LIFE IN THE FUTURE TENSE

The days I waste, the waste I spend, the life I spend so wastefully, maybe I’m too young to imagine anyone caring about the legacy I leave behind
The feelings that I try to chase, the moments that I try to remember
Will my grandchildren give a dime about the times I spend alone?

The life I have, the having I take to my grave
The way I talk, you’d think I’d die, always wanting something more, something that I do not have
Will my grandchildren care enough to find the times I spent alone?

CBC 12/20/09

I got my Circuit Breaker check the day after MLK Jr. day and spent $175+ of the $600 on my mom, $50 on a steamcleaner (me and my sister&mom split the cost, I paid half and my sister and my mother paid the other half...), $15 on my half of an O' Charley's visit, $33 (apprx w/ tax) on a Philips DVD player at Target, $30 (apprx w/ tax) on HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER SEASON ONE & The Fray's HOW TO SAVE A LIFE (wow, I just now realized both media items start with "how"...REACHING OUT, RE-ACHING OU-OUT, BUT NO ONE'S NEAR ME AFTER ALL THIS TIME - BEEN REACHING OUT BLINDLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY!!!!!! man, I LOVE that song; see "playlist" for info...)...ok, so that's $270...oh, yeah, I owed the bank $92, so that's $362 (i think...), and oh, yeah, I spent like $18 at the B&N cafe' aka Starbucks...so that's 380...

oh, and I spent like $62 (?) at WalMart; got myself a belt, some stupid 80's magazine ($11.99, kinda steep, IMO...), and...ok, maybe I didn't spend $62 in cash, maybe that was the overall total, 'cause I bought some food while I was there and paid for that w/ foodstamps...so I guess so far that's about $404 since the belt was $10+$12 and tax for the magazine&the belt...

oh, yeah, I had already owed like $60, $34 to Mom for stuff I convinced her to buy for herself + $25 (apprx/?) for cat food that my sister bought for me since I didn't get my Circuit Breaker check quite as soon as I thought I would...

so that's $460...and I had $50 left over, so that's $510...man, where did the other $90 go? sorry, I'm just testing my memory...
guess I'm failing too, 'cause the other $90 was spent on unkown stuff...

anyway, it was a blastful day! from like 3pm or a bit earlier to sometime around 10pm, me and my mother hit the town and did it well!

until next year...

~Jonathan

survey rewards...

There are people that get paid thousands of dollars a month to figure out what people want. Why should I TELL these people what I want and then get paid $0.50 for each large chunk of information? I've signed up for several of these things and at best, they provide minimum wage rewards. It's been awhile since I've completed a survey.

what was I saying...?

Ok, I finally got my annual "Circuit Breaker" check on its way, should be here no later than Saturday (I filed for it Thursday of this past week...), but probably no earlier than Wednesday (Wed. is quite unlikely though). And i think I got a plan(s) for how to spend it.

I'm gonna get a SONY DVD player w/ HDMI connection from SonyStyle.com (refurbished) for $52 w/ tax, b/c it plays MP3 CDs, and it might as well be region free since you can download just about anything online and burn it to DVD, which reminds me, I'm also planning to replace my (dead) CD-burner for my computer and I might need to pay Best Buy $50 +tax to install it, although my mom knows somebody who might be willing to do it for less, maybe free...

I also need to get some TV cleaner, DVD/CD player lens cleaner, could definitely use a surge protector (two of them), and of course a few CDS...and some CD-RS...and my very first HDMI cable to go along with my SONY DVD player and my very first HDTV.

this is so exciting!!

i hate Mr. Irving

I say "Mr." not out of respect, but b/c I don't know if it's John or Jon or something else...and I really don't care

He's written two books that look really gut wrenching in the last 10 years, give or take a few...and in both of those books he brags about his elite world of art-making, i.e.: ONE YEAR WIDOW, he basically says "if you wanna be cool like me, here's how", and in one of his more recent books that I can't remember the name of (it has an image of a heart with an arrow on the hardcover edition, has a lot of pink on it) he writes about his filmmaker buddies' lifestyle.

and prior to ONE YEAR WIDOW, I don't know if he's written anything of any substantial weight, and if he had, I don't think I care, b/c it probably wasn't written too long before ONE YEAR WIDOW (THE CIDER HOUSE RULES looks OK...don't know anything about it or the film that was based on it that makes me want to read it...) and he's been doing his line of work for over 20 years (more like 30 I think...) and the only 2 pieces of work I know of his that are from his early days are THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP and THE HOTEL NEW HAMPSHIRE (sp?), both of which look mildly interesting and probably also include bits and/or paragraphs about the trials and tribulations of his line of work.

