increasiment

 I increased my The Holy Bible reading this morning.  I read a whopping 3 chapters of John's gospel as opposed to the one chapter I'd been reading lately.  I wasn't expecting that to result in a more difficult fight.  The sinful inclinations dwelling within me rose up and I was, as usual, unwilling to put up a fight.  :/

I need to double down on this and keep doing so.
One thing that got me a little deterred was the notes saying that if you don't obey God you're not a Christian, or something to that effect.  I have no idea how to interpret that snippet of theology / fact other than if you disobey God, you're not a Christian.  I mean, seriously...what does Jesus command me to do?  The ten basic commandments are not DOS.  They are DONTS.  The only "do" in there is to honor your parents.  I guess? I've been doing a better job at that...for the longest time I don't believe I was, and I can't seem to to convince anyone that I am not the scum of the earth for "abusing" my mom from the beginning of my conscious existence until whenever.  I have not forgiven everyone, although I think (?) I've been successful at not demanding anything from anyone, although saying that just now reminded of 1-2 hour long chain-yanking that my brother in law enticed me into, so I got distracted and sent him an email.  OK, so that half-baked success is now no-baked.  So I'm a sexual monster, a disrespectful punk AND I'm a murder.  So HOW CAN I BE SURE I'M A CHRISTIAN?  God's promises were not directed to me.  God "loved Jacob and hated Esau"  That point gets brought up almost every Sunday at my church.  I maybe just need to stop attending that church, idk.  The names in the Book Of Life have not been revealed.  No supernatural power has spoken distinctly saying "Your name is in the book of life" or "You ARE a child of God"  So what basis do I have to think I'm saved?

We talked about this yesterday, me and my counselor.  He seems convinced I'm a Christian because I've read The Bible and am not refusing to believe what The Bible says very clearly.  Obviously, there is a class of human who takes the truth and pretends it's different than what it is so they don't feel as guilty or whatever.  That's not spiritual blindness.  That's dishonesty.  If there's one Christian virtue I'm good on, it's honesty.  That's not because I have The Holy Spirit.  I have always been honest.  I guess I'm more honest than I used to be, but I'm still not going to give Bible tracts to my roommates and get kicked out of my dwelling space b/c of or stand up in church and say "Forgive me bretheren, I have masturbated this past week"  I don't even forsee confessing my sin via text message, although I have given my counselor a link to this blogpost, so maybe this suffices...except that's not really a confession, so :OK, I MASTURBATED THIS MORNING (AYGGG)

I don't know what I'm even talking about yakyakyak..............