"you ungrateful brat"

I feel the greatest obstacle in the road to Heaven is apathy.  I don't know what to do about it.  I hear about all Jesus did and he still does for a lot of people, and I feel a little awe, but that's where it ends.  I do not feel grateful.  I do not feel indebted.  I need to more wisely spend my time when the house is empty sans myself & felines and k9s, which is at least 1/3 of the week, usually...I keep piddling my minutes and hours away, before the whole day is wasted.  I feel like I"m hiding something and I don't know why, when I confess with my mouth, but my voice is barely audible...which makes me wonder if I really am repenting and if not, then how much longer will God put up with me.  Jesus stated that anyone who blasphemes The Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.  I don't know what kind of blasphemy he's talking about.  Blasphemy is defined, in part, as under-valuing.  I know I'm not "giving my all", (incorrect phrasing, since mankind doesn't do squat and God does everything...(sarcasm...)).  I'm not "letting" The Holy Spirit do its work by living life like this.  I'm holding on to a lot of habits and hobbies that I am not worthy of possessing, much less spending my entire days on.
I guess I can wipe the sweat off my forehead based on what people have stated; a reformed Baptist noted a difference between the Gospels and the various books written by the Apostle Paul, stating something to the effect that Jesus paid for our sins, but The Holy Spirit is here to free us of our sin.  I guess when people use the word "hope", they're not talking about Heaven, but the hope of freedom of the bondage of sin?  I've never heard of hope being something that is a given.  someone gives you a bowl of ice cream, and you don't say "I hope for ice cream"; you say THANKS for the ice cream...and then hope the experience is repeated.  Where in any literature or speech is a gift referred to as a hope?  I who believes that science does not have all the answers any more so than the writings of The Bible do hope for various people in my life to accept the gift of salvation, but that's like hoping the end of the world doesn't ever happen, that we just go on in this pit of existence forever and ever.  My hope for other people's salvation is like hoping I win the lottery.  Yeah, it's a nice thought, and I don't rule it out as a happening...but that's not my decision.  God is not required or desiring to force people to accept their salvation anymore so than I am able to make Jerry Bruckheimer read my 20 page screenplay and enjoy it enough to pay me $35,000 (or more...) for the rights to develop it a full length screenplay turned motion picture.
 At least that's my thinking.  Maybe the roots of the word "hope" have tangled themselves over the centuries.  idk.  I read like 4 or 5 chapters of Exodus detailing all these inanimate objects and how they should be cut and stitched etc.  To me it just read like Snoopy speak, in the same tone of voice 95% of the time.  There were a few verses that deviated from the monotonous tone of it, but they spoke nothing to me personally.  The only thing I understood was the pre-amble about the contributions given by the Israelite community for the work detailed in those chapters.  And the only reason I got anything out of that was because of a footnote added by Charles Stanley, the "general" editor, stating something of the effect that God desires willful giving.  And it's been raising questions in my friggin' head.  I felt it's time to update my blog.  I realize this is a pathetic entry, especially for those who have kept up with my blog for a long while, but this is all I got for now.  I might have some more to talk about, but nothing terribly noteworthy.  I had 3K calories today and that's been my average daily intake for the past week or more now.  I need to exercise more.  And eat less...ugh...I disgust myself.