I attended a seminar thing on May 1 at a church I've been regularly attending for about a month now. It was a very convincing and informative session about having zeal for the Lord God. I have been making more of an effort, but I still fall into the lull of not praying. I prayed kind of extensively 5/8 (I would just say "the day before yesterday" except in 3/4 of the United States it's still Monday).
Anyway....as I was saying, I prayed more than usual then, but I still ran out of things to say to Him after a grand total of maybe half an hour of prayer (that's a generous estimate too...I'm not really convinced it was that much time, but it's possible). I then proceeded to read where I left off in His word, and then found myself kind of half following along. I sorta lost track of who is who and what is what. I'm on the sequel to the book of Kings. I'm under the impression I missed something. It keeps talking about King so and so of such and such land, and it keeps mentioning these nations that are not explained, as far as I am aware. I have the freedom to assume that they are neighboring nations, but somehow I got the impression that at least one of those nations are fragments of Israel. The nation of Israel was split into two nations as was explained in my small group's study of THE STORY, but I don't know if there was any further division of the land or if I read something that I forgot I'd read or if my eyes were looking at a critical verse or series of versus while my mind was wandering in whichever direction(s)...Anyway; I found myself rather lost in the midst of God's word on...I guess it was Sunday. And now I should be in bed, I'm sleepy as all get out even though I really don't want to be (!)...and I didn't read a lick of God's word and I prayed very little if at all today...I don't specifically remember praying, although I think I may have thanked Him for a few things. And Saturday went by in a rather similar fashion -- just wasted...I was rather exctatic about a nice fantasy I had about going to see GHOSTBUSTERS on opening day and then walking into Target as if I was 5 years old again and seeing all the GB toys gracing the shelves with their twinkling presence. And then of course topping it off Chick-Fill-A. Me and my mom were going to go to Chick-fill-A today in fact, but we had some trouble finding it. So we went to an Italian dine-in restaurant instead and spent almost all my money and some of my Mom's (it was my idea mainly, so I shouldn't have even asked her to pay for any of it, but I did...drats! The day after mother's day too!)
I've been eating homemade pumpkin bread that my mom made over the last few days. It's loaded with fiber as it's made with whole grain flour (1 cup of it per loaf), and so I've had a more healthy amount of BM than I had been, but I the downside to that is I really need to take a shower...if I weren't sleepy as heck, I would still be trying to think my way out of it since I just don't like the ordeal of taking my clothes off, getting in the shower, and then getting dried off etc and then getting dressed. The whole process takes like half an hour and it seems bigger to me than it apparently does to most people...like a giant leap forward for myself and a step back for man kind...ugh...
Ok...
g'night
You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
the winds of Esau
I've been listeing to WAKE UP THE WONDER by Elevation Worship and saw something about it being inspired by "the story of Jacob", which I *think* I read, but I had no idea what about Jacob's story is so unique. It struck me as odd that he won a wrestling match with God...my guess is God let him win...aaaanyway
It seems based on some online searching and a bit of correspondence with an administrator for a site I found titled foundationsforfreedom.net that Jacob's Life Story is something to remember as it is referenced more so in the later parts of the Old Testament than it seems to be at the moment reading Kings 1 after Samuel 1 and Samuel 2
I was steered toward this Bible passage:
"I have loved you,” says the Lord. But you say, “How have you loved us?” “Is not Esau cJacob’s brother?” declares the Lord. “Yet I have loved Jacob 3 but Esau I have hated. I have laid waste his hill country and left his heritage to jackals of the desert.”
and I remembered something my old Pastor Jeremy Clayton from a Church of God in Cape Girardeau, MO said: "God doesn't hate".
This website here seems to make a wild stretch to support that claim: http://www.gotquestions.org/Jacob-Esau-love-hate.html, but it's possible the writer of that website was assuming a reader would know a key thing or two that I did not.
Anyway...
When reading that portion of Genesis, I always felt more sympathy for Esau than Jacob. Obviously, I struggle with feelings of vengeance. I don't think I pray enough for God to feel moved to do anything about that. I rarely pray. I feel so empty inside most of the time, it just feeds on itself. My habits are an empty hearted beast, yet I am drawn to them. I turn on the computer and then I watch the sands in the hourglass changeover.
What really struck me was this verse: "See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son." Actually, I was directed to a piece of that verse which I looked up because I didn't feel like quoting a quote of half a sentence...but now that I've read the whole sentence, there's two things that are striking about it, but I'll get the less obvious one out of the way...