If I wrote books/stories/whatever worthy of publishing, I wouldn't have any reason to read anything by John Irving (I think it's with an "h"...still not 100% sure...). But since the publishing world relies on mediocrity so it can sell more books by more authors, I a) have a better chance of getting published, supposing I could ever finish anything I start writing and b) although, based on what people seem to think of John Irving's writing, he seems more likely less mediocre than some authors, but he's still not good enough to speak for all writers and/or himself. Published books are meant to be READ, by people of all walks of life, and they are meant to be about things that are CORE; important, elemetal to the human condition, not things like fashion, popularity, or all that junk. Writing about a person that wrote something that inspired you to write what you are currently writing is just writing in circles. Like technology, art should progress, not stagnate or go around itself.

Also, art HAS progressed, at least superficially. For movies, the technology that enables them to be made has changed, progressed, thus the audience CERTAINLY does not want to see a soiled old silent film, and, unfortunately, for books, the audience has degressed; is less intellegent, less inclined to read anything long winded and full of minor details, less understanding of a words' meaning etc.;...
So, given that books aren't anything like they were 150+ years ago, what book(s) speak to the hearts and minds of human beings on Earth? What book can be THE ULTIMATE book, the only book that should EVER be read (aside from instruction manuals and non-fiction/"non-fiction"...), the only book to show what generation you are from, to show aliens that your generation is not merely a bunch of ignorant lazy funk-heads and that people in your time, in your lifetime, actually had something to contribute?

What book?

A book that pays tribute to some other book by mentioning "the art of writing", or the very existence of books themselves?

annoyance is expensive

I hate computers. I only use them b/c nothing else does the things they do; I can connect with music at a virtually unlimited degree; listen to every CD and/or song, buy anything I want, usually for less than what my local store(s) have it for, supposing my local store(s) have it anyway, and listen to radio stations that don't play the payola game, talk to anybody that wants to be spoken to by me, speak my mind without being spoken to and/or feeling awkward for having spoken, write what I feel w/o wasting paper

but to do any of these tasks requires a GREAT deal of patience - too much, I say. By the time I'm old (enough?) I may very well have wasted over a year of my life waiting for my computer to turn on, load up, do what I told it to do and let me get to the point of entry so that I can get what I wanted to do done!

Blu-Ray players are computers - fact. I've heard this from someone who owns one, on amazon. They don't DO all the stuff that computers do, but they operate the same way, with tons of mechanisms and parts/pieces that loop and correlate w/ each other in multiple ways at a time, etc. etc.;...

I've never done this but if you think I'm full of it, then open up your computer and look inside of it and then open up your DVD player and look inside of it. DVD players are a heck of a lot more simple, even though they have "inferior" picture quality...

Personally, I think the best movies were made from 1968-1984, or somewhere around there...people back in those days actually knew how to make movies; movies that were made by amateurs got what little respect they deserved and that's as far as it went. These days major Hollywood studios pay top dollar for anyone who can read AND write + create scenarios with appealing dialogue etc.; nobody has to be skilled, they just have to know the basics.
GHOSTBUSTERS was a laugh riot when it was released, although I don't get the style of humor used in that film. Nonetheless, the visuals all around, the structure of the set designs, the attention to detail used to get the atmosphere(s) and mood(s) spot on are enough to keep me watching that film at least a few times a year. I could count numerous films and examples of them and how they transcend the "idea" of the film and can be looked at the way one looks at a painting, true "motion pictures" as they say...
And I could do the opposite for films made today. THE GRUDE (w/ Sarah Michelle Gellar) was a completely stupid film; the camera angles, the make up job on the ghost(s) or whatever that/those thing(s) were, the sense of atmosphere (or lack thereof), the acting, the believability of what was going on, IT WAS ALL WRONG! And I only saw the first 5 or so minutes of that film. GOTHIKA (sp?/w/ Halle Berry and R.D. Jr.) also had mediocre at best acting, fake and dull looking set designs, as well as SWEENEY TODD (although Tim Burton actually knows how to make movies, he just doesn't seem to be interested in trying much anymore...BIG FISH was pretty good, about the only good++ movie he's done in the last 5++ years).

And so considering how poor film quality was back in the era(s) when movies weren't just a place for people to inject popcorn into their bloodstream, and they actually had an emotional impact on whoever happened to be watching them, regardless of weather or not they "made sense", why should I care about blu-ray's "superior" picture quality? As if it's important anyway...even to this day, Blu-ray (from what I've heard) has better picture quality than any movie EVER shown in theaters (except maybe an IMAX movie...), and even a 52" TV totally fails to capture the MONSTROUSLY BIG screen(s) at most movie theatres. Not that I need my movies to be projected onto a screen that size, but there are, from what I've heard, films that truly do make a difference when viewed on the God-size screen of a movie theater; David Lynch's ERASERHEAD is one of them.

So anyway...

I really do hope blu-ray does not REPLACE dvd. I don't care if people wanna turn their home entertainment into a home chore, but for goodness sake, I really do hope I can at least replace my DVD player with something other than a Blu-Ray or Blu-Ray-ish player...I really do like my new HDTV - b/c I can listen to music through its speakers without being tempted to do something else which may (or may not, ya never know) interfere with the playback.

