more like rafting

Well, I can't say I'm prophesying and casting out demons, or that I feel JOY! sweet JOY!
I can say my worries have subsided.  It felt great being at church, I had only the nervous tug that goes when I fail to include the unfettered truth when people asked me how I am and I said "I'm doing pretty good".  And that's not The Holy Spirit, although it may be in line with His will.  I've been obnoxious about the whole Honesty Policy as far back as I can recall.  My sister was telling me I owed her X dollars less than what I had calculated and she kept coming up with responses when I called her upon this and I kept finding fault with them.  My mom eventually decided to expedite the conversation and said "she's giving you a break"  I turned back to facing my sister and said "Is this true?" and my sister said "yes" or something to that effect.  And that settled it.
Anyway.
I'm not satisfied with the richness of my soul, but I know that is rectifiable.  I felt welcome into church.  I am feeling optimistic about the future.  The fact that I managed to get through and beyond church on less than 5 hours of sleep is a miracle on its own.  The only drawback I felt during church was a hunger for physical nourishment due to my puny breakfast (I had 2/3 serving of grape nuts and a couple Keebler cookies; a good caloric intake, but not as much nutrition as I probably needed, since cookies are nothing but lard basically).
I did get a good size nap in from 3pm to after 6.  And yet again I got to sleep around 9 pm and got about 8 hours of sleep broken up by a few hours, so that I wasn't fully up and at'em until 10am.  I should have mowed the lawn even though it was The Sabbath.  I was thinking it would be wrong, because it was The Sabbath, but then I realized how much rest I am free to partake in due to the government's assessment of my emotional weaknesses etc.  This book my mom heard about she's been reading and hasn't spoken about much since she began, she said before she started that it's premise is taking a look at mental illness in a more Biblical perspective because not all abnormal or immoral behavior can be definitively explained by psychology, much less treated by psychiatrists.
I do need to keep chewing on the idea of venturing outward.  I don't think I am designed to live in a tent like Paul did and climb steep mountains to reach untouchable people groups.  Maybe that was in my capacity at birth, but my physical health and whatever the heck my major malfunction is has changed all that.  I can however most likely find something to do with my time that isn't so wasteful and /or selfish.
In time.  God is probably ready when I am.  But He's here to help me get ready.  I just need to keep asking.  The less I ask God for favors, the less I find myself mindful of the favors at hand.  I personally don't find myself in need of anything particular.  The only thing I need is God.  God is far more satisfying than anything on this planet and even though electricity and infrastructure have yet to fail me, they are not built to withstand the ravages of time and God did not design man to live forever.  I as my great grandparents and even some of my grandparents already, and their parents before them, will not be sitting on this computer desk forever, freely able to go get more sandwich supplies when hungry and plug into Spotify to fill my molecules with color.  This state of existence will either be destroyed by changes within society, or government paperwork errors, or the deep dark absennce of God or the great pulsating magnification of His presence as my skin is made new and my eyes are unveiled to see fully the Majesty of God The Father.