(clears throat): When I was reading about the bad blood between Jacob and Esau, I kinda skimmed over the part where he made what I would call a dumb decision. I understand being wise with one's money and all that, but I guess thinking about it, I've become blind to my own poverty. I think of money and I think of food shelter and clothing. Beyond that, it's a retirement account and a bunch of cool stuff that I can't afford unless I find them from a thrift store. My clothing mostly comes literally from various thrift stores. Books and DVDs, music CDs, etc etc....I rarely pay full retail price for them. When I do, it's after I've spent hours deciding weather or not I should. I finally bought THROUGH ART WE ARE ALL EQUALS by Johnny Craig's band Slaves. That CD came out in 2014. Not only did it take me 1.5 years to buy it, but when I did buy it, I used a credit card. I do plan on paying off that particular purchase in May, since my sister told me to promise not to buy anything at Overstock using credit again. I have wasted what seems to me like a large sum of money on garbage. And it is a large sum of money. It's also a large sum of time it's taken to waste that money. I've spent more time not having any money than the time it's taken to accumulate that mass of wasteful spending history.
It's easier in a lot of cases to write off something I can't afford as meaningless and hope I can somehow afford it later without instantaneously depleting my bank account balance. I still pine for it, but it's with a mix of confusion and disgust. On one hand, I see imperfections on the item that make me wish something like it but better existed, and then I'm confused because I don't remember why I was drawn to the item to begin with, so I just walk away with this sick feeling like my energy supply has been drained and for nothing. And that's just for a few "big" things that I think of as being "definitive" or should be definitive. I've been considering life after electricity when SSI runs out and I can't be using the computer all the time. So GHOSTBUSTERS: ULTIMATE VISUAL HISTORY, which I would expect to have nice color photos of THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS toys by Kenner seems like a good substitute for the movie. But I don't know because I haven't seen the book up close. And it costs $35+/- And then I think about it and how it would actually benefit me and I can't really figure out how it would be worth it. I mean, really...when I do watch GHOSTBUSTERS, it's usually less than 20 minutes at a time, and that's not 20 minutes multiple times a day or even multiple times a week...so what's the point?
I do need to give more serious response to the reality that God is in control and that my life is not going to get better by enhancing my utility belt.
I sometimes wonder what a guy who gives God 10% of his income and gains wealth because of it really gains. Obviously, he gains an ability to give God more money, but what does the rest of it mean? Jesus himself warned of doom to those who are well fed. I'm guessing that's an abridged version of the words that came out of Jesus' mouth, which are lost in the wind like everything else spoken before the dawn of recording devices, but unless that is to be taken at face value, I can't help but think of how God reacted when the Israelites insisted upon having a human as their king instead of God as king. God wasn't happy about it, but He found peace with their wishes and did what He could to make the best of it, even though they didn't hold up with their end of the bargain.
It seems based on some online searching and a bit of correspondence with an administrator for a site I found titled foundationsforfreedom.net that Jacob's Life Story is something to remember as it is referenced more so in the later parts of the Old Testament than it seems to be at the moment reading Kings 1 after Samuel 1 and Samuel 2
I was steered toward this Bible passage:
"I have loved you,” says the Lord. But you say, “How have you loved us?” “Is not Esau cJacob’s brother?” declares the Lord. “Yet I have loved Jacob 3 but Esau I have hated. I have laid waste his hill country and left his heritage to jackals of the desert.”
and I remembered something my old Pastor Jeremy Clayton from a Church of God in Cape Girardeau, MO said: "God doesn't hate".
This website here seems to make a wild stretch to support that claim: http://www.gotquestions.org/Jacob-Esau-love-hate.html, but it's possible the writer of that website was assuming a reader would know a key thing or two that I did not.
Anyway...
When reading that portion of Genesis, I always felt more sympathy for Esau than Jacob. Obviously, I struggle with feelings of vengeance. I don't think I pray enough for God to feel moved to do anything about that. I rarely pray. I feel so empty inside most of the time, it just feeds on itself. My habits are an empty hearted beast, yet I am drawn to them. I turn on the computer and then I watch the sands in the hourglass changeover.
What really struck me was this verse: "See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son." Actually, I was directed to a piece of that verse which I looked up because I didn't feel like quoting a quote of half a sentence...but now that I've read the whole sentence, there's two things that are striking about it, but I'll get the less obvious one out of the way...
