the worm and the heart

 and the worm came upon Jesus and, in awe and adoring, said to Jesus, "Sir, are you my ma'am El?"

Jesus scratched his head.  "Uhh.....uh..hm.  No?..."

Ok, now that I got that out.
Been feeling walled in.  I don't know what to make of it.  I feel like I'm condemned by the people who live with me.  I have a well traversed history of being angry and stating it in an angry fashion.  I'm slowly learning the value of staving off anger and, more so, to speak not of it.  I spoke rather harshly to my sister two or 3 days ago, and I still have not found the will to give any kind of heartfelt apology and I feel like she's just biding her time until I can be whirled up out of her life or something.  I can't afford to move out and she might barely be able to, if she wanted me out badly enough.
I have only a fundamental notion of what she believes and it basically consists of Godly living doesn't cost money and therefore I'm evil for buying things.  I don't set aside money for random emergencies and I don't save up for things like my TV burning out.  Credit cards are evil, so it is imperative that I save up or else I'm a slave to the credit card companies.  My disagreement is insignificant because she has a degree in accounting and I don't have a degree in accounting.  Therefore she's my boss and I don't submit to her authority therefore she's transferring representative payee status to someone else.  This is going to take at least a month (maybe 27 days, same freakin' thing) and nobody has any actual knowledge of what this is going to accomplish and nobody cares because she insists upon taking the general guidelines for being a representative payee to the very last letter and doing so is too stressful for her to carry out.  So unless my psychiatrist signs off on me being my own representative payee I have no idea what's going to come of anything.  As far as I'm concerned I have no money to buy anything.  Hopefully I'll be able to maintain at least paying the minimum payment on my Amazon . com store card and have access to Spotify.  Beyond that, I don't know if I'm going to be punished for tithing.  I'm not planning to buy Christmas gifts beyond what I've already bought.  I have no ability to plan anything.  My sis told me a month or two ago that reppayees appt'd by gov't take a cut of the money.  How much?  I have no idea.  My sister never bothered writing out a lease, so I'm technically not even paying rent.  I'm basically just giving my sister some money to help her out with the cost of things.  How is that rep payee going to respond to that?  For all I know, if (s)he's as tight ass as my sister, I may have my SSI revoked entirely.  DAMN.  I'm thinking that *probably* won't happen.
My mom and my sister talk a good talk about righteousness and a lack of anger, but seem incapable of behaving in a manner that isn't cold and inconsiderate and / or downright infuriating.  I just need to quit expecting anything out of people.  Only God adds value to anything born out of humans.