6.16

 Still somewhat failing to keep myself afloat.  I've been praying incessantly today, asking God to revive my spirit, to impart His will to me, to replace my will with His.  I at one point earlier today thought I was perhaps violating Jesus' command to stop using so many words because talking more does not increase God's knowledge or level of concern.  But I just don't know what to say.  I run out.  Idk.  Jesus didn't exactly chant His prayer, but He did model for us an example of urgent prayer in the garden of Gethsemane(is that the word I'm looking for?....🤔..uh...)

I'm distracted.   My sister just texted me.  Doubtful this is the final chapter here.

CONT'D

I'm back.

Hmm.  I don't know if me praying is of any consequence.  I felt like I was being disrespectful of God's promises or ungrateful or something... like "Relax!  I don't need to radically transform you.  If I decide to do so, you'll find out in due time.". Idk.  I don't even know what specifically I want or need from God.  I'm already saved from His wrath.  I think...?  I would like to be more productive in my walk with God.  I don't personally care so much about the particular sins I commit.  I just don't want to be hiding from the church to avoid mis representing the church to outsiders.  People come in and they're like "Look at what kind of change God has made in ordinary people!  We WERE ordinary but now we're a bunch of weirdos!  But don't gaze to long at that guy over there.  He's stupid...or something...". Idk.  I guess I should just quit trying to measure myself by other churchgoers.  I'm not your average church goers.  I might grow to be more like one as time goes on.  I might not.  I need to quit latching onto every piece of word that I get sent to me.  I need to take what I get in context.  I do think my pastor was into something when he said quit judging your brother based on the different measure of faith he's given.  I don't think the people I'm being desciples by truly agree with that notion.  That's on them. I need to seek approval from God.  Not let myself be sized up and chopped down by other people.