(clears throat): When I was reading about the bad blood between Jacob and Esau, I kinda skimmed over the part where he made what I would call a dumb decision. I understand being wise with one's money and all that, but I guess thinking about it, I've become blind to my own poverty. I think of money and I think of food shelter and clothing. Beyond that, it's a retirement account and a bunch of cool stuff that I can't afford unless I find them from a thrift store. My clothing mostly comes literally from various thrift stores. Books and DVDs, music CDs, etc etc....I rarely pay full retail price for them. When I do, it's after I've spent hours deciding weather or not I should. I finally bought THROUGH ART WE ARE ALL EQUALS by Johnny Craig's band Slaves. That CD came out in 2014. Not only did it take me 1.5 years to buy it, but when I did buy it, I used a credit card. I do plan on paying off that particular purchase in May, since my sister told me to promise not to buy anything at Overstock using credit again. I have wasted what seems to me like a large sum of money on garbage. And it is a large sum of money. It's also a large sum of time it's taken to waste that money. I've spent more time not having any money than the time it's taken to accumulate that mass of wasteful spending history.
It's easier in a lot of cases to write off something I can't afford as meaningless and hope I can somehow afford it later without instantaneously depleting my bank account balance. I still pine for it, but it's with a mix of confusion and disgust. On one hand, I see imperfections on the item that make me wish something like it but better existed, and then I'm confused because I don't remember why I was drawn to the item to begin with, so I just walk away with this sick feeling like my energy supply has been drained and for nothing. And that's just for a few "big" things that I think of as being "definitive" or should be definitive. I've been considering life after electricity when SSI runs out and I can't be using the computer all the time. So GHOSTBUSTERS: ULTIMATE VISUAL HISTORY, which I would expect to have nice color photos of THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS toys by Kenner seems like a good substitute for the movie. But I don't know because I haven't seen the book up close. And it costs $35+/- And then I think about it and how it would actually benefit me and I can't really figure out how it would be worth it. I mean, really...when I do watch GHOSTBUSTERS, it's usually less than 20 minutes at a time, and that's not 20 minutes multiple times a day or even multiple times a week...so what's the point?
I do need to give more serious response to the reality that God is in control and that my life is not going to get better by enhancing my utility belt.
I sometimes wonder what a guy who gives God 10% of his income and gains wealth because of it really gains. Obviously, he gains an ability to give God more money, but what does the rest of it mean? Jesus himself warned of doom to those who are well fed. I'm guessing that's an abridged version of the words that came out of Jesus' mouth, which are lost in the wind like everything else spoken before the dawn of recording devices, but unless that is to be taken at face value, I can't help but think of how God reacted when the Israelites insisted upon having a human as their king instead of God as king. God wasn't happy about it, but He found peace with their wishes and did what He could to make the best of it, even though they didn't hold up with their end of the bargain.
Monday, April 25, 2016
It's called fiction, Sir Palahniuk
Was looking at the summary of this book by Stewart O' Nan titled A PRAYER FOR THE DYING. In the marketing, FIGHT CLUB author Chuck Palahniuk is quoted as saying the book is proof that God is unfair. I'd sure like to know how a fiction book proves anything. Stewart O' Nan may have been writing about someone he knew, but that's the problem with second hand information. People hear little snippets of The Bible and get these ideas that aren't even Biblical.
If you don't believe The Bible was written by an existing presence, then you have no reason to question it. I tried telling a friend on Facebook this and he defended his stance by talking about how Christianity and its offshoot religions are the main reason for large amounts of violence in the world. One could say that, but what about the people who go speeding down the freeway and end up running into another car and kill at least one person? Where does religion play into that? Jealous husbands and wives murdering their spouse? That's the least of all violence by the way. Death is not the end. The horror of this planet is seldom seen outside of shows like CRIMINAL MINDS. A person who is not only murdered, but severely tortured with the threat of death to top if off is a much bigger victim than someone who is beheaded or gunned to death.
Jesus gave a perfect recipe for peace on Earth. If people would follow it, we'd have Heaven already. We should all be glad that we all have the option of choosing Heaven instead of questioning the reality of the supernatural and weather or not God is just in his decisions and all these tiny distractions that lead nowhere.
