still floating

I'm trying to be more mindful of the Sabbath lately and more open with my time and resources (money).  I'm doing kind of a half assed job with Sabbath.  So much is so easily accessible.  The Bible is easily bought, but it's never easy to read.  I guess I could start reading that Study Bible I got from a dude who attended (possibly still attends) Legacy Church in Marietta's Men's Bible Study.  Sadly his name is not coming to mind.  I have to be in church in exactly 6 hours 9 minutes and I'm not even finished typing this, even farther from laying down and sleeping.

Anyway...not even sure what my point is.  There's so much I'm off the point regarding.  I believe in the power of The Holy Spirit.  Someone on some Bible theology website said "What is The Holy Spirit like?  Look at Jesus.  That's what The Holy Spirit is like."  (paraphrasing here).  I honestly don't know how that answers my question.  Jesus' personality was not in any way detailed in The Bible.  He's depicted as being kind and loving, but you really don't get a sense of Him as a Person.  He doesn't even speak on His own accord, but that of The Father.  And it's not like anything else about Jesus was documented.  Jesus is The Savior, Mankind's Hope for a better life.  And he did everything he could to hammer that message home to people with every minute of his 3 year ministry -- which is only partially documented with very little else about His life on record.

So the question is: What do I say to God?  People have said "Say what's on your heart".  What's on my heart?  Usually it's nothing.  As far as I can tell.  When it's not nothing, it's "Hey, that was hilarious" or "Damn, I'm horny" or "Father, please forgive me for being so depressed" or "F---ng internet is screwing up.  Yiyyyyyyyyg!"  Does God want me to say those things to Him?  I can ask Him to better me in all these ways.  But from the writings of Paul, and the teachings of Jesus, it really does seem like mankind is expected to simply do as told, with no ifs ands or buts.  If only it were indicated somewhere in the actual text how much of Jesus' teaching is an exaggeration and how much of it is to be taken at face value.  My pastor says the whole cut off your foot if it makes you stumble into sin and kill yourself if you love life etc...., is meant to imply "do everything you can to avoid sin".  My question is: How all encompassing is EVERY THING?  The Lord's Prayer says "Please forgive our trespasses as we have forgiven our trespassers"  But I don't know how to even do that.  I can't seem to let go of my anger.  I can't seem to let go of my judgement.  I don't know how to let go of my welfare recipient status or at the very least get the fkn lawn mowed once in a while before it gets 5 inches tall and needs to be done twice back2back.  I don't even know how to make friends with people and "love them like Jesus" as the ever popular Casting Crowns sang in one of their songs.

I keep asking for help in these things but I always sense that I don't wnat what I'm asking for enough for God to grant it.  And if that is the case...........ugh.  I keep forgetting I've earned Hell 10x over and do NOT deserve anything better.  I keep wondering if that's a way of saying "If I were God, everything I touch would turn to ash" and therefore I should expect the same from He is Actually IS God, or if God's love is a crime that we humans are supposed to be pleasantly surprised with.