I feel better. Sunshine has maintained its presence. My mom and I had my Gramma's car to run around in. We got out around 7:30 and went to Starbucks and then Schnucks.
I guess I shouldn't say I "Realized" something as if I know more than I did, but it occurred to me that Israel's King David was far from perfect. He was not very Jesus like, because Jesus had not set his mission in motion. He was not Holy, but he did try, in his own way. I don't know why descendants of God-haters are punished. Especially those who barely know of their God-hating ancestors. But it's not for me to know, really, unless I'm just too thickheaded to figure it out...Also, God says to ask him for all kinds of things. I keep thinking "Isn't that kind of weird?" But the things people value in their life - independence, dignity, etc. - are often highly overrated. If you want independence, you're not going to find it. Even the man who owns his fiances and isn't employed by anybody and has no landlord still needs human companionship. Often a pet can substitute that, but it's still not the same. If everybody on the face of the Earth died, the last man on Earth would eventually find himself bored stupid, and that boredom would eventually eat his brain away to nothing. A person can read the books his forefathers wrote to get his brain cells moving, but how far can that really sustain a person? The fictional qualities of any given book are that much more fictitious when the characters all "coincidental"y resemble inanimate objects. Corpses. Electricity might still go on, if the last man standing knows how to operate, maybe even create, a generator. In that case, all the songs ever written would just be dead dreams. Songs of sadness w/o hope, songs of happy times never to return. And every movie with a happy ending would just be cause for disdain. The ones with a tragic ending would seem that much more tragic.
So, yes it is weird to ask God constantly as if you're a 5 year old running through a toy store draining Mom's bank account. It's only weird though because everybody's too busy looking out for themselves to rely on God.
I really don't think the realities at hand warrant me getting a job. The two options I have are to keep on SSI until it evaporates in late 2016, or risk being homeless. I don't think God approves of welfare. Does he consider me a thief for using it? Well, I suppose...I am a thief, technically. I take a piece of bread from a loaf that my Mom bought for herself, that constitutes theft. And I've done that several times. Usually when I ask for something, I don't get a concrete answer. Does that still constitute as theft? Maybe not intentionally, which is kinda the key matter; God doesn't mind if you accidentally sin, just so long as you acknowledge Him and the salvation he has granted. So it is disconcerting when I stop and think about it, the idea that my lifestyle is a result of systematic theft. But is it really theft? I mean, yes, it's not pure capitalism, but pure capitalism did nobody any favors until gov't regulations were put in place in the 1930s. I think it's considered theft more unjustly. The injustice is not the welfare system. The injustice is the American public letting politicians take away what's theirs. If your gov't is so wrong, action needs to be taken. The declaration of independence encourages its citizens to wage war with bad government. Where's the war? People would rather have convenience and comfort than a fair and just gov't. That fact can't be pinned on me and the thousands of welfare recipients out there. Since when do welfare recipients, or anyone else for that matter, who attempt social change by committing violence get anyone to join in? Seriously, if I threw a brick into the window of Cape City Hall, it would be considered "some crazy guy commits vandalism in southeast Missouri". It wouldn't do a damn bit of good on a local level, much less a federal one.
As for my withdrawn minimal company, I think this blog is pretty close to my best effort. I may not be reaching anybody. Maybe I am. It's not up to me to save people. It is up to me to declare the truth of Jesus Christ to the best of my ability.
So, really, the only things I need to work on are lust and anger/hate. I really don't express love often enough. I express a lot of other things, many negative, almost brutal, emotions. Some of that is how I feel, my lack of connection to other people, victimization, maybe, but I need to handle it better. Nobody's gonna make me feel better if I don't ask nicely. Even if I do ask nicely, I still might not get any comfort from anybody. But it's an absolute certainty if I keep venting at every little thing.
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