a little better

 I've felt less bitter this week, although I've somehow got this sad feeling that me and my sister are not on good terms.  I don't really understand it or know what the solution is.  She says she's not mad at me.  ??

The week started off rocky in regard to my inner evil, I started off of course with Sunday, which was a double header of sorts.  I had church, and then a really great Bible study afterward and I came home and between being a bit fatigued and, me, I ended up giving in sometime at night, I don't really remember what time.  Monday I did OK, although I don't think I was reading The Bible enough.  I was around other believers again on Tuesday, and as I suspected, I came home and fell again.  However -- I took precautions and requested a ride to the Wednesday night church service, and managed to close out the day without the inner evil roaring its head and devouring me.  I stumbled a bit a few minutes before midnight Thursday (it's just barely Friday as I write this now...I really should be in bed......:/ ) but, honestly, I was just wasn't interested.  I was more interested in companionship and the notion of physical contact but I didn't see any indication of that occurring.  The sight of all the crazy videos for surveying was more cringe inducing than anything else.  Perhaps Jesus Christ has transformed my heart at least partway, already(!?!!)  It's really hard to say, because there's times when I'm like this, thinking clearly and doing a halfway decent job at behaving logically and then there's other times that I feel like a frog, just floating above the water like I have nowhere to be.

I need to read some of The Bible before I go to bed or be extra vigilent about reading it in the morning before I get busy with the day(!), so the bits of seed I sowed in my brain today don't sprout into a monster.  Even though I wasn't interested in that moment, I don't think that's a permanent reality.  Like I said, I've felt that way before.  In fact, I'm usually not interested in that sort of thing.  I go most of the day occupied with other things, things that aren't a direct affront to God, but then my mind goes that direction and I find myself moving closer to destruction in mind and then body and then in deed.  It's like my counselers keep telling me -- CLING TO CHRIST!  I know reading The Bible can be done in kind of a surface manner, without a whole lot of engagement, so that is something I need keep in mind to do my best to avoid, and instead try to be THANKFUL and submit my petitions to HIM and look brightly toward the future, not dimming my mind and being all gloomy etc.