UGH The Ventilation....did I do that??!?!!!

 Ayg.  Sorry for my downcastness a few days ago.  I don't think I've ever met a single person that I can't say in some way or another is not an asshole.  Some people are less assholish than others.  But I don't think anyone is exempt from that description.  Not to my knowledge...well, I take that back....my friend who sits in during counseling I wouldn't describe that way.  I really wouldn't.  And, my pastor, and the 3 other pastors I've had while attending other churches, I would not describe as a--holes, but that's only based on what I've seen of them.  I'm sure they have their enemies.  Or, at least, I wouldn't be surprised if they do.  I've certainly caused a lot of hair raising myself.  I'm a thorn in the side of my sister and I'm a pain in the ass to my brother in law.  My mom is physically disabled, so I'm for the time being on fairly good terms with her, since she decided to be nice to me 2 or 3 months ago..  if she were able to do anything, I'd probably be driving her bokers too, asking her for help and being nitpicky like I am...

But anyway...
I really don't remember spcifically what I said in that blog post on 11.26, and I don't claim any of it was not true.  I implore anyone who thinks poorly of my example of Christianity that it is not about The Christian that you / we should be grateful and rejoicing over.  Hope and Joy do not stem from The Christian, but THE Christ!!!  HE is our hope.  HE is our calling.  We are BEING molded to fit HIS image, but we are not HAVING BEEN molded to that fit just yet.  I sure as heck haven't been

The unseen forgiveness

 I feel like I've been punished for not packing up my stuff and saying "bye" to my mom years ago, same way she did to the people who abused her for her whole childood.  She "forgives" this scumbag brother she has, but she hasn't set eyes on him in years and she's still afraid of him.

  People insist that you need to forgive people that do wrong to you, or else, as one of the elders of the church I attend puts it, Jesus doesn't even know who you are.  I sent my mom an email telling her, in common modern day English, that she was a stumbling block to me, and continues to be one and that I can't be expected to be following an example that she nor anyone else has ever provided.  GoshHELL!, I got my ass torn out good for over an hour on that.  I got accused of breaking like 9 different commandments in the New Testament.  My mom was guilty as FUK but nobody cared about that.  Nobody cared about anything except the fact that I was opinionated and felt like I deserve love.  "No", I can just hear it "Nobody deserves love or anything good!  You deserve what Jesus got!"  Which is?  3 hours of Hell?  Followed by an eternal stay in Heaven......uh....sure....yeah.  I don't even know why I'm typing all of this.  Nobody reading this cares more than the people I've encountered in real life do, I'm sure.

The f''d up case of Jack & AZZ

 ARG!!

I KEEP FLIPPING BETWEEN BEING THE EPITOME OF BLASPHEME AND BEING A HALFWAY ACCEPTABLE MEMBER OF THE BODY OF CHRIST.
I managed to go a couple days w/o sinking AS FAR as I'd been, then today, I'd been just CRAVING, mentally dripping pornographic imagery......finally am over it, mostly, but not without clawing my way into the devil's lair.  I cancelled the Accountable2You subscription.  All that service does it keep me from wasting time on porn..then some days like today I find myself mentally and physically insubordinate.  This booklet claims that sex drive isn't the issue, and I suppose if I'd have thought of it, I could have opted to take a cold shower...in the middle of winter....I'm not sure I would have.  I wasn't seeking a way out.  Wrong or right, my body feels at home in these states of appetite.  Ug....

Anyhow.  I still got a good stretch of road ahead of me.  (sigh)

I'm sorry for any discouragement I'd been in my previous posts talking about this like there's no hope or whatever.  I know there's no hope for the past.  But there is always a possibility for a brighter future.  And whatever lay ahead, Jesus is greater than anything I will ever do or abstain from doing.

Oh the wonder

 SanctusReal singer man says in his song"These Things Take Time" "why eyes when faith is how I see?"  Yeah WHY THE HECK do human beings have eyes???  Surely faith alone would keep us from stubbing toes and falling off cliffs and tripping over ramps and rocks....

discourge

 I really hope to God I did not overtly discourage anyone with my posts from a week or so ago.  I'd talked through some of this stuff with my pastor and basically realized I just need to keep eyes looking toward the Goodness of CHRIST JESUS, and quit letting doubt storm up my mind.  He didn't exactly say it that way, but I just realized how pointless it is for me to even be consumed that way, raging on and tossed about.  I do need to, for my own sake, at the very least, quit engaging with sinfulness.  I do hope forward to Jesus and The Holy Spirit enabling me to find motivation to do that.  A large part of it is I just don't feel enough.  I have a mild dose of it when I'm NOT tempted, and sometimes when I am tempted I fight it, but that's usually only because the temptation is only just beginning.  I was telling a friend from church after he brought forth some maybe kinda sorta helpful audio recordings for me to listen to, that, in conjunction with what the pastor was telling me as we were going through all of this, that I need to ASK Jesus for strength / power to fight the sin.  Because I've been noticing intermittently that it tends to build up as the day goes on.  I also believe that asking Jesus is a form of praise to Him, for the power that He gives us to TRULY be more like Him, where it actually matters.  I just need to pray also that I keep these things in my mind and that they marinate in my heart through the night so I can conquer this weekend.

 

Please Jesus, help me to keep The Beauty of Your characteristics and Your deeds, the essence of what I know about You, to be a strength to my feet, a lamp to the path before them.  Please remind me and please continue to persuade me to ask YOU for help and to PRAISE YOU for Your promise to be our help in a time of battle.
Thank You, Jesus, for the VICTORY that You've prepared for us.  AMEN.