just hope that He can take into account how difficult this whole thing is on the Day Of Judgement.
I'm settled into my new place. It's definitely a lot quieter than my old room. No kids. No one to talk to. There's roommates here, but they're in their rooms, each keeping to themselves.
Probably should get some water to drink. I haven't had ANYThing to drink for several hours now.
Man. Coffee sounds good too. Not as good as water, tho Hmm.
Well...that's about it. I don't everything unpacked quite, because I didn't quite bring everything with me. There was a bin / box - thingy that had a bunch of my CDs and DVDs. totally forgot about. It didn't take long really.
Pretty cool tho. Room is kind of small but it works.
:)
Hopefully I'll be back in with my sister and my broNlaw before too long. Just kind of depends.
The hardest part about all of this is my cat. I couldn't bring her with me and I could tell she was just sad. I did tell about a week ago when everything was being initiated that I would be leaving and unable to take her with me. I think she understood me. She had changed owners twice before, so I think she knows the drill. It really just sickens me almost to think of it. Anyway...I'll just have to see how she gets along with the other people. I'm hoping my mom can foster / adopt her, but that ultimately depends on how she gets along with Bill, the household dog. Shes almost scared of him because he's so intensely annoying. She's just like "I really want to get out of here!". So I open the safety gate (installed for the kiddos) and she rushes upstairs. I don't think she's really afraid of him any more so than I am of technology not working like it's supposed to. I think a housecat probably has a little bit of panic when they encounter situations they don't like because they don't know if they'll be able to respond appropriately and if they don't, what could happen? Sophie doesn't want to attack the kids (the oldest one being almost 5 now), because things simply would not go well for her if she did. But she doesn't know if she can hide either. So she *tries* to hide. But sometimes that's not possible before she gets cornered and instinctually does something that she knows intellectually that she shouldn't do. As far as the dog goes, I think she might be a little afraid of him, just because she doesn't know how he would react to her getting violent with him or how I would react to her getting violent with him or how the dogs' owners would react. And then there's a little bit of that "I just wanna go home!", I say "home", because the dog is usually on the main floor and Sophie is upstairs in my room. They don't generally see each other a lot. I think once Bill gets used to Sophie, Sophie will get used to Bill and Bill will get even more used to Sophie. I hope. Really hoping someone's head doesn't get bitten off.....
Anyway.
I guess that's about it.............day 1. hehe.
A counseler asked me what I would say if God asked me why I "should" be in Heaven.
I answered "I would say 'If you don't want me here, I understand".
To me, such a question sounds sarcastic. The truth IS God did promise believers eternal life. How that relates to me, I don't know, really. I *think* I believe...but do I? Or do I believe but not "the right way"? People keep comparing intellectual knowledge of God to the knowledge the demons have. As if whoever included that quip was telling the audience about their eternal damnation. Maybe they were. In Paul's letter to the Roman Christians, he tells them about not being diligent to pursue Holiness and says "don't you know you are storing up wrath for yourselves on the day of judgement?". Again, up until this morning, I often read that as him talking to potential non believers in the room, but he introduces the letter saying something to the effect of "To The Christians at Rome who I have such an appreciation for because of your faith" That certainly sounds far from the eternal Hell that one would infer Paul is promising by talking about "The Day of Judgement". I don't think I deserve Heaven. I know I wouldn't even if I was pursuing with full diligence the path to Holiness. Mankind, in its current state, is simply not compatible with God. In our path to new creature-hood, we still aren't compatible with God, even though we're closer to it. I myself am maybe just a hair closer to compatibility with God than I was 10 years ago. I would not have any reason to curse God if He sent me to Hell for 100 years. Maybe not "Hell". Apparently there's strong indications in The Word that one cannot go to Hell and then come out of it. I don't recall reading any, but I'm not very well read on scripture. there being a lot of it I simply don't understand like I perhaps should. So maybe the wrong words are coming into this page, but I don't think it's impossible for God to give someone a huge ass whipping before letting them enter Heaven.
Anyway.
I probably have more to say on these matters, but I'm coming up to a blank and...idk.
An acquaintance of mine brought forth that notion.
"God is Good" ---- THAT IS a judgement. Yet people say it ALL THE TIME, as if they/we are entitled to have an opinion of God's goodness or lack thereof. The potential issue is not a matter of judgement. The potential issue is trust. Maybe I haven't been tested enough to say this for certain, but I don't believe, as of today in my present set of circumstances, that I would find myself cursing God for any hardship I might possibly face. I know sin is the real problem, although things like physical pain, that my mom deals with constantly, are something to hate as well, as is the loss of the "It It Will With My Soul" author's four children, and his wife's. I don't believe I have any right to the comfortable life I have. It is a blessing beyond measure that I have a good quality roof over my head and the freedom to eat 3 meals a day without resorting to theft. Honestly, I should be homeless. If I got what I deserved, and nothing more, that's how it is.
Anyway. I don't have much more to say on the matter. Just something irking me I wanted to get out there, for the "whole world" to read.....because I have SUCH a huge following of readers xD
