Today started out great. I don't know what happened. I feel like today has been a dark day. My mom was talking under her breath while the worship leader was leading prayer and since then I've been consumed with varying levels of negativity, ranging from boredom, impatience and judgement as well as sadness and regret. Yesterday I snapped at a Target employee who was either very inexperienced or wasn't all that bright. She almost took my entire $10 bill when I had already made it as clear as anyone could that I wanted to pay $11 out of the $13 total with my EBT card. Thankfully I noticed that she was about to make that mistake, but I could have handled myself better. She responded to my anger with more anger, and I felt ashamed, but of course there was nothing I could do about it. I prayed to God this morning and I think I prayed to God sometime since that particular time yesterday, but the fact and memory remains.
I just woke up from a 2.5 hour nap. I ate a bunch of sandwiches for a snack of sorts, and I don't feel too hot about that either. I wasn't happy while I was doing it and I don't even remember what it was that was mad about. Obviously nothing worth additional weight gain.
I have no idea what to make of what the pastors were saying. Nothing they said made any sense. Someone might go to Hell if I don't tell them(him/her) about Christ. I thought about efforts I could make on the way home and I thought any random person I say "hi" to and responds could be an opportunity to create a friendship that could lead to salvation for either them or someone they know. So I thought for a moment; what if I walked and just kept looking forward? Obviously I''m not committed to making friends or I would have done it by now or at least tried. Then I thought ":baby steps". It may not mean anything; right now, it doesn't. Baby steps on their own mean nothing. And I can't guarantee they'll ever mean anything, nor can God Himself. However, there may come a time my baby steps may accumulate into a mini-walk that may slip into a sprint, and things could change before my third eye can protest too much. I don't know. I'm not even sure if I love God enough to be "earnest" in my prayers if I prayed a request for opportunity. Pastor said something about people's attitude of themselves, using an analogy regarding windows vs. mirrors, the difference being windows you can see what's beyond your house and mirrors are just reflections. Damn. I listen to music an awful lot. What is music other than a mirror? I guess I need to go for more walks. I'm definitely not committed enough to God to walk in this muddy water that's pouring from the sky.
Ok, I suck. I don't know why I was about to type more. It means nothing. My feelings are so damn easily manipulated. Tomorrow I may very well wake up as if today never happened. I don't think so. It's not like I'm shallow...not to brag or anything...idk...
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