If you don't believe The Bible was written by an existing presence, then you have no reason to question it. I tried telling a friend on Facebook this and he defended his stance by talking about how Christianity and its offshoot religions are the main reason for large amounts of violence in the world. One could say that, but what about the people who go speeding down the freeway and end up running into another car and kill at least one person? Where does religion play into that? Jealous husbands and wives murdering their spouse? That's the least of all violence by the way. Death is not the end. The horror of this planet is seldom seen outside of shows like CRIMINAL MINDS. A person who is not only murdered, but severely tortured with the threat of death to top if off is a much bigger victim than someone who is beheaded or gunned to death.
Jesus gave a perfect recipe for peace on Earth. If people would follow it, we'd have Heaven already. We should all be glad that we all have the option of choosing Heaven instead of questioning the reality of the supernatural and weather or not God is just in his decisions and all these tiny distractions that lead nowhere.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
MA MAN, YO, ARMIDILLO NEWTON....
Spent 6pm-12am NOT feeding my cat, and scrambling to get this that and a handful of piddly other things done; switching between tabs in a race against time that can not be won...
Finally fed her. She probably feels like I do, like someone kicked her in the stomach. Man is not meant to be awake 8+ hours after dinner. You ever get fixated on a goal and find the stress of that fixation makes reaching or finding that goal has made you too sick to enjoy it?
I've been awake since 3:30 A.M. I finally took Thursday's Abilify and Cymbalta, apprx half an hour ago. It was past the deadline just barely. I'll have to remember to take my pills at around 4pm or so. It's not good to take two days' worth of medicine doses back to back. 14-32 hours is an okay interval. It's an accomplishment of sorts for me to take my pills 3 days in a row. It would be a case of possession for me to take my pills 3 days in a row at the same time each of those 3 days.
I'm back on the computer. Was certain there was some group of songs I wanted to listen to. Cannot for the life of me remember what it was I wanted to do so badly.
Finally fed her. She probably feels like I do, like someone kicked her in the stomach. Man is not meant to be awake 8+ hours after dinner. You ever get fixated on a goal and find the stress of that fixation makes reaching or finding that goal has made you too sick to enjoy it?
I've been awake since 3:30 A.M. I finally took Thursday's Abilify and Cymbalta, apprx half an hour ago. It was past the deadline just barely. I'll have to remember to take my pills at around 4pm or so. It's not good to take two days' worth of medicine doses back to back. 14-32 hours is an okay interval. It's an accomplishment of sorts for me to take my pills 3 days in a row. It would be a case of possession for me to take my pills 3 days in a row at the same time each of those 3 days.
I'm back on the computer. Was certain there was some group of songs I wanted to listen to. Cannot for the life of me remember what it was I wanted to do so badly.
Semantic decibel worship
Just sent my sis a typo
I will my reg $ to pay 1/2 of the lwnmwr. Hopefully Mom can cover at least half of that and my savings will cover "the rest" (whatever that ends up being)"
Did I really just say that?
I WILL MY REG. $ TO PAY HALF OF THE LAWNMOWER
(sprinkle Holy water)
I WILL MY REG $ TO PAY HALF OF THE LAWNMOWER
MY WILL COMPELS IT
MY WILL COMPELS IT
Thanks to spellchecking software, I now know "compel" is not spelled with two Ls. I'm pretty sure since the "L" is not "possessed", I can rest in peace regarding my lack of an apostrophe....
See you on the other side.
I will my reg $ to pay 1/2 of the lwnmwr. Hopefully Mom can cover at least half of that and my savings will cover "the rest" (whatever that ends up being)"
Did I really just say that?
I WILL MY REG. $ TO PAY HALF OF THE LAWNMOWER
(sprinkle Holy water)
I WILL MY REG $ TO PAY HALF OF THE LAWNMOWER
MY WILL COMPELS IT
MY WILL COMPELS IT
Thanks to spellchecking software, I now know "compel" is not spelled with two Ls. I'm pretty sure since the "L" is not "possessed", I can rest in peace regarding my lack of an apostrophe....
See you on the other side.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
The value of liquiation
Was reading about the Koch brothers and their supposed plans to let the poor people get sick and die off so they can enjoy their tea parties and golf tournaments w/o distraction.
That may very well be what the Koch brothers want. I cannot say what they want any more so than they can say what I want. If everybody cared about each other and put love and compassion for their fellow man before blind ambition, i.e.: money and/or power, then minimum wage being abolished would of no negative consequence. If The Devil walked up to you, would you smile politely and let it shake your hand? Likewise, people who rejoice in evil should not be elected into office, regardless of their political affiliation. The fact of the matter is both Bernie Sanders and the Koch brothers-funded Republicans are both more concerned with money and power less with the real problems that face the USA.