Not to mention computers are HUGE consumers of energy, costing lots of money and natural resource(s). I like my HDTV for that reason as well; there's no "energy hog" in the equation AND, unless I do something the instruction manual tells me specifically NOT to do, the TV, like I said, doesn't freeze up on a song or movie, nothing is interrupted.

Which is, Iwould think, the ideal home viewing/listening experience, especially for people with jobs that come home tired as heck; imagine something beatuful - like a paitning or a woman - chopped up into ten pieces.

you minus me

I tell you what I did, it's all trivial
I tell you what I thought, it's all bullspit
I tell you what I said, it's all in my head

I tell you what you did, thanx for your input
I tell you what you thought, you don't know jack
I tell you what you said, thanx for your input

You tell me what I did, you don't know why
You tell me what I thought, it's all bullspit
You tell me what I said, you don't remember

You tell me what you did, half the time
You tell me what you thought, you don't know how
You tell me what you said, I remember well

if I only we could all be so healthy...

I'm getting annoyed hearing about how AWFUL "regular" cat food is just b/c it has artificial preservatives and "gluten" (wth?)...EVERYBODY'S food has those things! If I didn't have ANY artificial preservatives in my food, it'd cost me $400 apprx a month to eat! As things are, I don't spend anymore than $200, and $200 is only if you count all the junk food I buy from convenience stores and fast food etc., which isn't too terribly cheap, but it's not like I eat fast food everyday - convenience store food isn't AS expensive, and I do probably spend about $1 or $2 a day on avg on "cappachinos" and Snickers and/or whatever...I usually spend less than $100 on groceries, although I have been known to spend about $20 more than what I get in food stamps (I just got my last installment of $107; my SSI just increased by $40 or so so I'm getting a $16 cut on food stamps, making it $91, which I'm pretty sure I can handle quite well, since lately I haven't been buying a lot of "fancy" food and using whatever extra I don't really NEED in f/s on my family, who have been struggling to make ends meet lately...)


So, if you read the in parethensis of what I wrote above this, I USUALLY spend about $175, not $200. and, yeah, I guess an extra $200 (maybe less) spent on food wouldn't be out of reach, especially if I "got off my lazy ass and got a job" (as those heartless jerks tend to say...), and I realize cat food is nowhere near as expensive as people food.

But seriously; why should cats get better quality food than (most) people? Just about everyone I've met eats trans/sat-fatty food from various fast food restaurants, don't give a darn about "artificial" preservatives, and some of them aren't too terribly unhealthy...

If there was PROOF that my beloved Napper (short for Napoleon for the uninitiated) would live longer by me cutting myself short by $10+, I'd probably get Natural Balance or something of the sort, but I know these "all natural", superior foods don't do good by Nap, 'cause my vet gave him prescribed food, which is needed b/c his body does not properly digest regular cat food, and I TRIED Natural Balance when I ran out of the vet-prescribed food, and he got sick again, couldn't urinate, had to stay in the vet for a week. The vet-prescribed food is made by the same people (I think) that make the all-abhored Science Diet cat food and he hasn't been in the vet for almost a year. He's almost 10 years old, too, and by around April or some Spring-time month, he WILL be 10 yrs old.

and BTW, the vet-food is actually more expensive than the Natural Balance cat food I gave Nap; over $10 more for ABOUT the same size bag.

B&N sux...but I still love them...

Well, I couldn't resist; I re-bought a B&N membership ($25) since my mom & sister were getting latte's for themselves anyway and there was a GREAT deal on a Phil Collins CD (which I've bought about 100 times already, I'm getting better, really!); NO JACKET REQUIRED for $7.99! That'd be a great deal ANYWHERE, but especially at B&N + a 10% discount!!

so I saved almost $3 in one trip; I plan to be getting more money later in the month in the form of a Circuit Breaker check, which I guess is supposed to give people rec'ing SSI a reason to keep living on $674 (as of 2009) a month...I mean, seriously; how is a mentally or physically disabled/impaired person who can't/won't work supposed to ever get a TV? Or a computer?

'not like I'm gonna blow all $400 that isn't already spoken for of the $660+ on B&N stuff; I'm really picky anyway AND I'm TRYING to keep myself from buying a bunch of junk...stuff that wouldn't really "qualify" as "junk" to most people tends to get resold for 1/3 or less of its original value when I buy it USED at a fair++ price; the % of loss would be that much worse if I get a bunch of NEW items at B&N...fact of the matter is, 10% is just that - 10%. If I'm gonna be the way I am and spend all my $100++ of personal spending $ on my own measily self, I might as well try to spread it out so I can have a better chance of getting something that I might actually want to keep...

as for that rude shet who hung up on me when I actually DID need help (those sales people are ALWAYS asking me if they can help me find something...ironic, IMO...), I can only pretend B&N hasn't intentionally kept a jerk on board to scare people like me, people who aren't "good enough" for them, away from their premises...B&N is still a neat place to go, and if it wasn't for that jerk, I probably wouldn't think twice about what I did today...luckily, his shift apparantly ended before I was even done looking around, so I didn't have to have him check me out...