:/

https://open.spotify.com/track/1jsmQvdY61oHFi32lC6JUd?si=1ef48ee4102241f1

 This guy's newer EP "Manna Pt 1" is awesome.  I really connected with it.  My sister recommended another of his albums from a little further back titled LET THE GROUND REST.  It's basically just redundant "You're Good, thank YOU!"  Very one dimension which I suppose is palatable for people that have enough sense and enlightenment to obey Him and then draw from the well of His comfort.  It doesn't even seem like the older CD is even as inventive musically, which might be connected to the "narrow road" analogy that Jesus teaches...not sure.

slowly gaining a little bit of minor traction...................

 ...

For the past couple of months+, I'd been finding myself failing to live upright at various levels daily.
Some days I'd take a peek, some days I'd glance, and many other days I'd take a full on gander, and practically bathe in it.  Well, last week, during the later part of November, I managed to entirely abstain for ONE day.  (Ya, a whole whopping day, IKR??!)
This week I've done it again.  I'm strongly suspecting that today will be a whole day TWO.  TWO days in one week.  Still, I know, sick, how can someone even call himself a Christian being like this?  Well, that's an equation I just can't unpack succinctly.  The Bible doesn't even unpack it.  Paul talks about the battle of two natures but then follows it up with "Who will set me free from this?  Christ Jesus will."  He doesn't specify if he's expecting this to occur in this life or the next or either which one.  I get the impression he's talking about the present timeline rather than "when I get to Heaven everything will be better"...  I don't know what sins Paul even refers to in that passage.  Paul was the closest thing to sinless that anyone can be.  His sins are not documented in scripture anywhere.  They're not even hinted at.  I get the impression that if Paul and I met he'd punch me in the face.
Anyway....I hope I can stay on the high road and if I do get tempted, at least try to make use of this "fighter verse" that my brotherly counselor instructed me to write on a 3x5 card.  Last couple times I fell I completely forgot about it.  The times prior to then I did not have the verse written down, even though I had the instruction to get it written down.

Metamovies ........

 Too much meta

Even The Exorcist was partly a meta film. Someone walks in asking "What is that those guys with the camera and everyone are doing?"

A: making a movie

Which one?

It could be any movie.

Well this movie came out in 1973. So it couldn't have been ANY movie...

What does it matter? It's just a movie.

What's just a movie?

Ok, let's say they're filming The Godfather...

That doesn't look anything like any scene from The Godfather

There's literally no legitimate resolution to such a conversation. Most movies made at the time of The Exorcist have little to no interest to modern cinema goers. You simply have to accept The Exorcist despite the dumbasfuck decision to have a character in the story who is an actress. She could have been been anyone --- any number of people who operate in the parameters of the REAL world rather than the hyper-circus life known as Hollywood.  

The Exorcist has outlived many films of and even after its day. The film that ushered in the "era of the box office", JAWS, was not half the film that The Exorcist is. 1976s THE OMEN was not half of what The Exorcist is. It'd be 5 years before horror audiences got a halfway decent horror film with INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. Modern movie goers in general had to wait a year less with George Lucas' STAR WARS. And I don't care what anyone says, if you can't appreciate the original film as it was structured (minor technical failures can and had been fixed loooooong before DVD and Blu Ray...) then you're an idiot. Unless you're Alec Guiness in which case you're just weird...in a weird way..

So ya, anyway.... There were some actually good movies that came out in the late '60s and early '70s that are void of pompous self serving "everyone wants to be meee!" garbage.

  I think THE GRADUATE was entertaining although the core ideas of the book by Charles Webb were a little less immediate since Dustin Hoffman was kind of dorky and gruff looking. The book was about having everything everybody wants and still not being satisfied. In the movie, Dustin Hoffman comes off as a man who doesn't seem to fit in his shell and is misunderstood by his parents and his parents' friends. But I can't fault the film for being void of style or being boring. 2001: A Space Odyssey was a really good piece of artistry on display. It stylistically told its ' story and seamlessly mixed elaborately extended montages. It is a little long and like anything else if you're not in the mood for it can be either boring or aggravating.