The perceived problem with having the Koch brothers funding congress is not something anybody is immune to. The vast majority of USA citizens would not wage war on the poor. But that is only because if they spent every waking minute from birth to death squeezing as many dollars as they can from their employer, their work would still not be finished. Their bones would be buried and hunger will continue to haunt them. The Koch brothers have more money than they can count. They have the freedom to say "Ok, What now?" They have what every human on the face of the earth wants, they have shiny pretty things and the guarantee that the most comfortable bed money can buy will not be repossessed. Now what? What does one do when their life's work is finished before they're halfway in the grave? Do they turn their back on their amazing house and bounty of pretty things so they can work in a soup kitchen or fly over ghettos with their private jet and assess which homes need food and how much food they need?
Very few people work 8+ hours a day for the purpose of anything other than acquiring an arsenal of stuff. The Koch Bros. have stuff. They have mental and physical health and they have all the stuff they can imagine wanting AND extra to give to their great grandchildren. They have moved on from the rat race and are now focused on something equally pointless and gigantic in scope: World Domination.
It's about power. All of it. The rat race, even the participants who eat from the backend of it, have one thing and one thing only in mind: Power. Call it a man-cave, call it freedom of choice, call it "my house my rules", it all amounts to the same thing: Conquering. It may not be conquering much, but it's still conquering.
I don't know nearly as much about the presidential front runners as I ought to, but I know the likelyhood that anyone running for the high offices is doing so primarily with intent to help other people, be it inside or outside of "America"(The United States Of).
That may very well be what the Koch brothers want. I cannot say what they want any more so than they can say what I want. If everybody cared about each other and put love and compassion for their fellow man before blind ambition, i.e.: money and/or power, then minimum wage being abolished would of no negative consequence. If The Devil walked up to you, would you smile politely and let it shake your hand? Likewise, people who rejoice in evil should not be elected into office, regardless of their political affiliation. The fact of the matter is both Bernie Sanders and the Koch brothers-funded Republicans are both more concerned with money and power less with the real problems that face the USA.
The perceived problem with having the Koch brothers funding congress is not something anybody is immune to. The vast majority of USA citizens would not wage war on the poor. But that is only because if they spent every waking minute from birth to death squeezing as many dollars as they can from their employer, their work would still not be finished. Their bones would be buried and hunger will continue to haunt them. The Koch brothers have more money than they can count. They have the freedom to say "Ok, What now?" They have what every human on the face of the earth wants, they have shiny pretty things and the guarantee that the most comfortable bed money can buy will not be repossessed. Now what? What does one do when their life's work is finished before they're halfway in the grave? Do they turn their back on their amazing house and bounty of pretty things so they can work in a soup kitchen or fly over ghettos with their private jet and assess which homes need food and how much food they need?
Very few people work 8+ hours a day for the purpose of anything other than acquiring an arsenal of stuff. The Koch Bros. have stuff. They have mental and physical health and they have all the stuff they can imagine wanting AND extra to give to their great grandchildren. They have moved on from the rat race and are now focused on something equally pointless and gigantic in scope: World Domination.
It's about power. All of it. The rat race, even the participants who eat from the backend of it, have one thing and one thing only in mind: Power. Call it a man-cave, call it freedom of choice, call it "my house my rules", it all amounts to the same thing: Conquering. It may not be conquering much, but it's still conquering.
I don't know nearly as much about the presidential front runners as I ought to, but I know the likelyhood that anyone running for the high offices is doing so primarily with intent to help other people, be it inside or outside of "America"(The United States Of).
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Beeee...
....gooooood
I missed my pills on Friday and Saturday. I was hoping to go out on Saturday morning, preferably early morning if one were to dream, but nobody wants to do anything before 9am, and 9am is stretching it. Not only did I not get to go anywhere, but my face felt like pea soup falling on the floor as my mom and sister, the holder of the car keys + driver's licenses, wasted themselves away watching HOUSE OF CARDS and NURSE JACKIE. Sometime in the midst of all that, my sister fell asleep, on the couch. I anxiously awaited her to wake up, did not make any effort to hide my anxiousness, and at the last minute was notified that I was going to have to get hiking or get hitchiking if i wanted to anywhere for the day. The pea soup went from falling off my face to eating my face like it had more acid than normal.
