This Bible study started off pretty good. It dealt with becoming "unshelled". I'm not unshelled yet. My sister once said "you're not selfish, you're shelfish". I don't know if any of that week that we were supposed to be studying has helped at all. It may have helped more if I had been more diligent in doing it. These last two weeks seem to be targeted more to people who are inclined to feel superior to others for whatever reason. The week before these, he had make a list of the three biggest problems in the world. People in the class had some of the dumbest things on the list. One guy put car robbery on the list. Really? That's the BIGGEST problem on the world? I wouldn't even put that on the top 10. Much less the top 3. The biggest problem I had with answering that 3 part question was there are so many problems that are equal to one another. There are so many SPECIFIC problems that are equal to one another. And the author reminds us that the cause to all of 3 of whatever I wrote down is SIN. Yeah...and I didn't know that already?
I don't normally interact with people for large chunks of time. AM I a bigot? Maybe. That depends on how you define bigot. One of the notes the author makes in the Bible Study workbook is that we observe things about people when we see them and make evaluations about them based on these observations. Yes, that is true, although I don't consider those evaluations as being rock solid.
There's been two or thee times I saw a couple dudes hanging about in the grocery store or wherever and I got the impression they were gay. I probably felt a little uneasy around them. No, I don't think I'm better than "them" (as if a homosexual can't be Christian...). Yes, I've probably committed even greater sins than homosexuality. The things I've said in this very blog I am ashamed of -- the many times I denied God, both internally and publicly are just something that will have to remain truth, even if people want to ignore them or be ignorant of them.
Maybe I feel weird around gay people because I myself am socially awkward and have thus been suspected of being gay pretty much from the time I was 6 or 7 years old on up. Until the age of 12 or so, I was not concerned with weather or not I was gay or straight. I didn't try to protect my heterosexuality like it was some treasure. Sure, I got offended when people would call me gay. But it wasn't the word "gay" that offended me. It was the contempt with which they said it. This one guy, a classmate I had when I was 7 or 8, asked me if I had HIV. Now I understand he was implying that I was likely gay. I didn't understand that at the time tho. I had no interest in society or politics. I still struggle to empathize with the concept of "social norms". Sports used to be a source of confusion to me. I now understand that it brings communities together. It gives neighbors something to bond over. I do have some qualms with football. The game is an inherently violent one, and it seems to me that it tends to inspire violence among the crowds more so than other sports, i.e.: baseball (or golf).
But anyway.
The fact that people have been so quick to peg me as gay makes it seem that perhaps a logical theory/conclusion is that the root of this uneasiness around suspected gay people is the fear that maybe being gay is not too far of a stretch from where I am now. I can't say, being single with no girl savvy and turning to porn way more than is easily forgivable, that I'm any better than a gay person. But I can say I don't need to add acts of homosexuality to my resume of wickedness. I don't think that train of thought is logical per se. It's not like I ever look at a man lustfully. But then again, I don't ever look at cigarettes lustfully either. It doesn't mean I need to put myself in a room full of smoke and become addicted to second hand nicotine and then move on up to smoking cigarettes. Yes, I know The Holy Spirit can overcome addictions and temptations. But you have to remember to ASK. If you love God, you'll obey his commands. We all sin. So how can any one say they love God? It's all about the degrees of love, I think. I don't consider myself a "mature Christian". I'm certainly not inclined to obedience. I spent pretty much my entire childhood dishonoring my mother. Not sure I dishnored my father, since he so greatly dishonored himself by stepping out of the picture, although perhaps the times I made vocal reference to that fact in passing could be considered dishonoring. In any case, I'm certainly not disciplined enough to ask God for help in every situation I might possibly and sometimes do encounter. The amount of homosexuality that occurs in prison I think loosely speaking also is another thing to consider. Is *anyone* really immune to "being" gay? If so, is there a bulletproof method of determining this immunity? If so, it *seems* like I'd score somewhere in the middle, maybe in the 65% range. I don't know. I used to think it was ludicrous to not know one's self inside & out. I think it's ludicrous that I used to think that.
That being said, if I were to speak with someone who is gay, I might be more careful/weary about broaching the subject of Jesus. I might ask if they go to church and invite them if they said no. But like I said, I don't interact with people often enough to have these opportunities. I don't feel it's appropriate to hold up the line at the store to ask the cashier about their faith and / or lack there of. Maybe that's wrong. I don't know. When I think about it at this moment, it does seem to be outright wrong. I still have some growing to do. So much more.
I saw this episode of LAW & ORDER several years ago about this custody case over this 9(?) year old girl who was, more or less, just a head and a torso. And she had some kind of nerve or skin disorder or something, something that was causing her movement to be even more hindered than it would otherwise be & her speech was almost impossible to understand. I remember being chilled by that episode, but I don't know if that was because of the girl's appearance or the music they used in the show. Those LAW & ORDER episodes have some scary moments. Often times, I have no idea what's going on before I get freaked out by the music that's playing in that show & its' more successful spinoffs (CRIMINAL INTENT and SVU).
Anyway, I found myself making notes in my workbook and after 2 or 3 staggering questions that seemed to be trying to lead me into thinking I'm some kind of closet-KKK member, I decided to take a break and use some of that downtime to write this entry in my blog. Yeah, probably not the most useful way to spend my time. I could take a walk. I probably should do that for my own weight loss ambitions if nothing else. It is *possible* I could change someone's life with something I do or say, however small it may be. I do recall waving at someone driving into my sister's subdivision in her old house while I was visiting and taking a break from being in doors, and she kind of belatedly noticed and seemed to light up inside when she did.
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