Monday, August 19, 2013

demons...a lack of depth...

People can so easily slip into thinking "What's wrong with that?"
You can apply that question to every wrong thing a human being can do.  With God more prevelent in the world, it was more obvious what the answer was.  People didn't feel the need to ask.  People just knew.  I know that doing right feels good.  I can't explain to anyone why or how.  People know this sensation somewhere inside of them, like a woman who has a child and instinctively devotes her life to it, the instinct to feel glory upon the face of good is buried somewhere deep in mankind.

The more people rhetorically ask "What's wrong with that?", the more theft and murder will become commonplace.

We have a pretty bleak future ahead of us.  Social Security/welfare & Medicare/Medicaid is slated to be depleted by 2025, give or take a couple years, and Republicans are too spiteful of the poor and under-priveledged be trusted with making any changes to the programs, and Democrats are too self centered to risk losing an election by worrying the elderly and disabled with what might happen to them over any changes that might be made.
  Also, the federal deficit is way too freakin' high.  When it all crashes down, it'll be unlikely that public opinion would approve of a person such as myself living off of welfare, considering that I'm not bound to a wheelchair or blind or anything obvious like that.  And I am lazy, so in a court of law, it'd be hard to make the case that I need the tax payers to pay for me to live.
  Also, there's a disturbing trend in banking.  I was reading somewhere that hundres of thousands of people have been unable to open a new checking account because of occasional overdrafts and minor things like that.  The more burdend the gov't becomes with doing as little as possible with the least amount of money, the less oversight will be given to things like banks being "too" greedy.  So I'd be the perfect target for a burglar wanting to steal money from, since there's no encryption, no FDIC, no safeguards at all.  Anyone who can pick a lock can come inside, shoot me dead, and figure out where my money is, take it, and if somebody calls 911, the police will probably be unable to locate the thief, having had to deal with 3 other similar calls prior to stopping by my place.  And that's if the police even give a darn.  The gov't might beef up the police forces, or they might slim 'em down.

My sister is depressed as all get out and she refuses to do anything about it.  Pisses me off.  My uncle bought a Orchid and put it in front of his fan.  My mom told him he needs to move it if there's any chance of it surviving b/c drafts = dead orchids.  And then he just left it sitting there.  Granted, my uncle wasting money is nothing new, but my sister is practically bleeding and she knows there's solutions and she refuses.  I don't get it.  Perhaps she's against the entire medical profession?  She keeps referring to the word "pill" like it's some evil thing.  If she ever gets her foot sawed off while chopping vegitables or doing whatever around the house, and she can be convinced to have surgery to re-connect the foot... maybe she'll forgo anesthesia?
I tried talking to her about it and she just wrote it off as "preaching".  I told her I'm done trying to keep her from drowning in her own urine.  Hope she hasn't jumped off a bridge or some stupid thing.  She drifted away from her husband b/c her husband is an apathetic/self-centered POS and she feels guilty as all get out b/c she's doing what's best for her instead of keeping herself chained to him.  I guess she wouldn't 86 herself over something I said, since I'm not God.  There's no passage about medicine in The Bible, so she's not beating herself up over having excessively morose thoughts and feelings.  She uses plastic and poisons the air with her KIA Soul so she can have a comfy place to live and an assortment of food of her choosing, food and housing which was not entirely made by God, all of which she does without God's help, save for the nightly prayer maybe.  But PILLS, o no!  I guess she's afraid she'll fit in too well with me and Mom.  She and my mom both act like I'm some abomination of the species, trying very patiently to treat me with respect, which has become more like a habit, but sometimes still requires effort.  I'm constantly accused of asking too many questions and talking nonstop.  I suppose that's something I should work on.  I think my mom has pretty much outgrown her disdain of me, which is probably b/c I'm no longer a teenager or a hyper-active 5 year old, but she said one time she was proud that she medicated me in my younger years, which I don't quite get, since she did propose the idea that my lack of emotion is probably due to my many years of taking my medicine.  So I'm numb, but that's OK b/c I got through high school.  I'm not even sure the gov't would allow me to live on SSI if I weren't taking medication for my illness, so it works out, but I still think it's sort of a catch-22.  I spent much of my teen years with the feeling that my mom and my sister were orderlies at a mental institution ready to hire orderlies at a mental institution to take me in if I got out of step, which was sorta true; my sister always sided with her.  My sister says that's why my mom is angry with me all the time; b/c I don't agree with every little thing my mom says.  My sister was always either saying stuff that was outright stupid like she was competing for The Darwin Awards, or she would say something downright evil in response to something I said.  One time she told me "all you care about is yourself" - word for word quote from something my mom said more than a couple times - and I had no defense except to give her a list of my good deeds, which she would say proves her right anyway.  And since I was like 14 at the time, what was my list of good deeds?  I didn't spend 7 hours at school so I could come home and fill the ice trays, help mom put on her socks, and do random things like that.  I did what any teenager does - sit in my room and listen to music.  Another time my sister spewed off some long frustrated nonsense about how pairing 2 or 3 commonly accepted truths alongside some total b.s. should be enough to convince me that said total b.s. is True.  She said the fact that I wasn't convinced by that tactic was strong evidence of me being crazy or stupid or something absurd and insulting like that.  But if I had bashed her head in...well, that would be punishable by death, but a damhard suckerpunch would still have landed me in a mental institution for several years.  Never would my mom have conceded that the bitch had it coming.  And of course I still don't have eloquent speech prowess necessary to confront the whimsy of a snotnose brat like the one my sister used to be.  It's no wonder either.  The eloquent sound minds of this world wouldn't be caught dead around me and my fellow hillbillies.
I probably wasn't fair to my sister though.  She eventually did become an "actual" teenager, but she was only 12 when we were relieved of the living situation we were in back in California.  She wasn't a "real" teenager until 2.5 years later, and I guess I was ahead of myself even when I was 14.  I don't remember being 14 and being happily doped on stupid pills.  I remember I had an unrealistic view of sex.  I was under the impression I was capable and worthy of having an attractive girlfriend, primarily.  I was always thought the only thing standing in my way was the fact that I couldn't sneak out at night b/c my mom would hear me and send me away to a grouphome as a runaway.  I know now that for a crazy mumbling redneck like myself I am deceptively good looking, and that there's more to a strong relationship than how long a daydream about a particular girl lasts, a truth I spent most, if not all, of my teen years in absence of.
  idk.  I think my sister did smarten up quite a bit around the age of 15.  Of course, by then I was well into my teen years and wasn't considering how young either of us really were.  I still can't believe in 9th grade I parroted my mom on her statement regarding Bill Clinton's purged testimony; "He's a guy!  Guys lie about their sex lives!"  Maybe I was doped on stupid pills.  Nobody ever called me on it at the time...

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