I wish there was some way to cure my nephew's sadness. I keep hearing him crying and whining. He hasn't quite learned how to talk yet. Sometimes he whines just to try to change the situation that he's less than satisfied with and sometimes he spends entire days teetering on the edge of a meltdown. He usually comes out the other side OK, more than...What's really annoying is I have no idea why he's crying when I'm not upstairs watching everything that goes on like a guard. Guarding is my mom's job. She has $300 worth of turtle supplies as payment (not really; I think that's more or less a coincidence b/c she's our mom and my sister is just that nice :) ).
It is somewhat comforting to know that there's seriously nothing I'd be able to do if Joseph does end up crying out of serious injury. I have my headphones on alot of the day. I'm not proud of it. I can't justify it to someone who isn't me. Or someone who isn't an expert on mental illness, which is 99.999% of the world, or at least the world surrounding myself (the USA). I reckon there's some psychiatrists who don't really understand mental illness because it's not something many people are willing to understand. People either want to think you can blame your problems on your wiring or say that wiring doesn't exist and that you choose your wiring. Both schools of thought are flawed in obvious ways. I myself am struggling to understand what exactly "Free will" is, and what it's role is in the life of a Christian or a non Christian for that matter. I don't even know if the phrase "Free will" is in The Bible. If it is, I doubt it's a direct translation of whatever language was used in the original transcriptions of God's word. Gr.
So anyway;
It is half expected that I be zoned out for some of the day. I probably / might be grilled for not paying attn or not noticing the horrowing screams if Joseph did get injured, but I'm always being blamed for stuff that I have no right to be blamed for, usually small stuff that I feel my mom gets way too caught up in, although she's been forced to focus on things in life that extend beyond how clean the house is or isn't. She's been better lately with not correcting me about using the wrong word for x or y. She repeatedly would correct me about referring to insects and spiders as "bugs". She kept telling me "bug" is slang for 'insect', which makes absolutely no sense. Insect is a precise --- aka scientific --- word. It's a definition is precise. The word "bug" is not precise. It's slang. It does not have any root in science. It's street talk. How someone could not realize this even after 2 or 3 miniature confrontations about the matter is appalling to me. She must have corrected me half a dozen times, at least. There's more stuff like that I'm not remembering, not that it matters anyway. I'm supposed to "not count it against her"...but it keeps happening. Living my days requires me to expect nothing but good from people and to be constantly torn down with disappointment. It's like I have to be emotionally detached from my own mom's existence, like I'm Mellow Yellow walking on a cloud. And then she gets pissed off at me for that too and what do I care? It's forgiven. Nothing can hurt me b/c I have faith in Jesus. There's definitely nothing strange to complain about, so why sweat it?
man, this blogpost is a mess.
whatever.
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