a mess

I'm writing a list of CDs.  I don't need CDs.  A couple CD-Rs, maybe...idk...my CD collection is basically just for show.  The real enjoyment of music occurs when I go online to Rdio and, usually after several failed attempts, find something to zoom in on.
  It's going to be hard not having professionally produced music.  Most of what I listen to is electro-something or other.  I'm listening to SHRINES by Purity Ring for the 3rd time, and I'm still digging it.  I first heard it yesterday or the day before (not sure which).  My lifelong musical companion is INVISIBLE TOUCH by Genesis, which is total electro-pop/rock.
  The only entertainment I'll have is books.  I don't know if I'll be able to sit down and concentrate on a book if(/when?) I lose my gov't assistance, which includes my anti-psychotics.  I have a hard enough time sitting down long enough to finish GHOSTBUSTERS.  I started Elliot Perlman's SEVEN TYPES OF AMBIGUITY like 2 or so years ago, and I'm not even halfway through it.  I did manage to finish 37 pages of A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY by Laura Grodstein in two sittings over the course of a week.  I swear, I've started 4 or 5 books since it became clear I might actually finish SEVEN TYPES OF AMBIGUITY.  I haven't finished a single one.  I think I got like 200 pages through LET ME IN aka LET THE RIGHT ONE IN by John Ajvide-Lindquist(sp?) over a year ago, and never have gotten around to pick it up again to resume it.
  These are temporary concerns based on predictions made by people who have a history of knowing what they're talking about.  Long term, there's the possibility that I'll be under 50y.o. when the Antichrist steps up to solve these economic woes and kills those who do not accept his mark.  If I die, so what?  There are two more serious concerns I have.  1) the Antichrist may not be satisfied in simply killing me; he may want to torture me first.  2) without my medication there to ground me, I may be more susceptible to the tricks Satan and his demons use to try and get Christians off their path of righteousness.  I spent several years fighting w/ all my might to resist the reality & benevolence of God.  I still don't see why Hell and Satan need exist, but the fact is it's not up to me and never will be.  And, with any luck, I'll get answers when I'm free of the schit I carry in my head...
  So yeah.  I'm wasting my time writing any kind of CD list.  Starting March, I'll be paying $50/mo xtra toward the mortgage that my sister is obligated to pay and that me and my mother are paying b/c my sister is living in Georgia and cannot afford to pay rent/mortgage for her current living space atop the cost of the house she bought while she was living in Missouri (me and my mom are living here, not like we're millionaires who are just helping her out b/c she's family...).  I don't know if $50/mo extra will be enough to get the mortgage paid off before the gov't gives up hope and cuts welfare from its budget.  I guess we'll see.  It's not like I'll be living here peacefully until I die in my sleep at the ripe old age of 80+.  But until the Antichrist kidnaps me and puts me in a concentration camp for useless individuals or forces me to choose the mark or death, I would like a comfortable place to sleep.