ticking

Time is running out for me to be what I should be.  I feel like I'm a robot or something.  I have no friends.  I have acquiantances from church.  I feel like if I had to give an account of my life, it'd be something like "I was a spoiled brat who never appreciated anything I was given and never gave what was appreciated".  

I can't quite figure out what "Obey his commands" means.  If I did that, I would be King by now.  I don't know anyone who fits that criteria.  I sometimes fear that a much larger % of people are going to Hell than many people believe.  Not only much of "The world" but also a great deal of what makes up "the church".  I know that's a fruitless thought, but I don't know what else to think.  More so I don't know what to make of this whole concept of "not by good works" -- people say it's all Jesus' doing.  "All you have to do is follow his leading".  That's it?  Is it really so difficult for God to bear with us humans that a Herculaneum task that I've been given can be minimized to "ALL you have to do..."???  I understand, albeit in vague terms, that NOT following God is a destructive path, but I have no map to clear me out of that path.  There is no formula for figuring out the way out of this path.  

idk.  The Bible is an important tool.  I need to take more consideration into reading it.  It occurs to me that "spending time with" The Lord means reading His word and I really should do that because that's pretty much all I know to do that would alleviate this feeling of uncertainty.  There are so many things that I do wrong and/or fail to do altogether that should be done.  I don't really like to sit down and read, but I know The Bible is a must, regardless of my personal interests.  

  I really wish people would quit speaking all figuratively.  "How beautiful is The Cross!"  BARF.  "The cross"??.  There are MANY crosses.  Crucifixion was The Roman death penalty.  Nothing beautiful can be said about anybody's death.  Jesus dying was not beautiful.  What's beautiful is God's love.  "This is my body, broken for you".  That is one of many examples of God's love for us.  You can read that and not understand a word of it.  You can't put into words the love that is God's.  That's why we have music.  Music, when treated as such, can add a depth that words just can't.  Unfortunately, music in church is often either rainy sounding or extremely simplistic.  I hardly ever hear anyone use music to reverently and truthfully convey God's place in the hearts of man.  Oh, and while I'm sitting here bitching, why don't I say this --- YO CHURCH LEADERS --- Quit singing about God in the 3rd person.  You don't worship someone by talking about Him like he's a far off concept rather than Your King!  God comes to church with you.  He comes hoping for you to worship Him.  He doesn't show up so you can convince yourselves that He's worthy of praise.  Songs like "Praise him, Praise him, God in the highest!"  Seriously?  Praise is a verb.  Saying 'Praise' is not praise.  Why sing about Praising God corporately when there's no corporate plans of praise?  My old church had a pretty good schedule.  There was a specific time where we were to let out our praises to God.  So when I stood up singing "Praise God" with whatever melody some so and so composed at some point in the past I may not have felt very reverent as I should have felt in those moments, but at least it wasn't because of a hypocrisy in the design.

I know I **SHOULD** priase God in my spare time.  But I honestly don't know how.  I know how to say THANK YOU, but I don't know how to PRAISE God.  I don't know how to tell God HEY, THAT WAS AWESOME -- GOOD JOB, MY LORD!  I don't believe any human has any business telling God how good He is.  God IS good---all the time.  The only people that need to hear that are those that don't know it already and there are many.  God knows He's good.  Weather or not I recognize it or not is completely irrelevant.  It is for my own benefit that I recognize God's goodness, not His.

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