Apparently my salvation is pending. idk. I sent an email to my mom basically telling her that my "disrespectful" behavior that she so despises me for should not be held against me because she taught me how to speak. Yes, I am expected by God to rise above that, but God's word does not make that an easy task. There's like 3 or 4 chapters that vaguely talk about how we should speak to one another, and if I were to carefully consider every single solitary word that I say before I say it, A) I would not be talking much at all B) I would probably be doing the same with everything I do and be sin-free. I'd be the poster child of Christianity. Which i guess would be better than me to going to Hell. People would probably be telling me stupid shit like "Are you OK? You're talking a lot less lately...", basically implying that it's not OK for me to quit carelessly talking.
Of course, the humility is the issue, really. I was supposed to go an entire week+ without giving in opinion or input. I failed in some way(s). I know I failed in numerous ways, but I don't know how I'm supposed to communicate anything without giving my opinion. I can listen, sure. I can ask questions. But even a simple open ended question can be perceived as giving input, so I don't know what the point in that is. My mom gets t.o.'d at me when I ask her if she's mad at me, except her version is "I'm mad because your accusing me of being mat at you!". And of course, a simple "How are you feeling?" is met with either "Why do you want to know?" or "I don't want to talk about how I feel" Seriously seems like I'd be more beneficial to society without sucking up money for electricity and medicine, not bothering anyone, not disappointing anyone. Sure I'd be wigging out over spiders and all kinds of other bugs and I'd probably be freezing cold at times and blazing hot at others.............................I don't know why anyone has taken measures to keep that from being.
My main issue is supposedly pride, and I keep hearing "You need to humble yourself" and I don't get that concept. "Humble yourself" How does that work? Is that like "give birth to yourself"? Or is that like "Pour water on yourself?" Humility is not a thing that I insist on taking into the rooms I go in. It's not attached to my clothing or taped to some part of my body. It's a state of being that somehow has become a part of me and I don't know what to do to work against it other than smack my hand every time I have a hankering for dignity. "I'm hungry. I'll eat" "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU DESERVE TO EAT? YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE NOT DEAD!!!" Ok, so I go to my room and pray. No eating. It doesn't make any sense.
The only scrap of comfort is the fact that I'm a freakin' nutbar and the people telling me I'm not saved don't even think psychosis is a real thing and they have no interest in the study of human behavior (psychology), even though I can see why they have disdain for psychology as a field, since, like Earth science, the top minds of the fields have devised accompanying world views that contradicts what The Bible says. Psychologists have taken their findings and instead of sticking with those, they've come up with all kinds of theories/philosophies about the root of what mankind is etc.... Just like Earth scientists who've made up an entire narrative about the Earth's history based on evidence that is purely circumstantial, no less than the evidence that backs up The Bible's account of how the world began. Of course, the Torah was not written based on evidence. But there is evidence to back up the first parts of Genesis. The only (potential) downside to relying on that evidence is the sad fact that every religion that isn't based on The Bible would end up being subject to scorn and ridicule. And I'm certain there would be people who were raised Buddhist and Hindu and Wiccan etc., that would insist their religion is not inferior just like flat earthers insist they have enough evidence to back up their thinking.
I know it's ultimately up to God and I don't know if He wants me saved or not. I'm sure He'll use me for His purposes. He'll use anybody, regardless of how they fit in His kingdom. The bottom line is master bate ing is a death sentence and I can't seem to stay away from that for any length of time. Between that and my pride, I have to wonder if these sentiments that Christian singers lavish upon God are really accurate, "There's nothing that our God can't do" "Nothing is too hard for you Lord" Maybe nothing IS too hard for God. Maybe He just doesn't care because I don't care. The Bible does depict God as being a re-active God. Those that love Him, He calls according to His purpose. Those who seek Him, and turn from their sins, He forgives and heals. No restoration is depicted in The Bible that isn't dependent on decisive action from the restored. I am anything but decisive and I don't think Im passionate about anything, really. There's things that have stirred up passion in me. There's movies and songs I've seen&heard that really put a whollop in my feels and there's days like yesterday, where the weather is almost profound in its beauty. I take pleasure on those things and I long for those moments where I'm blown away by something or other. That's about the extent of my passion.
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