I sent my sister an email that was randomly worded, hinting at all the rage and disgust and anguish I was feeling in a very outward & irresponsible way. My anguish was not helped by her actions, but her actions were not related to how I feel or felt. I felt shamed into silence for half of Sunday even though I was cheerfully invited to church and had my breakfast paid for my sis, even though it was actually lunch for me b/c I'd eaten breakfast at 4am after waking up at 1am.
I was even feeling a little apprehensive on Monday. I started to fall down that rabbit hole again after my mom did or said something to piss me off, but I took my mental health medication and I was able to reason myself to walk more in a manner worthy of my calling after a little while and more or less enjoyed the evening/night.
Whew.
I hope there's room in Heaven for me w/o medication. If I can listen to the Holy Spirit w/o my medication after Medicaid funding goes kaput, that in itself will be a miracle. I haven't picked up The Bible in 7 days as of today. FFFRR! This week has spun itself so smoothly. Like a caramel candy making machine -- it's been stop/start yet steady nonetheless.
things are looking up. Been ok since half of Monday roughly and Tuesday on up.
WOW. HEADLINE NEWS. I got a GHOSTBUSTERS(tm) shirt from a seller on Amazon.com containing a note formed by my father via Amazon's "gift note" service An event 20 years in the making! It's half my fault by this point I don't communicate enough with him. I started talking with him a little bit somewhat recently via Facebook. Nothing serious or deep. Just exchanging opinions about popular political topics. No biggie to me. It's my sister who really had a tough time dealing with him not being around. I could have been an orphan and I might've turned out OK, provided I didn't end up in an orphanage where everyone's waiting for the right time to explain to me where I am and the awful truth of why....."BECAUSE NOBODY LOVES YOU!!!!" At least in my actual life, I do have one parent who has stuck it out and has made it more or less known that she is genuinely concerned for my well being.
In other news....ugh...can't think.....um...hot topics? What just popped in there? Uh...? My Brayn has gone bye-bye. And so it's Christmas... WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DO? TELL ME IT'S NOT WHAT THEY SAID, OH GOD, TELL YOU DIDN'T......
[DELETE]/[END]
I missed my pills on Friday and Saturday. I was hoping to go out on Saturday morning, preferably early morning if one were to dream, but nobody wants to do anything before 9am, and 9am is stretching it. Not only did I not get to go anywhere, but my face felt like pea soup falling on the floor as my mom and sister, the holder of the car keys + driver's licenses, wasted themselves away watching HOUSE OF CARDS and NURSE JACKIE. Sometime in the midst of all that, my sister fell asleep, on the couch. I anxiously awaited her to wake up, did not make any effort to hide my anxiousness, and at the last minute was notified that I was going to have to get hiking or get hitchiking if i wanted to anywhere for the day. The pea soup went from falling off my face to eating my face like it had more acid than normal.
I sent my sister an email that was randomly worded, hinting at all the rage and disgust and anguish I was feeling in a very outward & irresponsible way. My anguish was not helped by her actions, but her actions were not related to how I feel or felt. I felt shamed into silence for half of Sunday even though I was cheerfully invited to church and had my breakfast paid for my sis, even though it was actually lunch for me b/c I'd eaten breakfast at 4am after waking up at 1am.
I was even feeling a little apprehensive on Monday. I started to fall down that rabbit hole again after my mom did or said something to piss me off, but I took my mental health medication and I was able to reason myself to walk more in a manner worthy of my calling after a little while and more or less enjoyed the evening/night.
Whew.
I hope there's room in Heaven for me w/o medication. If I can listen to the Holy Spirit w/o my medication after Medicaid funding goes kaput, that in itself will be a miracle. I haven't picked up The Bible in 7 days as of today. FFFRR! This week has spun itself so smoothly. Like a caramel candy making machine -- it's been stop/start yet steady nonetheless.
things are looking up. Been ok since half of Monday roughly and Tuesday on up.
WOW. HEADLINE NEWS. I got a GHOSTBUSTERS(tm) shirt from a seller on Amazon.com containing a note formed by my father via Amazon's "gift note" service An event 20 years in the making! It's half my fault by this point I don't communicate enough with him. I started talking with him a little bit somewhat recently via Facebook. Nothing serious or deep. Just exchanging opinions about popular political topics. No biggie to me. It's my sister who really had a tough time dealing with him not being around. I could have been an orphan and I might've turned out OK, provided I didn't end up in an orphanage where everyone's waiting for the right time to explain to me where I am and the awful truth of why....."BECAUSE NOBODY LOVES YOU!!!!" At least in my actual life, I do have one parent who has stuck it out and has made it more or less known that she is genuinely concerned for my well being.
