sanc

 been kinda relapsed the past monthish.  Was starting to show progress and then it just kinda collapsed like a mudslide.  idk.  I think my counselor kinda nailed it, using an analogy from The Pilgrim's Progress (I haven't read it, but he's talked about it so much I feel like I almost sorta have)

"Little faith"


My assurance is indeed kinda diluted.  I feel like I'm teetering on the brink of destruction.  Like I'm dangling on a high wire.  "and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand."  It doesn't make it any less scary.  I do need to back off of this crap otherwise I'm going to prove myself deluded. 
"To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand."

to have and to haven't

 You can't have it back.

You gave it away and left it.

It's changed.  How can you even recognize it from what it once was?

You left it.  

It changed without you.

You can't have it back.

How could you even recognize it enough to even want it again?

It's nowhere to be found.

You let it go and now it's gone.