THE GODFATHER was extremely artful in its execution and was extremely entertaining although it fed into people's misconceptions about the Mafia life being this grande thing and gave people this bs notion that there is something honorable about being in a family of thieves and murderers.

Then THE EXORCIST. It would have been virtually perfect except for this one glaring matter that no amount of editing can undo.

So if Christianity isn't offensive and you're like most people, saying to yourself "What's the big deal?", then I'd strongly recommend giving THE EXORCIST a watch. And all of the films mentioned with any shred of good tidings are also worthwhile. But I can see some younger film goers being a little underwhelmed... filmmaking has, technically, evolved a good deal since those days but I do think the quality is still there regardless. The sensibilities of the filmmakers are not so far removed from todays' that it feels like it's hemmed in or constrained. I don't watch a lot of movies from the 40s and 50s because many of them feel very stripped, almost like I'm watching a stage production rather than a motion picture. Which I guess is probably how a lot of people feel watching most movies from before the 1990s. So ...idk.......... I guess it doesn't really matter.. :/

  

FB

 I don't remember exactly why but I reactivated my Facebook account a few days ago.

I've been just really hazy headed for the past 5 days+/-.  Maybe it's been longer than that, I'm not sure.  Days seem like they just tick by as unremarkably as sand passing through an hour glass.

Still having difficulty staying away from/fleeing immorality.  I was doing kinda sorta better the week before, I think, but not enough to cause anyone else to care.  Just the same as always; "You're going to die!!!, unless you stopppp!".  I have two people that counsel me.  The other guy is a bit more sympathetic toward me.  Neither one of them are hateful or anything but just this back and forth "You're saved. It doesn't matter what you do." vs "You better be afraid!". Idk.

I'm having an extremely difficult time being mindful of the sacrifice God made for mankind and the ramifications of it. Someone suggested I look into computer science or something and make a career out of that.  I was just thinking how painfully exhausted I'd likely be each day.  I'd go to work, come home and HOPEFULLY just go to sleep except I'd be wanting to enjoy some of the time I have on earth so I'd try listening to music but it'd end up being as cold and empty as anything else because I'd be too tired to pay it any mind.  Idk.  It might not be that bad.  But I don't know why anyone would pay for me to go to college.  Getting a loan for it at this point even seems unlikely.

For the sake of purity...

 

This post is kindofa two in one.  I started writing it and then while in the middle of it a friend called me.  

1)"To the pure, all things are pure, but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure; but both their minds and their consciences are defiled."

I feel like I'm stuck in a pattern of negative thoughts.  Even when I'm happy, there's still some negative something or other nestled in the midst of the scenery.

I don't know what I can do about this.  I read The Bible fairly regularly, probably not as frequent as I could and should.  I ask Him for more power and ability to be self controlled and willing to serve, to serve Him joyfully.  

2)My friend says he can see change occurring in me.  I can't see it but I'm trusting between his insights and, not least, God's power and GREAT LOVE for people ("...for God so loved the world..."), that I will be healed of my illnesses.

LoFl

 Lord of the Flies was contrasted with an actual incident from 1965, when a group of schoolboys on a fishing boat from Tonga were marooned on an uninhabited island and considered dead by their relatives. The group not only managed to survive for over 15 months but "had set up a small commune with food garden, hollowed-out tree trunks to store rainwater, a gymnasium with curious weights, a badminton court, chicken pens and a permanent fire, all from handiwork, an old knife blade and much determination". When ship captain Peter Warner found them, they were in good health and spirits. Dutch historian Rutger Bregman, writing about the Tonga event, called Golding's portrayal unrealistic

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_of_the_Flies#

Lord of the Flies presents a view of humanity unimaginable before the horrors of Nazi Europe, and then plunges into speculations about mankind in the state of nature. Bleak and specific, but universal, fusing rage and grief, Lord of the Flies is both a novel of the 1950s, and for all time.