In other news....ugh...can't think.....um...hot topics? What just popped in there? Uh...? My Brayn has gone bye-bye. And so it's Christmas... WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DO? TELL ME IT'S NOT WHAT THEY SAID, OH GOD, TELL YOU DIDN'T......
[DELETE]/[END]
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Jealousy
When I started going to church over the last few years (few = 3), I was confused at this video segment showing a graffiti-style painter reciting The 10 Commandments, specifically the passage where it states that God is a jealous God. All this time later, I start thinking about the parallel of man's jealousy and God's jealousy. Jealousy can be inspired by a variety of things and it can be attached to other things as well. But jealousy at its root is essentially when a person wants love from someone and isn't getting enough or any from implied person. People have killed their lovers out of jealousy. It is an excruciating feeling. It's like suffocation with no assurance of a nearby end. Obviously, killing is not an answer. It makes one less person on your hit list, but the odds of having your expectations met by someone else that comes along are slim to none. This world would go from sometimes unbearably cruel to constant agonizing loneliness.
Jesus summed The 10 Commandments, Leviticus, and Deuteronomy into two laws:
Love God with all your heart and love your fellow man as yourself.
Those are two laws that God always honors. I think given the nature of jealousy and its place at the list of ten commandments, one can see both laws being carried out in one swoop in the sacrificing of Jesus The Christ of Nazareth, who is the human embodiment of God.
I was reading part of The Old Testament this afternoon, specifically Kings 1, and realized how jaded I am. Quotes from minor players in The Bible sounded aloud come across as snarky and bitter. It's not because of what is written, but because of how I've come to expect people to talk.
For instance (NIV) " "How many more years will I live, that I should go up to Jerusalem with the king?
am now eighty years old. Can I tell the difference between what is enjoyable and what is not? Can your servant taste what he eats and drinks? Can I still hear the voices of male and female singers? Why should your servant be an added burden to my lord the king?
Your servant will cross over the Jordan with the king for a short distance, but why should the king reward me in this way?
Let your servant return, that I may die in my own town near the tomb of my father and mother. But here is your servant Kimham. Let him cross over with my lord the king. Do for him whatever you wish."
To me, it sounded like the person quoted saying all of that was grumbling about his old age and rebuking the king for offering the reward given him. But that is most likely because of 1) the sadness that permeates my mind when I think of old age and 2) I often say or think "What the hell is wrong with you?!"
I think the teachings of Jesus if they were to be read in earnest would blow this world wide open. I sat in tears one Sunday as I found myself realizing the need to follow the pleas of my family members, who have been urging me to reduce my output of negative criticism.
I was invited to share in a Bible-study that my mom was doing with a disparate group of Christians and one of the questions pertained to John The Baptist and his reaction to Jesus requesting Baptism from John the Baptist.
(NIV)
Jesus summed The 10 Commandments, Leviticus, and Deuteronomy into two laws:
Love God with all your heart and love your fellow man as yourself.
Those are two laws that God always honors. I think given the nature of jealousy and its place at the list of ten commandments, one can see both laws being carried out in one swoop in the sacrificing of Jesus The Christ of Nazareth, who is the human embodiment of God.
I was reading part of The Old Testament this afternoon, specifically Kings 1, and realized how jaded I am. Quotes from minor players in The Bible sounded aloud come across as snarky and bitter. It's not because of what is written, but because of how I've come to expect people to talk.
For instance (NIV) " "How many more years will I live, that I should go up to Jerusalem with the king?
am now eighty years old. Can I tell the difference between what is enjoyable and what is not? Can your servant taste what he eats and drinks? Can I still hear the voices of male and female singers? Why should your servant be an added burden to my lord the king?
Your servant will cross over the Jordan with the king for a short distance, but why should the king reward me in this way?
Let your servant return, that I may die in my own town near the tomb of my father and mother. But here is your servant Kimham. Let him cross over with my lord the king. Do for him whatever you wish."
To me, it sounded like the person quoted saying all of that was grumbling about his old age and rebuking the king for offering the reward given him. But that is most likely because of 1) the sadness that permeates my mind when I think of old age and 2) I often say or think "What the hell is wrong with you?!"
I think the teachings of Jesus if they were to be read in earnest would blow this world wide open. I sat in tears one Sunday as I found myself realizing the need to follow the pleas of my family members, who have been urging me to reduce my output of negative criticism.
