I'm still settling into my New Life, rather uneasily. I'm glad to have embraced The Word rather than trying to defy it, but I sometimes wonder if I'm "Rooted in Good Soil"..."Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful." Hmm...that sounds like me! I've been attending Church of God's Cape Community Church (Bloomfield, Cape Girardeau, Missouri, USA) and the COG stance is that the only logical interpretation of Jesus' ultimate commandment of not "grieving the holy spirit" is that you have to listen when the Holy Spirit tells you of a sin that's in your life that you need to rid yourself of. If only I could tell when the Holy Spirit was communicating with me or when I'm simply recollecting something I've heard people say is sin or that I'd read is a sin...my pastor said Satan is the one that makes us feel guilty and that love is a much better deterrent from sin. I guess I spent too much time denouncing God to have enough love in me to understand love to the extent where God's love would move me to serve God? That sounds logical...truth hurts as the saying goes...I don't know if it's the "truth" that "hurts", just the fact that I need to spend all this ? time doing things I'm not at all inclined to do in order to have something so fundamental in nature is...I don't know...overwhelming? I don't know. I know the ideal is to acknowledge that God is in control and that all will be right if you do so, but...idk...I guess "will" is the tough one...It ISN'T right...It WILL be though...Frig, I'm impatient! And demanding, too...I don't know if "controlling" is the right word or not because there's nothing that I control per se...I operate a few household electronics objects, i.e.: my computer and blu ray player...I control (or do I?) what I do with them, i.e.: listen to music, watch movies, etc., although I don't control the exact time I begin listening to music or whatever...I do get furious when my electronics items aren't working like I would expect them to. It just seems counter productive and I know there's a solution, but I don't know what the solution is...within a few months of owning any given computer, I end up thinking "In year two, why not damn the torpedoes and just plank down $200 and get a Chromebook?", and the answer is simply I don't have $200. If I did, I might as well just pick up every CD in sight and check 'em out...$200 for a computer + $50+ monthly for internet.... that averages to apprx 7 brand spankin' new CDs a month...which still wouldn't be enough!! I mean, if I enjoyed them, yeah...most of what I listen to on sites like Rhapsody (Rdio, Spotify, etc.) do not stimulate me much if at all. I come across a CD that stimulates me, the stimulation dies and gives way to annoyance. I heard Hit The Lights' SUMMER BONES maybe 5 times before I became sick of it. I heard a little bit of KEEP YOU by Pianos Become The Teeth and the overall experience was monotonous, although "April" was worth repeating a few+ times, now I'm sick of that song too. I was blown away by Ryan Star's "Losing Your Memory" from 2006's SONGS FROM THE EYE OF AN ELEPHANT, but now I just wish for something equally amazing to come along...I tell Pandora Internet Radio to create a station based on that song and all I get is these songs by artists that fit in this weird sub-genre that I'm not sure how to describe...it's like "post 9/11 soft rock"? Fugg! I don't know...but it's like...The Fray, The Script, Matchbox 20, Daughtry, Train, Safetysuit, Nickelback...so on and so forth...First of all, The Fray's only good album was HOW TO SAVE A LIFE, and they are making a killing by catering to music fans who have no ability to discern between mediocre and good and great. Ditto for Matchbox 20. Train and The Script are not by any means my favorite band(s), but they do have some good songs. I was digging "Nothing" by The Script, and they have a handful of other songs that are not bad, but they're not all that great either, and the album version of "For The First Time" is not only worn out on me by now, but makes no sense..."We're gonna drink cheap bottles of wine ,schit talking up all night..."what? The radio edit takes the "ch" out of "sit" and thus makes more sense. I don't mind "THE S WORD" in its existence, but the fact that it's put in a sentence where it makes little to no sense is annoying. I mean, I guess if you're the kind of person that often uses it as an exclamation (like "Schit, man I haven't seen you since forever, schit man! Aww....schit, look at you! Schit, man, how's life treatin' you? Aw, c'mere and gimme a hug! Schit, man, come inside, let's talk some schit") it makes a shred of sense, like he's exclaiming the importance of "talking up all night"...I mean, seriously, though...what is "Up"? Talking up? Or Up all night? There should be a comma there, shouldn't there? Instead it's sung as a phrase -- "talking up all night", as if The Script's singer is trying to be some kind of smooth rapper...um...anyway...
But yeah. ANYway...gosh, I got totally off the subject? YOU SEE WHAT LIFE HAS DONE TO ME!!!? AAG! I know music is nothing compared to the company of God. I know this intellectually. I don't know how the f*** to put it into practice. I think of praying, and I have no idea what to say except "forgive me for my sins, thank you for your son, and thank you for the many other blessings you've given me", but my day and life is so "blah", what am I going to do? Complain God's ear off? Everybody who audibly talks to me when I speak to them about such matters basically tells me "well, it's your own damn fault!" My only way of coping with this boring dull life is to squeeze as much juice as I can from it, how ever little that is. I.e: music, etc......
I'm not even sure what my point was to begin with...I just feel like if I start some kind of volunteer work, I might "burn out" as my pastor was talking about in relationship to people/instances he'd observed...and I don't know what else to do except start work and get paid for it...which I don't forsee any longterm benefit from...I don't think my brain is really in sync with the "you gotta plant before you eat" line of thinking...I mean, I understand it, but as for getting myself motivated, it seems like it'd make more sense to starve...I mean, I need to lose about 40 lbs, give or take 5 or 10, as it is...idk..."the big picture" as some call it just does not resonate with me until I SEE the big picture. And in most jobs, there's none to be seen if there is one. Fast food is a substitute service that people have grown accustomed to. It's a relief from the time consuming & additionally tiring necessity of cooking for folks who spend all day at work. But there's also people who stop in fast food joints just because the food tastes good or makes the people feel good. You can't see the relief of people who are paying ffjs to fix them food so they don't have to do it themselves...in fact, you can't see anybody. In the kitchen, which is the only place I'd be remotely qualified (if I don't burst into flames from all the hot water and general heat in the air [my sis worked at BK for a long while]), I'd be away from customers anyway, and if I could glance up and observe, I'd be distracting myself from my work and would do less a job and the customers would probably feel self conscious. I'd have to make up this inner world myth about how my job is making the world a better place than it otherwise would be whilst all the data points to the opposite fact...--since the introduction of the "modern world", how much misery has crept into this nation and at what points in this progression of the modernizing of the world have they spiked? People were much better off breaking their backs for their pay than they are now where sloth is being paid for in much more subtler but nonetheless painful ways. And if that is true (I really have no way to say for certain, since I was born in 1983, right when cable TV was ascending into dominance), I should indeed sell my possessions and head for the apple orchard so as to start work on getting healthy food to the masses. Yeah, except nobody wants healthy food. Satan's deceptions will win over the hearts of many and he will soon be King of Earth, shortly after which Jesus will put an end to it all. I hope the new body Jesus gives me (again, assuming I'm not "grieving the Holy Spirit") is free from all the tardive dyskinesia and nervous ticks...my Mom says none of Jesus' army will die in the Final Battle between Good and Evil...don't know if Revelation actually says that as I have not myself gotten nearly that far...I'm still early in the book of Numbers, which is the 4th book in the Holy Bible. I've read part of The Bible in excerpts via THE STORY. This week I believe we are going to be studying PAUL'S FINAL DAYS. I still need to read this past week's chapter. It's a really long one too. I was already a chapter behind and I read that early this morning (I woke up at 2:30 A.M.), so I need to get back to it soon (Real Soon!).
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