—Robert McCrum, The Guardian.[7]

It really seems like people have too good of a view of mankind.
It also seems like people have too negative of a view of mankind.
Evil can and sometimes does eclipse or enshroud any perceptible goodness in a person.
However, people can be taught how to overcome evil with good.
I'd heard an old pastor quote some other guy saying of the concept of "necessary evil": "Evil becomes regarded as increasingly necessary and less evil"
People have had the attitude of "necessary evil" in regard to just about every perceivable act of depravity, from lying and cheating to sexual immorality and ultimately even murder (although abortion isn't murder, and when else has anyone ever felt justified killing another human being?).  When you take God out of the equation, as people, to varying degrees, tend to do, all bets are off.  And when I say "God", I'm talking about the God that IS DESCRIBED in The Bible.  Regardless of what "people say", The Bible is clear about who God is.  If you're confused about who God is at some point while reading it, there are plenty of people to talk to about different things.  People try to talk about The Holy Bible as if it's two separate writings.  It's not.  The Old Testament is not "The God of Wrath" who is replaced in The New Testament as "The God of Love".  God has always had a high standard and has always had compassion and understanding and has always expected people to trust Him. People today who reject what Yahweh has spoken will suffer the same fate as those who God told to take hold of the Promised Land and refused to do so, instead whining and crying about how evil they think God is. 
People are "basically good", to an extent.  It's not because people are incapable of evil, it's because God has provided instruction on how to live from the beginning when He created Adam.  People have since then taken His instruction and refused to acknowledge the giver OF the instruction, and have tried to tweak His instructions to suit their needs, just like the stereotypical Gordon Gekko - wannabe type who wants a bigger slice of the pie and ends up throwing their business partner under a bus to get it.  Who says there's anything wrong with THAT?!  Who?  Really, WHO?  You?  Why does Mr. BigShot care what YOU think?  Or what your friends and relatives, and/or your neighbor think?  Or his own neighbors and relatives for that matter?  You want something badly enough, whose to stop you from getting it other than your own ineptitude?  God doesn't force people to love Him and act in His ways.  If He did, life would certainly be EASIER for all of humanity...if only we had no free will, sure...
aaaaanyway....

the burning skindin (title added 3:07pm)

(I wrote this midmorning.  I added a random title at 3:07pm same day)

Ppl of the church I'm going to decided to gather around talking all cocky about the supposed differences between them and other Christians because of their interpretation of the "Sovereignty of God" / Calvinism described in Romans 9.

There might be some nuances of error or I could be entirely off base but the bottom line is man has the freedom to do what he wants but does not have the knowledge or wisdom to make the best decisions.  God could come down and say "Hey!  Stop going that way!", but He doesn't.  People end up going too far too long and they end up blinded by sin.  That blinding effect can be offset however.  My mom has always tried to instill in me generosity and kindness.  Neither of us practice either of those as well as we should but the affinity for looking out for others and such was part of my upbringing.  My mom didn't know what she was accomplishing in doing that.  But God knew, even before it was happening/had happened.  God was able to reach me because of that.  I can already hear people crying out "self righteousness!". Bull!  What am I "taking credit" for?  The work that other people have done?  And I say people, plural, because someone in my mom's life instilled that in her before she gave birth to me.  And so on.  

God could have, instead of saying "If you don't obey God, other people are going to get the wrong idea and go to Hell", which He does say in 1 Peter.  But in Romans 9, the emphasis is on God's omnipotence and the fact that The Holy Spirit seals believers with rock solid faith whereas other people are going to parish despite God's ability to save them.  There is no injustice with God.  God does not have to do everything conceivable to stop people from becoming evil.  He could, but He doesn't want to.  That is how I interpret Romans 9, because I'm not just looking at the paper and ignoring the world around me.  The Bible doesn't encourage people to detach their faith from their everyday observations.  Yes, our own bodies are at work against us.  The culture is to varying degrees polluted.  That's why The Bible gives clear instruction on how to live.  If your body says "Go to her", you have God's word saying DON'T.  If your friend says "come to the mosque", you know not to.  Does that mean your ability to see the mountains and your desire for peace and comfort are also untrustworthy?  Of course not!  The Bible doesn't say anything about giraffs.  Does that mean the devil put giraffs here?  