I was invited to share in a Bible-study that my mom was doing with a disparate group of Christians and one of the questions pertained to John The Baptist and his reaction to Jesus requesting Baptism from John the Baptist.
(NIV)
"
13Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John.
14But John tried to deter him, saying, “I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?”
15Jesus replied, “Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness.” Then John consented.
16As
soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment
heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove
and alighting on him.
17And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”
"
One might look at this and think of it as Jesus dotting his I's and crossing his T's, like a contractual obligation based on a technicality. I now think of this as a footnote of God's willingness to lead His people by example. I might think more of it if I ever learn to understand and appreciate Baptism. That's for another blog post.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
moving out
Damn. I have been WAAAAY too lazy w/ me bloggin
OK. Me and my mom found a place outside of my sister&her-husband's 2 bedroom apartment to live, at least until our SSI (Supplemental Security Income aka welfare) runs dry due to whatever is causing the dissolving of the trustfund that the gov't set up many years ago.
It's a 45 minutes to an hour drive from the residence of my sister & my nephew. And another 45/60 minutes back. I like the feel of the place. It's very rugged and outdoorsy. The place was a pigsty when we looked at it, but the trailer park manager assured my mother that they would be cleaning it before we move in. They don't know how long it'll take, but we're planning on moving in no later than the 8th of March. My sister & her husband bought my mother a recliner from LA-Z-BOY. It is scheduled for delivery on March 8th. So if we're not moved in by then...maybe they'll reschedule, provided someone remembers to call them and ask...*maybe*....
Not much has gone on with me otherwise. Me mum & I finished applying for food stamps and Medicaid over two weeks ago. Now we're waiting to see if we're approved. My mom has ran out of at least 3 medications totaling over $100. And that's just for 3. She takes almost a dozen total. My sister's not bad off, but she's not well off enough to pay for my mother's medical bills.
My sister's been generously supplying grocery items. We eat some kind of meat dish almost every dinner. Not to mention the sandwich meat, which I myself don't normally buy. The price of groceries is about the same in this part of the U.S. as it was in southeast Missouri. The price of gas is not an exercise in redundancy like it was in SEMO. In Cape Girardeau, gas prices were pretty much one flat rate. Here, they've been varying between $1.44 and $1.65 depending on who you shop with and where you shop with them. The Shell stations, for instance, don't all have the same prices -- nor are they all on the higher end of the spectrum. The QT and RaceTrac locations do generally stick to the same range, differing by one or two cents. The electric company is one and only one, just as it was where we had lived before. Not sure if that's the case nationwide or not.
OK. Me and my mom found a place outside of my sister&her-husband's 2 bedroom apartment to live, at least until our SSI (Supplemental Security Income aka welfare) runs dry due to whatever is causing the dissolving of the trustfund that the gov't set up many years ago.
It's a 45 minutes to an hour drive from the residence of my sister & my nephew. And another 45/60 minutes back. I like the feel of the place. It's very rugged and outdoorsy. The place was a pigsty when we looked at it, but the trailer park manager assured my mother that they would be cleaning it before we move in. They don't know how long it'll take, but we're planning on moving in no later than the 8th of March. My sister & her husband bought my mother a recliner from LA-Z-BOY. It is scheduled for delivery on March 8th. So if we're not moved in by then...maybe they'll reschedule, provided someone remembers to call them and ask...*maybe*....
Not much has gone on with me otherwise. Me mum & I finished applying for food stamps and Medicaid over two weeks ago. Now we're waiting to see if we're approved. My mom has ran out of at least 3 medications totaling over $100. And that's just for 3. She takes almost a dozen total. My sister's not bad off, but she's not well off enough to pay for my mother's medical bills.
My sister's been generously supplying grocery items. We eat some kind of meat dish almost every dinner. Not to mention the sandwich meat, which I myself don't normally buy. The price of groceries is about the same in this part of the U.S. as it was in southeast Missouri. The price of gas is not an exercise in redundancy like it was in SEMO. In Cape Girardeau, gas prices were pretty much one flat rate. Here, they've been varying between $1.44 and $1.65 depending on who you shop with and where you shop with them. The Shell stations, for instance, don't all have the same prices -- nor are they all on the higher end of the spectrum. The QT and RaceTrac locations do generally stick to the same range, differing by one or two cents. The electric company is one and only one, just as it was where we had lived before. Not sure if that's the case nationwide or not.
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