I skimmed through four chapters of 1 CHRONICLES Sunday morning from my DAILY LIFE PRINCIPLES One Year Bible annotated by Charles F. Stanley, catching up on 3 entries. I was relaying this to my mom and her response was basically that I'm not worth talking to if I don't care about God enough to carefully read every word written in The Bible. I don't know if I ever really "forgive" anybody. Is the U.S. government guilty of unforgiving-ness for locking murderers up in prison or insane asylums? Is it a bad thing to protect yourself from negative situations and/or people or take steps to remedy a situation so that it doesn't repeat itself? Every time I try to do any of that, I feel like I'm being accused of the one thing that Jesus said will barr me from forgiveness of my sins. My mom was telling me something along the lines of I'm crazy and instead f owning up to that I accuse other people of wrongs. I have no idea what the heck she's talking about. If I asked, she'd get overwhelmed and just quit talking. I asked her what I should do with my laundry that had been piling up in my room for at least a week, and she accused me of making a snide remark. She told me I should have offered my help with putting her laundry away (or something to that effect), and then went to her room and did it herself, closing the door behind her, and then threw the laundry basket out of her room, closing the door again. Then she spent half an hour singing hymns after she had successfully irked me to the end of earth. I got sick of it and confronted her about it. Then she said "I'm done". That seems to be her new catchphrase "I'm done". I guess she got that one from my sister while she was being stupid and I was trying to penetrate the stupid lobe of her brain and wasn't succeeding. She kept saying Crosby Stills & Nash is not country. Thus, "Teach Your Children" is not country, which is total bullshit. TYC is ONE SONG by CSN (feat. Y in this case). If TYC is not country, so be it. Saying CSN or CSNY is not country is a generality that does not have any weight when discussing a particular song BY that band. A guy I went to school with told me Michael Jackson did not sing that whatever-the-hell-gerne-Frank Sinatra-is song "Smile". I told him I own a CD by Michael Jackson that has that song on it. He said "Michael Jackson doesn't sing that kind of music". At least the guy I went to school with had somewhat of an excuse, being 1/3 mentally retarded or something. He was among my "learning disabled" classmates. When I look back and think about it, "learning disabled" is really just a mild version of "mentally retarded". Mental retardation is an actual diagnosis from what I understand. "Learning disabled" is a more broad term that can mean just about anything. In my case, it meant I was a recovering bohemian who didn't have enough built in respect for authority or for the weight of my own ignorance to make it worthwhile to rewind and start 1st grade over again.
Anyway.........there's all kinds of shit I think about and get pissed off at the thought of. Mom said she wanted to punch me in the face yesterday because she was talking to my nephew like he had any capacity to hear her when he clearly did not. She does shit like that. She's either a loudmouth trashead or she's a damn mouse of a person and gets pissed off at me for not being mousy with her. She either has something to say, in which she's loud and clear in her vocalizations, or she just talks through her ass in this whispy voice. It really ticks me off --- she says my name from like half a mile away and it sounds like a ghost is calling me. IF***** I were in the same room as her, whatever the hell word one could use to describe this kind of bullshit would be barely acceptable. But it isn't. You don't raise your voice to mouse level as opposed to a literal whisper when you want to get someone's attention. If she wants to get my attention, she has numerous ways of doing that if her voice is too tired to be of any use to her without pissing me off. It used to be my sister who had such a hard time comprehending the concept of speaking audibly. Now my mom has gotten worse than my sister ever was and now shee won't quit hogging every inch of hallspace when I say do or indicate anything. I'll be in the middle of a thought or making a decision before taking action and she'll burst in "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" That seems to be her second favorite thing to say. The first is a tie between GO AWAY / LEAVE ME ALONE / SHUT UP or some combination of those three.
How the heck does one forgive this? It's not something I can ignore. It happens all the damn time. It's not something I can do anything about. I don't have any fucking money. My sister just spent half a million dollars moving myself and her into this basement apartment thing. It's not something I can talk to my mom about. She doesn't have any solution except to cry and say she's sorry. And then on it repeats.
I don't know when I'll pick up my Bible again. I feel like a fraud at even the prospect of prayer. Of course God hears me. But does He care? I guess I can try and find out. Maybe I'm not as guilty as I make myself out to be. I spent all day inside my apartment yesterday. I should have taken my mom's dogs for a walk. I need exercise. Mom's babysitting was done for the day and she came downstairs and for reason(s) I don't really understand, I let loose and ate 10 servings of Kellogg's Crispix, effectively taking an 1800 calorie day and turning it into a 3K calorie day. FKKKKKKK
I don't know how anyone in this planet is supposed to "go and tell". Missionaries only operate if they have money to travel etc. I don't even have a damn job, much less one that can give me time off to be a missionary. My pastors talk about "in your community". What does that look like? I invite my neighbor to dinner and if he's not put off by the fact that I'm a freaking weirdo and my mom is also off her rocker, then what? Ask him if he goes to church? Chances are he's either going to say "Yes" or "No". If he says "yes"..then what? Lure my other neighbors into my house? I'm pretty sure word would get out. "That guy's on a mission to convert us into his religion!" I don't know. I guess that wouldn't be the end of anything. It might even be the beginning of something good for those that seek something more out of this life than a bunch of entertainment and extended rope that will inevitably run out. It might get people talking. On the other hand, it might get my sister kicked out of her house. NO SOLICITING ALLOWED. This is a "covenant community", whatever the heck that means.....
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