Ugh.  I'm probably not being very "nice" idk...

Crystalized

 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0141907/?ref_=nm_flmg_t_15_act

Town & Country (2001) just strikes me as a movie that was just after it's time.  I don't know why really but the NYC Jewish lineup of Hollywood stars such as him and Warren Beatty, Billy Crystal, and other guys whose names I'm not familiar with precisely because their time was just about ending when I got old enough to explore movies and find out about whose who.  People like Jack Nicholson and Al Pacino were still going strong in 1997/1998, but people like Billy Crystal, although I knew his name well enough, even he was on his way out.  He did one film before he was basically all but disappeared from Hollywood and since then he's basically been doing voice work for people who are too young to care who's who in anything.  I don't think anyone has anything against those actors, really...other than people who've always been dumbfounded anytime an actor gains any kind of starpower...but they have like an aesthetic that, just like any other, I guess, seems to have been pushed over to make way for a newer aesthetic.
I think some of it may be their NYC - ness...NYC used to be where it was all at.  Any town that wanted to be anything basically took its' cues from them.  Nowadays, all NYC is good for is Wall Street.  Nobody longs to visit NYC and experience all of the various hotspots.  And I think that might be because of a variety of factors.  The "back to the roots" strategy of people who have enough dollars and sense to choose healthy foods has probably opened people's eyes to the beauty of other, more natural, environments and I think there's been a moderate uptick in Christianity in that time and Christianity is against the materialism that NYC ultimately stood for and still does.  

Idk...I might be just basing all of this on my own small glimpse of what's going on, ie the people around me and things I've heard people say, which is not the greatest indicator of anything...Maybe NYC actually was still The Big Apple even in 2012, 2013 +/-  Maybe it's just me that's being drawn away from it.

Facebook is gone

 I deleted my Facebook account yesterday.  I don't even remember why.  I think I might have had a reason that actually makes sense............  I was seriously wanting to switch email to some other thing but I could not for the life of me figure out how to port everything over and I was having difficulty deciding how much I actually wanted to port over.  I was trying to delete unwanted passwords from my password manager on Google Chrome and the mobile browser was apparantly NOT taking me seriously.  :/

I've been grumbly all afternoon it feels like, more and more.  I need to lighten up and be grateful and joyous.  I really have virtually nothing to be grim about.  I think I'm more sleepy than I'd like to be so I can't take as much advantage of the things I enjoy in this life and of course this life should be all about service to God and my fellow man, but I'm honestly coming up blank regarding how to carry that out in this moment.  I'm just sitting here biding my time.  .....  I guess I really just need to go to sleep.  It seems ridiculously early and it doesn't make any sense to me to think that I need to sleep.  But idk, I didn't take my mental health medicine yesterday, and I am a freakin' weirdo (psychosis)...maybe that's as much explanation as I can expect.........

I wrote this down because I couldn't get my thoughts straightened out just thinking

I have been arrogant and have acted in accordance with it. Arrogance still lingers within me as I struggle to acknowledge the inherent goodness of your call to humility. I don't know how far I'm supposed to go in that. Am I wrong in wanting clear communication about pertinent issues or expressing my frustration in not getting them? I honestly don't know how to "gently restore" someone on this matter. I don't recall finding anything in Your words about communication. I lack the generosity and patience necessary to be content with this reality of the way my sister responds to what I say. I don't know how to ask you for it without doubting. How can I keep from doubting when your response is so difficult to discern? Yes, no, wait and maybe all look alike for at least a little while. Sometimes a rather long while. I feel like I'm a drain on you. It would not surprise me to find that you've spat me out already. I wish I were more rightfully sorry but all I feel is my own sorrow.